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Topics - Bob_the_Bartender

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106
Current Talk '03 II / The Top Ten List...
« on: December 31, 2003, 11:31:31 PM »
...Of Television Programs To Watch, Now That The Sci-Fi Channel Has Pulled The Plug On Dark Shadows:

(1) Tune into Carleton Sheets' "Get Rich Through Real Estate Purchases Infomercial."  (If Burke Devlin could make his first million that way, why can't any of us do it too?)

(2) Watch both ABC's "Good Morning America" and NBC's "Today Show."  (See who can affect more "sincerity" and "empathy" while interviewing a guest, Diane "The Ice Queen" Sawyer or Katie Couric, the undisputed "Queen of Perkiness.")

(3) Check out C-Span's "Washington Journal" with the always equable Brian Lamb.  (Familiarize yourself with the political platforms of both Congressman Dennis Kucinich and the Rev. Al Sharpton before their respective presidential campaigns, not to mention their respective political careers, fade into oblivion a la Harold Stassen and Ross Perot.)

(4) Turn on the Weather Channel.  (See if that perpetual thunderstorm front over Hancock County, Maine, home county of the mythical and beloved town of Collinsport, Maine, has, in fact , ever shown any sign of moving out to sea like even Bill Malloy's corpse eventually did.)

(5) Tune into ESPN's "Body Shaping Show."  (Endeavor to get in shape by getting off of that couch and forcing your overweight and over-aged body to do all of those aerobic and body building exercises along with Kiana, Mary-Jean, Page, Rick, Jennifer, Kendall and the rest of the gang on the show!)

(6) Put on the morning repeats of "Nash Bridges" on the USA Network.  (Check out how cool Don Johnson still is, and marvel at how that perfectly-tailored vest under his suit almost conceals that late, fifty-something paunch of his.  Come to think of it,  the aging, former star of "Miami Vice" might want to check out ESPN's "Body Shaping Show" too!)

(7) Turn on MSNBC's "Imus In The Morning Show."   (See if the "I-Man" can stay awake, let alone sentient, for the entire program.)

(8) Watch the Ronco Rotisserie Grill Infomercial in its entirety.  (Of course, the host/inventor of this wonderful product is the esteemed Ron Popeil, who also invented the renowned "GLH-9 Hair Treatment," which many of the male characters/actors in the recent 1840 story line, apparently, took "full" use of!

While watching Mr. Popeil painstakingly explain and demonstrate, how quickly and effectively the Ronco Rotisserie Grill can cook even a large Thanksgiving Day turkey in less than half the time of an ordinary conventional oven, think of how Willie Loomis could have used one, plugged via extension cord from the Old House, into the cigarette lighter of Barnabas' Cadillac Eldorado, cooking Willie's nightly meal of hot dogs and a can of B&M Baked Beans.

And, just imagine how quickly Mrs. Johnson could have butchered the much-anticipated ham dinner at Collinwood on Easter Sunday.  Yes, Mrs. Johnson brings new meaning to the famous Ronco Rotisserie Grill motto: "Just Set It and Forget It!" like, "Just Set It and Ruin It!").

(9) Detemine whether "Live With Regis and Kelly" or "Living It up With Ali and Jack" routinely gets the vaunted "A-List" guests on their show, such as Bill Murray, Beyonce Knowles and Shirley MacLaine or the dreaded "B-List" guests, such as Antonio Sabato, Jr., Salt N' Peppa and the always irrepressible Mario Cantone.  (My money is on Mr. Philbin and Ms. Ripa for getting the "numero uno" guests on their show!)

(10) Finally, tune into "Simply Quilts" on HGTV.  (See if you can follow the nice lady's directions so that you can finally sew your own God-damned version of that unbelievably ubiquitous patterned quilt, that appeared even more frequently than either dirtbag Buzz Hackett or that always convivial bartender, Bob Rooney, ever did, on four-plus years of Dark Shadows!!!)

107
Calendar Events / Announcements '03 II / New Year's Eve: 2003
« on: December 31, 2003, 10:24:23 PM »
Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

December 31, 2003 is a landmark date in that it signifies, for many of us, the fifth year in which we have been posting messages on the Dark Shadows Forums.

