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Topics - Bob_the_Bartender

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136
Current Talk '03 I / Curling Up With A "Good" Book
« on: March 14, 2003, 07:48:39 PM »
Hey gang,

That was some engrossing scene today when Lady Kitty awoke from her vivid dream to find those flowers and that book, The Love Sonnets of Robert Burns, on her night table (notwithstanding that pesky and seemingly omnipresent Dark Shadows Fly!).

However, I wonder what Lady Kitty's reaction would have been if she had awakened to find any of these other tomes on night table?:

Ectasy and Me - The autobiography of the late, sultry screen goddess, Hedy Lamarr.

Ball Four - The irreverent recollections of baseball pitcher Jim Bouton's tenure with the expansion (and now defunct) Seattle Pilots of the American League.

Tall, Dark and Gruesome - The autobiography of actor Christopher Lee, arguably the most terrifying Dracula ever to bare his fangs on the silver screen.

Fear of Flying - Author Erica Jong's novel, chronicling a woman's lifelong search for "liberation."

Yet, perhaps this following self-help book might prove to be the most inspiring and encouraging book for Lady Kitty Hampshire:

The Gold Diggers Guide to Landing a Spouse with Mucho Dinero - by Catherine Zebra-Johns and Michael Dowd, with a Foreword by Kathie Lee-Me .

Ms. Zebra-Johns and her apparently ageless, Dorian Graylike husband, Mr. Dowd, will explain, in detail, all of the subtle and artful techniques needed to attract that prospective, wealthy mate.

Kathie Lee-Me will lend her expertise on how a woman of a "certain" age can still successfully play the coquette, in order to reel in an "older" and very affluent man.

A subsequent chapter details how a successful gold digger, once married, can make a killing by negotiating a lucrative, albeit tacky deal, with a tabloid, to publish exclusive photographs of one's wedding day.

The book concludes with a section on how to maintain that gorgeous gold digger look with an informative discussion of the efficacy of Botox and Collagen injections, the desirabliity of maintaining an attractive, but still healthy tan (a la  Mr. George Hamilton's tawny tan), and, when it's time to finally go under the plastic surgeon's knife.

I just have an intuitive feeling that a self-help book like this might prove to be of enormous benefit to an aspiring gold digger such as Lady Kitty of Hampshire (formerly, no doubt, Ms. Kitty Kowalski of Pottstown, PA).  Hey, it couldn't hurt!

Can you think of any other books that may pique the interest of this former expatriate American "cultivator" of the English aristocracy?

Bob the Bartender, aspiring social climber and parvenu wannabe.

137
Hey gang,

So far, we've seen Mr. Tate, the temperamental and tortured artistic genius, create two seemingly "perfect" people after conjuring them up on his artist's canvas.

Yes, the breathtakingly beautiful Amanda Harris and that unnamed, dark-haired fellow, two vacuous (not to mention vapid) "b.p.'s" (beautiful people).  You know, Amanda and that silent, dark-haired fellow make Halle Berry and George Hamilton seem like Ma and Pa Kettle by comparison, IMHO.

By the way, that short-lived, dark-haired fellow originally reminded me of the late Sergio Franchi, the fine singer/actor from Italy.  However, on second thought, I think that Tate's artificial man looks more like Edward Villella, the ballet dancer who once guest-starred on an episode of "The Odd Couple," with Jack Klugman and the toffee-nosed Tony Randall.  (Maybe I'll just call that fellow, "Orville," for want of a better name.)

In any event, I can't believe that the magically-talented Tate stopped whipping up so-called "perfect people" after creating Amanda Harris and "Orville."  Here are a few other self-absorbed automatons, who, I believe, may have sprung to life from Charles Delaware Tate's canvas:

Madonna Ciccone
George Clooney
John Davidson
Michael Douglas
Bianca Jagger
Geraldo Rivera
Martha Stewart
Catherine Zeta-Jones

Can you think of any other "beautiful bubbleheads/bobbleheads," who may owe their very own existence to Mr. C. D. Tate?

Bob the Bartender, former student of the John Nagy Learn To Draw School.
     

138
Current Talk '03 I / An Urgent Question For Count Petofi
« on: February 14, 2003, 03:38:38 AM »
Hey gang,

Man, that was some fiery and explosive scene between Aristede and C. D. Tate yesterday.

I know that Charles demanded that he speak with the count to find out why he had been summoned to the tiny village  of Collinsport, ME.  However, I think that was just balderdash and poppycock on the part of the immensely talented and temperamental artist.

