Hey, gang,

I venture to say that every Dark Shadows fan, especially those of a “certain” age, can perfectly recite the truly enigmatic words of Angelique’s Dream Curse:

Through sight and sound and faceless terror,

Through endless corridors by trial and error,

Ahead a blazing light does burn,

And one door leads to the point of return.

One question about these stirring words that I’ve thought about over the years, is which DS writer actually wrote those famous words? Was it Sam Hall, Gordon Russell, Ron Sproat or one of the other DS writers? Some of the most memorable lines on DS were written by Gordon Russell, such as Barnabas’ pithy remark, which he uttered in the Blue Whale, “Serenity is my favorite emotion.”   

You know, several lifelong, rabid fans of the Green Bay Packers have made arrangements to have their coffins interiors lined in Packer bay green and cheese gold colors and to be attired in Packer sweatshirts featuring the retired numbers of such Packer greats as Bart Starr, Ray Nitschke and Herb Adderley. Some diehard Packer fans even have the numbers of those Packer greats carved into their gravestones along with the inspirational words of the great Green Bay Packers coach, the legendary Vince Lombardi. (I wonder if our DS cousin, Gerard, being a proud native of The Badger State, regularly wears Packer green and gold to display his undying Packer allegiance?)

Well, I wonder if some equally loyal and fanatical DS fans have made similar pre-arrangements to insure that their coffins with be decorated exactly the same as the coffin Barnabas crammed into during his four years on the show? Will some DS fans make arrangements to be clothed in their coffins, wearing the same Inverness coat Barnabas always wore on the show, even during the warm summer months in Collinsport? (Even the legendary Bela “Dracula” Lugosi arranged to be attired in his famous Dracula cape in his coffin.)

Who knows, maybe some more loyal and dedicated DS fans will even arrange to have some memorable DS quotes, carved into their headstones, such as, “Don’t Go Tomcatting Around Collinsport!” (the unfailingly gracious Mordecai Grimes), “What Do You With  a Drunken Sailor?” (the water-logged ghost of poor and unfortunate Bill Malloy) and “Let the Legions of the Damned Salute You!” (Warlock Nicholas Blair’s Especially Touching Love Paean to Maggie Evans). 

I could go on, but what limits could there possibly be for any lifelong DS fan to express their love and affection for the beloved residents of Collinsport, Maine as they pass over to the other side?

Bob the Bartender, who looks forward to being attired in my coffin, wearing my stylish Bob Rooney Sears-Roebuck Royal Stewart flannel shirt and with a pack of Bob’s trademark El Producto cigars placed in my breast shirt pocket to accompany me throughout eternity. 

Hey, gang,

Tonight the COZI TV Channel airs five excellent horror films, we’ve probably all seen and enjoyed over the years. The schedule of films (all Eastern Standard Time) is:

6:00PM The Wolf Man (1941) No doubt, both Quentin Collins and Chris Jennings’’ “favorite” horror film. I’ll bet they both could relate to Larry Talbot’s extremely unfortunate decision to visit that gypsy camp out on the moors.

7:30 PM The Mummy (1932) I wonder if a courting Roger Collins and Laura Ratcliffe caught this eerie flick on a date at the Collinsport Cinema in 1956?

9:00 PM Dracula (1931) The definitive creature of the night film. This flick must have
really struck a cord with Barnabas Collins, when Barnabas was watching this film on the “Creature Features” Saturday night films broadcast out of Portland, Maine with his cousins Roger and David Collins in the Collinwood family tv room.

10:00 PM The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954) This 1950s horror classic about a group of American scientists encountering a mysterious man-fish along the Amazon River in Brazil is said to be Willie Loomis’ all-time favorite fright flick. Willie especially enjoyed the beautiful, and strangely erotic, aquatic pas de deux performed by the beautiful and decidedly zaftig Julie Adams and the obviously beguiled and thunderstruck gill-man.

12:00 AM The Invisible Man (1933) This highly imaginative film, starring that renowned and unfailingly grandiloquent film and stage actor Claude Rains, and directed by the legendary James
Whale (Frankenstein and The Bride of Frankenstein), tells the story of Dr. Jack Griffin, a brilliant scientific researcher, who discovers a new drug which renders him invisible.

Undoubtedly, such renowned Collinsport scientific researchers as Dr. Eric Lang and Dr. Cyrus Longworth would have tipped their hats in great respect for their fellow colleague, a truly inspired man of science!

So, tonight, I’ll settle down with my microwave popcorn and Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate (sugar-free, of course) in front of the tv and enjoy over six hours of truly legendary Hollywood horror entertainment! What better way to ring in the festive Halloween season?     

