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Current Talk '24 I / It’s Too Bad Uber Did Not Exist in Collinsport, Circa 1966
« on: September 24, 2021, 09:25:20 PM »
Hey gang,
After taking a ride with an Uber driver recently, I thought how great it would have been for the residents of Collinsport and more specifically, the occupants of Collinwood, to have been able to avail themselves of this terrific car service. Just imagine how much time, inconvenience and, I dare say, lives could have been saved or prevented if they had had Uber in that quaint New England fishing village?
When Vicky Winters first arrives in Collinsport via train, the chivalrous Burke Devlin graciously provides Vicky with a chauffeured limousine ride to the Collinsport Inn. Yet, when the new Collins governess reaches the inn, she is informed by Mr. Wells, the amiable hotel desk clerk, informs her the town’s only taxi cab has a flat tire and will not be available for some time. So, Vicky has to park her comely carcass on a stool at the Collinsport Inn Coffee Shop and proceeds to be called a “jerk” by a curiously blonde-coiffed waitress, Maggie Evans. If Uber had been available, Ms. Winters could have just driven straight out to Collinwood and avoided not having been called a “J-E-R-K” by the pretty and acerbic-tongued Collinsport Inn employee.
And, what of that tragic incident that occurred years before in Collinsport, where an inebriated Burke Devlin allegedly ran down a local Collinsport resident after a night of unrestrained drinking with his “good friend,” Roger Collins and Roger’s winsome fiancée, Laura Murdoch (or is that Stockbridge)? A pre-arranged ride with a responsible and sober Uber driver would have avoided that senseless tragedy. It would have also saved the melancholy Sam Evans from perjuring himself in an attempt to assist the scheming Roger Collins from avoiding responsibility for actually have driven the car that fateful night.
Needless to say, Roger could have avoided a near fatal crash if only he had called for a Uber drive into Collinsport to meet with Burke Devlin at the Blue Whale. But, no, “Roger-the-Dodger” just had to drive his flashy Mustang down that treacherous road, not knowing that his precocious son had sabotaged the infamous bleeder valve on his car’s breaks. Next time, Roger, let Uber do the driving, will you?
I guess reckless driving just seemingly runs in the Collins family, because shortly after Roger Collins’ near fatal crack-up, Collins heiress Carolyn Stoddard also has a fender bender accident, resulting in her reclusive mother, Elizabeth, having to leave Collinwood for the first time in 18 years in order to bail out her wanton and rebellious daughter. (I’m surprised Elizabeth didn’t take away the spoiled Carolyn’s car right then and there.)
And, how about the fiery and tragic auto death of psychic investigator, Dr. Peter Guthrie, killed on his way while driving to the Old House to conduct a seance to discover Laura Collins’s dark secret? What if the good Dr. Guthrie had ordered a Uber ride, perhaps driven by a driver for whom English was a second language? When the evil Phoenix, Laura Collins, recited her incantation in English causing the car to crash, the English-challenged Uber driver, probably wouldn’t have a clue what she was saying, thereby ironically avoiding that awful auto conflagration.
And wouldn’t Dark Shadows history itself have been dramatically altered if, when Vicky and Barnabas were to take a quick drive to the Eagle Hill Cemetery, Vicky had instead called Uber for a chauffeured ride to visit the Collins Family Mausoleum? Heck, that Uber driver would not have clinched and wrecked the car, merely by spotting Peter Bradford (or Jeff Clark) on the road to the cemetery. Just think, no over-turned car, then no Dr. Lang (God forbid!), no life force-exchange experiment, no Adam, no Eve., etc., etc.
I could go on about how unfortunate that Uber did not exist back then in Collinsport: a Uber-driven car would have enabled Dr. Julia Hoffman to devote her full attention to the possessed Roger Collins and prevent him from jumping out of the car after he had literally tried to harpoon the redoubtable Dr. Eric Lang in his office. If Barnabas had hired a Uber car, then Barnabas “Parnelli Jones” Collins would not have “accidentally” hit Grant Douglas, a/k/a Quentin Collins, in front of the Todd’s’ antique store, much to Carolyn Stoddard’s great horror.