During that time, I have always been impressed by the unfailing cordiality that the members of the Dark Shadows Forums have accorded to one another.  Of course, the level of discourse has been one of great civility and respect for the other person's point of view.

It is truly remarkable that what began as a lifelong affection for a television program we watched as young kids over thirty years ago, has evolved into long-standing friendships for many of us via the internet.  The debt of gratitude we all owe to Midnite and the Mysterious Benefactor for providing us with this exceptional forum is, indeed, incalculable.

So, as the Irish are wont to express it, I would like to wish "Athbhliain Faoi Mhaise Dhut!" ("A Prosperous New Year!") to: Birdie, Blue Whale Barfly, Cassandra, Castlebee, Ringo Collins, Gerard, Annie Holic, Jennifer, Julia99, Dr. Eric Lang, Luciaphil, Minja, Patti, Mark Rainey, Raineypark, Craig Slocum, Prof. Stokes, Robin V, and of course, VAM.

And, as my own late grandfather used to say at this time of year: "Slainte Chugat!" ("Good Health To You All!").

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender


108
Current Talk '03 II / Here Come De Judge!
« on: November 12, 2003, 02:09:47 AM »
Hey gang,

Talk about fever-pitched excitement!  It's almost too much that Quentin Collins I is facing trial as a warlock (the first witchcraft trial in Maine in nearly 150 years), but to top it off, the presiding judge at the inquest of Randall Drew's death is none other than the honorable Wiley, the Pine Tree State's greatest jurist, bar none!

Yes, Wiley (a/k/a "Wily Wiley"), a man whose idea of having a good time on Saturday night, is reading the Uniform Commercial Code while enjoying a non-alcoholic, hot toddy just before retiring for the evening.

Of course, I would be extremely remiss not to acknowledge the wonderful (not to mention, much-anticipated) return of the actor portraying Judge Wiley, Mr. Addison Powell, Dark Shadows' greatest recurring guest star/character actor, IMHO.

Yes, Addison Powell, the man who wowed us all as 1797's sagacious Judge Matigan, 1968's delightfully demented Dr. Eric Lang, and now in 1840, as the learned Judge Wiley, perhaps Mr. Powell's greatest Dark Shadows performance ever!

Regrettably, Judge Wiley will not preside over the three-man tribunal to determine if Quentin is, in fact, a warlock. That weighty responsibility will fall upon the shoulders of Judge Vail (a very sullen and unimaginative jurist, IMHO).

Yet, I can't help thinking that the Dark Shadows writers missed out on a golden opportunity to provide the fans of Dark Shadows with a compelling courtroom drama during the final weeks of the program.  Imagine, if you will, that Judge Wiley, rather than Judge Vail, is the presiding judge at Quentin's warlock trial.  And, instead of the dour Desmond Collins as Quentin's defense attorney, we get to see the shocking (and, I might add triumphant) return of Jeffrey Clark (a/k/a Peter Bradford) as Quentin Collins' estimable counsel?

Oh, what unremitting joy for all Dark Shadows fans as we get to see, once more, the uproarious mirth and mayhem of Lang & Clark, this time in the incarnation of those two loony legal eagles, Wiley & Clark!

Can you imagine how "animated" Jeff Clark (a/k/a "Mr. Vicky Winters") would be in his spirited defense of his falsely-accused client?  No doubt, Counselor Clark would employ his finest histrionic gestures and techniques to convince the tribunal of Quentin's innocence.  I can just see the sixty-something Mr. Clark grabbing his still lustrous head-of-hair (now a radiant shade of battleship gray) as he beseeches the tribunal to consider Quentin's high moral standing and reputation in the community when they consider the evidence against him.

I daresay that, in a last ditch effort to save Quentin, Jeff would employ the so-called "spaghetti defense," that attorney Johnnie Cochran used so masterfully during his succesful homicide trial defense of Orenthal James Simpson, a true high point in American jurisprudence!

Of course, Judge Wiley would be the epitome of the perspicacious arbiter, a man (or woman) determined to insure that true justice be achieved according to the prescribed rules of the tribunal (and looking oh-so-cool with that new "mod" hairstle and those groovy sideburns of his).

Yes, indeed, what may have been.  Nevertheless, I think that we can all agree that Addison Powell hit, yet, another "home run," so to speak, with his timeless and unforgettable portrayal of Judge Wiley.  Touch 'em all, Mr. Powell!

