Hey gang,

As Buzz Hackett might put it: "That dude, Inspector Hamilton, he ain't no Sheriff Patterson!"

Yes, while the inspector is a tall, articulate and impeccably attired sleuth, the sheriff is a husky, laconic ("just-the-facts, ma'am"), uniformed flatfoot.

Inspector Hamilton impresses me as the sort of cerebral criminal investigator who enjoys reading Thoreau's "The Maine Woods, " or the latest issue of "The New Yorker" during his free time.  Whereas Sheriff Patterson impresses me as the sort of "regular guy" criminal investigator who enjoys reading Mickey Spillane's "I, the Jury," or the latest issue of "True Magazine" during his off-duty hours.

Parallel Time's Inspector Hamilton and Real Time's  Sheriff George Patterson, two entirely disparate senior police officials.  As different as Lord Peter Wymsey is from "Popeye" Doyle.  As antipodal in their investigative techniques as Inspector Morse is from Detective Andy Sipowicz.

Yet, they are both dedicated lawmen, determined to relentlessly track down the wanted culprit, be it PT Quentin or RT Adam (albeit, unfortunately up to now, without much success!).

Bob the Bartender, who wonders: Who done it to Carolyn?

Hey gang,

Barnabas was sure quick to surmise that those "CN" cuff links belonged to the mysterious Claude North.  Nevertheless, shouldn't Mr. B. have given some thought to the possibility that "CN" might have been some other person?

For example, how about the Parallel Time counterparts for these good folks:

1. Chuck Norris - the renowned karate maven
2. Carry Nation the great temperance crusader
3. Chester Nimitz - heroic Navy admiral
4. Charlie Neal -former Dodger second baseman
5. Czar Nicholas - deposed grand ruler of Russia

Can you think of any other possible "CN's" that may be tied to Roxanne, the enigmatic young woman with the same Jane Fonda "shag hair" style look from the flick, "Klute"?

Bob the Bartender, who wonders if PT Collinsport already had "CNN" on their cable system?

Hey gang,

We heard Angelique tell her father Timothy that she had to "embrace" some complete stranger and literally absorb the warmth out of him to remain "alive."

Who do you think that the poor, unfortunate slob was?  I first thought of Steve, the dim-witted, guttersnipe dockworker, who had been romantically pursuing Buffy Harrington.  Steve impresses with me as just the right kind of dolt who would fall prey to "Angelexis" charms?

Do you have any other suggestions as to whom this chilled-out klutz could have been?

Bob the Bartender, who thinks that "Angelexis'" theme song should be "Cold as Ice."

Yes, it's time to bid a fond farewell to Mr. Horace Gladstone, late of Boston, MA.

We did not get to see a great deal of this highly enigmatic character during the Parallel Time storyline.  Nevertheless, I think that we were able to determine that Horace was a very complex man with many hidden talents and interests.  For example, in addition to Horace's extensive understanding of the principles of chemistry, Horace displayed great powers of observation, on a scale greatly reminiscent of the legendary consulting detective himself, Mr. Sherlock Holmes. (Who can forget Gladstone's brilliant use of deductive reasoning in uncovering Dr. Longworth's deep, dark secret?)

Of course, Horace Gladstone's professional relationship with Angelique Stokes-Collins only further illustrates his wide range of interests in eclectic "disciplines."

The demise of Horace Gladstone marks the final appearance of actor John Harkins on Dark Shadows.  Mr. Harkins, a fine character actor, had previously portrayed both Garth Blackwood and Mr. Strak on the program.

By the way, you know that you're an obsessed Dark Shadows fan when you recognize former DS actors in their other acting gigs.  Years after Dark Shadows had been cancelled, while watching Peter Sellers and Shirley MacLaine in the film comedy, "Being There," with some friends in a movie theater, I saw a familiar face up on the screen.  "Hey, it's Garth Blackwood!" I shouted, in recognition of the distinguished-looking actor (Mr. Harkins) portraying a Washington Post journalist.  To which one of my friends responded: "Who the 'expletive-deleted' is Garth Blackwood?"

