Hey gang,

I could say something extremely puerile about Nicholas Blair's hairstyle or Joe Haskell's alleged "taste" in clothes, but I'd like to think that I'm too mature to stoop to that level.

By the way, Blue Whale Barfly, God Bless You!!!  You'll be a saint in Heaven for defending Dark Shadows answer to Mother Theresa, Bathia Mapes.  (And, shame on you, VAM!)

However, my vote for the most disturbing moment and/or plot line on DS has to be Barnabas' unconscionable treatment of Maggie and Sam Evans.  I can't even begin to list all of the truly lousy things that Mr. B. has done to that family.  Suffice it to say, with a friend like Barnabas....

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who, on behalf of the late Mr. Sam Evans, would like to say: "Et tu, Barnabas?"

Ben,

Pansy Faye was the Madonna of her era.

Bob the Bartender, who also misses Merv singing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch Of Cocanuts" with his great sidekick, Arthur Treacher ("You rang, sir?)

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Throughout our nation's history, Americans have been equally fascinated and confounded by many enduring mysteries, perplexing mysteries such as:

             The puzzling disappearance of the settlers of the so-called "Lost Colony" of Roanoke Island, NC. in 1587.

              The truly mystifying disappearance of the great American aviator, Amelia Earhart, over the waters of the Pacific Ocean in 1937.

              However, perhaps the greatest mystery of all occurred back in 1968:  After Willie Loomis kidnapped Maggie Evans and imprisoned her in the secret room of the Collins mausoleum, just what did Maggie do, when she had to go "potty"?  I'm not kidding!  For 34 years, this great DS mystery has tormented me.  I can't begin to tell you how many sleepless nights, not knowing the answer to this question, it has cost me.

As our friend and very insightful colleague, Gerard, has pointed out in the past, there seems to be a dearth of "water closets," not only in Collinwood, but in every other house or structure in Collinsport, ME.

So, maybe ol' Wilie installed one of those "port-o-johnnies, that are frequently seen at construction sites and at outdoor concert events, in the secret room for the "comfort" of anyone who happened to be "occupying"  Barnabas' former resting place.  Can you think of any other "solutions" to this enduring Dark Shadows mystery?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who fondly remembers that card in the game "Clue," which says: "Go to the bathroom and take someone with you."

Hey gang,

Since the sheriff made Jim Traficant doff his rug in the slammer today, it's only fair that the good Dr. Hoffman should doff her wig as well.  After all, turnabout is fair play!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who asks the question: Steve Martin's hair, is it real or is it a squirrel on the top of his head?

I happened to see the great Pat Cooper on TV the other day.  Mr. Cooper says that when his wife puts Martha Stewart on the tube, he can't hear what Ms. Stewart is saying because she speaks so darned softly!  "You should try to arrange the flowers in this manner," she explains, in a sotto voce tone.  "Turn up the TV volume!" Mr. Cooper urges his wife.

By the way, the sixty-something Mr. Cooper reports that when he tried the new, blue wonder pill, Viagra, only his right leg stiffened up!  (Maybe Roger should have tried that pill before Cassandra split!)

Hey gang,

I seem to remember an earlier B&W episode of DS in which Vicky looks out of her bedroom window DOWN onto the grounds of Collinwood.  And, if I'm not mistaken in that same episode, Mr. Barnabas gazes dreamily UP at Vicky's bedroom window from the ground.

The point I'm getting at is why did it look as if Adam was standing on the ground, looking into Vicky's room?  I thought that he might be standing on the window sill or something.  But no, Adam seemed to be moving around on the ground.  So, what gives with Adam's perplexing position outside of Vicky's room?

Maybe Adam was standing on stilts like they use in the circus?  Or maybe, in addition to Adam's super-strength and super-intelligence, Adam can stretch up to Vicky's second floor window a la Reed Richards, better known as "Mr. Fantastic" of the Fantastic Four.  Can you think of any other explanations for Adam's seemingly impossible physical feat?

"Say It, Don't Spray It!"

I remember once seeing the great Al Pacino perform on stage.  Sitting in the orchestra section of the theater, I was struck at how much he (accidentally) spit into his fellow actor's face as Mr. Pacino forcefully delivered his lines.  Did you see John Karlen accidentally let KLS "have it" during their impassioned scene in the Collins mausoleum?  Similarly, Robert Rodan let Jonathan Frid "have it" during their highly emotional scene in the Old House.  To the actors' credit, no one even batted an eye!

Barnabas Collins:  Dark Shadows' Sergeant York

When I first saw Adam literally shatter Barnabas' rifle (made in Japan, no doubt) with one flick of his powerful wrist many years ago, my brothers and I were on the floor howling with laughter!  "Vicky, Maggie, er, Julia get out of here!"   You gotta love it!  

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who is grateful that Barnabas found the main door to Collinwood unlocked when he rushed to save Vicky from the explosive Adam.

Dear VAM,

Lord knows, I really should go back to Sunday School!

You know, while some kids were big fans of "Hammering" Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves, and other kids were fans of Neil Armstrong's exploits as an Apollo astronaut, I was the kind of kid whose personal hero was Arte Johnson's character, "The Dirty Old Man," on "Laugh In."

Who could forget the "Dirty Old Man's" polished park bench pick-up lines to Ruth Buzzi's frumpy, "Plain Jane" (with that awful fishnet stocking over her head): "You look particularly ravishing today, my dear."  To which Ms. Buzzi "responded" with a well-placed shot to the "Dirty Old Man's" head/homburg with her half dollar-laden pocket book.  Bang!!!  

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who wishes that Bathia Mapes would "sock it to me!"

PS Hey Ringo, how about the alternative expression, "Seasoned Veteran"?