Dear CastleBee,

I love it!!!  FrankenJeff kind of looks like Elvis, the "King of Rock and Roll" with that prominent pompadour on the top of his head.

You should have a sequel entitled, "FrankenJeff Meets Barnabas Collins, Mr. Disco-Fever."

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who still puts on his white Good Humor Man disco leisure suit to groove to the sounds of Evelyn "Champagne" King.  

Hey gang,

I thought that the venerable T. Elliot Stokes was a professor of parapsychology.  (That specific academic program must be as "rigorous" as the one some of my friends had when they were "urban studies" majors in college.  And that's why some of them made "Who's Who" for college academic "excellence.")

You know, I don't believe that we ever learned the actual name of Prof. Stokes' institution of higher learning.  In any event, the school's administration was apparently very liberal in providing the good professor with time off to pursue his supernatural research/investigations.

It would have been great fun to have seen Prof. Stokes lecturing to a class of freshmen students featuring Carolyn Stoddard, Maggie Evans, Harry Johnson, the Eagle Hill Cemetery Caretaker (the school's oldest freshman student!) and the group's class clown, Edwin "Buzz" Hackett!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who yawns when he recalls those dreary, soporific evening classes (a sure cure for insomnia!).

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Let's get this straight, Barnabas (with the "help" of the esteemed Dr. Lang) will remove Jeff Clark's head and place it on the new body for Barnabas.  So, Barnabas/Jeff Clark shows up at Collinwood (now weighing in at about 240 lbs., and standing-up straight at about six-foot-five), and Miss Vicky is NOT supposed to notice anything different about this guy?  I know that Vicky is usually naive and ingenuous, but this really strains credulity!!!

When the Dark Shadows writers conceived this particular plotline, were they tripping out on tabs of sunshine?  (Tabs of Sunshine - a term for LSD for all of you Dark Shadows fans who were not yet a gleam in your father's eyes back during the swinging Sixties.)

During the course of two episodes, Dr. Lang anesthesized Jeff a total of three, count 'em, THREE times!  Poor Jeff must have had the grandfather of all hangovers as he was "coming down" the next day!

As an unabashed fan of Lang & Clark, I just loved their dialogue today:

Dr. Lang: "Jeff, give me that knife (scalpel)."  

Jeff C.: "Yeah, I'll give you the knife, doctor, right between your ribs!"

Dr. Lang: "Jeff, let me give you a treatment for your problem."

Jeff C.: "Yeah, doctor, THE treatment!"

Another example of Lang & Clark's classic comedic schtick for everyone to enjoy!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender

PS Jeff C.: "Dr. Hoffman, you've got to believe me that Dr. Lang wants to cut off my head."

Dr, H.: (In a moment of inner dialogue) "Jeff, you're #@*%ing crazy!!!"

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

When Barnabas offered to explain to Tony, in what I took to be in an avuncular and somewhat condescending manner, the exact nature of his relationship with Carolyn, I was expecting a different response from Tony.

I actually expected to hear the cynical, worldy-wise, (probably New England School of Law educated attorney) Tony Petersen,  to say to Mr. B., "That's the biggest crock of pure, unadulterated bovine excrement that I've heard in my entire life!"

Of course, the refined gentleman of the eighteenth century would have no droll riposte to this "candid" contemporary comment.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender,  who thinks the distinguished Dr. Eric Lang looks like Sen. Fritz Hollings of the great state of South Carolina.

To: Vam

From: Bob the Bartender

Re: To plagiarize or plagiarism - Is it permissible?

Date; May 3, 2002

I'll  have to check out the meaning of that word with my colleagues, Stephen Ambrose and Doris Kearns Goodwin.  Perhaps I'll also confer with Sen. Joe Biden of  the great state of Delaware.

And, if that doesn't answer my question, I'll check with the great Dan Curtis himself.  I believe that Mr. Curtis had his Dark Shadows writers "borrow" very liberally from the likes of Poe and his contemporaries.  You know, it's too bad that Steven King was NOT writing his novels back when Dark Shadows was on the air.  Long live Cliff Notes!!!

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I loved it when Vickie, standing in the Collins mausoleum, accused Julia of knowing all about the secret room there.  Of course, Dr. H. vehemently (and convincingly) denied any knowledge of the room.

You have to hand it to Julia.  She maintains a great poker face even when confronted with the truth.  They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul.  Yet, Julia, whose veins must be coursing with anti-freeze, remains as cool as cucumber, never betraying her emotions.

If I might paraphrase a famous, former politician who once made a comment about another famous, former politician, "That Julia Hoffman, she's an especially good liar."  John Lovitz's "Liar Man" would, no doubt, be  impressed  by the good doctor's ability to equivocate.

Bob the Bartender, who believes that Julia never heard George Washington's famous words, "I cannot tell a lie."

Hey Gang,

I dunno, but I think that Lang & Clark is at least as funny as Skiles & Henderson, Sandler & Young or Martin & Lewis.

Bob the Bartender, a big-time fan of the great Freddy Roman.

Dear ProfStokes,

It's seems rather trite for a bartender to just offer congratulations to the outstanding graduate by just saying, "Cheers," "Bottoms Up!" or "Here's mud in your eye." So, I think I'll borrow the great Jimmy Cagney's congratulatory salutation to his gunslinging, gangster mom in the classic flick "White Heat," so "Top of the world to ya', ProfStokes!"

Bob the Bartender, a valedictorian of the school of hard knocks.