So, as Horace Gladstone enters that pantheon of departed and beloved Dark Shadows supporting characters (Buzz Hackett, Donna Friedlander and Jeff Clark to name but a few), I will always cherish my impressions of this truly fascinating Dark Shadows character; an impression of an intense (if not obsessed) middle-aged scientist hurriedly exiting a Times Square movie theater, still wearing his trademark and "de rigueur" raincoat.   Or the deep-seated impression that that prominent cut on the right side of Horace Gladstone's face has left on me over the years.  (Perhaps Horace was the unfortunate "recipient" of a Jim Beam bottle, that Buffy Harrington had savagely tossed at him, as Horace was peering through Buffy's bedroom window, no doubt, in trying to track down the elusive John Yeager?)

Au revoir, Mr. Gladstone.  You have upheld the highest professional standards of the world's greatest chemists.  We can now add the name of Horace Gladstone to those of Marie Curie, John Dalton and Linus Pauling.  Yes, Horace Gladstone, indefatigable scientist and former manager of an adult bookstore and novelety shop in the so-called "combat zone" of Boston, Massachusetts.  Horace Gladstone, of whom it may be truly said: "He was banned in Boston!"

Hey gang,

Okay, we all know that little Amy has becomed frightened after staying in the gloomy, great house of Collinwood.  (Can you blame her?)

However, Amy's big brother Chris, an evidently successful and handsome attorney, is reluctant to have his little sister stay with him at his house.  (Can you blame him?)  After all, Chris is a "wild and crazy guy," intent on enjoying the swinging, single lifestyle of a young man about town (or, should I say, about Collinsport!).

So, I think that we can all understand why Chris would probably agree with Quentin's decision to have Amy spend some time with cousins Carolyn and Will up at Loomis House.

By the way, isn't it reassuring to see that "Parallel Time" Amy is the same infectiously charming and precocious child that "Real Time" Amy is/was?

Bob the Bartender

PS Hey, what the heck happened to Chris' brother, Tom?  Maybe Tom is the night manager/bartender at the Kit Kat Lounge over in Rockport, ME.

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Yes, happy Friday the thirteenth to all of you good people out there, who are afraid to walk under a ladder, cringe at  the thought of having a black cat cross your path, and, most of all, absolutely blanch white at the prospect of being assaulted by Bruno Hess' unbelievably "heaping" head of hair!

On another note, I'm delighted to inform you all, that P.T. Quentin Collins has agreed to admit himself for some much-needed treatment at the world famous Bobby Knight Clinic for Anger Management.

This highly renowned institution (named after the former, volatile head coach of the Univ. of Indiana basketball team) is a sister institution of the greatly respected Betty Ford Clinic for Substance Abuse.  (Incidentally, this is another fine clinic that may prove to be of inestimable help to both the brandy-loving Quentin, and, Quentin's dipsomaniacal cousin, Roger Collins.)

Of course, the Bobby Knight Clinic for Anger Management has helped scores of "Type A" personalities with their "temper issues," explosive luminaries such as former NFL player and coach Mike Ditka, supermodel Naomi Campbell and recovering road-rage sufferer/actor Jack Nicholson, to name but a few.

So, hopefully, the clinic will be able to help P.T. Maggie Evans' new husband to resolve his anger issues, and to help Quentin lose his unfortunately well-deserved nickname of "Mr. Misanthropy."

Finally, I hope that Carolyn Stoddard Hawkes will be okay.  First,  Carolyn loses that once-in-a-lifetime, dream job she had secured just before the Todd Antique Shop went up in smoke like Bathia Mapes.  And, now, Carolyn has become a very young, albeit, a still very fetching widow.  What a bummer!

