It’s Too Bad Uber Did Not Exist in Collinsport, Circa 1966

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Hey gang,

After taking a ride with an Uber driver recently, I thought how great it would have been for the residents of Collinsport and more specifically, the occupants of Collinwood, to have been able to avail themselves of this terrific car service. Just imagine how much time, inconvenience and, I dare say, lives could have been saved or prevented if they had had Uber in that quaint New England fishing village?

When Vicky Winters first arrives in Collinsport via train, the chivalrous Burke Devlin graciously provides Vicky with a chauffeured limousine ride to the Collinsport Inn. Yet, when the new Collins governess reaches the inn, she is informed by Mr. Wells, the amiable hotel desk clerk, informs her the town’s only taxi cab has a flat tire and will not be available for some time. So, Vicky has to park her comely carcass on a stool at the Collinsport Inn Coffee Shop and proceeds to be called a “jerk” by a curiously blonde-coiffed waitress, Maggie Evans. If Uber had been available, Ms. Winters could have just driven straight out to Collinwood and avoided not having been called a “J-E-R-K” by the pretty and acerbic-tongued Collinsport Inn employee.

And, what of that tragic incident that occurred years before in Collinsport, where an inebriated Burke Devlin allegedly ran down a local Collinsport resident after a night of unrestrained drinking with his “good friend,” Roger Collins and Roger’s winsome fiancée, Laura Murdoch (or is that Stockbridge)? A pre-arranged ride with a responsible and sober Uber driver would have avoided that senseless tragedy. It would have also saved the melancholy Sam Evans from perjuring himself in an attempt to assist the scheming Roger Collins from avoiding responsibility for actually have driven the car that fateful night.

Needless to say, Roger could have avoided a near fatal crash if only he had called for a Uber drive into Collinsport to meet with Burke Devlin at the Blue Whale. But, no, “Roger-the-Dodger” just had to drive his flashy Mustang down that treacherous road, not knowing that his precocious son had sabotaged the infamous bleeder valve on his car’s breaks. Next time, Roger, let Uber do the driving, will you?

I guess reckless driving just seemingly runs in the Collins family, because shortly after Roger Collins’ near fatal crack-up, Collins heiress Carolyn Stoddard also has a fender bender accident, resulting in her reclusive mother, Elizabeth, having to leave Collinwood for the first time in 18 years in order to bail out her wanton and rebellious daughter. (I’m surprised Elizabeth didn’t take away the spoiled Carolyn’s car right then and there.)

And, how about the fiery and tragic auto death of psychic investigator, Dr. Peter Guthrie, killed on his way while driving to the Old House to conduct a seance to discover Laura Collins’s dark secret? What if the good Dr. Guthrie had ordered a Uber ride, perhaps driven by a driver for whom English was a second language? When the evil Phoenix, Laura Collins, recited her incantation in English causing the car to crash, the English-challenged Uber driver, probably wouldn’t have a clue what she was saying, thereby ironically avoiding that awful auto conflagration.

And wouldn’t Dark Shadows history itself have been dramatically altered if, when Vicky and Barnabas were to take a quick drive to the Eagle Hill Cemetery, Vicky had instead called Uber for a chauffeured ride to visit the Collins Family Mausoleum? Heck, that Uber driver would not have clinched and wrecked the car, merely by spotting Peter Bradford (or Jeff Clark) on the road to the cemetery. Just think, no over-turned car, then no Dr. Lang (God forbid!), no life force-exchange experiment, no Adam, no Eve., etc., etc.

I could go on about how unfortunate that Uber did not exist back then in Collinsport: a Uber-driven car would have enabled Dr. Julia Hoffman to devote her full attention to the possessed Roger Collins and prevent him from jumping out of the car after he had literally tried to harpoon the redoubtable Dr. Eric Lang in his office. If Barnabas had hired a Uber car, then Barnabas “Parnelli Jones” Collins would not have “accidentally” hit Grant Douglas, a/k/a Quentin Collins, in front of the Todd’s’ antique store, much to Carolyn Stoddard’s great horror.

Alas, how the Dark Shadows legend could have been dramatically changed had only Uber been there to take the wheel.

[Mysterious Benefactor]

You are so right about all of this BtB!!    The "present day" DS storylines are complete products of the '60s/'70s and out of necessity would have to be so different if they took place today...