Bob the Bartender, who, like the learned Judge Wiley, will be "perusing" all follow-up postings concerning this final paean to the great Addison Powell.

109
Current Talk '03 II / Just Who Do You Think IS Tad's Real Daddy-Oh?
« on: November 06, 2003, 03:15:19 AM »
Hey gang,

I'm sure that we've all been entranced as Samantha continues to taunt Quentin (I daresay some might use the expression: "Stick the knife in and twist it!") with the news that the Q-Man is NOT the father of Tad Collins, heir to the Collins' mighty fortune.

Well, I wonder just who is the "biological" father of the mop-topped Master Tad Collins?  Here are a couple of possible "papas" and, in the time-honored tradition of Las Vegas hadicappers, the corresponding odds of these men being the "proud" father of Daniel Collins' grandson.

1. Lamar Trask - Yes, here is a man who continually professes great faith and moral rectitude.  Yet, is Lamar's piety just a big act or is he really Collinsport's only forty-something virgin?  (I'll put the odds at 5-to-1, that Lamar ever got to first base, let alone, hit a "home run" with Samantha Collins.)

2. Tim Braithewaite - Could the mistress of Collinwood have had an assignation (or "rendezvous" as America's Dad, Bill Cosby, once referred to it) with the macho and muscular, local ruffian?  If Tad matures into a brawny albeit dim-witted man with a liking for cheap booze and wanton women, then there might be proof of this Lady Chatterly-like "rendezvous."  (Nevertheless, Tim Braithewaite would have to be an even bigger longshot than the love-starved Lamar Trask, thus the 8-to-1 odds.)

3. Gabriel Collins - What of Quentin'sibling, the sarcastic and yenta-like Gabriel Collins?  Of course, Gabriel is already mired in an extremely unhappy marriage with the nymophomaniacal Edith Collins.  Would the embittered Gabriel take great delight in making a cuckold of his older and "beloved" brother, Quentin?  (Does a bear "go" in the woods?)

Yet, one does have to wonder if  Gabriel would be even up to a dalliance with his headstrong sister-in-law?  Perhaps, the Pretenders' Chrissie Hynde expressed it best when she sang so poignantly, so many years ago, "that there's a thin line between love and hate."  (Accordingly, Gabriel comes in at a more conceivable 7-to-5 odds.)

4. Ben Stokes - Yes THAT Ben Stokes!  Don't laugh!  Barnabas' former servant was a man who always maintained a hale-and-hearty lifestyle throughout his eighty-plus-years.  The man was legendary for his great strength and stamina, prompting comparisons between Ben and the sturdy work horse, that Ben used, to help clear the massive tree logs, that Ben had chopped down during his time as Joshua Collins' indentured servant at Collinwood.

I don't think that it's too much to say that the very spry (and "frisky") Ben Stokes lent credence to the old expression that while there may be snow on the roof, there's still a roaring fire, deep down in the old "furnace"!  (Therefore, Ben Stokes is listed as a toss-up or a "pick-em" as to the question if Master Tad is, in fact, Ben's issue.)

There are so many other possible "biological" fathers for young Tad.  Perhaps other Dark Shadows fans can suggest other proud papas for the gleam in Quentin Collins' eye?

Bob the Bartender, who, was nowhere the vicinity of Collisport, Maine in 1826, Tad's presumptive conception/birth year.

110
Current Talk '03 II / Conjugation Class At Collinwood!
« on: October 29, 2003, 11:22:35 PM »
Hey gang,

No doubt, all of the Dark Shadows fans, who are educators, enjoyed watching today's episode in which governess/teacher Daphne Harridge vainly attempted to conduct Latin class with Tad and Carrie in the playroom (of all places!).

I particularly enjoyed the part in which the precocious Carrie was trying to conjugate the verb, "to love," with her stating, "I love, you love and she/he loves."  Of course, smart-alecky Tad couldn't resist the urge to add the name "Gerard" to "she loves" as in "Carrie loves Gerard," much to Carrie's annoyance.

Nevertheless, it could have been much worse.  I recall the movie "Up The Down Stair Case," in which Sandy Dennis played Sylvia Barrett, a young teacher (sort of like our own Daphne Harridge), who encounters many trials and tribulations as she struggles through her first year of teaching at a New York City high school.

