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Topics - Bob_the_Bartender

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196
Current Talk '02 I / Off With His Head Or Don't Do Drugs!
« on: May 14, 2002, 03:30:29 AM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Let's get this straight, Barnabas (with the "help" of the esteemed Dr. Lang) will remove Jeff Clark's head and place it on the new body for Barnabas.  So, Barnabas/Jeff Clark shows up at Collinwood (now weighing in at about 240 lbs., and standing-up straight at about six-foot-five), and Miss Vicky is NOT supposed to notice anything different about this guy?  I know that Vicky is usually naive and ingenuous, but this really strains credulity!!!

When the Dark Shadows writers conceived this particular plotline, were they tripping out on tabs of sunshine?  (Tabs of Sunshine - a term for LSD for all of you Dark Shadows fans who were not yet a gleam in your father's eyes back during the swinging Sixties.)

During the course of two episodes, Dr. Lang anesthesized Jeff a total of three, count 'em, THREE times!  Poor Jeff must have had the grandfather of all hangovers as he was "coming down" the next day!

As an unabashed fan of Lang & Clark, I just loved their dialogue today:

Dr. Lang: "Jeff, give me that knife (scalpel)."  

Jeff C.: "Yeah, I'll give you the knife, doctor, right between your ribs!"

Dr. Lang: "Jeff, let me give you a treatment for your problem."

Jeff C.: "Yeah, doctor, THE treatment!"

Another example of Lang & Clark's classic comedic schtick for everyone to enjoy!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender

PS Jeff C.: "Dr. Hoffman, you've got to believe me that Dr. Lang wants to cut off my head."

Dr, H.: (In a moment of inner dialogue) "Jeff, you're #@*%ing crazy!!!"

197
Current Talk '02 I / Tony Petersen's "Dutch Uncle"
« on: May 12, 2002, 05:33:48 AM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

When Barnabas offered to explain to Tony, in what I took to be in an avuncular and somewhat condescending manner, the exact nature of his relationship with Carolyn, I was expecting a different response from Tony.

I actually expected to hear the cynical, worldy-wise, (probably New England School of Law educated attorney) Tony Petersen,  to say to Mr. B., "That's the biggest crock of pure, unadulterated bovine excrement that I've heard in my entire life!"

Of course, the refined gentleman of the eighteenth century would have no droll riposte to this "candid" contemporary comment.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender,  who thinks the distinguished Dr. Eric Lang looks like Sen. Fritz Hollings of the great state of South Carolina.

198
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I loved it when Vickie, standing in the Collins mausoleum, accused Julia of knowing all about the secret room there.  Of course, Dr. H. vehemently (and convincingly) denied any knowledge of the room.

You have to hand it to Julia.  She maintains a great poker face even when confronted with the truth.  They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul.  Yet, Julia, whose veins must be coursing with anti-freeze, remains as cool as cucumber, never betraying her emotions.

If I might paraphrase a famous, former politician who once made a comment about another famous, former politician, "That Julia Hoffman, she's an especially good liar."  John Lovitz's "Liar Man" would, no doubt, be  impressed  by the good doctor's ability to equivocate.

Bob the Bartender, who believes that Julia never heard George Washington's famous words, "I cannot tell a lie."

199
Current Talk '02 I / Dark Shadows' Dynamic Duo of Comedy
« on: May 03, 2002, 05:28:02 PM »
During the last century, legendary comedy teams have entertained and delighted countless American audiences; great comedy teams such as Laurel & Hardy, Hope & Crosby, Abbott & Costello, and Nichols & May, to name but a few.

Now, a bright, new duo joins this pantheon of comedy greats.  Of course, I'm referring to Collinsport, Maine's two native sons, those new Kings of Comedy, Lang and Clark!

Yes, Eric Lang, master of the malaprop, the non sequitur, and possessor of that winsomely crooked smile, a great straight man in the tradition of Bud Abbott.    And the younger half of this sensational, new comedy team, the irrepressible Jeff Clark, whose skillful use of the pratfall and the phony limb, and whose unparalled utilization of humorous histrionics, makes him a comedic force to be reckoned with.

Be forewarned, dear viewer, for you will soon be exposed to almost unrelenting, sidesplitting humor.  Understandbly, all of Collinsport is justifiably proud of its two local boys who have made good.  Think of them as Collinsport's answer to Cheech and Chong.  Let the laughter begin!!!

200
Current Talk '02 I / A Familiar Face
« on: May 01, 2002, 06:02:35 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

That nurse in Vicki's hospital room today looked very familiar.  You know when you have someone's name on the tip of your tongue and you just can't quite remember the darned name?  

Let's see, I'll try and think of all the angels of mercy that I can think of.  Florence Nightingale, Margaret Houlihan, Dianne Carroll, Julie London, no, it's none of those famous nurses.  Wait a second.  I think that I have it...  Oh, my God!  Vickie's "angel of mercy" is Nurse Ratched from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"!!!

Bob the Bartender, who reminds you that an apple a day keeps Nurse Ratched away.