[The Doctor and K9]

Here's a story that I can never confirm to even my own satisfaction. My mother's uncle used to drive for Cozy Cab in the 60's. Cozy was the cab company that drove Mrs. Johnson out to Collinwood. You can see the logo and part of the phone number on the cab. In the 90's Sci Fi was showing the series and I pointed out the cab to family. One of my aunts said that had to be Uncle Tony. This started a big argument. I asked if he ever told her he drove out there and appeared in Dark Shadows? She said no but he worked on "something for TV out on Ocean Drive."  That turned into "maybe it was a movie," and more arguing. What I came away with was that it could have been him. More likely it's not. He was driving at that time, but so were other people. This was the 60's and Newport was not the resort it is today, but still there were a lot of cabs on the road. More likely it was not him, but I'll never know for sure.

[Bob_the_Bartender]

MB,

Yes, it’s fun to look back at those 1960s/early 1970s episodes of DS and think how different they would be if today’s technology and social trends were commonplace then. Although, the 1995 storyline provided much discussion here about some of the 1990s technological advances we didn’t get to see during Barnabas and Dr. Hoffman’s brief trip to 1995; when Barnabas, Julia and the unnamed 1995 Collinsport sheriff discovered Carolyn’s body in Collinwood, the sheriff said he would either have to go outside to his police car to radio in for assistance or just drive to where he could phone in for help.

 Many posters here remarked that he should have had a cell phone with him to contact police headquarters. Unfortunately, the DS were not prescient enough to “anticipate” the development of cell phones way back in 1970. Did you notice that the Collinsport police officers’ uniforms also apparently never changed in twenty-five years? (Although, it seems as if the Collinsport town fathers evidently hired Sheriff George Patterson and Sheriff Davenport’s successor after a nationwide search for a sheriff, with some lawman from Birmingham, Alabama securing the job!)

[Uncle Roger]

There's a good chance that Uber Eats and similar food delivery services could have put Mrs. Johnson out of a job.

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Uncle Roger,

And wouldn’t perpetual Collinwood guest Jason McGuire have been positively delighted if Mrs. Stoddard had signed up for Uber Eats?

As I recall, Jason was no fan of Mrs. Johnson’s culinary “skills.” 

[Uncle Roger]

Perhaps, perhaps not. While the Uber eats would definitely solve one issue, there would still be the matter of finding acceptable restaurants in the Collinsport area. While that section of Maine appears to be quite well stocked with gin mills and the like, the only other eating establishment seems to be the coffee shop that seems to be run by Maggie and the mute Susie. Nobody seems particularly enthusiastic about the food there and getting it delivered may not be considered a good selling point.   

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Uncle Roger,

Now we’re venturing into those parts of daily life in Collinsport, that we never got to see on DS. Just once, I would have liked to have seen
Willie Loomis drive into town to pick-up a pizza, some chicken Marsala dinners and some calzones at the local Italian restaurant, pizzeria or trattoria. And, how about Barnabas or Willie, phoning the local Chinese restaurant from Collinwood to deliver some egg rolls, wonton soup and Moo Goo Gai Pan to the Old House? In NYC, many Chinese restaurants have their workers deliver food using bicycles. Can you imagine if the local Collinsport Chinese eatery also had their employees use bicycles to make home deliveries? I mean, it would be bad enough to bicycle out to Collinwood, but to bicycle out on that bumpy and isolated (not to mention scary) dirt road to the Old House would be too much for the poor delivery man or woman to put up with.

Finally, did Collinsport have a Subway Sandwich Shop or a Jersey Mike’s operating in town? I could see Joe Haskell, Sam Evans and Sheriff Paterson noshing down on a Jersey Mike’s Deluxe Turkey sandwich or Reuben sandwich. I remember the very first Jersey Mike’s Sandwich Shop was located on Arnold Avenue in Point Pleasant, NJ back in the mid 1950s before expanding to over 2,000 shops nationwide. Even the patrician Roger Collins probably ambled over from the Collins Fishing Cannery executive offices to luncheon at the local Jersey Mike’s.

[Mysterious Benefactor]

I love Jersey Mike's sandwiches. In fact, just a couple weeks ago I ate there with a friend while we were both out doing our weekly errands. We split a giant Chipolte Cheese Steak. I can see any number of combinations of Collinsport/Collinwood residents doing the same.