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Topics - Bob_the_Bartender

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181
Current Talk '02 II / This Is The Way We Wash Our Whites At Collinwood!
« on: July 03, 2002, 05:29:13 AM »
This Is The Way We Wash Our Whites (At Collinwood), So Early In The Morning!


Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

You know, there have been times that I've taken a clean load of whites from the washing machine, and thrown them into the dryer, only to forget all about them and ticked off the next person who wants to use the dryer.  (I'll bet you've done it yourself out there.  Come on and admit it!)

Well, as we've all seen, Carolyn has been sneaking food up to Adam in the West Wing.  I got to thinking about how Carolyn also has the sole responsibility of providing Adam with clean pillow cases, bed sheets, clothes and underwear, etc.  (Just who else is going to do it?)

I can see Carolyn sneaking down to the Collinwood laundry room in the basement of the great house.  However, what with Carolyn having so much on her mind: her Mom is in the hospital, her uncle is down in the dumps over his second failed marriage in a row, and, let's face it, the nubile Collins heiress has lately been experiencing a largely lousy love life of her own, that it's not inconceivable that Carolyn absentmindedly left Adam's Jockey underwear in the dryer.

Okay, the seemingly perpetually querulous Mrs. Sarah Johnson goes down to the laundry room to put some wash in the dryer.  To Mrs. J.'s surprise, she spies some undies in the dryer.  Mrs. Johnson grabs a rather large pair of men's shorts with both hands, holds them up to the light for a better look, and exclaims incredulously, "Jesus Christ, whose freaking drawers are these!?!"

Mrs. Johnson tries to determine just who is the owner of these "king-sized" undies.  They're too big for Roger or young Davey.  And they're too big for her no-good-account son, Harry, she reasons.  (Mrs. Johnson eliminates Barnabas and Willie for the same reason.)  And, then, like an epiphany, it hits her!  "Vicky must be washing all of these shorts and t-shirts for that stout gentleman, Prof. Stokes, who she's recently become friendly with!"  And, so, an "uncomplaining" Sarah Johnson dutifully folds each and every piece of underwear, and leaves them neatly stacked on the nearby laundry table for Miss Vicky to pick up whenever she finds it convenient to do so.

It's like Dark Shadows' version of either "The Donna Reed Show, " or "My Little Margie."  

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, an avid admirer of that "Domestic Goddess," Roseanne Barr (or whatever her current last name is!).

182
Current Talk '02 II / Some Sundry And Sordid Observations
« on: July 01, 2002, 06:41:24 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Nicholas Blair  has been a guest at Collinwood for a couple of weeks now.  He impresses me as being a very vain individual, but also as a man with very fastidious and exacting standards of personal hygiene.

That being said, after hanging around Collinwood, day after day, in that same gray three-piece suit and matching gray shirt, don't you think that the ultra-suave Nicolas is becoming the least bit "ripe" in that outfit?

Maybe Roger will be "considerate" enough to lend his "brother-in-law" some of his old suits.  I realize that in certain European countries, it's considered perfectly normal and acceptable to "smell like a manly man," but I'm afraid we provincial Americans don't share that "earthy" appreciation of bodily "scents" that our European cousins seem to favor.  (Someone once warned me: Never, ever, get into an elevator with a bunch of husky Russian men, attired in ill-fitting suits!)

By the way, do you think that gray is the official satanic color, the way that "666" is the official devil's number?  (Evidently, Satan's emissaries are on a strict, cost-conscious clothing budget.)

When Roger Collins makes mad, passionate love to his voluptuous wife, Cassandra, do you think that that wicked witch starts to boorishly emit that high-pitched cackle/laugh of hers?  How cruel!

Prof. T. Elliot Stokes:  Does he or doesn't he?

The good professor has gray streaks running across both sideburns and on the top of his head.  The rest of his thick head of hair appears to be a combination of brown and dull gold.   Evidently, the professor's hair color is as varied as, say, actor Barry Bostwick, basketball player Dennis Rodman, and the former 42nd President of the United States and backup Blues Brothers saxophone player to Dan Ackroyd and the immensely talented Jim Belushi, William Jefferson Clinton.

