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Topics - Bob_the_Bartender

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151
Current Talk '02 II / The All-Too-Tragic Curiosity Of Mr. Wells
« on: September 06, 2002, 02:15:50 AM »
Hey gang,

That was awful to see how good old Mr. Wells met his Maker today.  The blood gushing from his eye was, perhaps, one of the most graphic death sequences ever seen on Dark Shadows.  However, those blue and red streaks on his face reminded me of magic marker streaks on his kisser.  (They also reminded me of the Crayola Crayons that we all undoubtedly used as kids in grade school.)

Mr. Wells' death left an indelible impression on me when I first saw this gruesome episode back in 1968 as a young kid.  You know, I almost wish the scene could have played out like this:

The sound of deep moans, chains rattling and furniture being tossed about the room emanate from the Collinsport Inn attic storeroom.  Mr. Wells cautiously approaches the door to the room.

"Mr. Jennings, are you alright in there?"

"What?  Oh yeah, I'm okay"

"Is there anything that I can get you, Mr. Jennings?"

"Yeah, Mr. Wells.  You can get me some whipped cream, some maraschino cherries and a bottle of Mazola oil."

"Is there anything else I can get you Mr. Jennings?"

"Well, if isn't too much trouble, could you get me a videotape of 'Nine And A Half Weeks'?"

"Sure thing, Mr. Jennings.  I'll be right back in a jiffy!"


152
Current Talk '02 II / Nicholas Blair's "Unique" Hand Gesture
« on: September 06, 2002, 01:58:53 AM »
Hey gang,

Did you notice when Nicholas pointed his finger at and rubbed it against Adam's chest today, Nicholas used his middle finger rather than his forefinger to make the gesture?

You know, the use of that particular finger has been politely described as giving someone, the "half-a-peace-sign" gesture.  (It's also impolitely described as just plain giving someone "THE" finger!)

Do you think that Nicholas was sending some subliminal message to both Adam and Mr. B.?  It may have been the only time on Dark Shadows that someone allegedly flashed another person an obscene gesture.  I pray that I'm wrong about this.  So, what do you think?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who, now, symbolically flashes everyone the FULL peace sign.

153
Current Talk '02 II / "An Ahnswer, Nicholas, An Ahnswer!"
« on: September 04, 2002, 02:28:43 PM »
Hey gang,

You gotta love the way that actor Duane Morris (Diabolos) delivered his lines with great grandiloquence yesterday.  By the way, has anyone ever seen a picture of Mr. Morris without that mask and hood on?

Mr. Morris is another one of those one (or two) DS episode performers who have become legendary in time.  You know, sort of like the lovely and alluring Lovelady Powell (Portia Fitzsimmons) or my personal hero/avatar Mr. Bob O'Connell (the beloved Bob Rooney).  Wouldn't it be great if some of these actors could appear at some upcoming DS festival?  (Just think of the thrill of meeting Daniel Keyes, the Mr. Magoo-like Eagle Hill Cemetary Caretaker!)

In addition, I thought that Nicholas was, as usual, sartorially splendid with that color-coordinated gray umbrella he was sporting yesterday.


SPOILER




For another example of great grandiloquence on Dark Shadows, I direct you to actor Peter Lombard (Oberon) in the upcoming Leviathan story line.  I tell you, the guy sounds like a young and upcoming Al Gore!  (Of course, Oberon's associate, Hazar, is silent, but she's very easy on the eyes.)

Bob the Bartender, former speech instructor to Joe Pesci and Fran Drescher

154
Current Talk '02 II / Next Stop: Tarrytown, NY?
« on: August 29, 2002, 08:58:00 PM »
Hey gang,

Did you notice the bus schedule that Jeff Clark/Peter Bradford was reading today?  It was a list of NYC area locations.  I know that Jeff/Peter told Vicky that he was going to NYC, but I really think that the upscale, suburban community of Tarrytown, NY was Jeff's true destination.

Jeff wanted to travel to this town just north of the Big Apple because he knew that the great house of Collinwood/Lyndhurst was located there.  Jeff could start all over there with a new persona.  Instead of being Jeff Clark/Peter Bradford, a guy who didn't know who he is/was, he's now Jeff Clark, aspiring and promising artist with a bright future.

