A Comment On The Collinsport Star

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

From time to time, we've caught glimpses of the front page of the Collinsport Star.  I believe when Maggie Evans disappeared, the headline of the newspaper read: "LOCAL GIRL STILL MISSING."  You have to wonder how extensively (and persistently) the reporters of the Collinsport Star covered/investigated  all of the truly amazing "occurrences" in that tiny New England fishing village.

To briefly recap, Adam is wanted for the assaults on Joe Haskell, Jeff Clark and Sam Evans (which resulted in the death of Collinsport's finest artist).  A striking woman's (Eve) body was found strangled to death in the now-departed Jeff Clark's apartment.  Of course, local handyman Tom Jennings died after apparently being "afflicted" with the same disease that Maggie had "contracted" several years before.

The recent brutal murders of Collinsport Inn night manager Mr. Wells and of the unnamed Blue Whale Tavern barmaid have caused Sheriff Paterson to lose whatever remaining hair that he still had on the top of his head.  The sudden, unexpected deaths of millionaire Burke Devlin and the beloved town doctor, Dave Woodard, have only added to the air of mystery and dread swirling about the town.

Are there no aspiring Woodwards and Bernsteins on the staff of the Collinsort Star who will indefatigably investigate and track down the facts surrounding all of these perplexing stories?  You'd think that a reporter named Woodward would want to look into the untimely death of Dr. Dave Woodard?  (Okay, I realize that the last names aren't exactly the same, but, they're close enough!)

The Collinsport Star really needs a hardened, nose-for-news veteran reporter like the great Carl Kolchak to  relentlessly pursue all of these incredible news stories.  Kolchak would leave no stone unturned as he tracked down leads.  If Roger Collins thought that Tony Petersen, Esq. was a pain-in-the-tuches representing aggrieved Collins Cannery employees, Roger would have experienced the ultimate pain-in-the-caboose after having to contend with the seemingly tireless Mr. Kolchak in pursuit of a story.  (Kolchak would seem like a permanent fixture at the front door of Collinwood, not to mention the entrance to the Collins Cannery.)  You can bet that Kolchak would have found a way to investigate Nicholas Blair and sneak into that spooky pad of his, the House by the Sea.

I suppose that the editor of the Collinsport Star is content to have his/her reporters cover light-hearted, local interest stories.  The headline of a "really big" news story would probably read: "THE BIG SECRET BEHIND SARAH JOHNSON'S PRIZE WINNING RECIPE IN THE HANCOCK COUNTY FAIR BLUEBERRY PIE CONTEST!"  Of course, if the editor wanted to adopt a more sensational, salacious style of journalism (ala The New York Post), the headline might proclaim: "ROGER & CASSANDRA COLLINS: IT'S SPLITSVILLE!"

Donald Fagen and Walter Becker of Steely Dan fame, may have expressed it best in their song, "Barrytown", in how we should regard newspaper coverage of the days events:

"Don't believe I'm taken in by stories I have heard,
I just read the Daily News and swear by every word."

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, whose day just isn't complete without reading the news/gossip from those two great ladies of the fourth estate, Liz Smith and Cindy Adams.  "Only in New York, kids, only in New York!"

Hi,Bob you do have to wonder about everything
you read in the Collinsport Star.  and they never do
take them to the " cleaners" as the saying goes.
( Anne who has been really excited about her
Q-man coming on !!!!!  YUMMY!!!!!)
                  Love Anne

Bob
want to add Does anyone else live in that town??

jennifer
big fan of Kolchak too!i could see him interviewing Jason Maguire!(another who just disappeared!)

Should have an ASK ABBY column...

What amazes me is how BIG that newspaper is.  Just look at the front page - it's got more stories jammed on it than the New York Times.  I mean, how many people live in Collinsport?  I'm figuring just made two- to five-thousand, tops.  So what's to report regarding local events, besides the old groundskeeper committing murder and abduction, some serial killer strangling young women, draining their blood and dumping their bodies, a disfigured ogre running lose creating havoc and mayhem, and now some hairy thing in clothing knocking off innkeepers and barmaids?  Officer elections for the Garden Club?  Farmer McFarland growing a ten-pound rutabaga?  The finalists for the local Pins'n'Balls bowling league?  Oh, I imagine it contains news about state and national events, but even with that, throwing in the "funnies", Ann Landers, the Bridge Column, the classifieds, obits (that probably did get quite some press), the crossword puzzle, the weather and then ads for Wallie's Auto Repair and the Special of the Week at the Collinsport Diner, but that still wouldn't be enough for anything more than what today would be a weekly shopper.  This is Collinsport - we ain't talkin' Chicago here.

Gerard

The recent brutal murders of Collinsport Inn night manager Mr. Wells and of the unnamed Blue Whale Tavern barmaid have caused Sheriff Paterson to lose whatever remaining hair that he still had on the top of his head.

True, but he also isn't as portly and has grown several inches...

You know, Adam might have saved himself a lot of grief if he had placed a personal advertisement in the so-called singles section of the Collinsport Star.  Let's see, how might it read?:  

"Single white, sensitive monster seeks same.  Enjoys  fine dining, dancing the funky chicken at the Kit Kat Lounge in Rockport and discussing existentialism.  

Lady/monster must be N/S, N/D and, DEFINITELY, does NOT enjoy taking long, solitary walks along the beach.  (Please, reincarnated femme fatales from the 18th century, need not respond!)"