Episode #0770

[It's up to the first poster to come up with a set up, and then each following post will either complete it or fill in the blank(s). And, as always, whoever posts the set up is certainly allowed to post their own completion/fill in as a follow up.]

Setup:

Barnabas: Now, Dirk, before you actually become a vampire, here are a few basic rules.  First, always keep your fangs in a safe place.  I myself use my inner waistcoat pocket.  I tried my back trouser pocket, but I learned my mistake the first time I sat down.  Second...

...Second, never cast a shadow.  Shadows should be sculpted, not cast.  I myself keep my shadow-sculpting knife in my inner waistcoat pocket.  I tried my back trouser pocket, but I learned my mistake the first time I sat down.

...you can sharpen your bangs only by the light of a new moon.  I myself keep my bang sharpener in my inner waistcoat pocket.  I tried my back trouser pocket, but I learned my mistake the first time I sat down.

bang sharpener

 

....avoid any woman carryng a compact mirror on her lest she see you have no reflection. However, you're completely safe in front of a full-length mirror.

IluvBarnabas, that's so true!


...always leave your coffin open in case you're in a hurry at dawn.  I myself keep my coffin opener in my inner waistcoat pocket.  I tried my back trouser pocket, but I learned my mistake the first time I sat down.

...always wait at least an hour after biting before you fly.  By the way, I myself keep my inner bat in my inner waistcoat pocket.  I tried my back trouser pocket, but I learned my mistake the first time I sat down.

"avoid mirrors, but if you do come across one: create a distraction by throwing someone out of a window."

"rationalize your teleporting abilities by simply stating: 'I ran. You just must be really slow!' "

"don't go out into the sun..your skin will glitter & people will point & laugh."

"dead victims can be disposed of in the beds of your enemies."

"cows kick..HARD. So, feed from the front end only."

"avoid the temptation to write a book, start a rock band or do anything else that calls attention to your vampirism."

"cows kick..HARD. So, feed from the front end only."

LOL!  Does this come from personal experience?

...always go for the jugular.  Vampires Я Us has an excellent line of jugular finders, both battery operated and wind-up.  I myself have a solar powered model, which I keep in my inner waistcoat pocket.  Funny, it's never worked very well, even before I sat on it.

...always do a stake check of your coffin room before you settle down for the day.  I prefer walking counterclockwise around my coffin, but I once knew a vampire who insisted on hopping clockwise on one foot, with his left pinkie rubbing his right fang for luck.

Hemophiliacs make a big mess.

    

Unlike certain other nocturnal activities, moaning and shrieking from your chosen partner should not be considered encouragement for a job well done.