So I ask the question again:  T. Elliot Stokes, Does he or doesn't he, apparently, only his hairdresser really knows for sure.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who hopes his own hair stays just as jet black as Mike Wallace's hair when Bob reaches the esteemed journalist's age.


183
Current Talk '02 I / Jean Shepherd Was Right
« on: June 15, 2002, 04:47:30 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

The late, great American humorist, Jean Shepherd, once observed that the color brown is particularly drab and depressing.  After observing Barnabas' dull brown double-breasted suit the other day, I'm inclined to agree with the wonderful author of "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash."

You know, next to Roger in his nifty sports coat and his classic ascot scarf, and Nicholas Blair, jauntily attired from head to toe in cool gray, Barnabas looked like the proverbial pair of "old brown shoes" by comparison.  By the way, unless you're in the service, black shoes do not go with a brown suit, Barnabas.)

Barnabas should leave the tawny, Earth color look to Willie Loomis.  Even Joe Haskell and Adam (in his new suit) looked sharper than Barnabas.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who agrees with the sentiment, "Flick lives!" (You have to be a "Shep" fan to know what that means.)

184
Current Talk '02 I / Did Mr. B. Have The Nerve To Show Up At Sam Evans' Funeral?
« on: June 14, 2002, 11:01:00 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

When I first saw Sam Evans' death of Dark Shadows many years ago, I was greatly saddened by his passing.  Sam and Maggie always seemed to be such fine and decent people.  Sam's untimely death unfortunately lends credence to the old adage" "Bad things happen to good people."

At Sam's funeral, I can envision Maggie's best friend, Vicky Winters, accompanying her into the church for the service.  Of course, Carolyn and young David (and, perhaps, Mrs, Johnson), representing the Collins family, would also attend.  (Mrs. Stoddard was too upset and fixated with death, thanks to you-know-who, to attend.  And, certainly, there was no love-lost between Roger and Sam for Roger to attend.)  Clearly, Dr. Hoffman, Prof. Stokes and Willie Loomis would also be in attendance.

Sam and Maggie originally came from Connecticut, and, I believe, that they also had relatives up in Canada.  So, perhaps there were other members of the Evans family at the funeral service.

Joe Haskell, along with Sam's good friends, Bob Rooney, Sheriff George Patterson and Mr. Wells from the Collinsport Inn, would be among the pallbearers at the funeral.

And, now to Mr. Barnabas Collins.  This is a man who put Maggie through pure, unadulterated hell several months before.  Of course, you may say that Barnabas was suffering under the curse of vampirism, and that he could not help himself from mistreating Maggie during that time.  However, Mr. B. was free from Angelique's curse when he decided to unwittingly enlist Sam Evans in his plan to eliminate Cassandra.  (We all saw how disastrously that turned out for Sam. didn't we?)

And, while I can't directly blame Barnabas for Adam's savage (and ultimately) fatal attack on Sam, I can't stop thinking that if Barnabas had not consented to Dr. Lang's wacky experiment, Sam might still be alive today.

I believe that Barnabas has demonstrated through his own actions that he treats Sam and Maggie as if they are "garbage."  (There's a stronger four letter word that I'd like to use, but I won't.)

For Barnabas, to go up to Maggie and say, "Please allow me to offer you my sincerest sympathies on the loss of your father," to me, is the ultimate example of hypocritical chutzpah!  I'm glad that Barnabas is now mortal, and can see his reflection in the mirror.  He can now reflect back on what he has done to both Maggie and Sam as he gazes upon his aquiline features.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender

Spoiler PS --











For further evidence of Barnabas' shabby and thoughtless treatment of Maggie, just wait until the boorish Barnabas arbitrarily decides to use Maggie as the life force when he repeats Dr. Lang's experiment.  The man is so shameless!  (At least, Willie Loomis, through his selfless actions,  showed some care and consideration for Maggie.)