Instead of having a fiancee named Vicky Winters (who doesn't even know her own family background), Jeff's fiancee is now the lovely Maggie Evans (a level-headed young woman, with a definite family background).  

I think that Jeff/Peter may best be described as the "Zelig of Dark Shadows," a man who wants to transform himself from a whining, hair-grabbing schlump to a self-assured, neurotic-free artist.  A brand new life, isn't that something that we all would like to have at some point in our lives?

Bob the Bartender, who immensely enjoyed Tony Curtis' performance as the wonderfully nonconformist Ralph DeMara in "the Great Impostor."  


155
Current Talk '02 II / Memorable DS Bridal Wedding Gifts
« on: August 29, 2002, 03:38:25 AM »
Hey gang,

That "History of the Collins Family Book" was a heck of a wedding gift that Eve sent to Vicky today.  It was almost as "touching" as the skull with long black hair (Magda or Mrs. Johnson ancestor?) that Angelique sent to Josette as a gift.

I wonder what other types of gifts would be sent to some of the other prospective DS brides?  For example, if Maggie were to marry Nicholas Blair, I suspect that Nicholas would send his future bride, a full color photograph of himself, one showing in great detail Nicky's "killer" smile.

Can you think of the types of gifts such prospective DS brides as Carolyn, Eve, Julia, Sarah Johnson, Portia Fitzsimmons, the widow Magda Racosi, etc. might receive from their fiances?  

Bob the Bartender, bridal gift registry aficionado

156
Current Talk '02 II / Sodom & Gomorah Come To the Rocky Shores Of Maine!
« on: August 28, 2002, 11:13:37 PM »
Hey gang,

Or to be more precise, S & G come to the House by the Sea!  Man, that house must be crackling with some sexual tension.

Okay, I know that Adam is supposed to be bored out of his mind, sitting in that drawing room chair, staring at that seemingly ubiquitous 19th century DS portrait of that guy with the handlebar moustache.  But, I don't buy it for a second!

Adam is a guy who is supposed to be as strong as a lion, possess the intellect of an Einstein, and, no doubt, the libido of a stallion (more like ten times the horniness of, say, Hugh Hefner!).  Okay, Adam is watching an old Tarzan movie one lonely night.  The big guy sees Johnnie Weismuller's caveman like courtship of the lovely Irish actress, Maureen O'Sullivan: "Uun-gow-wah!  Me Tarzan, you Jane. Uuga-boogah!"  So, the sensuous Eve walks into the house after one of her long moonlit "walks" along the shore.  Adam stares at her and say:  "Me, Adam, you Eve,  Let's get it on!!!"  End of story.

Of course, with the alluring Angelique in residence (up until yesterday) there is even more "smoke" to add to the fire, should I say.  And, Nicholas, in that grey smoking jacket, looks like Hugh Hefner himself.  (All he needs is the obligatory pipe to complete the picture.)  Toss in Maggie and Carolyn, and you'd need that noted quantum physicist, Dr. Sam Beckett, to calculate all of the possible (and potential) erotic couplings.

So, take it from m, "sin city" is alive and well in Collinsport, ME, in that meretricious House by the Sea!!!

Bob the Bartender, defender of moral rectitude in Collinsport, ME.


157
Current Talk '02 II / "No Introductions....Please!"
« on: August 23, 2002, 02:34:41 AM »
Hey gang,

Was it me misinterpreting the situation, but when Eve said to Jeff, "Let me put my arms around you and kiss you so that you'll remember me," it did NOT look as if Collinsport's most perfectly-coiffed bachelor was making any attempt to spurn Eve's advances.

And, can you imagine what Roger must have been thinking as he witnessed Jeff and Eve "swapping spit," so to speak?  "Now I know why that young rapscallion turned down that job training seminar in Boston several weeks ago!"

Heck, Roger must have come to the conclusion that Jeff must be a Frenchman at heart, with a decidedly "continental" attitude about maintaining both a young, new wife AND a mistress on the side!

