During the last century, legendary comedy teams have entertained and delighted countless American audiences; great comedy teams such as Laurel & Hardy, Hope & Crosby, Abbott & Costello, and Nichols & May, to name but a few.

Now, a bright, new duo joins this pantheon of comedy greats.  Of course, I'm referring to Collinsport, Maine's two native sons, those new Kings of Comedy, Lang and Clark!

Yes, Eric Lang, master of the malaprop, the non sequitur, and possessor of that winsomely crooked smile, a great straight man in the tradition of Bud Abbott.    And the younger half of this sensational, new comedy team, the irrepressible Jeff Clark, whose skillful use of the pratfall and the phony limb, and whose unparalled utilization of humorous histrionics, makes him a comedic force to be reckoned with.

Be forewarned, dear viewer, for you will soon be exposed to almost unrelenting, sidesplitting humor.  Understandbly, all of Collinsport is justifiably proud of its two local boys who have made good.  Think of them as Collinsport's answer to Cheech and Chong.  Let the laughter begin!!!

Hey Gang,

When you are an overnight patient in the hospital, you learn (rather quickly) to overcome any feeling of embarrassment as a result of some necessary medical procedure.

It's rather difficult for a guy to maintain his dignity when a rather large, middle-aged female nurse comes into your room and tells you to rollover on your side, so that she can take your "temperature."  What's a guy supposed to say to the nurse while she's "checking" your body temperature, "Hey, how did the Mets and Yankees do tonight?"

I can just imagine if that Nurse Ratched lookalike came into Barnabas' room to take his "temperature."  As the nurse "checked" him out, Mr. B. would probably look at her with an insouciant expression on his face and say, "You should feel honored, nurse, I usually only let Dr. Hoffman perform this test on me."

Bob the Bartender, who shudders when he remembers those mass Army physicals.

Dear RobinV,

For the sake of Willie, Maggie, Barnabas, Chris and Amy Jennings, etc., let's hope that the accursed Nurse Ratched NEVER worked at Windcliff.

Bob the Bartender

Gerard,

Maybe Mr. B. sleeps au naturel in his coffin?  Come to think of it though, it would probably get mighty chilly sleeping in that pine box in that damp, clammy Old House basement with just your birthday suit on.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, president of the Collinsport Committee for Clothing Optional Bathing at the beach at Findley's Cove.

Hey Gang,

I have to agree with Craig Slocum.  Mrs. Sarah Johnson is the greatest Mom of all.

Think about it, she not only had to raise her son Harry (but, more about him later), she also raised a daughter whom, unfortunately, we never got to see.  (I wonder what Mrs.J.'s daughter was like?)  In addition, Mrs. Johnson never had the life of luxury that all of the other Dark Shadows mothers (with the possible exception of Maggie Evans' mother) had.

Mrs. Johnson was widowed at a very young age.  She had to raise two children on her own.  And she supported the family by working as a cleaning lady/cook for Bill Malloy, sort of like Delores Claiborne.

When Bill Malloy tragically went to "sleep with the seaweed," Mrs. Johnson, at an advanced age, took over the daunting responsibilities of housekeeper/cook/majordomo at that Mall of Americalike mansion, Collinwood.  Do you think that any of those pampered Collins ladies could handle that work load?  I can just imagine Rachel Collins Trask preparing an epicurean feast of Mulligan's stew for a company-sized group of hungry Collins diners, can't you?

Finally, I think that Mrs. Johnson did her absolute best with her recalcitrant son Harry a/k/a Mr. "Sticky Fingers" (wasn't that the title of a Rolling Stones album?  Maybe our resident rock expert, Ringo, could answer that question.)  It had to be extremely difficult for Mrs. J. to raise a son without a father there to instill discipline and provide a male role model.  As much as I admire Mrs. Johnson, the lady simply could not do everything.  Harry Johnson, regrettably, is just a bad apple.  Why, I'd even go so far as to say that guy, Harry, he's a real mother*!%@*r!

Bob the Bartender, who reminds you that even Garth Blackwood had a mother.

Gerard,

Concerning your explanation about how all of the actors kept on two separate sets of clothing for weeks on end, now I know why Jonathan Frid, Alexandra Moltke, Louis Edmonds and Nancy Barrett NEVER appeared as a guest celebrity contestant on The Dating Game Show during that specific period of time.

Bob the Bartender, who still grooves to the Dating Game Show theme song played by the great Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass.

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I was glad to see that there were no wardrobe continuity bloopers/blunders on today's first episode.  Everyone appeared to wearing the same outfits they had on when Vicki first "departed" on her sojurn into the past several months ago.

Liz still had on her yellow dress.  Roger was still sporting his grey checked sportscoat.  Carolyn was wearing that same blue Nancy Drew dress.  Ms. (now Dr.) Hoffman still had on the same drab brown dress.  And, Mr. B., as always, was sartorially spendid in his navy blue three-piece Brooks Brothers suit.

I think that today's first episode was one of the most compelling episodes of Dark Shadows.  Nancy Barrett's straightforward, yet, profound introductory comments set the right tone for this memorable episode.  Kudos to writer Sam Hall for his superb dialogue and to all of the actors for their wonderful performances.

That being said, I was puzzled by Julia's explanation to Mrs. Stoddard for her coming to Collinwood under false pretenses:  "I came to Collinwood because my medical duties and responsibilities at Windcliff had become too much for me.  I thought that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown," or words to that effect.

Oh yeah, and trying to help a nearly two-hundred-year-old vampire to find a cure for his "disease," (not to mention aiding that same vampire in the plot to murder your lifelong friend and colleague) is NOT enough to drive you over the edge?  Mama mia!  Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that Miss Vicki is not the only one who can traverse time!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who lives by the ancient Taiwanese maxim, "Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see."

Hey Gang,

Bathia Mapes is too good for the nefarious Nathan.  Let him date Lorena Bobbitt!

Bob the Bartender, who reminds you, "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time!!!"