185
Current Talk '02 I / Prof. T. Elliot Stokes Exchanges Plesantries With Mrs. Roger Col
« on: June 10, 2002, 11:57:54 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Today's episodes should have been entitled the Thayer David Episodes.  He was simply magnificent, in reasoning with the cynical, angst-ridden Tony Peterson and in needling the obviously shocked and usually in-control, comely practitioner of the black arts.

That classic "cat that swallowed the canary" smile, which Prof. Stokes flashed at Cassandra was, perhaps, the greatest one ever flashed on Dark Shadows.  

I just loved it, when the all-too courtly and sarcastic Stokes, asked after Cassandra's husband Roger Collins, as if to say, "You remember Roger, he's the poor slob you married several weeks ago."

And, speaking of "poor slobs," did you see how ticked off Joe was after he clocked ol' Willie Loomis (yet, another poor slob) outside of the Evans cottage?  Man, the usually "Mr. Nice Guy," Joe was really steamed after his "slight" romantic tiff with his fiancee Maggie.

I'll bet that Joe stormed down to the Blue Whale to commiserate with his future father-in law, Sam, and Collinsport's resident philosopher and all-knowing maven, bartender Bob Rooney, about his "romantic difficulties."

Perhaps, Bob Rooney, that man of the world, tried to assuage Joe's feelings by saying, "Women, can't live with them...and can't live without them!"  To which the convivial Mr. Evans would intone in that marvelously rich voice of his: "Yeah, I'll drink to that!"

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, just another one of those millions of proud, poor slobs from across the face of this great nation!

186
Current Talk '02 I / Hair Styling Salons In Heaven Or Hades
« on: June 10, 2002, 05:24:14 AM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

(Sorry about the first posting, Bob was enjoying a "Dr. Pepper" when he inadvertently hit the wrong button!)

I noticed on Friday when the Rev. Trask was introducing the jurors in Barnabas' trial, that Maude Browning ( a definite brunette when Barnabas "offed" her several weeks ago) was now sporting a bright blonde coiffure.  Evidently, Ms. Browning had had some beauty work done in the great beyond.

Maybe this will start a new trend on Dark Shadows.  I can just see the lovely Josette returning to Mr. B. sporting a bright orange hairdo, sort of like Mrs. Slocombe on "Are You Being Served?"

Or perhaps, when we see the return of one of my Dark Shadows heroes, the venerable Dr. Eric Lang, instead of that "silver fox" look, Dr. Lang will have his formerly grey locks dyed ruby red just like America's new, favorite dad, Ozzy Osborne!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, former hair color consultant to Caspar Weinberger and Dennis Rodman.

187
Current Talk '02 I / He's Back And Not A Moment Too Soon!
« on: June 08, 2002, 03:58:27 AM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Thank the good Lord for the return of that paragon of moral rectitude, a man clearly in control of his carnal desires, the redoubtable Rev. Ian Trask!

Why, you may ask, am I so delighted by the return of this kindly cleric?  It's because the Sci-Fi Channel has unfortunately decided to air the Rafael Palmiero Viagra commercial during its broadcast of Dark Shadows.

I must say, the reverend's devout great-daughter-in-law, Minerva Trask, would be appalled by this almost callous act of disrespect by the Sci-Fi Channel, made during the return from the great beyond of her illustrious ancestor, in his fight against the forces of devil himself.

Hopefully, with the Rev. Trask's return, he will be able to stem the tide of the American public's obsessive preoccupation with prurient matters, which our British cousins across the pond politely refer to as "country matters."

On anothe note,  I was greatly moved by Sam Evans' heartfelt attempt to help Adam with his mastery of the English language.  You know, I almost expected Adam's first complete sentence to be:

"Willie baaaaaaaad..............Viagra........gooooood!"

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, a man, who, like a famous former US president has unfortunately, from time to time, "lusted in his heart."