Anyway , Ms. Barrett quickly learns that a teacher NEVER has her or his class conjugate the verb "lay."  You can imagine the uproarious outbreak that occurs when one student recites "I lay, you lay, she/he lays," in front of all of those highly "imaginative" students!  And, I shudder to think what Tad's reaction would have been, in hearing the winsome Carrie recite that particular conjugation in class.

Incidentally, I understand, from my family members and friends who are teachers, that Bel Kaufman's book "Up The Down Stair Case" was required reading for new teachers back in the 1960s.  I wonder if our Dark Shadows educators out there have had similar experiences to either those of Ms Harridge or Ms. Barrett during their years in teaching?

Bob the Bartender, who thinks that Daphne can't wait for summer vacation time to come to Collinwood.   

   

111
Current Talk '03 II / Turnabout Is Fair Play
« on: October 24, 2003, 09:34:01 PM »
Hey gang,

I must confess that I was probably the first one to get all over Nicholas Blair for wearing that same lousy, gray suit of his, seemingly every day of the week!  I mean, it couldn't have been very "pleasant" for the folks at Collinwood to be around this guy, parading/kvelling around the great house in the same outfit day after day (if you get my "drift").

Yet, to be comletely fair, I believe that it is imperative of me to point out that the enigmatic Gerard Stiles has been in that same black suit of his for about a month now.  I realize that it's supposed to be winter time in Collinwood, circa 1840.  But, ye gods!  When Gerald Stiles, Esq. walks into the drawing room, it must be like "spring is bursting out" all over!!!  ("Quick, open the windows!")

Okay, Gerard's not a bad looking guy, but how can Samantha, Leticia, etc. stand to be within ten feet of this fellow, let alone, cheek to cheek with this one-suit-man, who probably never even heard of dry cleaning?  ("My, that's an unusual 'cologne' you're wearing, Gerard.")

No wonder Gerard Stiles (a/k/a Ivan Miller, by the way, that sounds like the name of a rookie forward on the Indiana Pacers, imho) frequently has that exceedingly saturnine expression on his face.  (No doubt, he probably just caught a good whiff of himself!)  And, at least, Nicholas Blair had both a double-breasted and three-piece gray suit in his wardrobe.  That's double the number of suits that Gerard/Ivan has.

Maybe it's well past time that the ditsy (but lovable) Flora Collins opened up a charge account at Brewster's Department Store, so that her charming muse/house guest can get some desperately-needed threads, and stop smelling like Daisy May from "Little Abner."  Yes, the inimitable Gerald Stiles, Esq., or as I like to refer to him as, "Mr. Stinky"!

Bob the Bartender, who's trying to cope with the devastating news of Dark Shadows' imminent cable tv demise by dwelling on these, all-important and earth-shaking matters.

PS My apologies, if needed,  to our own Gerard.  I certainly do not include him in with the sartorially-lacking, black-suited guest of the McGruder Mansion (that looks suspiciously like Ken and Barbie's dream house, imho).





112
Current Talk '03 II / No Play For Mr. Gray!
« on: October 23, 2003, 09:59:22 PM »
Hey Gang,

In watching Lamar Trask's feckless attempts to win the affections of the fetching and nubile Roxanne Drew, I'm reminded of a recent TV commercial for Just For Men hair coloring.

In the commercial, we see former NY Met first baseman Keith Hernandez and former NY Knick guard Walt "Clyde" Frazier providing play-by-play commentary on the "action" at a trendy New York singles bar.   A guy, with graying hair and beard, approaches a beautiful, young woman at the bar and says hello.  The woman takes one look at the fellow's Phil Donahue-like "hair style" and gives him the quick brush-off.

"Ree-jected!" both announcers exclaim.  "Clyde, that's got to hurt," opines Hernandez.  To which the always alliterative "Clyde" Frazier responds, "Yeah, no play for Mr. Gray!"

The reason that I mention this somewhat amusing commercial, is that it reminds me of the love-starved Lamar Trask's pathetic attempts to "woo" Ms. Drew.

Lamar should realize that these May-December relationships rarely work out.   Let's face it, Lamar is a guy in, at least, in his mid-forties (and he looks it with those graying sideburns!).  And, the lovely Roxanne Drew is a lovely, young lady of maybe twenty-five years or so.  What can they possibly have in common?