Hey gang,

Since most of us “Dark Shadows kiddies” (as the late, great Louis Edmonds once nicknamed us), are now sexagenarians or even older, I wonder if Barnabas and the other DS characters signed up for our nation’s healthcare program?

When you think of it, Barnabas was already 172-years-old in 1967, well over the minimum age for Medicare membership, when the avaricious Willie Loomis released Barnabas from his chained coffin. Yet, don’t you think Mr. B. Would have a hard time establishing his age with the good people at the Social Security System? And,  besides, after introducing himself to Mrs. Stoddard and the rest of the Collins family as a member of “the British branch of the Collins family, could Barnabas enroll in Medicare as a resident
 alien?

Let’s say Barnabas could establish his credentials with the Social Security System, do you think Barnabas would settle on just Parts A and B on Medicare or would the shrewd and savvy Barnabas opt for Prescription Parts C and D with Medicare? I don’t know, but considering Barnabas’s longtime relationship with Dr. Julia Hoffman AND Julia’s status as the “world’s most persistent house guest at the great house of Collinwood, maybe Julia kept Barnabas and the rest of the Collinses, well-supplied with any needed drugs/prescriptions from Julia’s private hospital, Windcliff?

And, maybe Barnabas could supplement his retirement income by becoming a paid spokesman for supplemental Medicare prescription plans like former New York Jets quarterback, Joe “Willie” Namath and Jimmy “Dy-No-Mite” Walker?

I can see it now, Barnabas attired in his three- piece Brooks Brothers suit and Inverness coat and brandishing his Uber-cool wolf’s head cane, saying from the Old House drawing room, “Friends, this is Barnabas Collins of Collinsport, Maine, here to urge you all to take full advantage of Medicare’s benefits, as I did when I became eligible for Medicare membership back in 1966. Don’t miss out on any of Medicare’s extensive benefits, like I did to get free dental work on my rather long incisor teeth, regular eye checkups, so that I could still read the I-Ching wands at my advanced age and help with the inevitable “bladder problems,” that a person of a “certain age” is bound to experience with the passing of the years.

So don’t delay and call the number on your tv screen so that our extremely friendly and helpful agents,
including my good friends Mr. Buzz Hackett and Mr. Bob Rooney, can help get on your way to receiving full medical coverage and so many wonderful benefits. Call right now,  before ‘Jeopardy’ and ‘Matlock’ come on.” 

Hey, gang,

So, I’m looking at the photos of the scenes from DS episodes today, and I see Barnabas being harangued by that creepy Leviathan guy in episode number 915. And, the Leviathan is identified as being called: “Adlar.”

Wow, it’s been 53 years since that momentous DS first aired and I finally get a given name to associate with that “handsome” face! “Adlar” is apparently a German name, meaning “noble strength.” When I’ve seen this particular DS episode over the years, I’ve thought that “Adlar” might have been portrayed by the late, great Roy Scheider (of Orange, NJ), who was so great in “The French Connection” and in the “Jaws” films (although, the less said about “Jaws:The Revenge,” the better!).

But, no, “Adlar” was, in fact, portrayed by actor Pierrino Mascarino. (And, with a name like that, Mr. Mascarino would have been a natural in either “The Godfather” or “The Sopranos,” not to mention “The Montefuscos”!) Apparently, this one and only appearance on DS was one of Mr. Mascarino’s first screen roles; he later appeared on Broadway and also on many other television shows.

Of course DS Episode 915 also features the first and only appearance of the lovely and extremely talented stage and film actress, Marsha Mason, as Audrey, the Leviathan vampire girl. In the episode, Barnabas, in a dream sequence, puts the bite on Audrey on the Collinsport docks, outside of The Blue Whale (a favorite “imbibing spot” for Mr. B. over the centuries). Later, we find out that Audrey was another original Leviathan, summoned by “Adlar” to intimidate Barnabas and get him to play ball with them.

You know, after the treacherous Jeb Hawkes betrayed the Leviathans and Nicholas Blair at Jeb and Carolyn Stoddard’s “holy” marriage ceremony at the Leviathan altar, I’ve often wondered what happened to “Adlar,” Audrey, Mr. Strak, Haza, Oberon and the rest of the Leviathan gang? Is Mr. Strak now tending bar at the Kit-Kat Lounge in Portland, Maine? Are Haza and Oberon operating a Bed & Breakfast Inn in tony Bay Head, New
Jersey? And, are “Adlar” and Audrey, chilling out on the dock on Duval Street in Key West, Florida, entertaining all of the tourists as America’s “southernmost ghouls and goblins” as the sun is setting on that beautiful American vacation spot? 