188
Current Talk '02 I / Angelique's Dream Curse: Hey, There's Always Room For One More!
« on: June 03, 2002, 05:40:23 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I believe, all told, that there are eleven Dark Shadows characters who experience Angelique's Dream Curse.  I got to thinking about other DS characters I would have liked to have seen "struggle" through Angie's orchestrated nightmare.  I can almost see it now...


(Blue Whale Bar Fly, this one's for you.)


Buzz Hackett sits slumped over the bar in a seemngly empty Blue Whale tavern.  Three slow knocks are heard on the front door.  Buzz rises from his barstool and stumbles over to the door, opening it slowly.

To Buzz's surprise and delight, the coolly beautiful Portia Fitzsimmons stands seductively in the doorway.  (Portia Fitzsimmons, art dealer extraodinaire, the classy kind of woman, who, ordinarily wouldn't even give a creep like Buzz Hackett the time of day on Christmas morning.)

Portia geatures with her hand for Buzz to follow her.  "Okay, baby, are we going to a party?" Buzz eagerly inquires.  A silent Portia smiles slighty and starts to walk away.

The lights begin to shimmer in psychedelic patterns and soft, tinkling music begins to play.  "Hey, baby, this music sounds like 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.'  I feel like we're in 'Beatlemania'!"

Portia stops in front of a heavy, wooden door. She opens it and motions for Buzz to enter.  Buzz flashes Portia a lascivious smile.  "It's just about 'party time,' isn't it, darling?" Buzz asks as he hurriedly enters the room.

Portia slams the door shut behind Buzz.  "Hey, momma, what are you trying to pull on me?" Buzz demands.  He tries to open the door but to no avail.  Buzz turns to view a dimly lit room with fog on the floor and three doors on the other side of the room.

At that moment, Portia's silken voice reverberates throughout the room:

"Through sight and sound and faceless terror,
 Through endless corridors by trial and error,
 Ahead a blazing light does burn,
 And one door leads to the point of return."

"That's beautiful poetry, baby.  It sounds like something Jim Morrison wrote for the Doors," Buzz declares, now nervously eyeing his somewhat eerie surroundings.

And, speaking of doors, Buzz approaches the first door on the right and cautiously opens it.  Buzz peers into the room and is puzzled to see a large, misty area inside.  Midway in the room, a man stands with his back to Buzz.  The mist clears and Buzz now sees an orchestra in front of the man.

Turning to his right, the man slowly waves his arms, and in a strange, foreign-sounding accent, says, "And a-one and a-two..."  At that moment, accordionist Myron Floren and the rest of the boys in the Lawrence Welk band start to play a peppy rendition of Wayne Newton's classic hit "Danke Schoen."

"Ooh, that's spooky!" Buzz exclaims, quickly closing the door.

Intent on exiting this frightening scenario, Buzz rushes to the second door and opens it.  Suddenly, a horrible, four-legged animal appears in the doorway, baring its teeth at Buzz as it rears up on its hind quarters.  Buzz is about to run from the door when the horrible creature suddenly fades from view.

Buzz is now surprised to see a woman and a man, each seated in front of what looks like an expensive piano inside of the room.  They both begin to play a soft melody.  The woman, a cute blonde with a perky smile, gives Buzz a sly, come-hither stare and starts to sing:

"And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed,
Singin' and jinglin' the tango,
Floatin' like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love."

"The Captain & Tennile!" Buzz shrieks in horror, slamming the door shut.  "Oh, man, I must be having a bum voyage. I gotta get out of here!"

Against his better judgment, Buzz opens the third and final door.  Through the mist, Buzz hears the unmistakable sounds of drums beating and a band marching in military precision.

The mist clears, and Buzz sees a tall, gray-haired man (evidently the drum major) leading a band in Buzz's direction.  The man glares at Buzz as he approaches the now absolutely terrified hippie-motorcyclist.  Why, it's Uncle Sam, who stops, points his baton at Buzz, and says in a Darth Vaderlike voice, "Buzz Hackett, I want you!"  The band, as if on cue, breaks into a spirited rendition of "You're In The Army Now!"

"Aaahh!" Buzz screams as everything abruptly turns to black.