There can be only one reason why Charles sought to speak with the omniscient and King Solomon-like Petofi.  Charles wanted the learned count to answer a question of earth-shattering importance.  And, what was that question, you may ask?  Just who has the groovier, more perfectly-coiffed head of hair, Charles Delaware Tate or Aristede?

Yes, Charles D. Tate, with that flowing mop of flaxen hair (a la Brad Pitt) or Aristede, with that shining mass of dark hair, combed down in an artfully-styled pompadour (very much like the pompadour the late, great  George Harrison sported in "A Hard Day's Night).

I tell you, it would be a tough call even for the sagacious count to choose between those two Salon Selective dandies.

And, did you catch that large black hat with the wide brim and matching black cape on Charles?  He looked like a taller, younger version of the late author, Truman Capote.

And, as for Aristede, in that snazzy suit with the colorful cravat, he looked like the 18th century's answer to P. Diddy Combs.

Wow, if bartender Bob Rooney wants to keep up with these two young Beau Brummels, old Bob will have to get some Donatella Versace designer flannel shirts to wear while tending bar at the Blue Whale!

Bob the Bartender, who will gladly wait on frigid 42nd Street, freezing off his "caboose," just to catch a fleeting glimpse of Donna Karan, entering those Bryant Park tents at the Fashion Week Show.  Long live the Style Channel!!!

PS  If today's knife fight with Quentin is any indication, as a so-called "tough guy," the spindly Aristede makes a great Casper Milquetoast!

139
Current Talk '03 I / An Acronym That You Do Not Want to Hear!
« on: February 11, 2003, 06:12:47 PM »
Hey gang,

I got to thinking about momentous, impressive and, possibly, extremely frightening three letter acronyms.  Of course, we're all familiar with such noteworthy acronyms as : CIA, FBI, IRS (talk about frightening!), FCC, SEC, MTV, FDA, NSA, DIA, BBC, VH1, VFW, GOP, NOW and the like.

Yet, perhaps the most frightening, if not downright terrifying three letter acronym of all has to be the dreaded: CDT, Charles Delaware Tate!  Shutter your windows and lock your doors!  He's back!!!  

Bob the Bartender, proud graduate of the John Nagy Learn to Draw and Paint Correspondence School.

140
Current Talk '03 I / The "Kiss" of Count Petofi
« on: February 11, 2003, 05:55:09 PM »
Hey gang,

So far, we've seen Jamison Collins, his dad, Edward, and that "paragon" of legal ethics, Evan Hanley, Esq., become the recipients of Count Petofi's eye-opening, epiphanic smooch.

No doubt, there will be other men (and women) who will be afforded an opportunity to "see" themselves clearly and candidly (perhaps, for the first time ever) in the reflected mirror of their lives.

Here are a several other noteworthy individuals, who, I think would benefit enormously from a wet peck on their cheek(s) from that fuzzy-faced  nobleman:

Joey Buttafucco
Claudia Cohen
David Hasselhoff
Michael Jackson
Star Jones
Ricki Lake
Dr. Phil (McGraw)
Sinead O'Connor
Maury Povich - (a/k/a "Mr. Connie Chung")
George Steinbrenner
Gordon Sumner - (a/k/a "Sting")

Can you think of any other individuals who might also benefit from a revelatory "cow-lick" from Count Andrea Petofi (with the assistance of his young surrogate, Jamison Collins)?

Bob the Bartender, who endeavors to live by the philosophy: "To thine own self be true," also the philosophy of that savant/singing sensation, Anson "Potsie Weber" Williams

141
Current Talk '03 I / In Memorian: Julianka, 1876 to 1897
« on: February 06, 2003, 01:21:50 AM »
Yes, it's time to bid adieu to that intriguing minx, Ms. Julianka (whatever the heck, her last name was!).

Julianka was one of those short-lived Dark Shadows characters who, I for one, would have like to have seen been given a longer life span on the show.  She really made a vivid and lasting impression on many Dark Shadows fans during her brief time in Collinsport, ME.

I particularly enjoyed Julianka's foreign, yet always elegant and cultured accent.  Julianka sounded more like Sophia Loren or, possibly, Isabel Allende than some uneducated and itinerant world traveler.  Clearly, Julianka was not burdened with the broken English speech pattern of, say, Magda or Sandor.