Hey, gang,

One aspect of “Dark Shadows” which has not been previously discussed was the various hair styles worn by the DS characters.

During the very first episode of DS, we saw Vicky Winters, wearing that very long hairdo, which she wore pretty much for the next two years. Of course, we also got our first look at Maggie Evans, resplendent as a tough-talking blond, For reasons never explained, Maggie quickly changed her hair color to brunette and sometimes, reddish brown.

Mrs. Stoddard always wore her dark hair in a very high and elegant manner, except at night, when she sometimes let her hair down. Carolyn Stoddard debuted on DS with a gloriously brilliant blond hair style, that was so popular in the 1960s with such other beautiful, young women as Jean Seberg, Carol Lynley and Sandra Dee. Later on in the show, Carolyn’s blond hair did not seem as shining. ((Although, maybe the color was just off on my television set?)

When we first saw the esteemed Dr. Julia Hoffman, she was sporting, to be quite frank, a sort of unkempt, “blach” hair style. And, then, during the time when Barnabas was trying to drive her around the bend (if I remember correctly) she suddenly shows up at Collinwood with this short, tapered hair style. I tell you, she almost looked like a completely different woman, with that very attractive and flattering look. (You think that Barnabas would have come to his senses and take a romantic interest in Julia, but, I digress.)

Probably the greatest hair “metamorphosis”on DS occurred, when Sabrina Stuart, Chris Jennings’ former fiancée and sister of the always-mellow Ned Stuart, showed up in Collinsport in an almost catatonic state and as gray as Mrs. Santa Claus and former First Lady Barbara Bush. After Carolyn magnanimously realized that she was the “third wheel” in the romantic trio of Chris, Sabrina and herself, she very graciously took Sabrina to a hair salon, where Sabrina regained her previous glorious brunette hair color. That trip to the hair stylist certainly restored Chris’ attraction to Sabrina.

Yet, all of these hair color and hair style changes on DS, got me to thinking that it was too bad that we never got to see any of the DS ladies, actually going to the local Collinsport hair salon (or as they were previously called, “ beauty parlors”) for their coiffures. Just think of all the juicy gossip the ladies could have exchanged as they got their hair done at “Mr. Kenneth’s of Collinsport” or at “Hannah Stokes House of Beauty”? ( By the way, didn’t Hannah Stokes have an especially “flamboyant” hair style herself?)

And, let’s not forget the handsome men of Collinsport. Where did they go in town to get their hair cut? Was there a “Luigi of Palermo” barber shop in town? Maybe there was a folksy American barber in Collinsport like Floyd the barber in Mayberry, NC? Perhaps Sheriff George Patterson’s younger brother, Cliff, was that homegrown Collinsport barber? (I hope Cliff did NOT inherit his older brother’s unfortunate male pattern baldness.)

It would have been great to see Barnabas get an “after-hours” (when else?) hair cut at either Luigi’s or Cliff’s local barber shop. Maybe Luigi or Cliff might tactfully suggest to Barnabas that he was a bit too old for the Buster Brown “bangs” look? They’d possibly suggest to Mr. B. that he’d look much more handsome with either a pompadour or a crew cut like baseball player Pete Rose or astronaut Gordon Cooper.

And, speaking of pompadours, just how demanding do you think Leviathan acolyte Bruno Hess was when he strolled into the local barber shop to get his magnificent head of hair cut? Heck, I could see the “slightly” narcissistic Bruno demanding both as manicure and a pedicure from the astonished barbers. “We don’ta do men’s fingernails and toenails back in Sicily or here!” Luigi would likely protest.  No doubt, Cliff would also inform Bruno that he didn’t do nails either and that Bruno might want to go to either “Mr. Kenneth’s” or Hannah’s establishments to get his nails done.

And, with Roger continuing to lose his hair, perhaps Luigi and Cliff eventually charged the balding Roger, only half-price for a hair cut? I would have liked to have seen Luigi or Cliff try to engage Roger in light conversation about Red Sox baseball or attractive women or local and national politics as barbers all over America are wont to do. (Somehow, I don’t think that Roger was an especially good tipper.)

Alas, we never got to see Willie Loomis get a hair cut or see little Davey Collins get his very first hair cut in Collinsport. All these truly memorable tonsorial DS moments would have been very appealing and even heart-warming to see, I venture to say.

Hey, gang,

I just saw “The Age of Adaline,” an excellent film featuring Blake Lively, Ellen Burstyn, Harrison Ford and Kathy Baker. Blake Lively stars as Adaline Bowman, a 29-year-old woman, born in 1908, who, as a result of a car accident and being simultaneously struck by lightning in 1937, literally ceases to age and remains a youthful woman.