Epilogue: Buzz finds himself back in the Blue Whale being shaken by the tavern's irritated proprietor, Bob Rooney.  Buzz decides that it was just a simple nightmare; it's time that he went on a road trip to Mardi Gras in New Orleans just like Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider."  Maybe the "Buzz-Man" will bump into the foxy Portia Fitzsimmons in the French Quarter.

"Great, Maine's loss is Louisiana's gain," quips Bob Rooney as he reminds Buzz not to let the door hit him in the rear end as he exits the Blue Whale.

                                     FINE

Hey, gang, can you envision any other Dark Shadows characters experiencing the Dream Curse (Liz, Roger, Harry Johnson)?  What would their dreams be like?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who will now groove to the happily harmonious sounds of "Love Will Keep Us Together."


189
Current Talk '02 I / "Words of Love"
« on: May 22, 2002, 11:34:09 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Ol' Willie Loomis was as quick as "Neon" Deion Sanders in placing those expensive earrings in Maggie"s purse today.

Maggie looked so beautiful as she admired those five thousand dollar earrings on her lovely earlobes in the mirror.  Of course, the perpetually-pragmatic Ms. Evans told Joe that she was just as happy "with a good book or a box of candy for a gift."  

Don't believe it, Joe!  I think that the late, great Mama Cass Elliot had it right with her rendition of the late John Phillips classic song: Words of Love

"Words of love, so soft and tender
Won't win a girls heart anymore.

If you love her then you must send her
Somewhere where she's never been before.

Worn out phrases and longing gazes
Won't get you where you want to go, no!

Words of love, soft and tender,
Won't win her. "

So, Joe, take it from me, next time you're driving over to the Evans cottage for your date with the lovely Ms. Evans, try popping an eight-track cassette of the Mamas and the Papas into your Ford Bronco stereo system and reflect upon Mama Cass' sagacious words of advice.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, author of the "Ask Bob About Love and Romance Column" in the Collinsport Star.




190
Current Talk '02 I / I Saw Mommie Kissing Tony Petersen!
« on: May 20, 2002, 09:28:44 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Well, I for one, was glad to see the return of the precocious David Collins.  Did you dig Davey's groovy Nehru suit?  (And, am I the only one who remembers when Johnny Carson and Doc Severinsen sported the same type Nehru suit on the Tonight Show?)

Did you catch the gleam in Roger's eye when he told Cassandra that they could now go on their oft-postponed one-month-long honeymoon.  The guy was positively ebullient!  (Hey, can you blame him?)

We learned an interesting tidbit of information today when Tony told Cassandra that, in addition to being Dr. Julia Hoffman's attorney, he was also the late Dr. Eric Lang's attorney.  

Remember, when Julia Hoffman, psychiatrist extraodinare, entrusted her so-called earth-shattering diary to Tony?  After reviewing Eric Lang's contracts/bills (as Lang's attorney) for all of those medical gizmos, gadgets and surgical equipment, Tony must have said to himself, "No wonder why the medical malpractice insurance rates for Collinsport are so proverbially right up through the roof!"

Finally, you had to love the conversation between the somewhat spacy Cassandra and the no-nonsense, feet-on-the-ground Mrs. Johnson.  "Do you have very vivid dreams?  Do you know why Dr. Hoffman went to Dr. Lang's house, Mrs. Johnson?"  "No, it's none of my 'bleeping' business!" Mrs. Johnson probably would have liked to replied.  

You know, Mrs. Johnson, in a private moment, probably said to herself, "Prince Roger, really picked himself another winner-for-a-wife!"  The late Clarice Blackburn was simply fantastic in this wonderful Dark Shadows episode.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, former Marraige-Encounter Counselor.

191
Current Talk '02 I / Mr. Willie Loomis Mets Mrs. Cassandra Collins
« on: May 17, 2002, 07:06:41 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

You know, when I first saw yesterday's episodes air many years ago as a young and callow fellow (if I might borrow a phrase from The Fantasticks), I merely thought that friend Willie Loomis was just anxious to deliver Barnabas' note to Liz and to get the heck out of Collinwood.