By the way, if Carolyn and Jeb had been "blessed" with a child, what the heck do you think their "offspring" would have looked like?  (Somehow, I think that "baby" Jeb would have had a strong resemblance to the so-called "snake-boy" from the Strother Martin sci-fi flick, "Sssss.")

I do regret not being there "today," when on June 13, the former Leviathan leader took that final nosedive off of Widows' Hill.  I think that I would have liked to have shouted something appropriate to him as he neared the jagged rocks below, say, something like: "Hey, Jeb, baby.  Beware the ides of June!!!"

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, President of the Official Lovelady Powell Fan Club.

Hey gang,

As a public service (and, as the 1897 storyline regretably nears its denouement), I would like to review the specific rules of the Ten Commandments, that the Rev. Trask has flagrantly violated during his time at Collinwood:

Vl.  Thou Shalt Not Kill.

Initially, the Rev. Trask enlisted the services of Evan Hanley, long-time attorney and semi-proficient practitioner of the Black Arts, to "program" Latin teacher Tim Shaw in a Manchurian Candidate-like murder of Minerva Trask, the reverend's diffident and kindly wife of many years.

Later, the reverend, in a last, desperate attempt to maintain control over Collinwood, strikes a deal with a particularly feckless fop to "off" wife number two.  Clearly, the Rev. Trask has broken this commandment.

Vll.  Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.

Whew!  Where do I start with this obvious moral transgression?  The "randy" reverend has hit on just about every woman in and around Collinsport.  To quickly review this extensive list, we have: Rachell Drummond, Dorcas Trilling, assorted lonely but wealthy widows, and, of course, one very voluptuous young woman by the name of Ms. Amanda Harris.

Can we ever forget the Rev. Trask's all-too-obvious and transparent offer to "mentor" Ms. Harris in her hour of "spiritual need"?  I mean, how disgusting was it to see this over-the-hill and over-sexed coot hit on this beautiful and beguiling young woman?  And, haven't we all seen this sordid and shameful scene played out before on a much larger stage?  (I wonder if "Gregory," being the incurable romantic that he is, also, ever sent a copy of Walt Whitman's book of poetry, "Leaves Of Grass," to his comely "charge," Ms. Harris?)

Vlll.  Thou Shalt Not Steal.

You really have to admire the reverend's gradual "progression" of thievery as he continually violated this commandment with increasing skill and cunning.

Initially, the reverend was content to cheat teachers Rachell Drummond and Tim Shaw out of some of the meager wages owed to them as employees of Trask's school, Worthington Hall.

Later, the reverend "graduated" to ripping off lonely and affluent widows of their financial assets.  Of course, the Rev. Trask hit the big time when he conned Judith Collins into marrying him, thereby, giving him spousal control over Collinwood and its vast financial empire.

Trask's proficiency in defrauding people reminds me of some words of advice that Professor "Lombardi," my college auditing professor, gave us many years ago.  Said the CPA to my class:  "Ladies and gentlemen, if you're going to commit fraud, never steal anything small.  If you are going to risk serious time in a federal penitentiary, always go for the large amount!"  Somehow, I think that Professor "Lombardi" would have approved of the scope of the Rev. Trask's lack of probity.

IX.  Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor.

Remarkably, the Rev. Trask only violated this commandment once, when he tried to set up the learned but vainglorious Tim Shaw for the murder of the first Mrs. Gregory Trask, the mother of the formerly frigid Charity Trask.

X.  Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's House, Nor His Wife, Nor His Maidservant, Nor His Ox, Nor His Ass, Nor Anything That Is Thy Neighbor's.

What can I say about this commandment?  Is there anything that the Rev. Trask has NOT coveted/lusted after?

Given time, I suspect that Lady Kitty, Beth Chavez (if she had lived) and just about every other attractive lady in the entire state of Maine would have been a potential conquest for Dark Shadows' own version of Tartuffe.