I guess it's sort of like the rather puzzling and disparate physical characteristics of those two sisters: the auburn-haired, fair-complected Jenny, and her older sibling, the raven-haired, dark-complected Magda.  (I once read where some wag, impishly speculated that the reason for this puzzling difference was because Jenny, unlike her sister Magda, hailed from the north of Romania!)

Julianka had extremely beautiful eyes and long, lustrous hair.  You know, I always thought that the comely country singer, Crystal Gayle, was the hands down winner of the "Mary Magalene Lenghty Locks Award," but, after seeing Julianka again, I'll re-cast my vote for the diminutive, but definitely Rapunzel-like gypsy woman.

Diana Davila, the young actress who portrayed Julianka, also appeared in the wonderful film comedy "Play It Again, Sam," (which also featured the great Jerry Lacy as the ghost of Bogie).

I'll never forget the scene in which the hopelessly love-starved Woody Allen spots the attractive Ms. Davila, standing in front of a painting in some San Francisco art museum.  Mr. Allen strikes up a conversation and casually asks Ms. Davila's character for a date on Saturday night.  The wonderfully spacy Ms. Davila responds that she'll be busy Saturday night, committing suicide.  To which the desperate Mr. Allen replies," Well, what are you doing on Friday night?"

Arrivederci, Ms, Julianka, I hope you're happy up there, pulling off the"gadjo" in that big gypsy camp in the sky!

Bob the Bartender, honorary member of the Cale tribe.

142
Hey gang,

I'm sure you've all seen those frequently-aired Sci-Fi promos featuring unclothed women.  There's the promo that shows a naked lady, crouched up in the fetal position, inside of an oversized infant (sort of a play on "2001: A Space Odyssey," I suppose).  That's bad enough.

But the Sci-Fi spot showing a beautiful young woman lying nude on her back, on top of some sort of satanic altar is just too much to take.  Talk about gratuitous nudity!  What am I watching, the Sci-Fi Channel or the Spice Channel?

And, what with the advanced state of the art digitalized video capabilities of today, I shudder to think what's coming next, Sci-Fi promos featuring beloved Dark Shadows characters in the buff!!!

I can see it now:  the eminent and tweedy Prof. T. Elliot Stokes, sprawled out au naturel on a bear skin rug, just like actor Burt Reynolds in that famous centerfold in Cosmo Magazine of many years ago.  Just try and imagine it, Prof. Stokes, sporting his trademark monocle (but sans his usual tweedy suit), declaring, "I must say, this is a most 'stimulating' experience."  Oh, the Dark Shadows shame!

Of course, if the good folks at the Sci-Fi Channel wanted to assume a more serious approach, they could emulate the promotional tactics of PETA, the animal rights group that uses nude photographs of famous actresses and fashion models to further its cause.

Perhaps you've seen the PETA advertisement that features actress Charlotte Ross of "NYPD Blue"?  I can envision the bodacious Bathia Mapes in a similar spot:  Ms. Mapes standing in her birthday suit with her back to the camera, while holding a cute bunny rabbit close to her chest, and saying, "I'd rather show my buns than wear fur."  Minerva Trask would be appalled!

Perhaps, the most outrageous Sci-Fi Channel promo would feature Barnabas Collins in the buff, standing in front of the Old House drawing room fireplace, with Mr. B. holding his trademark wolf's head cane in profile, directly in front of him (thereby, providing him with a modicum of decent "coverage").  The caption would quote Barnabas with some appropriately pithy statement, such as: "Serenity is my favorite emotion."  However, the drafty conditions of the Old House might present the photographer with the inevitable "problems" of goose pimples and the like.

I realize that ABC (the network that originally aired everyone's favorite gothic soap opera) has been a pioneer in expanding the mature content of its prime time programming.  Who can forget that famous scene in which "NYPD Blue's" burly, macho Det. Andy Sipowicz is shown taking a shower, and is then joined by his slim and sexy wife, Sylvia, under the hot running water?

I just don't want to see the Sci-Fi Channel copy ABC's provocative style by showing Sandor Racosi singing some lusty gypsy love ballad in the shower, while his willowy and earthy wife, Magda, doffs her duds, and slips into the shower with her hubby, cooing: "Ah, Sandor, you big Romanian grizzly bear, you.  Let Magda scrub your broad and hairy back for you, eh?"  Magda and Sandor starkers.  Yeah...just picture that, if you dare.

