Signora Raina,

Sure, there was King Johnny Romano.  I went to high school with his great, great grandson, Vinnie Romano of the Joisey Romano's

Ciao,

Roberto

Dear Friends,

I'm glad that you all enjoyed Buzz's "bum voyage."

Raineypark,

I can't wait for upcoming the St. Gennaro festival.  Hopefully, it will come off this year with no problems.

Jennifer,

It's funny how someone's nightmare can be another person's joyous reverie.  I remember jumping for joy when one William Hayward Wilson (better known as "Mookie") slapped that ground ball through that extremely unlucky Red Sox player's legs. (Although, this baseball season is turning into a real nightmare for fans of the NY Metropolitans.) C'est la vie!

Blue Whale Barfly,

Anything for one of my most cherished customers!

RobinV,

I knew that when I wrote this particular dream scenario that I was bound to annoy the fans of Lawrence Welk, Wayne Newton, the Captain & Tennile and Uncle Sam(?).  However, I have to say that I was trying to express how the iconoclastic Buzz Hackett would react to these musical performers.  In fact, if you look up the word guttersnipe in the dictionary, I'm almost sure, that you would find a picture of the "Buzz-Man" next to the definition.  I am positive that Ol' Buzz is stictly into the musical likes of Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper and Judas Priest.  (Personally, I like Olivia Newton John, the
Starlight Vocal Band and, of course, The Cowsills!)

Mark,

I'm glad you got some laughs out of Buzz's nightmare.  Occasionally, I try to come up with some (hopefully) humorous Dark Shadows vignettes.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who can't wait for the return of the irrepressible one, Jeff Clark!

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I believe, all told, that there are eleven Dark Shadows characters who experience Angelique's Dream Curse.  I got to thinking about other DS characters I would have liked to have seen "struggle" through Angie's orchestrated nightmare.  I can almost see it now...


(Blue Whale Bar Fly, this one's for you.)


Buzz Hackett sits slumped over the bar in a seemngly empty Blue Whale tavern.  Three slow knocks are heard on the front door.  Buzz rises from his barstool and stumbles over to the door, opening it slowly.

To Buzz's surprise and delight, the coolly beautiful Portia Fitzsimmons stands seductively in the doorway.  (Portia Fitzsimmons, art dealer extraodinaire, the classy kind of woman, who, ordinarily wouldn't even give a creep like Buzz Hackett the time of day on Christmas morning.)

Portia geatures with her hand for Buzz to follow her.  "Okay, baby, are we going to a party?" Buzz eagerly inquires.  A silent Portia smiles slighty and starts to walk away.

The lights begin to shimmer in psychedelic patterns and soft, tinkling music begins to play.  "Hey, baby, this music sounds like 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.'  I feel like we're in 'Beatlemania'!"

Portia stops in front of a heavy, wooden door. She opens it and motions for Buzz to enter.  Buzz flashes Portia a lascivious smile.  "It's just about 'party time,' isn't it, darling?" Buzz asks as he hurriedly enters the room.

Portia slams the door shut behind Buzz.  "Hey, momma, what are you trying to pull on me?" Buzz demands.  He tries to open the door but to no avail.  Buzz turns to view a dimly lit room with fog on the floor and three doors on the other side of the room.

At that moment, Portia's silken voice reverberates throughout the room:

"Through sight and sound and faceless terror,
 Through endless corridors by trial and error,
 Ahead a blazing light does burn,
 And one door leads to the point of return."

"That's beautiful poetry, baby.  It sounds like something Jim Morrison wrote for the Doors," Buzz declares, now nervously eyeing his somewhat eerie surroundings.

And, speaking of doors, Buzz approaches the first door on the right and cautiously opens it.  Buzz peers into the room and is puzzled to see a large, misty area inside.  Midway in the room, a man stands with his back to Buzz.  The mist clears and Buzz now sees an orchestra in front of the man.

Turning to his right, the man slowly waves his arms, and in a strange, foreign-sounding accent, says, "And a-one and a-two..."  At that moment, accordionist Myron Floren and the rest of the boys in the Lawrence Welk band start to play a peppy rendition of Wayne Newton's classic hit "Danke Schoen."

"Ooh, that's spooky!" Buzz exclaims, quickly closing the door.

Intent on exiting this frightening scenario, Buzz rushes to the second door and opens it.  Suddenly, a horrible, four-legged animal appears in the doorway, baring its teeth at Buzz as it rears up on its hind quarters.  Buzz is about to run from the door when the horrible creature suddenly fades from view.