The film explores how the ever-youthful Adaline is forced to move from city to city, change her name and avoid anyone who might know her from her earlier life. She has a daughter, who is nearly 80-years-old as the still youthful Adaline hits age 105.

As I watched this film, I was reminded of Quentin Collins’ similar ageless situation as a result of Count Petofi’s spell and Charles Delaware Tate’s portrait of Quentin. Quentin was about 27-years-old when we first saw him in 1897. For 72 years, Quentin moved from place to place, with pseudonyms like “Grant Douglas,” very much like Adaline Bowman until he ended up back in Collinsport. That would make him 99-years-“young.”

I wonder if Quentin saw this film, would it strike too close to home for him? How about if a bored Quentin just happened to catch a double-feature of “The Age of Adaline” and “The Green Mile” at the Collinsport Cinema? In the latter film, former prison guard Paul Edgecomb is apparently punished by God to live up to the age of 108 after having participated in the execution of the innocent John Coffey, a man, blessed with Divine healing
powers. Paul Edgecomb is forced to see everyone he loves eventually die as he lingers on in a nursing home.

How could Quentin stand to see his siblings Judith and Edward, his niece and nephew Nora and Jamison and even his own daughter and probably her own children all pass on before him as he never ages? Heck, even Carolyn Stoddard-Hawkes, David Collins and Maggie Evans would obviously notice Quentin’s Dorian Gray-like youthfulness today in 2022. I suppose both Barnabas and Dr. Hoffman would also both be dead by now.

On the dvd commentaries on “The Age of Adaline,” actress Ellen Burstyn, who portray’s  Adaline’s 80-year-old daughter, says that she would hate to live presumably forever like Adaline Bowman in the film. I’ve always thought the ever-youthful Quentin Collins situation was problematic, especially if DS had continued on for several more years.

People often say that it’s no fun getting old. But, in Quentin’s case, I wonder if he would gladly succumb to the infirmities of the aging process and the eventual conclusion of life rather than to live on and see everyone you
ever loved die before you?

Hey, gang,

So, I’m standing at the supermarket, waiting in a humongous line, which will take seemingly forever to check-out, and I spot a magazine next to the “TV-Guide” and “The Enquirer” (a personal favorite), with the intriguing title, “Vampires.” I immediately grab a copy from the magazine rack and start to read it.

The magazine is one of those periodicals you frequently see in supermarkets, covering such varied and eclectic subjects as popular US presidents, The Rolling Stones, “The Sopranos,” and UFOs, etc. This “Vampires” issue begins with the origins of the vampire legend, dating back to the years of 1428 to 1477, of the reign of Romanian leader, Vlad III, also “affectionately” known as “Vlad the Impaler.” Vlad was a real “charmer,” combining all of the warmth and conviviality of Count Petofi, Judah Zachery and Ralphie Ciffarreto of “The Sopranos.” As the Romanian ruler, ‘ol Vlad used to routinely behead his enemies (a foreshadowing of Judah Zachery?) and place their severed heads on wooden spikes to discourage other possible enemy invaders from entering Romania. In addition, when emissaries from Turkey declined to remove their turbans in a show of respect to the Romanian ruler, the impish Vlad had their turbans nailed to the tops of their heads to remind them of their lack of courtesy.

The magazine cites Irish writer Bram Stoker, author of the seminal vampire novel, “Dracula,” which created great interest in the old Romanian and Hungarian legends, inspired by Vlad and the rumors of the undead.

Of course, the legendary cinematic vampires are discussed, including the great Bela Lugosi, the distinguished Sir Christopher Lee, and the most improbable vampire, Tom Cruise, the pride of Glen Ridge, New Jersey.

The magazine then lists several of the popular vampire television series; “True Blood,” “The Vampire Diaries,” “Forever Knight,” and “Buffy, The Vampire Slayer,” among others are covered.  But, as I neared the end of this magazine, I noticed to my great surprise and annoyance there was no mention of the great and ground-braking “Dark Shadows.” Oh yeah, they had a photograph of actor Johnny Depp, in his Barnabas Collins get-up, and a brief mention that the 2012 DS film was “based on the 1960s ABC television series,” but that was it. No mention of Jonathan Frid, the originator of the unique “reluctant vampire,” no acknowledgement of DS creator
Dan Curtis or of the other actors and writers from the world’s greatest vampire series. Talk about an infamita!

I was glad to see that that “comprehensive” look into vampirism lasted less than a week on the supermarket magazine stands, to be replaced by a magazine giving us all the inside story of the fascinating lives of the curiously self-effacing Kardashian family.