Please, leave the bare body look to ABC and the Playboy Channel.  I prefer to see Prof. Stokes, Ms. Mapes and Mr. Barnabas with their pants and knickers on, respectively, so to speak!

Bob the Indignant Bartender, who asks the question: Did they even have hot running showers in 1897?

143
Current Talk '03 I / "And, Now A Word From Our Sponsor..."
« on: January 31, 2003, 12:06:54 AM »
Hey gang,

This is a variation of a very famous TV/radio commercial spot that I wish would be aired:

The camera focuses on a tall, handsome guy sporting sideburns and wearing a long, blue suit as the voice of an off-screen announcer informs us:

"Here's Gold Bond Medicated Body Powder user Quentin Collins of Collinsport, ME.:"

"Whenever the moon is full, I find myself transforming into the hairiest creature the world has ever seen, except, of course, for possibly Cousin It on 'The Adams Family!'"

"Let me tell you, folks, I itch like all heck!  There are parts of my body I have to scratch, that I daresay, no man, woman or child has ever had to scratch, even once in their entire lives (except, of course, for Cousin It!).

"Ladies and gentleman, I feel like I'm enduring the worst possible case of prickly heat as I stand there (or should I day sit on my hindquarters) baying at the full moon from the top of Widow's Hill."

"Thank the good Lord for Gold Bond Medicated Body Powder!  It really is a Godsend.  The powder immediately relieves the awful itching, chafing, and extremely unpleasant, sweaty odor that I used to have to endure during all of those long, moonlit Maine nights.  (Hey, you try 'coping' with all of that thick body hair scrunched up inside of a heavy woolen suit!)."

"So, folks, take it from me, Quentin Collins, charming reprobate extraordinaire, Gold Bond Medicated Body Powder really works!"

"Now, if only the good people at the Gold Bond Company could come up with a product that helps to preserve my one, lone blue suit from wear and tear!"

"Aaah....Oooh, Werewolf of Collinsport, draws blood!"

144
Current Talk '03 I / That's Amore!
« on: January 28, 2003, 07:45:23 PM »
Hey gang,

Well, it didn't take long for Gregory and Judith to take the plunge, did it?  (I'd have thought that the reverend could have at least have waited until his first wife, Minerva, was settled in her grave for an entire month before tying the knot with Judith, IMHO.)

Nevertheless, the union of Gregory Trask and Judith Collins (a marriage truly made in Heaven!) is destined to join the pantheon of great romantic couples of history, timeless couples such as: Caesar and Cleopatra, Napoleon and Josephine, Liz and Dick, Joanie Cunningham and Chachi Arcola (and, possibly, even J.LO and Ben Affleck!).

Maybe the Romance Channel will produce a full-length movie on the blissful pairing of "Greg and Judy."  Possible titles mignt include "The Marriage of an Avaricious Vicar" or "The Taming of a Parsimonious Shrew."

Of course, the Rev. Trask must be delighted at his second chance for happiness (not to mention, a shot at Judith's hefty bank account) so late in life.  The reverend's "ninth inning" joie de vivre, is, perhaps, best expressed by one of the 20th century's greatest philosophers, Mr. Dino Crocetti, who observed:

"When you walk in a dream, but you know you're not    
 dreaming, signore.
 Scuse me, but you see, back in old Napoli,
 That's amore!"

Bob the Bartender, who asks the question if Judith Collins-Trask is the Martha Stewart (or more likely, the Leona Helmsley) of the 19th century?

145
hey gang,

We've seen Dirk Wilkins transform (some might use the word devolve) from a somewhat resentful grounds keeper ("Why should the prodigal son, Quentin Collins, get all of those women?"), to Laura Collins' lackey, and finally to a "confused" creature of the night.

You would think that Dirk, now being a supernatural godfather (so to speak), would forget about Laura and spread his vespertilian wings in search of new, "fertile" territory.  Dirk could head south to a city with a much warmer climate, say, Atlanta.  No, on second thought, that fellow Thomas Rathburn controls that "territory."  And, forget about New Orleans.  Dirk would never get along with that toffee-nosed Lestadt.

Dirk seems content to schlep along in Collinsport, pining for that insufferable Laura Collins.  (God, what a bore!)  I will say one thing for Dirk; He's the only creature of the night to accomplish the "vampiric hat trick," specifically, biting three, count 'em THREE victims in the space of one night!  (Wayne Gretsky and Gordie Howe, not to mention Count Dracula, would be greatly impressed by Dirk's noteworthy achievement.)