Alas, how the Dark Shadows legend could have been dramatically changed had only Uber been there to take the wheel.
After taking a ride with an Uber driver recently, I thought how great it would have been for the residents of Collinsport and more specifically, the occupants of Collinwood, to have been able to avail themselves of this terrific car service. Just imagine how much time, inconvenience and, I dare say, lives could have been saved or prevented if they had had Uber in that quaint New England fishing village?
When Vicky Winters first arrives in Collinsport via train, the chivalrous Burke Devlin graciously provides Vicky with a chauffeured limousine ride to the Collinsport Inn. Yet, when the new Collins governess reaches the inn, she is informed by Mr. Wells, the amiable hotel desk clerk, informs her the town’s only taxi cab has a flat tire and will not be available for some time. So, Vicky has to park her comely carcass on a stool at the Collinsport Inn Coffee Shop and proceeds to be called a “jerk” by a curiously blonde-coiffed waitress, Maggie Evans. If Uber had been available, Ms. Winters could have just driven straight out to Collinwood and avoided not having been called a “J-E-R-K” by the pretty and acerbic-tongued Collinsport Inn employee.
And, what of that tragic incident that occurred years before in Collinsport, where an inebriated Burke Devlin allegedly ran down a local Collinsport resident after a night of unrestrained drinking with his “good friend,” Roger Collins and Roger’s winsome fiancée, Laura Murdoch (or is that Stockbridge)? A pre-arranged ride with a responsible and sober Uber driver would have avoided that senseless tragedy. It would have also saved the melancholy Sam Evans from perjuring himself in an attempt to assist the scheming Roger Collins from avoiding responsibility for actually have driven the car that fateful night.
Needless to say, Roger could have avoided a near fatal crash if only he had called for a Uber drive into Collinsport to meet with Burke Devlin at the Blue Whale. But, no, “Roger-the-Dodger” just had to drive his flashy Mustang down that treacherous road, not knowing that his precocious son had sabotaged the infamous bleeder valve on his car’s breaks. Next time, Roger, let Uber do the driving, will you?
I guess reckless driving just seemingly runs in the Collins family, because shortly after Roger Collins’ near fatal crack-up, Collins heiress Carolyn Stoddard also has a fender bender accident, resulting in her reclusive mother, Elizabeth, having to leave Collinwood for the first time in 18 years in order to bail out her wanton and rebellious daughter. (I’m surprised Elizabeth didn’t take away the spoiled Carolyn’s car right then and there.)
And, how about the fiery and tragic auto death of psychic investigator, Dr. Peter Guthrie, killed on his way while driving to the Old House to conduct a seance to discover Laura Collins’s dark secret? What if the good Dr. Guthrie had ordered a Uber ride, perhaps driven by a driver for whom English was a second language? When the evil Phoenix, Laura Collins, recited her incantation in English causing the car to crash, the English-challenged Uber driver, probably wouldn’t have a clue what she was saying, thereby ironically avoiding that awful auto conflagration.
And wouldn’t Dark Shadows history itself have been dramatically altered if, when Vicky and Barnabas were to take a quick drive to the Eagle Hill Cemetery, Vicky had instead called Uber for a chauffeured ride to visit the Collins Family Mausoleum? Heck, that Uber driver would not have clinched and wrecked the car, merely by spotting Peter Bradford (or Jeff Clark) on the road to the cemetery. Just think, no over-turned car, then no Dr. Lang (God forbid!), no life force-exchange experiment, no Adam, no Eve., etc., etc.
I could go on about how unfortunate that Uber did not exist back then in Collinsport: a Uber-driven car would have enabled Dr. Julia Hoffman to devote her full attention to the possessed Roger Collins and prevent him from jumping out of the car after he had literally tried to harpoon the redoubtable Dr. Eric Lang in his office. If Barnabas had hired a Uber car, then Barnabas “Parnelli Jones” Collins would not have “accidentally” hit Grant Douglas, a/k/a Quentin Collins, in front of the Todd’s’ antique store, much to Carolyn Stoddard’s great horror.
Alas, how the Dark Shadows legend could have been dramatically changed had only Uber been there to take the wheel.