"Willie, why do you have all of my father's past issues of National Geographic, dealing specifically with the indigenous peoples of the Fiji Islands and the Amazon jungle in your bedroom?" 

"No offense, Barnabas, but while I look uber-hip like David Cassidy in 'The Partridge Family,' in that drab, blue suit, you look like Robert Young in 'Father Knows Best.'"

Mrs. Stoddard's obviously bitterly-disappointed reaction, immediately after Julia and Quentin have informed her that the Yanni concert in Portland has been completely sold out.

"Mrs. Johnson, sometimes I think, that if I had married Nicholas Blair, I'd now be living in a stylish London flat."

"And, if you had married Joe Haskell, you'd now be living in a dank, cold-water Collinsport flat, dearie!" 

During an early morning break from painting Barnabas' portrait, Sam discovers that the can of Lysol in the Old House outhouse is completely used up, so he "improvises" by lighting a match!

"No, Willie!  No more free samples of Cialis for you until, at least,  next year!  Why don't you try taking up gardening as a healthy 'distraction'?"   

An obviously devastated Charity/Pansy, immediately after American Idol host Simon Cowell likened her rendition of "I Want to Dance For You" as about as dulcet-sounding as Mr. Ed being "transformed" into a gelding!   

Of course, if Dr. Hoffman were unavailable to treat cable televison's most famous waste management disposal executive, perhaps the estimable Dr. Eric Lang, Dark Shadow's own absent-minded mad scientist extraordinaire, could have pinch-hit for his colleague?

Can you imagine the first time that Dr. Lang met his new patient?  The good doctor would probably mess-up his last name by calling him "Mr. Castrato" instead of "Mr. Soprano."  ( And, wouldn't that entirely innocent faux pas have scored points with Big Tony right off of the bat?)   

No doubt , Dr. Lang would have offerred Tony the same possibility of an entirely "new life, in a new body" that he originally offerred to Barnabas.  However, since the vapid and vacuous (yet, perfectly coiffed) Jeff Clark's head would no longer be "available," maybe Dr. Lang would offer Tony the vapid and and vacuous noggins of either the abstemious actor Colin Farrell or that of Farrell's fellow actor (?) Nick Lachey (perhaps, formerly, better known as "Mr. Jessica Simpson") ?  Now, that's an offer that even Big Tony could not refuse!