By the way, Dirk's vampire "attack" on Tim Shaw is a Dark Shadows landmark of sorts.  It is, I believe, the first time that a male vampire bites another man on the neck.  (Barnabas' earlier attack" on Dirk doesn't count because Mr. B. was in his "flying bat" state when he noshed on Dirk's throat.)

Actor John Karlen once recounted, that back in 1967, the Dark Shadows producers felt that Barnabas should bite Willie Loomis on the wrist (rather than on the throat) when Willie first opened Barnabas' coffin.

Apparently, the Dark Shadows powers that be (or were) felt America was now ready and sophisticated enough to see the aftereffects of a "same-sex" vampire attack/hickey in 1967 (or 1897).

Of course, the Dark Shadows viewers would also get to see a "same-sex" attack/hickey involving two women in 1970.  (After all, turnabout is fair play, but much more about that later.)

In any event, regardless of Mr. Wilkins' status/position, Dirk is most definitely a jerk(/nitwit)!

Michael Kelso, the handsome but unbelievably blockheaded character of That '70s Show may be the 20th Century's answer to Dirk Wilkins.

Kelso is a young guy who jumps for joy when he hears the ringing of the bells of the Good Humor truck as it makes its way up the block; Kelso is also a guy who keeps his impatient girlfriend waiting to be picked up after work, until he sees the last few minutes of an episode of The Jetsons ( Hey, what's wrong with that?).  Kelso is a guy (much like Quentin Collins) who apparently suffers from a severe case of satyriasis, and cannot remain faithful to his significant other.

So, who's the bigger nitwit, "Daffy" Dirk Wilkins or "Moronic" Michael Kelso?  It's really a tough call.  It's like that joke Joan Rivers once told about voting in the 1996 presidential election.  Said the mordant Ms. Rivers: "Voting for either Bill Clinton or Bob Dole is sort of like choosing your favorite Menedez brother (Lyle or Eric)!

Bob the Bartender

PS How about Los Angeles as a new base of operations for the vampiric Dirk?  Nah, that other creature of the night (and one groovy dude) Blacula reigns supreme in the city of the angels.

146
Hey gang,

So far, we've seen the extremely narcissistic Mr. Evan Hanley, Esq., attempt to summon some hopefully, helpful evil spirits on two separate occasions.

The first time, Evan inadvertently conjured up the decidely, independently-minded Angelique Bouchard-Collins, who, promptly rendered Evan mute (something, I think we all wish Angelique would also do to Kelly Ripa!).

The second time, while Evan was trying to contact Satan in a failed attempt to cure Quentin's really bad case of lycanthropy, who walks in, but the "righteous" Rev. Gregory Trask himself!  (You know, if Evan had any luck at all, it would probably be all bad.)

Of course, I won't go into Evan's next clumsy foray into an act of incantation (suffice it to say, that the attempt blows up in Evan's kisser, figuratively and literally!).

Let's hope that Evan is a far better litigator than he is a so-called "necromancer."  (Hey, check that word out in your Webster's Dictionary!)

You know, I don't believe that we ever get to see Evan present a case in court (as we did with the original Rev. Trask, among others, on Dark Shadows).  

I wonder where Evan received his legal education?  Perhaps Evan attended Harvard University or the equally-esteemed Yale University.  However, I suspect that Evan graduated from that other renowned school of law, the "sister institution" of the world famous Cleveland Institute of Electronics or C.I.E. (also a frequent commercial sponsor on the Sci-Fi Channel), the highly prestigious Cleveland Institute of Jurisprudence!

Yes, old C.I.J., a hallowed academic institution that can rightfully crow about its outstanding faculty, chosen from the finest legal scholars, litigators and legislators in our nation, men and women such as:

Leslie Abramson
Gloria Allred
F. Lee Bailey
Arnie Becker
Johnnie Cochrane
Al Damato
Charles Dawson
John Dean
Alan Dershowitz
Webb Hubbell
Robert Kardashian
Ally McBeal
John Mitchell
Janet Reno
Arlen Specter
and Robert Torricelli, to name but a few.

I believe that it can be confidently stated, that as a result of his formative years at C.I.J., Mr. Evan Hanley, Esq., upholds the highest standards of both moral probity and legal "ethics."

Bob the Bartender, who readily apologizes to any JD's or "necromancers," who I may have offended by this posting.

147
Hey gang,

Does the brash, worldy-wise Ned Stuart (a guy who seems to just barge right into other people's places of abode) really bug you?

