Curling Up With A "Good" Book

Hey gang,

That was some engrossing scene today when Lady Kitty awoke from her vivid dream to find those flowers and that book, The Love Sonnets of Robert Burns, on her night table (notwithstanding that pesky and seemingly omnipresent Dark Shadows Fly!).

However, I wonder what Lady Kitty's reaction would have been if she had awakened to find any of these other tomes on night table?:

Ectasy and Me - The autobiography of the late, sultry screen goddess, Hedy Lamarr.

Ball Four - The irreverent recollections of baseball pitcher Jim Bouton's tenure with the expansion (and now defunct) Seattle Pilots of the American League.

Tall, Dark and Gruesome - The autobiography of actor Christopher Lee, arguably the most terrifying Dracula ever to bare his fangs on the silver screen.

Fear of Flying - Author Erica Jong's novel, chronicling a woman's lifelong search for "liberation."

Yet, perhaps this following self-help book might prove to be the most inspiring and encouraging book for Lady Kitty Hampshire:

The Gold Diggers Guide to Landing a Spouse with Mucho Dinero - by Catherine Zebra-Johns and Michael Dowd, with a Foreword by Kathie Lee-Me .

Ms. Zebra-Johns and her apparently ageless, Dorian Graylike husband, Mr. Dowd, will explain, in detail, all of the subtle and artful techniques needed to attract that prospective, wealthy mate.

Kathie Lee-Me will lend her expertise on how a woman of a "certain" age can still successfully play the coquette, in order to reel in an "older" and very affluent man.

A subsequent chapter details how a successful gold digger, once married, can make a killing by negotiating a lucrative, albeit tacky deal, with a tabloid, to publish exclusive photographs of one's wedding day.

The book concludes with a section on how to maintain that gorgeous gold digger look with an informative discussion of the efficacy of Botox and Collagen injections, the desirabliity of maintaining an attractive, but still healthy tan (a la  Mr. George Hamilton's tawny tan), and, when it's time to finally go under the plastic surgeon's knife.

I just have an intuitive feeling that a self-help book like this might prove to be of enormous benefit to an aspiring gold digger such as Lady Kitty of Hampshire (formerly, no doubt, Ms. Kitty Kowalski of Pottstown, PA).  Hey, it couldn't hurt!

Can you think of any other books that may pique the interest of this former expatriate American "cultivator" of the English aristocracy?

Bob the Bartender, aspiring social climber and parvenu wannabe.

BTB - Love your choices for Kitty's night table books, they sound just right for this self-centered character!

And - Catherine Zebra-Johns - LOL!! I'm still trying to recover from that one.  A friend of mine refers to her as Catherine DIVA-Jones, which I like almost as well. 

Maybe Lady Hampshire would like to read "Reincarnation, Fact or Fiction?" by eminent psychotherapist Dr. Julia Hoffman.  This book would have been carelessly left at Collinwood by Dr. Hoffman during her trip to 1840, which hasn't actually happened yet.  Confused much? 

How in the world did you get Pottstown PA?  My parents live about 10 minutes from there, I used to live there and my oldest daughter was born there.

Dear Cassandra Blair and TERRY308,

Yes, Dr. Hoffman's "Reincarnation, Fact or Fiction?" would be a perfect, if not prescient, book for Lady Kitty Hampshire (nee Kowalski).  That particular book could have spared the object of Edward Collins' affection, a heck of a lot of grief, I'm sure you'll agree.

And, Catherine Diva-Jones, I love it!  You know, I get a "big" kick out of seeing one of the Best Supporting Actress nominees from "Chicago," shamelessly shilling those cell phones on TV.   That's a case of making as much as you can possibly make, while you're still hot, I guess.

And, TERRY308, since Lady Kitty, in a moment of inner dialogue, reflected on her mother living in Philadelphia, I got to thinking about cool sounding names of towns in Pennsylvania.  I remembered that former New York Giant football tight end Bob Tucker once played for the Pottstown Panthers (?). So I thought of that city in another example of six degrees of separation.  (In retrospect, I might have also considered the fair city of Slippery Rock, PA, as an appropriate sounding hometown for Lady Kitty!)

Bob the Bartender, who's rooting for Queen Latifah to win the Best Supporting Actress award at this month's Academy Awards show.

Hey gang,

The book concludes with a section on how to maintain that gorgeous gold digger look with an informative discussion of the efficacy of Botox and Collagen injections, the desirabliity of maintaining an attractive, but still healthy tan (a la  Mr. George Hamilton's tawny tan), and, when it's time to finally go under the plastic surgeon's knife.

Bob the Bartender, aspiring social climber and parvenu wannabe.

I literally laughed my.....off reading your post!

Briefly saw George Hamilton on a TV reality show.  I can't explain it but for some reason I always liked him.  To be sure he must be aging but it doesn't show very much.

He was in a vampire flick (comedy) many years ago that might be dated by todays standards but he was really very entertaining.

Dear Miss Winthrop,

Oh yeah, I agree that George Hamilton is a very, funny almost self-deprecating kind of guy.  He was terrific as that somewhat preening, narcissistic vampire (sort, of like Nicholas Blair as a creature of the night).

I don't mean to get heavy about the impending US military action in Iraq, but I remember that Mr. Hamilton once requested that he get a deferment from military service during the Vietnam War on some grounds.  Anyway, I recall that Mad Magazine printed a gag letter from the local draft board to Mr. Hamilton in response to his request, essentially stating:

Dear Mr. Hamilton:

We have reviewed your request for a deferment from the draft due to your prior "service" in the Army.  Regretably, we must turn you down.  Your appearance as an infantry soldier in the 1963 movie, "The Longest Day," does NOT qualify as prior military "service."

Sincerely,

Your local draft board

You know, I don't know if Mad Magazine ever parodied Dark Shadows, but I'm sure that it would have been funny as all heck if they ever did!

Bob the Bartender, fortunate recipient of a relatively high draft number.

Bob, you're too much!

You know, I don't know if Mad Magazine ever parodied Dark Shadows, but I'm sure that it would have been funny as all heck if they ever did!

No, but Spoof magazine premiered with one near the end of DS' run.  In case you've never seen it, this is how it starts...

BTB - Loved the aside about George Hamilton!

Midnite - Where can I find the rest of 'Darn Shadows?'  Would love to see it!


Cass B

Midnite - Where can I find the rest of 'Darn Shadows?'  Would love to see it!

My sincere apologies, Cassandra Blair!  I did mean to answer this sooner.

The issue frequently shows up on ebay, and the 6-page strip will eventually be available when the member archives are back online (which get listed as additional boards on the home page).  The parody is a hoot, though I'm sorry to say it's yet another disappointment for Julia fans.