In conclusion, I think that the Rev. Gregory Trask (who, by my count has broken, at least,  five of the Ten Commandments) is, arguably, the most loathsome character ever to appear on Dark Shadows.  I mean, Gregory Trask even makes Jason McGuire look like Father Flannagan, by comparison!

If Trask continued on with his ignominious behavior, there would have been the necessity for two more commandments, specifically:

XI.  Thou Shalt Not Consort With Disciples Of The Devil.

and

XII.  Thou Shalt Not Plot To Drive Thy Wife Bananas, Or, Failing That, "Offing" Thy Old Lady.

Bob the Bartender, who wonders if the Sci-Fi program "Scare Tactics" (hosted by the vivacious Shannon Doherty) will have as long and succesful a run as "The Dream Team" (hosted by the mysterious Annabelle Gurwitch and that guy with the extremely bad hair style)?

Hey gang,

When I first saw Count Petofi pull off the old "switcheroo" with Quentin way back in 1969, I really could not relate to Quentin's predicament.

Nevertheless, with the passage of nearly thirty-four years, I now have a different "perspective" on Quentin's superannuated state.  Here, then, are ten change of life "adjustments," that Quentin is likely to experience:

-1-  You no longer order those  sleek and stylish gabardine trousers from the Lands' End  catalog, rather you now opt for a pair of those infinitely more practical (not to mention comfortable) polyester slacks with the s-t-r-e-t-c-h elastic waist from the Haband catalog.

-2-  You can now fully relate to the pithy words of former Sen. Bob Dole, who decared in that memorable commercial: "It takes courage to talk about E.D."

-3-  Instead of looking forward to receiving the next issue of Playboy Magazine in the mail, you now look forward to receiving the next issue of the AARP Modern Maturity Magazine in the mail.

-4-  While you used to take great joy in bounding up and down that long, steep staircase in the foyer of the great house of Collinwood (with much elan, I might add!), you now give serious consideration to installing one of those extremely helpful electric stair-lifts in the Collinwood foyer.

-5-  Now that you are sporting Count Petofi's long, flowing beard and will, no doubt, have to periodically trim those bushy whiskers, you will now also have to periodically trim all of those copious hairs, sprouting out of your one-hundred-and-fifty year old ears.  (You might want to buy one of those Sharper Image Turbo-Groomer Nose and Ear Trimmers.  They really work great!)

-6-  Instead of remembering to splash on some Grey Flannel Cologne before leaving for a fun-filled evening at the Blue Whale Tavern, you now strive to remember to take your daily dose of Metamucil, before sauntering off to the checkers tournament at the Collinsport "Young At Heart" Senior Citizens Club.

-7-  If you happen to "overdo" it with too many glasses of iced tea, you will now understand what former Vice President Al Gore was talking about, when, he spoke of taking frequent "bathroom breaks" during a prolonged White House meeting.

-8-  Instead of packing for a wild and crazy trip of uninhibited, bacchanalian excess at the Sandals Resort and Spa at Negril Beach in Jamaica, you now look forward to packing for an Elder Hostel-sponsored trip to Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland, to study the works of Joyce, Shaw and Wilde.

-9-  While you used to enjoy a late-night snifter of brandy, as you listened to the evocative sounds of "Shadows Of The Night" on your grammophone player, you now enjoy a late-night glass of prune juice, as you listen to the melancholy sound of Frank Sinatra crooning "It Was A Very Good Year."

-10-  When you take that increasingly longer siesta every afternoon, you will now take a nap just like the type that President Ronald Reagan used to enjoy in the Oval Office of the White House (specifically, a nap taken alone, and, most definitely, by yourself), and NOT the kind of "communal" nap, that other presidents have been rumored to have enjoyed in the Oval Office of the White House!

Can you think of any other change of life "adjustments," that Quentin is apt to experience in his new/old body?

Bob the Bartender, who thinks, that many of the celebrities at last night's Academy Awards telecast, are, no doubt, experiencing their own change of life "adjustments."