You don't have to be Nostradamus or Joyce Jillson to predict that the romance between the forty-something Demi Moore and the twenty-something Ashton Kutcher is probably not going to make it.

Similarly, you didn't have to be "Sex and the City's" romance columnist, Carrie Bradshaw, to know full well, that the fifty-something Bill and the then barely-twenty-something Monica, were not destined to join the ranks of such great romantic couples of Napoleon and Josephine, and J.Lo and Ben, IMHO.

So, maybe Lamar should forget about pursuing Roxanne and look for a nice lady in his own age range.  In fact, you know, how you see that other guy with the gray hair, interfacing via the internet (and "fibbing'"about his hair color), with that beautiful, dark-haired woman before a date?   Well, maybe Lamar could "interface," via the mail, with some very nice lady mortician.

I can see it now, Lamar and the lady mortician (aptly named Prunella Wockenfuss) schmoozzing over a couple of hot toddies on their first date at the Eagle Tavern.

"Well, Prunella, where do we go from here?" inquires the smitten director of the Trask Memorial Home, his hair now as jet black as Elvis Presley's.  To which the charming lady "corpse valet" replies, "Your embalming room or mine?"  Ah, romance!

113
Current Talk '03 II / Hooray for Hortense!
« on: September 30, 2003, 05:21:33 PM »
Hey gang,

One aspect of Dark Shadows that I've always enjoyed is the interaction between the lordly Collinses and the "common-folk" staff of the great house of Collinwood.  In fact, Dark Shadows presented this intriguing "upstairs, downstairs" dichotomy between the rich and the poor a number of years before Eileen Atkins and Jean Marsh originated the superb "Upstairs, Downstairs" BBC series.

It's been great fun to see the hired help cope with life while serving under the high-and-mighty Collins family.  From the 1960s' crabby (but lovable) Mrs. Sarah Johnson and her ne'er-do-well son, Harry, the sociopathic Morgan Morgan and the lovely and gentle governess Vicky Winters (also Vicky's successor, waitress-turned-teacher Maggie Evans) to 1797's gruff (but extremely loyal and good-hearted) Ben Stokes, the cunning and beautiful Angelique Bouchard, and once again, the ingenuous Victoria Winters, they've all been such engrossing and wonderfully fleshed-out characters.  (Of course, Barnabas' servant/handy man, Willie Loomis, is Dark Shadows' "man for all seasons," imho.)

And, let's not forget 1897's comely and kindly chambermaid, Beth Chavez, the thoroughly wacked-out head groundskeeper, Dirk Wilkins or Barnabas' two incorrigible but always likable Old House servants, Magda and Sandor Racosi (the original 19th century grifters!).

I suppose in appreciation of all of these "regular folk," I'm somewhat disappointed that we do not get to see more of the ill-fated 1840 housemaid, Hortense (O'Hearn?).  In fact, I believe that Hortense may be the only member of the 1840 Collinwood house staff whom we get to see during this storyline.

In the brief time that we get to see Hortense, with that seemingly perpetually tremulous facial expression of hers, Hortense sort of reminds me of Dark Shadows' answer to Deputy Barney Fife!  I, for one, would have liked to have seen Hortense continue as Samantha Collins' faithful servant (much like PT Angelique's eternally loyal "Miss" Julia Hoffman).

Perhaps, we might of learned about how Hortense and her family boarded a ship in Limerick harbor to come to America (Boston, most likely), in an attempt to escape the despair and poverty of the soon-to-be famine-ravaged Ireland.  No doubt, Hortense must have been extremely grateful to secure even the humble position of Collinwood housemaid as she she strove to achieve/discover, what Vito Corleone so accurately described to Americo Bonasera, (as finding) "America to be a paradise."

Oh well, Hortense joins that pantheon of relatively short-lived Dark Shadows characters (along with Sheriff George Paterson, Buzz Hackett, Portia Fitzsimmons, "King" Johnny Romano, Buffie Harrington and a certain ubiquitous and silent saloon keeper) who we never really get to learn much about on the show.  C'est la vie!