201
Current Talk '02 I / "Those Cousinly Kissin' Collinses"
« on: April 30, 2002, 05:13:48 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Oedipus don't have nothin' on those Collinses.  The look on Tony Peterson's face when he saw "cousin" Barnabas (a/k/a the "old man") giving the young and lovely Carolyn a hickey, was, in a word,  priceless.  "I always knew that the idle rich were decadent," Tony proclaimed to scorn the nubile Collins heiress.  

You know, that scene with "old man" Barnabas and the voluptuous Carolyn somehow gives new meaning to the Christmas song, "I Saw Mommie Kissing Santa Claus."  Ya gotta love it.  Once again, kudos to Sam Hall for another great episode!

On another note, I thought that Roger's eloquent recitation in front of Angelique's portrait today was superb.   Kudos to writer Gordon Russell.  

Of course, I have to acknowledge the first apearance of the greatest parapsychologist this side of Dr. Van Helsing, the redoubtable Prof. T. Elliot Stokes.  By the way, did you catch the absolutely anguished look on Barnabas' face when the professor mentioned his ancestor Ben Stokes' diary?  I thought Mr. B. was about to lose all bladder control at that moment!
Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!!!

Finally, another fashion note.  Did you notice that there were three buttons on Roger's sportcoat and Prof. Stokes' suit jacket?  That three-button look on men's sports and suit jackets re-emerged during last year.  It just shows you: what's old is new and what's new is old.  Kind of like Dark Shadows.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, aspiring men's fashion consultant and clinical assistant to Dr. Drew Pinsky.  

202
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I was glad to see that there were no wardrobe continuity bloopers/blunders on today's first episode.  Everyone appeared to wearing the same outfits they had on when Vicki first "departed" on her sojurn into the past several months ago.

Liz still had on her yellow dress.  Roger was still sporting his grey checked sportscoat.  Carolyn was wearing that same blue Nancy Drew dress.  Ms. (now Dr.) Hoffman still had on the same drab brown dress.  And, Mr. B., as always, was sartorially spendid in his navy blue three-piece Brooks Brothers suit.

I think that today's first episode was one of the most compelling episodes of Dark Shadows.  Nancy Barrett's straightforward, yet, profound introductory comments set the right tone for this memorable episode.  Kudos to writer Sam Hall for his superb dialogue and to all of the actors for their wonderful performances.

That being said, I was puzzled by Julia's explanation to Mrs. Stoddard for her coming to Collinwood under false pretenses:  "I came to Collinwood because my medical duties and responsibilities at Windcliff had become too much for me.  I thought that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown," or words to that effect.

Oh yeah, and trying to help a nearly two-hundred-year-old vampire to find a cure for his "disease," (not to mention aiding that same vampire in the plot to murder your lifelong friend and colleague) is NOT enough to drive you over the edge?  Mama mia!  Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that Miss Vicki is not the only one who can traverse time!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who lives by the ancient Taiwanese maxim, "Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see."

203
Current Talk '02 I / Shadowed Sightings
« on: April 25, 2002, 05:00:03 AM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Here's an episode of the paranormal show, "Sightings," that I'd like to see:

"On this edition of 'Sightings':

Does a 237-year-old vampire still exist in the tiny coastal town of Collinsport, ME?  Join host Tim White and executive producer Henry "The Fonz" Winkler as they motorcycle into this quaint New England town to investigate claims of vampirism, witchcraft and time travel.

Mr. Winkler, in his Arthur Fonzarelli attire, will interview local resident (and yenta) Buzz Hackett about the eerie goings on in this quiet Maine town.  Mr. Hackett, a longtime friend of the prominent Collins family of Collinsport, will elucidate on the legend of the so-called 'Collins Curse,' and, answer the question, is the curse still in effect today?

Host Tim White will discuss the rumors of Satanic rites and, a still active coven of witches with noted local historian and academic, Prof. T. Elliot Stokes.

As an extra feature, famed ghost-hunter Peter James will attempt to communicate with the spirit of the good witch, Bathia Mapes, rumored to have suffered a fiery death at the hands of the most evil witch of the Colonial period.

Finally, 'Sightings' correspondent Carla Wohl will attempt to detemine if, in fact, local doctor Julia Hoffman is, as rumored, one the masked surgeons seen performing the medical examination on the so-called Roswell- Alien Autopsy Film.

Don't miss this riveting edition of 'Sightings'!"

And remember, no mystery is closed to an open mind.  Isn't that something like, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste"?  (I think that either Dirk Wilkins or Jeremy Grimes once said that.)


204
Current Talk '02 I / The Divine Ms. M.
« on: April 22, 2002, 05:44:52 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

As far as I'm concerned, the selection of Miss America came five months early.  The great Bathia Mapes, as portrayed by the wonderful Anita Bolster, has become a Dark Shadows icon.

Ms. Bolster was an accomplished film actress before her all-too-brief appearance on Dark Shadows.  Who could ever forget her role as the elegant lady at the dinner party in the occult classic, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"?

Of course, Ms. Bolster was one of the great Alfred Hitchcock's favorite character actresses.  I just loved her role as the bearded circus lady in the renowned British director's film, "Saboteur."