However, in watching these same episodes as a somewhat older, hard-bitten individual, I have a new perspective on them.

When Cassandra Collins (dressed seductively in that striking floral print dress, a creation, no doubt by that world famous designer, Orville of Walmart's) met Willie at the door and invited him, saying that "she was all alone and wanted to talk to him in the drawing room," I think that old Willie must have thought that he was about to hit a "home run," and, in fact, that he could take his time as he "rounded all the bases."

Did you notice how quickly (and, almost instinctively) Willie crossed his legs as he sat across from Cassandra in the drawing room?  The poor fellow evidently wanted to maintain "control' over himself as he looked upon the desirable Mrs. Roger Collins.  (Boy, can you imagine the commotion that would have broken out if the intensely jealous Roger had shown up right at that exact moment?)

I'll tell you, that I was glad that Willie heard Mrs. Stoddard's car coming up the driveway when he did.  However, when Willie turned from the window, I almost expected the comely Mrs. Collins to say to him: "Why, Willie, I didn't know that you were THAT happy to meet me?"

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who will now say three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers, and an Act of Contrition for having been so boorish as to besmirch one perfectly innocent scene on Dark Shadows.

192
Current Talk '02 I / Three Little Words
« on: May 17, 2002, 06:28:32 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I'm sure we all waited with bated breath as Jeff was about to tell the lovely Vicky just what were those "three words that could change my life" in Dr. Lang's medical report on Jeff.  The tension was almost unbearable, and for the life of me, I expected young Mr. Clark to repeat the earth-shattering and life-altering words:

"I LOVE YOU!"

By the way, did you notice the sharp gray three-piece suit and snazzy rep tie that Jeff was sporting at 8:00 AM?  (Apparently, Jeff likes to always walk around in a suit, twenty-four hours a day just like Mr. B.)  Evidently, that vest must have been too uncomfortable for Jeff, because after he left Vicky at Collinwood, you could see that Jeff had unbuttoned that cumbersome article of clothing.

You know, for a guy who, how should I put this politely, is an itinerant drifter, Jeff's got some nifty, expensive threads.  Old Sam Evans must be wondering why Jeff can't afford the top floor of the Collinsport Inn like the apparently, late, lamented Burke Devlin?

Finally, I was somewhat puzzled when Julia said to Barnabas that he might have made a mistake in confiding to Prof. Stokes that Cassandra was the witch.  Excuse me, but didn't the good Dr. Hoffman spill her own guts out to the learned professor?  

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, executor of Dr. Lang's estate.

193
Current Talk '02 I / Dr. Eric Lang: 1915 to 1968, Requiem Aeternam
« on: May 16, 2002, 11:50:36 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Today was a particularly sad day for me.  We have seen the last appearance (at least, the last living one) of Dr. Eric Lang.  However, I am heartened by the realization that the good doctor handled his death with great style and panache and in the face of unbridled wackiness.  He maintained his dignity even when that darned tape recorder did not want to cooperate with him.

You know, in an interview on PBS, Roger Davis recalled how he and the great Addison Powell used to engage in lighthearted pranks on the Dark Shadows set.  For example,  Mr. Davis said that he and Mr. Powell sometimes placed, how should I put this politely, somewhat racy notes in strategic places.  I believe that Mr. Powell placed one of these "notes" in the flower box containing the phony arm which Jeff Clark delivered to Dr. Lang.  Regretably, we never got to see Mr. Davis' reaction as he opened the box and discovered the missive.  (It surely would have made MPI's Blooper Tape.)

As an avid fan of Lang & Clark, I can only dream about the great film comedies that would have made together, uproarious flicks  such as "Lang & Clark Meet Adam, The Manmade Monster".  Of course, the sequel would have been entitled "Lang & Clark Meet Eve, The Bride of Adam."  There would have been other classic comedies like "Lang & Clark Meet Dr. Shaw & Mr. Yeager."  But, perhaps my favorite film would have been Lang & Clark in "Hold That Doppelganger!"  