Bob the Bartender

114
Current Talk '03 II / Top Of The Mornin' To You!
« on: September 30, 2003, 03:52:39 AM »
Hey gang,

Being born of an FBI mother (FBI: that's Full Blooded Irish), I would like to applaud Dan Curtis and Dark Shadows writer Sam Hall for their decision NOT to portray Desmond Collins' "business associate," Tim Braithwaite, as the stereotypically dimwitted and dipsomaniac Irishman with the faux Barry Fitzgerald-like brogue today.

Yes, it's very refreshing to see an Irish character not burdened with what "Angela's Ashes" author Frank McCourt ruefully and euphemistically describes in his writings as the Irish problem of (or with) "The Drink." 

As with its characterization of the Gypsy people of the Romano tribe, Dark Shadows continues its admirable policy of portraying non-traditional peoples with a keen appreciation of, and concern for, ethnic sensitivity and inclusion.

No doubt, Dark Shadows spared no effort or expense in insuring that all disparate ethnic groups would be portrayed with the utmost respect and regard.  Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if the DS powers-that-be brought in some acknowledged experts in the field of religious, racial and ethnic tolerance, say, someone like Archie Bunker or, possibly, even Don "Mr. Warmth" Rickles himself.

Erin Go Bragh!

Bob the O'Bartender

PS Was that Joan Jett (or possibly Cher Bono) portraying the comely, dark-haired Eagle tavern barmaid today?       

115
Current Talk '03 II / They Must Have Used A Lot Of WD-40 Or Something.
« on: September 29, 2003, 10:57:27 PM »
Hey gang,

I found it fascinating to see Desmond Collins (with the help of his cousin, Gabriel) unravel the mystery/riddle of how to locate the entrance to Judah Zachary's hidden underground tomb in Gallow's Hill Cemetery today.

And, you just had to be very impressed at how easily the mechanical release to the tomb worked, when Desmond pulled it out from the gravestone.  Let's not forget that, in all likelihood, no one has entered the underground tomb in nearly forty years.  Yet, the tomb's mechanical release worked as flawlessly as the well-oiled parts of a state-of-the-art bank vault.

I tell you, the artisans/satanic cultists who designed and built Judah Zachary's tomb were as ingenious as the ancient Egyptian engineers who designed and built King Tut's tomb, IMHO.  In fact, I'll even go so far as to say that JZ's artisans/followers could have taught Steve, Norm, Tom Silva and the rest of the guys on "This Old House," a thing or two about home construction and repair!

What especially impresses me about the superb craftsmanship of these 19th century artisans/satanists, is how well everything they constructed works, in comparison to my own contemporary, trial-and-error attempts to fix mechanical devices.

For example, have you ever tried to open the lock on your backyard storage shed after a particularly cold and wet (read: snowy and icy) winter?  The darned thing is so rusted up that it just won't open!  You try Lock-Ease and WD-40 on the both the lock and the key, and the pain-in-the-arse thing still won't open.  Hopefully, you remember your mechanically-inclined grandpa's old, tried-and-true remedy of pouring both Heinz Ketchup and Pepsi Cola (never Coca Cola!) on that pesky lock and...presto chango, that darned Yale of Master lock opens up like the proverbial charm!!!

You know, maybe that's the secret after all?  Maybe Otis Green was making secret, periodic trips to Gallows Hill Cemetery over the years, and pouring Heinz Ketchup and Pepsi Cola on all of those gears and moving parts of Judah Zachary's place of "interment"?

Come to think of it, considering how easily that chain release came out of that lion's head in the Collins Family Mausoleum, when Willie Loomis pulled on it (for probably the first time in nearly 170 years) in 1967, maybe somebody was routinely performing a "lube job" of Three-In-One-Oil and/or Pepsi Cola on the moving parts of Barnabas' final and secret "resting" place?

I wonder just who was performing that "preventative maintenance" on Mr. B.'s secret room during all of those 170 years....Ben, Magda, Matthew Morgan?  I guess we'll never really know, will we?

Bob the Bartender, who's definitely NOT a "Mr. Fix-It" himself!

     

116
Current Talk '03 II / "Do Drop By, But Don't Drop In!"
« on: September 23, 2003, 07:39:58 PM »
Hey gang,

This old expression sounds as if it might have been the mantra of Barnabas Collins in so far as his alleged flat/house in London's Cadogan Square was concerned.