A note on the character of Bathia Mapes.  The good witch's "departure" from the Old House may have been the first known case of spontaneous human combustion.  Perhaps, Tim White, the eloquent host of "Sighting," might want to host an upcoming segment on Ms. Mapes' "unique" exit from Dark Shadows.

By the way, do you think that the ultra-suave Mr. White really believes all of those tales of poltergeists, psychics, and alien abductions?

Bob the Bartender, who reminds you that no mind is closed to an open mystery.  


205
Current Talk '02 I / Thar She Goes!
« on: April 16, 2002, 03:38:10 AM »
It's toot-a-loo time for Maude Browning, Collinsport's number two trollop to buy the ranch (or, perhaps more accurately, to sleep with the fishes).

You know, when Nathan looked down upon Maude's corpse in the Rev. Trask's bed, I was half expecting a moment of inner dialogue, in which Nathan said to himself, "Gee, I always knew that this guy Trask was a little strange, but I never thought that he was into necrophilia."  

To which an indignant Trask, sensing what Nathan was thinking, waved a crooked finger at him, and declared vehemently, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Browning!  I never told anyone to lie, not a single time.  Now, Nathan, I have to go back and do the witch-hunting business of the people of Collinsport, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseam."

So, as Maude Browning, a gal with a heart of gold, was wont to say, "Cheerio!"

206
Current Talk '02 I / Move Over, Arnold Schwarzenegger!
« on: April 11, 2002, 04:58:21 AM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

During the last few minutes of today's second episode, I witnessed a feat of estraordinary strength.  As Peter Bradford finished digging up Angelique's "grave," an obviously angst-ridden Ben Stokes leaned up against a mighty oak tree.  Lo and behold, the mamoth tree began to shake as if struck by a bulldozer!  I mean it was incredible to see Ben literally tear the tree up from its roots.  (I thought that the tree was about to come tumbling down on Vickie's attorney/inamorata.)

I always knew that Ben was as strong as an ox, but this feat was positively Herculean.  I think that Angelique made a major mistake when she rejected the romantic overtures of Big, Bad Ben Stokes.  Why, I'd even go so far as to say that Ben Stokes makes the Terminator look like a "girly-man" by comparison.

I can see it now: "ESPN presents Muscle Up with Benny 'The Biceps' Stokes."

Excuse me while I attempt the next Pilates maneuver.  Oh the pain, the pain!!!

Bob the Bartender  

207
Current Talk '02 I / "Christening" Collinwood
« on: April 10, 2002, 02:59:07 AM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

At the risk of sounding exceedingly sacrilegious (and, also, coming from a former altar boy), when the Collins family moved en masse into the new mansion several weeks ago, which couple, do you think, were the first ones to make "whoopee" in Collinwood?

Somehow, I can't see the first couple being Joshua and Naomi.  And, as we all know, Jeremiah and Josette were no longer an "item."  So, who do you think the lucky couple was?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who's counting the days for the arrival of the lovely Ms. M.

208
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans:

The Rev. Trask made the following statement to the nefarious Nathan Forbes today: "I'm afraid that physical love is beyond my comprehension."  Oh yeah, then I have one question to ask.  How did little baby Lamar Trask become a gleam in his daddy's eye?

Come to think of it, I wonder what Mrs. Rev. Trask looks like?  Somehow, I envision her as looking remarkably like the wife of Major Frank Burns a/k/a "Ferret Face" on M*A*S*H.   Then again, Rev. Trask's better half might be a dead ringer for that hot blonde on Lexx.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, a closet heterosexual

PS Kudos to Sam Hall for that inspired Rev. Trask line today!

209
Current Talk '02 I / A Familiar Face In The Tribunal
« on: April 05, 2002, 12:14:58 AM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Were my eyes deceiving me or was the justice sitting on the left side of the bench, none other than the world renowned Clarence Birdseye, from the Birdseye frozen vegetable TV commercials?

Incidentally, the elderly justice sitting on the right side of the bench looked very much like Kieron McGoo, part-time bartender and full-time customer at the Blue Whale in the 1960's.  (In fact, sitting on the bench today, he looked like he was in desperate need of a hot toddy at the Eagle.)

Bob the Bartender, who wishes that Budweiser still made "LA Beer," the low alcohol beer also known as "Army beer."  

210
Current Talk '02 I / Suki Forbes, We Hardly Knew Ye
« on: April 02, 2002, 06:03:42 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Although she appeared in only a few episodes, Suki Forbes made an indelible impression on us all.  I admired the way that, even in her last moments on Earth, Suki had the presence of mind to hold on to her wig as Barnabas let her slip down to the floor.

At least, Suki had more air time to demostrate her feminine wiles than that other Dark Shadows vixen, Pansy Faye(but much more about the vocally "talented" Ms. Faye next year).  Thankfully, we have not quite seen the last of Mrs. Forbes, for:


S
P
O
I
L
E
R



the ghost of Suki will reappear as a witness for the prosecution in the case against Barnabas Collins, with the ghost of the dishonorable Rev. Ian Trask presiding.  

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