It couldn't have been very enjoyable for Roger to see Jeff succeed with so many women.  The poor guy is probably still walking the floors over his recent failed marriage with Cassandra.  Roger must be thinking: "Okay, Jeff is younger than me and has a thicker head of hair than I do.  But, in comparison to Jeff, I'm a man of superior wealth, culture and breeding.  That stunning, raven-haired beauty should be attracted to a man of my position, not some young cad like Clark!"

I tell you, Roger looked so sad and alone in that big, king-sized bed of his.  (They should have been playing Martha and the Motels' song, "Only the Lonely Can Play.") I don't think that he would be dreaming about Vicky's upcoming wedding.  No!  Roger would be dreaming of some of the sweet nothings that Eve (if she only knew him) would say to Roger;sweet nothings, such as: "Roger, you were born to share my bed!"

Bob the Bartender, incurable romantic


158
Hey gang,

Which Sheriff Paterson look do you prefer: the chrome dome look of Dana Elcar and Vince O'Brien or the healthy head of hair look of Alfred Sandor?  (The mustachioed look of Angus Cairns does not count.)

Personally, I prefer my Sheriff Paterson to look like Col. Klink or "Santini," one of the singers from the seminal rock group, "Sha Na Na."

By the way, did actor Alfred Sandor (today's Sheriff Paterson) steal more furtive and fleeting glances at the teleprompter in one episode today, than Jonathan Frid stole during the entire four years he was on the show?

When Sheriff Paterson asked Barnabas if there could possibly be another woman (besides Maggie) who could have come between Mr. B. and Joe Haskell and caused some bad blood, I wondered just whom the Sheriff could possibly mean (besides Angelique, of course): Susie the waitress, Portia Fitzsimmons, Vicky Winters, Janet Findley, Anna Nicole Smith?  Can you think of any other ladies who might have caused this falling out between Barnabas and Joe?

Bob the Bartender, Collinsport's Number One Quidnunc


159
Current Talk '02 II / Just Who's Been Sleeping In Josette's Bed?
« on: August 21, 2002, 05:26:00 AM »
Hey gang,

Seeing a somewhat "perturbed" Joe Haskell stretched out on Josette's bed today, got me to thinking about all of the people we saw catching forty winks on that particular bed.  (Isn't it ironic that Ms. Josette, herself, never made it to the "sacred" bed, with or without Barnabas?)

Let's see Maggie Evans and Vicky Winters both placed their lovely heads upon Josette's pillows on that bed.  And, of course, Leona Eltredge plopped her curvaceous tuches on Josette's bed for a quick rest before she acted as the life-force in the second so-called Eve experiment.

Can you think of any other Dark Shadows characters who may have "parked their carcass" on Barnabas and Josette's intended marital bed during the four-and-one-half year run of the show?

Bob the Bartender, who, like Gloria Klein of Kleinsleep Mattresses, hopes that you all "have more fun in bed!"

160
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,


(Here's a poll that I think I already know what the final outcome will be.)  Do you find Jeff Clark, with his seemingly perpetually angst-ridden, hair-grasping, and petulant "schtick" more annoying?  Or, like yours truly, are you absolutely sick and tired of seeing that geeky twenty-something with the seemingly unending leering smile on his kisser in those ubiquitous Dell Computer TV commercials?  (I tell you, I almost threw my cherished autographed Tom Seaver baseball at that blonde-haired nerd the other night!)

Incidentally, in defense of Jeff Clark's hair-grasping, I believe that Jeff is merely emulating the late, great Rod Steiger.  If you've ever seen the gritty film classic "On The Waterfront," (and I just know that you all have!), Mr. Steiger is seen to grab both his face and the hair on the sides of his head in that famous cab scene with Marlon Brando (or "Mr. Mumbles" as Frank Sinatra once described him).

Perhaps you've seen that other 1950's film, in which Mr. Steiger plays a condemned prisoner who crash lands with several other airline passengers in the Amazon jungle.  (I can't quite remember the flick's name, but it's on AMC quite often.)  Anyway, Mr. Steiger (who has the only gun) has to decide which passengers can take off in the damaged airliner to safety, and which passengers will stay behind with him to face certain, horrible death at the hands of the native head-hunters.

