Some of you might enjoy my friend Kev's review of a 1988 soap-themed mystery novel, THE PHANTOM OF THE SOAP OPERA by Judi Miller.
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Kev's review (includes spoilers):
Jamaica Plains, Mass., 1962. Party girl Emily abandons unwanted lovechild 'Noonie' to the dubious care of Mrs. Jackson's private "Orphanage" as punishment for (a) not being born a girl and (b) losing his job on a soap opera (the character was killed off). Noonie tries to change Mama's mind by throwing on a dress and chasing after her car. The other abandoned kids laugh at him. Beaten, drugged and abused at the 'Orphanage,' Noonie is eventually admitted to a psychiatric ward. His only fond memory of his time with Mrs. Jackson is assisting Joe the handyman in his work. Joe taught him how to use tools.
New York City, 1987. 'The Master' aka 'The Soap Opera Stabber,' is loose in Manhattan, murdering starlets with a trusty screwdriver, specifically those who play, audition, or are considered for the part of 'Heather' in "the hottest soap opera on the air." To celebrate its 25th anniversary, the All My Days team are planning "the most spectacular soap wedding ever filmed for television" - comparisons are drawn with that of Charles and Princess Di. Tragically, Kristi Marlowe doesn't live to enjoy overnight superstardom. One evening she invites a surprise visitor into her dressing room. A single blow from behind heralds a reign of terror!
The writers decide against "retiring" the Heather character, instead persevere with a hastily improvised script which sees the bride-to-be involved in a near fatal car accident. Comatose and bandaged from head to toe, 'Heather's life hangs in the balance as Wanda Furman, 'Crystal' in rival soap Shining Light, auditions for the part. 'The Master' is not best pleased and Wanda dies from multiple stab wounds.
Jessica Lee, the former child-star, is a controversial, deeply unpopular choice for Heather MK III. Hardly has she pulled on her costume than All my Days creator and chief writer Irma "Czarina of the soap opera" Hood, is petitioning for her to be sacked. The Phantom Stabber strikes again.
Detective Theresa 'Terry' Morrison of 20th Homicide is assigned the case. With three famous stars dead, it is imperative the police apprehend the killer before he-she strikes again. Terry rooms with Dierdra Miles, aka Joy on Shine A Light, the latest version of Heather, whose lucrative salary takes into account that "It's not a traditionally lucky role."
The chief suspects include everybody, but especially:
Aunt Beulah, a twisted, possibly demented harridan who has been with the soap from episode one. Probably the last person to see Kirsti alive, she loathes young actresses and revels in their murders. On the one occasion she is glimpsed sans blouse and wig, Aunt Beulah looks very much like an Uncle Beulah.
Maxwell Schwartz, an old school casting couch director who favoured Jessica Lee for the Heather role. Did he murder Kirsti and Wanda to bag the female lead for his latest conquest?
Kevin Gardner, a young hot head with romantic connections to all the victims. Kevin is a "serious actor," currently employed as a waiter, and despising it. Almost as much as he despises those of his vocation who sell out by appearing in soaps. Walking out on Deirdra, he takes all his belongings. And her screwdriver.
Irma Hood. Chief writer. As far as she is concerned, former child star Jessica Lee is entirely devoid of talent and should not be allowed anywhere near All My Days. Irma lives through her beloved characters. Would she kill for them?
Alan Alders. Dierdra's handsome thirty-something co-star on Tomorrow's Just Another Day. A screwdriver-owning alcoholic misogynist, who ..... was raised in an orphanage!
Bob Morrison, Terry's husband and fellow cop. Furious at being constantly outshone by the little missus, he good as demands she pack in her career and become a proper slippers-ready-when-I-get-home housewife like any normal woman. Terry angrily refuses and decides against informing him of her pregnancy.
Dawn Emory. Plays bit-parts on all the soaps. "She was dressed like Theda Bara in a black-beaded cloche hat and a complete black 1920s costume. Her shoes were black and in period. Only her stockings, patterned and lacy, spoke of the 1980s. She dangled a sequinned black cigarette holder from her mouth. No cigarette." Never in the frame, not even thrown in as a red herring, but, with everyone else seemingly gone AWOL from a Murder She Wrote shoot, her fashion sense raises sagging morale.
Walter Smith, gregarious editor of hot gossip mag, Soap Opera Scoops. Amiable, disgusted by the crimes and eager to do all he can to assist the police, still he blows a gasket when Terry confides that she's planning to raise her child as a single parent.
And who or what is Ignatious Xavier?
Everyone agrees that Terry is much too beautiful to be a detective and "You could be a soap star." The detective duly bags a speaking part as a Wedding guest. At least she'll be close at hand should a TV audience of millions prove temptation too great for the killer to resist. As if everyone weren't already stressed out, the episode is to be shot 'live.' A cop advises his pal that, should 'The Master' try his or her luck, "Let's keep cool, humor him, and wait for further orders. After all, Oswald killed Ruby on live TV."