Or, perhaps, do those all-too-energetic young Dell computer interns give you a case of agita?  I mean, the positively upbeat, grinning Steve was bad enough, but those aggressively-competitive, "uber" obsequious interns are just too much to stomach.  Heck, I haven't seen such proficient fanny-kissing since Larry King (the nonpareil "King of all Fanny-Kissers") planted a wet one on Yassar Arafat decrepit caboose several years ago!

I just love seeing all of those aspiring dot.com yuppies sniping at one another.  (The scene where the "assertive," young woman, in an all-too-obvious attempt to curry favor with her supervisor, bad-mouths the customer support personnel in front of her fellow interns, is, in a word, marvelous.)  It's enough to bring a smile to even Mordecai Grimes' saturnine kisser.  

Maybe Dell should play the great O'Jay song, "The Back Stabbers," in the background when Dell airs its next commercial featuring those enterprising and Machiavellian interns?

Bob the Bartender, former paramour of the late, lamemted Donna Friedlander.  

148
Current Talk '02 II / What Do You Think Is Going On With Nicholas Blair?
« on: September 30, 2002, 03:37:41 PM »
Hey gang,

It's been a few weeks since we've seen Collinsport's greatest strutting popinjay, "kvelling" for the benefit of Maggie Evans.  I wonder what punishments Diabolos has in store for Nicky B. (who, screwed up Big Time with the Adam and Eve experiment/fiasco)?

Maybe Diabolos has placed Nicholas in one of those cauldrons of boiling oil that were described in Dante's Inferno?  However, in this case, Diabolos has Nicholas standing upside down in that cauldron of boiling oil.  Of course, to twist the knife a bit more, so to speak,  Diabolos has Angelique stirring Nicholas' cauldron with a canoe-sized paddle to insure maximum heat production.

Then again, perhaps Diabolos has Nicholas' arms and legs (not to mention other body appendages, which we won't go into) stretched out on the always dependable 12th century rack.  For additional torture, Diabolos has installed one of those magical mirrors (just like the one Nicky had in the House by the Sea) for Nicholas' viewing "enjoyment."

Diabolos could possibly zoom into, say, a view of Maggie Evans on a recent date.  How about a shot of  Maggie and Barnabas walking hand-in-hand on a romantic stroll on the path leading to Widow's Hill?  

I'm sure Nicholas would get a big thrill out of seeing Maggie and Willie Loomis enjoying a quiet, intimate dinner at Bob Rooney's Blue Whale Tavern: "Hey, Willie.  Would you and Maggie like to 'supersize' those two bowls of clam chowder?"

But perhaps the most "heartening" scene for Nicholas to observe, would be to see Maggie in the back seat of Roger Collins' snazzy, striped 1966 Mustang.  Not with Roger Collins, mind you.  No, Maggie "canoodling" in the back seat of Roger's car with none other than Harry Johnson!

Of course, as Nicholas is witnessing this "happy" scene, stretched out on that rack, the sound of the late, great Harry Chapin is heard in the background, intoning his classic hit, "Taxi":  

"We learned about love in the back of a Dodge.  The lesson hadn't gone too far." ( Although, in this case, the lesson in the back of Roger's Mustang had gone to its full "completion.")

I think that Nicholas would have expressed Dr. Smith's frequent lament from "Lost In Space": "Oh, the pain!"

Can you think of any other diversions/games that Diabolos might have in store for Nicholas during his time of "penance"?

Bob the Bartender, who, like Jenny and Oliver in "Love Story," reminds you that: "Love means never having to say that you're sorry."

149
Current Talk '02 II / The Wyndcliff "Shuttle"
« on: September 23, 2002, 04:03:12 PM »
Hey gang,

When the extremely shy and self-effacing George Steinbrenner took over the Yankees during the early 1970's, he started an air link between Yankee Stadium and Columbus, OH, known as the "Columbus Shuttle."

Whenever a young Yankee ballplayer committed an egregious error or served up the winning pitch to the opposing batter, Mr. Steinbrenner would dispatch the "offending" ballplayer to the Yankees' minor league team, the Columbus Clippers in the so-called "New York Minute.".

Well, I think that the good Dr. Julia Hoffman may have initiated a similar connection between Collinsport and her hospital/clinic, Wyndcliff.  