Well, it is a real tour de force for Mr. Steiger as he wrestles with the awful question of just who should live and who should be left to die.  I believe that Mr. Steiger takes a full minute, grasping his face and the hair on the top of his head (with no hat on this time!) before he arrives at his momentous decision.  I have believe that Roger Davis (Jeff Clark/Peter Bradford) had to be influenced by this brilliant dramatic actor.

By the way, I also believe that Mr. Steiger influenced another young and upcoming actor, John Travolta with his hair/head grasping routine as Vinnie Barbarino in "Welcome Back, Kotter." Surely you remember the great line, "I'm so confused!" by the greatest member of "The Sweathogs"?

So, while I'm sure that most of you will opt to give thumbs-down to Jeff Clark, I'll give the "Sicilian Salute" to that creepy Dell computer kid.

Bah Humbug!

Bob the Bartender, who still gets chills from Mr. Steiger's performance as that truly angst-ridden priest in "The Amityville Horror."

161
Current Talk '02 II / Haute Cuisine With Chef Willie Loomis
« on: August 15, 2002, 11:49:13 PM »
Hey gang,

It's too bad that we didn't get to see what epicurean feast "Chef" Willie Loomis prepared for Barnabas' guests the other night at the Old House.  I'm sure you'll agree with me that it was a candlelight supper that that renowned British hostess, Mrs. Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced "Bouquet"), would glowingly approve of.

Let's see, Willie might begin with a fresh tossed salad that he picked up at the local Pathmark, Giant, Von's, Publix (take your pick).  Willie might then serve either some fine Progresso lentil soup or Campbell's all-time-favorite, tomato soup.  

The first course of Willie's feast would be Chef-Boy-Ardee Raviolis from a can.  (Yummy!)  However, Nicholas Blair, a true gastronome, who has traveled the world in search of fine dining, would be positively ecstatic about Willie's main course dish of beef goulash.  "Why, Willie, I haven't had beef goulash this exceptional since I was last in Budapest.  Where ever did you get the recipe for this wonderful dish?"

To which a diffident Willie replies, "Hamburger Helper, helps you make a great meal!!!"

I'm sure we all wish we had been able to break bread with Barnabas, Julia, Elliot (a man with a positively Herculean appetite!) and Nicholas at this truly sumptuous meal.  Bon Appetit, or as my grandfather used to say, "Mangia!!!"  (Eat your heart out, Julia Child!)

Bob the Bartender, who always brings red wine when I dine at White Castle.

162
Current Talk '02 II / In Praise Of Eve: The Lady In Black!
« on: August 13, 2002, 03:21:34 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Seeing the phenomenal Eve on the Sci-Fi Channel brings back fond memories of 1968.  When, as a young boy, I first laid eyes on Adam's alluring intended, it was like an epiphany to me.  My eyes opened wide and I felt my pulse quickening.  I suppose it was then, looking at this truly stunning woman, that I realized that there was much more to life than baseball, Beatles music and pizza on Friday night with all of the toppings!

Ah yes, the sultry, albeit evil Eve was quite a sight for a young fellow.  I'm sure that Gerard and Ringo will agree with me that you always want to bring a lovely, young lady like Maggie Evans or Vicky Winters home to meet your mom and dad.  Nevertheless, Eve is the kind of woman who you would like to "rock your world," so to speak.  (I guess it's the male equivalent of women who are attracted to so-called "bad boys.")

As we will soon find out, Eve enjoys taking long, early morning walks along the beach.  Can you imagine if those two-early bird anglers, the honorable Cornelius Crathorne and saloon keeper Bob Rooney, are standing on the beach at Findley's Cove as Eve comes slinking up the shore line, dressed in that sexy black cocktail dress of hers?  I can almost see it now...

"Jesus Christ, Judge Crathorne!  Would you get a load of that one coming up the beach!"

To which Hancock County's finest jurist replies:  "Quick, Bob.  Get my digitalis out of my bag.  This could be the big one!"

Bob the Bartender, who will now walk around the corner one hundred times and then, take a cold shower!