Of course, Barnabas attempted to fend off the inquisitive Desmond Collins' questions about his home in merry, olde England with this explanation today (as Mr. B. had done with the equally inquisitive Burke Devlin in 1967).

You know, I wonder if Barnabas really ever had a place in Cadogan Square?  (By the way, does Cadogan Square really exist in London?)

I can just imagine what would have happened if (in, say, 1967) cousin Carolyn actually knocked on Barnabas' front door in Cadogan Square.  Mr. B. would morph into a bat and "wing it" over to either Basil and Sybil Fawlty's four-star hotel in Torquay by the sea, or to Hyacinth Bucket's stylish home in the London suburbs (where the starstruck and affluent-people loving Mrs. Bucket would gladly put him up in her absent son Sheridan's room for a couple of days) or until Carolyn finally departed back home for the States.

I suspect that Barnabas' Cadogan Square flat/house may be as illusive as Sherlock Holmes' flat at 221 B Baker Street.

Bob the Bartender 

117
Current Talk '03 II / Daphne Harridge: The Lady in Red!
« on: September 11, 2003, 12:57:10 AM »
Hey gang,

That was really quick thinking on David and Hallie's part, err, I mean, Tad and Carrie's part, in getting some of Vicky Winters' old clothes for the reincarnated Daphne Harridge to wear today.  Ms. H. was looking particularly good in that red dress, IMHO.  (Although, I would like to know if the 19th century governess thought that that 20th century miniskirt was the least bit provocative and, I daresay, indecent for her conservative tastes?)

Nevertheless, I also wonder what would have happened, if, in the rush to get Daphne some contemporary threads, the kids had "borrowed" some clothes from some of the other fair ladies of Collinwood?

For example, what if Tad and Carrie had lifted Maggie's long, floral-print quilt/skirt?  (Perhaps Daphne would have enjoyed wearing that warm dress while she was hiding out in the damp and chilly Rose Cottage?  And, I hardly think that Maggie would have missed that dress, considering her current "condition.")

The kids might have also borrowed one of Mrs. Johnson's black housedresses.  (Daphne might have looked like a young Sophia Loren from the flick, "Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow," attired in that "sexy," black dress.  Then again, Daphne might have looked a lot more like the beloved Mama Celeste from the cover of one of those frozen Celeste pizzas, decked out in Mrs. Johnson's dress.  "Abbundanza!")   

Of course, Tad and Carrie could have stolen one of Dr. Julia Hoffman's outfits.  No doubt, that lovely lime green suit dress of Dr. Hoffman's, which the doctor wore quite frequently, must have come back from Ye Olde Collinsport Dry Cleaners by now.  (And, I seriously doubt if the good doctor would be wearing THAT particular outfit anytime in the foreseeable future.  I think that Julia99 will concur with me on that fashion prediction. )

What about Mrs. Stoddard?  Well, considering the fact that the mistress of Collinwood probably buys the latest French fashions from such fine stores as Jordan Marsh and Filene's Basement, I hardly think that Daphne would "blend in" with the "regular folk" of Collinsport, wearing the latest haute couture.)

I'm just thankful that the kids did NOT purloin any of Carolyn's clothes.  Don't get me wrong, Carolyn has wonderful and exquisite taste in clothes.  It's just that if the rather statuesque Daphne wore one of the diminutive (but delightful) Mrs. Stoddard-Hawks' miniskirts, the dress would have looked like a short (and I mean bare-midriff short) blouse on Quentin's ethereal love!

Bob the Bartender, fashion columnist for The Collinsport Star.   

118
Current Talk '03 II / Que Sera, Sera!
« on: August 20, 2003, 01:05:43 AM »
Hey gang,

Dan Curtis and the Dark Shadows writers deserve high praise for their exciting and thought-provoking 1995 trip-to-the-future story line.  I remember being glued to the television screen, watching these great episodes as a young kid way back in 1970.

And, even today, as a somewhat older "juvenile," I still have to marvel at Dan Curtis, et al's fascinating sojurn, "to boldly go (splint  infinitive!) where, at least, no other soap opera had gone before!"

If I have one small complaint with the trip-to-the-future story line, it is that we did not get to see more of Collinsport proper and its familiar residents, circa 1995.  Ten episodes just did not seem enough to do justice to this intriguing and unique story line.