We all have been led to believe that Julia remains in Collinsport because she carries one of the world's biggest torches for Barnabas (even bigger than the torch that Puff Daddy still carries for J. Lo, if that's humanly possible).  However, I suspect that there is a far more practical reason for the learned psychiatrist's continued presence at Collinwood.  So far, we've seen several residents of Collinwood assigned to Julia's hospital, Maggie, Willie, Mrs. Stoddard, Barnabas, and Molly, I mean, Amy come to mind.  (After today, yet another familiar face makes that trek on the Wyndcliff Shuttle.)

Am I being terribly cynical and awful to suggest that the beloved Dr. Julia Hoffman remains in town because she recognizes that Collinsport is a veritable gold mine of seemingly never-ending patients for her hospital?  (Believe me, there are even more Collinsport residents who will make that short trip to Wyndcliff before the series concludes.)  If Barnabas never responds to Julia's subtle "hints," then why the heck does she stay in town?

Of course, I want to believe that Julia remains in Collinsport for purely selfless and noble reasons.  Just because Collinsport affords Julia a steady stream of patients/customers is no reason to think that she would stay for purely venal reasons.  What do you think?

Bob the Bartender, who hopes that another one of his heroes is not shown to be primarily concerned with filling her "deep pockets."

150
Current Talk '02 II / A Comment On The Collinsport Star
« on: September 18, 2002, 04:19:58 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

From time to time, we've caught glimpses of the front page of the Collinsport Star.  I believe when Maggie Evans disappeared, the headline of the newspaper read: "LOCAL GIRL STILL MISSING."  You have to wonder how extensively (and persistently) the reporters of the Collinsport Star covered/investigated  all of the truly amazing "occurrences" in that tiny New England fishing village.

To briefly recap, Adam is wanted for the assaults on Joe Haskell, Jeff Clark and Sam Evans (which resulted in the death of Collinsport's finest artist).  A striking woman's (Eve) body was found strangled to death in the now-departed Jeff Clark's apartment.  Of course, local handyman Tom Jennings died after apparently being "afflicted" with the same disease that Maggie had "contracted" several years before.

The recent brutal murders of Collinsport Inn night manager Mr. Wells and of the unnamed Blue Whale Tavern barmaid have caused Sheriff Paterson to lose whatever remaining hair that he still had on the top of his head.  The sudden, unexpected deaths of millionaire Burke Devlin and the beloved town doctor, Dave Woodard, have only added to the air of mystery and dread swirling about the town.

Are there no aspiring Woodwards and Bernsteins on the staff of the Collinsort Star who will indefatigably investigate and track down the facts surrounding all of these perplexing stories?  You'd think that a reporter named Woodward would want to look into the untimely death of Dr. Dave Woodard?  (Okay, I realize that the last names aren't exactly the same, but, they're close enough!)

The Collinsport Star really needs a hardened, nose-for-news veteran reporter like the great Carl Kolchak to  relentlessly pursue all of these incredible news stories.  Kolchak would leave no stone unturned as he tracked down leads.  If Roger Collins thought that Tony Petersen, Esq. was a pain-in-the-tuches representing aggrieved Collins Cannery employees, Roger would have experienced the ultimate pain-in-the-caboose after having to contend with the seemingly tireless Mr. Kolchak in pursuit of a story.  (Kolchak would seem like a permanent fixture at the front door of Collinwood, not to mention the entrance to the Collins Cannery.)  You can bet that Kolchak would have found a way to investigate Nicholas Blair and sneak into that spooky pad of his, the House by the Sea.

I suppose that the editor of the Collinsport Star is content to have his/her reporters cover light-hearted, local interest stories.  The headline of a "really big" news story would probably read: "THE BIG SECRET BEHIND SARAH JOHNSON'S PRIZE WINNING RECIPE IN THE HANCOCK COUNTY FAIR BLUEBERRY PIE CONTEST!"  Of course, if the editor wanted to adopt a more sensational, salacious style of journalism (ala The New York Post), the headline might proclaim: "ROGER & CASSANDRA COLLINS: IT'S SPLITSVILLE!"

Donald Fagen and Walter Becker of Steely Dan fame, may have expressed it best in their song, "Barrytown", in how we should regard newspaper coverage of the days events:

"Don't believe I'm taken in by stories I have heard,
I just read the Daily News and swear by every word."

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, whose day just isn't complete without reading the news/gossip from those two great ladies of the fourth estate, Liz Smith and Cindy Adams.  "Only in New York, kids, only in New York!"

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