Dear Connie,

Do you think that Willie Loomis might be a distant "American cousin" of Hyacinth's "beloved" brother-in-law, Onslow?  By the way, I would love to find out the maiden name of Hyacinth, Daisy, Rose and Violet.  Maybe it's Crabtree, or, more likely Crabgrass!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who wonders if Hyacinth's unrequited admirer, "The Major," would be hot for Mrs. Johnson?  

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Do you think that Barnabas despises Vicky's fiance, Jeff Clark, more than Willie loathes Maggie's fiance, Joe Haskell, or vice versa?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who will soon start loathing a certain, oleaginous fop.

Hey gang,

I have to say that you've all offered some wonderful ideas for Mr. Clark's vocation/avocation.

I have to wonder what Jeff lists as his last previous job when he fills out an employment application.  Maybe when Jeff, who last worked as an assistant for the remarkable Dr. Eric Lang, ponders what to write down, and..., euphemistically lists his last job the way Vito Corleone once described Americo Bonasera's profession: "Corpse Valet"!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who urges you guys to always wear a white buttoned-down shirt with a rep tie and blue navy suit for that all-important first interview!  (Ladies should wear a similarly styled Evan Piconne suit, minus the tie, of course!)

Dear fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Today, a delighted Vicky greeted her fiance, Jeff, by asking him if he was sick,and that was why Jeff was not at his job.  "I'm lovesick," Jeff replied, in a cute and cloying sort of way.

You know, I got to wondering just where the mercurially magnificent Jeff Clark was gainfully employed in Collinsport?  Here are few ideas that I came up with:

1. Saleman at the men's clothing department at Brewster's Department Store.  ("I must say that that size-52, portly man's double-breasted suit fits you like a glove, Prof. Stokes.")

2.  Bartender trainee and bus boy at the Blue Whale Tavern.  ("Sure thing, Bob.  I'll make sure to clean both the men's and ladies' rest rooms before I leave tonight.")

3. Saleman and apprentice gemologist at Braithewaite's Jewelry Store.  ("I couldn't agree with you more, Mr. Braithewaite.  Let's hope that J. Edgar Hoover and his G-Men catch that dangerous gangster, John Dillinger, before he makes his way up here to New England.")

Can you think of any other jobs that Vicky's inamorata might be toiling at in the quaint New England village of Collinsport, ME?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I just loved Jeff's heartfelt words of love when he handed an obviously overjoyed Vicky, the engagement ring:  "It (the ring) is old-fashioned.  It reminded me of you."  Oh yeah, that's an example of what we call a "left handed compliment."  It's like saying to a short person: "You may be built close to the ground, but, always remember, good things come in small packages."  

I'm surprised that Jeff didn't tell "old-fashioned" Vicky, that she reminded him of, say, Moms Mabley or Grandma Moses!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, former etiquette advisor to Patrick Buchanan and Ozzy Osbourne.  

Blue Whale Barfly,

In regards to those wayward, misbehaving priests across the USA, maybe Barnabas' ultimate "handling" of the original Rev. Ian Trask is not such a bad idea after all!

Hey Ringo,

I can see Paul McCartney and Elton John certainly being knighted for all of the worthwhile, altruistic "deeds" (what a corny word, "deeds," from the Wizard of Oz!) that they have performed over the years.  But, "Sir" Mick Jagger, Tony Blair has got to be kidding!

Perhaps James Carville advised the British PM that it would be good politically to honor the petulant, bad boy of Rock & Roll.  I mean, growing up in NY, I remember seeing Mick and Bianca Jagger listlessly hanging out in Studio 54, chilling out for seemingly the entire decade of the 1970's!  

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, bon vivant, man of the world and former bus boy at the Blue Whale Tavern!

Hey Gang,

I just want to know when Bob O'Connell and the lovely and alluring Lovelady Powell will be making their first (?) appearance at a Dark Shadows Festival?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender

PS Is the lovely and alluring Lovelady Powell, quite possibly, the better half of the one and only Addison Powell?  In any event, Addison Powell rocks!!!

This Is The Way We Wash Our Whites (At Collinwood), So Early In The Morning!


Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

You know, there have been times that I've taken a clean load of whites from the washing machine, and thrown them into the dryer, only to forget all about them and ticked off the next person who wants to use the dryer.  (I'll bet you've done it yourself out there.  Come on and admit it!)

Well, as we've all seen, Carolyn has been sneaking food up to Adam in the West Wing.  I got to thinking about how Carolyn also has the sole responsibility of providing Adam with clean pillow cases, bed sheets, clothes and underwear, etc.  (Just who else is going to do it?)

I can see Carolyn sneaking down to the Collinwood laundry room in the basement of the great house.  However, what with Carolyn having so much on her mind: her Mom is in the hospital, her uncle is down in the dumps over his second failed marriage in a row, and, let's face it, the nubile Collins heiress has lately been experiencing a largely lousy love life of her own, that it's not inconceivable that Carolyn absentmindedly left Adam's Jockey underwear in the dryer.

Okay, the seemingly perpetually querulous Mrs. Sarah Johnson goes down to the laundry room to put some wash in the dryer.  To Mrs. J.'s surprise, she spies some undies in the dryer.  Mrs. Johnson grabs a rather large pair of men's shorts with both hands, holds them up to the light for a better look, and exclaims incredulously, "Jesus Christ, whose freaking drawers are these!?!"

Mrs. Johnson tries to determine just who is the owner of these "king-sized" undies.  They're too big for Roger or young Davey.  And they're too big for her no-good-account son, Harry, she reasons.  (Mrs. Johnson eliminates Barnabas and Willie for the same reason.)  And, then, like an epiphany, it hits her!  "Vicky must be washing all of these shorts and t-shirts for that stout gentleman, Prof. Stokes, who she's recently become friendly with!"  And, so, an "uncomplaining" Sarah Johnson dutifully folds each and every piece of underwear, and leaves them neatly stacked on the nearby laundry table for Miss Vicky to pick up whenever she finds it convenient to do so.

It's like Dark Shadows' version of either "The Donna Reed Show, " or "My Little Margie."  

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, an avid admirer of that "Domestic Goddess," Roseanne Barr (or whatever her current last name is!).