Hey gang,

I think that if Adam happened to tune into TV Land at 9:30 PM (EST), he'd be in for the most pleasant shock of his life when "The Munsters" started to air.

"My God, these are my kind of people!" Adam would probably exclaim.  Tears would come to Adam's eyes as he watched that loving, happy couple, Herman and Lily Munster, the parents that Adam never had!  And who would not love to have a wonderfully zany and kind-hearted grandfather like Grandpa Munster?

Of course, Eddie would be the perfect little brother for Adam.  (They'd be like the supernatural versions of Wally and "Beaver" Cleaver.)  And, the blonde and beautiful Marilyn would be the ideal "kissing cousin" for Adam.

I think Adam would pack his extensive collection of turtleneck sweaters into his suitcase and hit the road immediately for 1313 Mockintgbird Lane, USA, much to Nicholas' chagrin.

Bob the Bartender, diehard Al Lewis fan!

For Nicholas Blair: "Always wear your sporty hat (fastened with a strong pin) when standing at the top of Widow's Hill."

For Collinsport Inn Manager Mr. Wells:  "Take that other job at Motel6, IMMEDIATELY!"

For Professor Stokes: "Refrain from acting as an academic mentor for comely, dark-haired graduate students with a devilish gleam in their pretty eyes."

For Roger Collins: "Next time you want to find a life companion, try the over forty singles dinner dance at the local Christian Science Reading Room."

For Paul Stoddard:  "Next time you want to blow off some steam, try getting wasted at the Kit Kat Lounge in Rockport, rather than at the Blue Whale in Collinsport."

For bartender Bob Rooney: "To avoid the inevitable Friday night brawls in your tavern, try serving O'Douls, Sharp, Cutter, Claustholler, etc. along with the rest of the rot-gut that you offer in your establishment."

For Sheriff Paterson: "Even though you live in cloudy and chilly Maine, never forget to slap that Coppertone SPF 55 on the top of your head before you go out on patrol."

For Joe Haskell: "Consider a career as a Maine state trooper.  It's infinitely safer than working as a fisherman at the Collins Cannery."

For Eve: "If you'd like to blend a bit more with the local female folk of Collinsport, try ordering some matronly clothing items from either the L.L. Bean Catalog or the Lady Brooks Brothers Catalog."

For Carolyn Stoddard: "Why don't you try meeting some nice young man in Prof. Stokes' class on satanic cults in America."

Hey gang,

As I was leaving the 1999 DS Festival in NYC, I happened to bump into Mr. Davis on the stairway.  He smiled at me and said hi. I responded that it was great to see him at the festival.  I think that Mr. Davis is a heck of a nice guy.

Of course, as an unabashed fan of Lang & Clark, I'm just the least bit partial in my assessment of Roger Davis and Addison Powell!

Bob the Bartender

Gerard,

Do you think that ol' Willie could at least fix Barnabas up a hot toddy, just the way Ben Stokes used to make one for Mr. Barnabas?

Bob the Bartender, who wistfully reflects, if the baseball players go on strike on Aug. 30, we're going to have a lot more time to contemplate the culinary talents (or lack of them) of one Mr. William Hollingshead Loomis.

Dear Candlelighter,

I got nervous as Julia kept tearing away at Joe's sweater with those scissors with about as much reckless abandon as Teddy Roosevelt employed, waving his saber as he charged up San Juan Hill with the Rough Riders!  I thought that Julia was going to give Joe a much worse cut wound to his throat than Angelique did.

I shudder to think what "damage" Julia could have done if Joe had stabbed himself in the upper thigh instead of the stomach.  (Joe Haskell, Collinsport's only known  living eunuch!!!)

Bob the Bartender, who remembers the great Gabe Kaplan's reminiscence of his high school gym instructor, Mr. Lombardi:  "Hey, you guys got your supporters on?  You gotta take care of the jewels.  Gotta take care of the family jewels!"

Julian,

That's a great idea about some accompanying musical entertainment at Barnabas' candlelight supper.  It's too bad that Roger was not invited to the soiree.  Heck, he could have wowed them with some songs from his "Nobody Loves Langley" CD, I mean, LP album.

Dr. Eric Lang,

You're right on with your suggestion of riparian entertainment.  Perhaps Barnabas could have held the waterside supper from on top of Widow's Hill.  Barnabas could have regaled everyone with tales about how Josette, Bill Malloy and Adam all bungee-jumped from the precipice without the aid of a safety rope.  Geronimo!!!  

Hey gang,

Maybe Willie's main dish was the same as the one Woody Allen served at the last scene in "Broadway Danny Rose" to his guests, Thanksgiving frozen tv turkey dinners?

However, instead of pizza, maybe Willie ordered food from George Chang's Authentic Chinese-American Restaurant in Collinsport.  (Now, how Willie phoned in that order from the Old House is quite another matter.)

Can you imagine that Chinese delivery guy bicycling his way out to the Old House over that extremely bumpy dirt road (and through the truly frightening grounds of Collinwood )?  It was probably the first and only time that Barnabas and Willie were ever cursed out in Mandarin!

Bob the Bartender, who believes that Jeff Clark's fortune cookie must say, "Beware of tall, raven-haired women in black cocktail dresses."

Hey gang,

It's too bad that we didn't get to see what epicurean feast "Chef" Willie Loomis prepared for Barnabas' guests the other night at the Old House.  I'm sure you'll agree with me that it was a candlelight supper that that renowned British hostess, Mrs. Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced "Bouquet"), would glowingly approve of.

Let's see, Willie might begin with a fresh tossed salad that he picked up at the local Pathmark, Giant, Von's, Publix (take your pick).  Willie might then serve either some fine Progresso lentil soup or Campbell's all-time-favorite, tomato soup.  

The first course of Willie's feast would be Chef-Boy-Ardee Raviolis from a can.  (Yummy!)  However, Nicholas Blair, a true gastronome, who has traveled the world in search of fine dining, would be positively ecstatic about Willie's main course dish of beef goulash.  "Why, Willie, I haven't had beef goulash this exceptional since I was last in Budapest.  Where ever did you get the recipe for this wonderful dish?"

To which a diffident Willie replies, "Hamburger Helper, helps you make a great meal!!!"

I'm sure we all wish we had been able to break bread with Barnabas, Julia, Elliot (a man with a positively Herculean appetite!) and Nicholas at this truly sumptuous meal.  Bon Appetit, or as my grandfather used to say, "Mangia!!!"  (Eat your heart out, Julia Child!)

Bob the Bartender, who always brings red wine when I dine at White Castle.