163
Current Talk '02 II / Mr. Jeff Clark:Between A Rock And A Hard Place
« on: August 12, 2002, 02:12:56 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

We have not seen the tempestuous Jeff Clark for a while now.  (And, I know how really upset that makes many of you out there.)  These have hadly been the best of times for Vicky's former fiance.

First, Jeff, who thought he had seen the last of Dr. Lang's morbid life transfer experiment, has been impelled to assist Barnabas and Dr. Hoffman as they attempt to "create" a mate for Adam.  (Of course, Jeff is cooperating with Mr. B. and Dr. H. only because Adam has threatened to kill Vicky and everyone else at Collinwood if they don't make him an "old lady.")

Okay, then Roger offers Jeff a junior executive position at the Collins Cannery, but Jeff has to reluctantly turn down Roger's offer because of Jeff's current "job."  Vicky gets ticked off with Jeff and subsequently returns her engagement to him.  What a bummer!

To make matters worse, Barnabas mistrusts Jeff and later kicks him off of the experiment.  (Doesn't Jeff wish that Barnabas had fired him off of that "job" BEFORE Roger offered him the cannery position!!!)

By the way, didn't Jeff (as a result of his anger and disgust at being "recruited" onto the second experiment) try to stick a scalpel into (1) Adam and (2) Eve's dormant body during this plotline?  Gee, I thought that Dr. Lang's confidential psychological report on Jeff stated that Jeff had "no homicidal tendencies."  (I guess that Dr. Lang should have left the  psychological diagnosis to the psychiatrist, Julia Hoffman.)

Well, now Jeff must be lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling (in whatever flop house that he's now staying in) and wondering how it all turned out so lousy.  I can see Jeff popping an eight track cassette into his stereo system and crying himself to sleep as Frankie Sinatra starts to sing:

"When you lonely heart has learned its lesson,
 You'd be hers if only she would call.
 In the wee small hours of the morning,
 That's the time you miss her most of all."

Hang in there, Jeff.  Keep your chin up.  As David Crosby (the Grandpa Walton of Rock & Roll) once sang: "The darkest hour is always just before the dawn."

Bob the Bartender, hopeless romantic

164
Current Talk '02 II / Dark Shadows' Stairway To Nowhere
« on: August 09, 2002, 04:30:45 AM »
Hey gang,

Did you notice in yesterday's episode, when Adam and Leona Eltridge entered the Old House and started to walk up the stairway to Josette's room, that, at one point, they just stopped on the stairs?  

I once observed Willie Loomis charge up the stairs to find Barnabas, only to obviously stop after about ten footsteps up the stairway.  Of course, in a house as large as the Old House, the stairway has to have more steps than that.

A future episode from the Parallel Time 1970 story line provides the solution to this oddity.  In one episode, Carolyn or Will Loomis comes charging out of the Old House basement.  The cameraman inadvertently swings the camera from the iron door of the basement to the foyer of the Old House.  There, but only for a brief moment or two, we get to see that the stairway just ends, with no access to the second floor.  

I believe there is also a photograph of David Selby standing at the top of the stairway that "leads to nowhere."  I wonder if any of the DS actors ever charged too quickly up that faux stairway, nearly flying off the top step?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender    

165
Current Talk '02 II / Leona Eltridge And Eric Lang: Share The Fantasy!
« on: August 09, 2002, 04:10:43 AM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Okay, I realize that Nicholas fabricated the story about a torrid love affair between Leona and Eric to satisfy Barnabas, Julia and Prof. Stokes.  Nevertheless, Dr. Lang must have soared in Barbanas' estimation after Mr. B. met the lovely Leona.  In fact, if the good doctor were still alive, I'll bet that Barnabas would say to him, "Why, Eric, you wild, impetuous mad scientist, you!"

Evidently Dr. Lang, in life, had more on his mind then just sewing together random body parts.  Eric Lang lends credence to the old adage that goes, "While there may be snow on the roof, there are still flames blazing down in the old "furnace"!  More power to you, Dr. Lang!  You give us all hope!!!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, faithful Ginsana user.

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