An era ends on Dark Shadows.  If the good Dr. Lang were here, I think that he'd probably say, "You won't have Eric Lang to kick around anymore."  Well said, Dr. Lang.

194
Current Talk '02 I / Collinsport, A Town In Uproar!
« on: May 15, 2002, 07:00:41 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

The seemingly all-too-abrupt release of Willie Loomis from Windcliff today bothered me somewhat.  Sure, I was delighted to see the return of Barnabas' partner-in-crime, but something just did not seem right.

Wouldn't the residents of Collinsport be rather upset about Willie's return to town?  I'm sure that Liz and Roger would be none-too-pleased about their cousin's decision to bring Willie back to the grounds of Collinwood.  And, Sam Evans, Joe Haskell, and especially, Maggie Evans would be screaming bloody murder to everyone in town!

No doubt, Sheriff Paterson would be burning rubber out to the Old House to read the riot act to Barnabas.  I'm sure the mayor of Collinsport (a man or woman, who we unfortunately never got to see) would utilize any means to prevent Willie's return to Collinsport.

I realize that Barnabas told Joe that Willie's release was perfectly legal, but I just don't buy it.  As much as I admire the estimable Dr. Hoffman, I don't believe that she could arbitrarily order Willie's release from Windcliff.  Perhaps our friend and legal expert, Ben, would care to explain the complicated legal and procedural steps needed to release an apparent sociopath (like ol' Willie) from an institution.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender. Collinsport's amicus curiae

PS I think the Julia looked smashing in her stylish black suit dress today.  (It's probalbly an Evan Picone creation.)  And, did you catch Dr. Lang, arms flailing about wildly, during his dream curse?  He looked like the great Joe Cocker performing the song "The Letter" on Saturday Night Live!


195
Current Talk '02 I / A Question Of Propriety
« on: May 15, 2002, 06:45:00 AM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I don't know, you may call me too old-fashioned, but I just don't like this idea of Jeff Clark staying as a in Maggie Evans' house.

It seems to me that Sam Evans, who should be around to chaperone these two attractive young people, is never at home.  If Sam isn't painting a beautiful sunrise from the top of Widow's Hill, he's closing the Blue Whale at 3:00 AM with his good buddy, Bob Rooney.  There's just too much potential sexual tension for Maggie and Jeff to be staying under the same roof.  And, if I were Maggie's boyfriend, Joe Haskell, I'd be mighty ticked off about some other guy staying there with my girlfriend.

I have to wonder why Vicky never thought to ask Mrs. Stoddard if her friend, Jeff, could stay in Matthew Morgan's unoccupied caretaker's cottage?  (After all, as we will see, Carolyn was able to get the cottage for her "friend," Chris Jennings.)  Of course, if Jeff stayed at the caretaker's cottage, how could Maggie ever tell him about Angelique's dream curse?  (Maybe I've answered my own question.)

Nevertheless, I'm sure that Cassandra/Angelique would have devised some plan to send Maggie to meet Jeff at the cottage.

I can just see the scene:  A romantic, moonlit night over the cottage.  Jeff answers the door to find the lovely Maggie, dressed seductively in that Lands End floral print, flannel quilt dress (which, by the way, all of you across America will be able to purchase at your local Sears Roebuck Store this fall).  Maggie blushes as she first lays her eyes on the handsome Jeff, sporting that rakish, earth tone sports coat and she tries to explain that she saw Jeff in her dream.

A puzzled, but delighted Jeff invites Maggie to tell him all about her dream. He offers her a drink as they both sit down on the sofa.  Jeff pops an 8-track tape into his stereo system and the throaty, sultry sound of Bonnie Raitt's voice begins to sing "Let's Give Them Something To Talk About."

Maggie begins to relate her dream to Jeff as if she's experiencing some sensuous reverie.  And, Jeff...  Well, you get the idea.  I don't have to paint a picture for you, do I?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who will now retire to enjoy some light reading, specifically Erica Jong's "Fear Of Flying."

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