Buzz is now surprised to see a woman and a man, each seated in front of what looks like an expensive piano inside of the room.  They both begin to play a soft melody.  The woman, a cute blonde with a perky smile, gives Buzz a sly, come-hither stare and starts to sing:

"And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed,
Singin' and jinglin' the tango,
Floatin' like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love."

"The Captain & Tennile!" Buzz shrieks in horror, slamming the door shut.  "Oh, man, I must be having a bum voyage. I gotta get out of here!"

Against his better judgment, Buzz opens the third and final door.  Through the mist, Buzz hears the unmistakable sounds of drums beating and a band marching in military precision.

The mist clears, and Buzz sees a tall, gray-haired man (evidently the drum major) leading a band in Buzz's direction.  The man glares at Buzz as he approaches the now absolutely terrified hippie-motorcyclist.  Why, it's Uncle Sam, who stops, points his baton at Buzz, and says in a Darth Vaderlike voice, "Buzz Hackett, I want you!"  The band, as if on cue, breaks into a spirited rendition of "You're In The Army Now!"

"Aaahh!" Buzz screams as everything abruptly turns to black.

Epilogue: Buzz finds himself back in the Blue Whale being shaken by the tavern's irritated proprietor, Bob Rooney.  Buzz decides that it was just a simple nightmare; it's time that he went on a road trip to Mardi Gras in New Orleans just like Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider."  Maybe the "Buzz-Man" will bump into the foxy Portia Fitzsimmons in the French Quarter.

"Great, Maine's loss is Louisiana's gain," quips Bob Rooney as he reminds Buzz not to let the door hit him in the rear end as he exits the Blue Whale.

                                     FINE

Hey, gang, can you envision any other Dark Shadows characters experiencing the Dream Curse (Liz, Roger, Harry Johnson)?  What would their dreams be like?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who will now groove to the happily harmonious sounds of "Love Will Keep Us Together."

Dear Raineypark,

Call me a cynic, but aI think that Norma Jean Baker got it right many years ago with her sultry rendition of "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend."  (Just ask Anna Nicole Smith, Kathie Lee or Lady Kitty Hampshire, for that matter.)

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who subscribes to the maxim: "No money, no honey!"

Dear Patti,

I just want to say God love you.  You've broached a subject that even I doubt that I would ever have had the nerve to bring up for discussion.  But, since you've mentioned the subject of the "unkindest cut of all," how do we know for sure that Adam is of the Jewish persuasion?

You know, the great Joan Rivers does a joke where a vampire is about to bite a guy, and the guy pulls a crucifix out from his jacket, brandishing it in front of the vampire for protection.  The vampire just smirks at the guy and says (in his best Jackie Mason voice), "You silly schicsta, you need a Star of David, not a cross to protect you from me!"

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who agrees with the observation that you never really remember that simple surgical procedure, circumcision, from your infancy.  (Yeah, right...ouch!!!)

Dear Conselor,

Thank you for your most excellent and perspicacious legal advice.  I will remember your admonition before expressing future thoughts on the Dark Shadows universe.

You know, the members of the Collins family (Roger and Barnabas, for example) might want to limit or eliminate any potential liability to Sam and Maggie Evans (not to mention Maggie's main squeeze, Joe Haskell) by stating:

"Warning! Do not have any intercourse with the members of the Collins family (social or otherwise), especially when it entails painting and/or defacing  portraits, visiting old houses on the grounds of Collinwood, or making the acquaintance of any of the ex-wives of the Collins men!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bobtender, Guardian Ad Litem for "Baby" Adam.

Dear Luciaphil,

Please don't sue me!  I want to limit (if not, completely remove) any possible liability on my account.  I tried to write these posts as a reasonably prudent (if not, completely mature) man would do.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who pleads nolo contendere!  

Dear RobinV,

Here'a another poem which, I believe, applies to the Dark Shadows universe:

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming you,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!"

Now, I know that the prolific Rudyard Kipling passed away in 1936.  Nevertheless, I am confident that when this  wonderful author of "If" wrote this stirring poem, that he undoubtedly had in his mind, a man just like Eric Lang!  A man who "kept his head" when everyone else just wanted to dart out of that laboratory room.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who still refers to his first grade catechism book for inspiration. (I just know that Raineypark must still have her copy as well.)