Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,
I believe, all told, that there are eleven Dark Shadows characters who experience Angelique's Dream Curse. I got to thinking about other DS characters I would have liked to have seen "struggle" through Angie's orchestrated nightmare. I can almost see it now...
(Blue Whale Bar Fly, this one's for you.)
Buzz Hackett sits slumped over the bar in a seemngly empty Blue Whale tavern. Three slow knocks are heard on the front door. Buzz rises from his barstool and stumbles over to the door, opening it slowly.
To Buzz's surprise and delight, the coolly beautiful Portia Fitzsimmons stands seductively in the doorway. (Portia Fitzsimmons, art dealer extraodinaire, the classy kind of woman, who, ordinarily wouldn't even give a creep like Buzz Hackett the time of day on Christmas morning.)
Portia geatures with her hand for Buzz to follow her. "Okay, baby, are we going to a party?" Buzz eagerly inquires. A silent Portia smiles slighty and starts to walk away.
The lights begin to shimmer in psychedelic patterns and soft, tinkling music begins to play. "Hey, baby, this music sounds like 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.' I feel like we're in 'Beatlemania'!"
Portia stops in front of a heavy, wooden door. She opens it and motions for Buzz to enter. Buzz flashes Portia a lascivious smile. "It's just about 'party time,' isn't it, darling?" Buzz asks as he hurriedly enters the room.
Portia slams the door shut behind Buzz. "Hey, momma, what are you trying to pull on me?" Buzz demands. He tries to open the door but to no avail. Buzz turns to view a dimly lit room with fog on the floor and three doors on the other side of the room.
At that moment, Portia's silken voice reverberates throughout the room:
"Through sight and sound and faceless terror,
Through endless corridors by trial and error,
Ahead a blazing light does burn,
And one door leads to the point of return."
"That's beautiful poetry, baby. It sounds like something Jim Morrison wrote for the Doors," Buzz declares, now nervously eyeing his somewhat eerie surroundings.
And, speaking of doors, Buzz approaches the first door on the right and cautiously opens it. Buzz peers into the room and is puzzled to see a large, misty area inside. Midway in the room, a man stands with his back to Buzz. The mist clears and Buzz now sees an orchestra in front of the man.
Turning to his right, the man slowly waves his arms, and in a strange, foreign-sounding accent, says, "And a-one and a-two..." At that moment, accordionist Myron Floren and the rest of the boys in the Lawrence Welk band start to play a peppy rendition of Wayne Newton's classic hit "Danke Schoen."
"Ooh, that's spooky!" Buzz exclaims, quickly closing the door.
Intent on exiting this frightening scenario, Buzz rushes to the second door and opens it. Suddenly, a horrible, four-legged animal appears in the doorway, baring its teeth at Buzz as it rears up on its hind quarters. Buzz is about to run from the door when the horrible creature suddenly fades from view.
Buzz is now surprised to see a woman and a man, each seated in front of what looks like an expensive piano inside of the room. They both begin to play a soft melody. The woman, a cute blonde with a perky smile, gives Buzz a sly, come-hither stare and starts to sing:
"And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed,
Singin' and jinglin' the tango,
Floatin' like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love."
"The Captain & Tennile!" Buzz shrieks in horror, slamming the door shut. "Oh, man, I must be having a bum voyage. I gotta get out of here!"
Against his better judgment, Buzz opens the third and final door. Through the mist, Buzz hears the unmistakable sounds of drums beating and a band marching in military precision.
The mist clears, and Buzz sees a tall, gray-haired man (evidently the drum major) leading a band in Buzz's direction. The man glares at Buzz as he approaches the now absolutely terrified hippie-motorcyclist. Why, it's Uncle Sam, who stops, points his baton at Buzz, and says in a Darth Vaderlike voice, "Buzz Hackett, I want you!" The band, as if on cue, breaks into a spirited rendition of "You're In The Army Now!"
"Aaahh!" Buzz screams as everything abruptly turns to black.
Epilogue: Buzz finds himself back in the Blue Whale being shaken by the tavern's irritated proprietor, Bob Rooney. Buzz decides that it was just a simple nightmare; it's time that he went on a road trip to Mardi Gras in New Orleans just like Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider." Maybe the "Buzz-Man" will bump into the foxy Portia Fitzsimmons in the French Quarter.
"Great, Maine's loss is Louisiana's gain," quips Bob Rooney as he reminds Buzz not to let the door hit him in the rear end as he exits the Blue Whale.
FINE
Hey, gang, can you envision any other Dark Shadows characters experiencing the Dream Curse (Liz, Roger, Harry Johnson)? What would their dreams be like?
Sincerely,
Bob the Bartender, who will now groove to the happily harmonious sounds of "Love Will Keep Us Together."