Sure, we got to see the reassuringly familiar office of Sheriff Patterson's successor in the Collinsport Police Department building.  It was nice to see that the room's spartan decor had not changed much in twenty-five years.  (Wouldn't it have been cool to have seen an official 1995 photograph of the 42nd President of the US, William Jefferson Clinton, on the sheriff's wall, just as there had been an official 1966 photograph of the 36th President of the US, Lyndon Baines Johnson, on Sheriff Patterson's office wall?)

By the way, I get the impression that the Collinsport town fathers had to conduct a nationwide search to find Sheriff Patterson's successor.  I know that the apparently unnamed 1995 sheriff said that he had grown up in Collinsport, but to me, Collinsport's top cop sounded more like a product of Birmingham, AL than of Bangor, ME!

Of course, we got to get a quick look at the Collinsport Town Hall (which looked suspiciously like the lobby of the Collinsport Inn).  I especially enjoyed seeing the enigmatic Ed, the Collinsport Town Hall records clerk.  However, for a second there, I thought I was seeing the late, great Abe Beame.  With the grey hair, the sharp features and being short of stature, Ed looked remarkably like Mr. Beame, the former two-term mayor of New York City.  (Perhaps, such NYC-area DS fans as Raineypark, Cassandra and RobinV will agree with me in that comparison.)

Certainly, it was fascinating to see Carolyn Stoddard-Hawks, Mrs. Johnson and Prof. Stokes at their various, advanced  stages of life.  And, while Carolyn was "slightly" confused, the eternally-youthful Quentin, positively, had both oars out of the water.  ("I believe anything and everything!")

Yet, I still wish that we could have seen Barnabas and Julia visiting some of the old, familiar "haunts" of Collinsport.  Was the Collins Cannery still a thriving business in 1995?  (As we shall see, not all of the unseen and unaccounted for Collinses perished in the summer of 1970, but, much more about that later on.)

Does Widow's Hill still look the same in 1995?  Perhaps the land was sold, and beautiful (not to mention extremely expensive) homes were built there, to take advantage of the panoramic view of the beautiful Atlantic Ocean.

Nevertheless, the one "unforgivable" mortal sin that Dan Curtis committed , IMHO, is that we did NOT get to see the beloved Blue Whale Tavern.  Now, I'll freely admit that the Blue Whale is my favorite Dark Shadows set because it housed my all-time favorite DS character/role model, bartender Bob Rooney.

Surely, we all got to see so many memorable events in Bob Rooney's fine establishment over the years: the heartwarming start of Maggie and Joe's romance (also, the not-so-heartwarming start of Carolyn and Buzz Hackett's so-called "romance"!), Burke Devlin's savage bar fight with the then-thuggish Willie Loomis, and Maggie's dramatic and shocking return from Windcliff (and the presumed-to-be-dead) to name but a few.

I would have liked to have seen Barnabas and Julia make a sentimental journey into the Blue Whale for old times' sake.  Was the cigarette machine still there in the more health conscious times of 1995?  (If it wasn't, I'll bet that Julia Hoffman, M.D., was really bummed out that she could not get a pack of butts!)

What about the familiar telephone booth that so many DS characters used during truly crucial and urgent moments back during the late 1960s?  No doubt, the 1995 Blue Whale patrons were all using handheld cell phones, much to Mr. B. and Dr. H.'s bemusement and astonishment!

What if Barnabas happened to walk over to the juke box, would he find those two (and, possibly only) songs there on the play list, "Meet Me At the Blue Whale" and the theme song from the film, "A Man and a Woman"?

Somehow, I think that after Barnabas put a couple of quarters into the juke box (unlike the single 25 cent charge to play a song in 1970), and heard, say, the unfamiliar sounds of Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" or Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise," Barnabas would turn to Dr. Hoffman, seated at a nearby table and remarked: "Why, Julia, I'm dismayed to learn that people listen to such cacophonous claptrap in 1995."

And, what would Barnabas and Julia have made of Bob Rooney's successor behind the bar?  Instead of seeing a familiar, chunky, middle-aged guy wearing a Sears plaid, flannel shirt and pouring draft beer into a stein, they now see a lean, perfectly-coiffed young guy, attired in a stylish Tommy Hilfiger shirt, and twirling a couple of whiskey bottles into the air, a la Tom Cruise in the film classic, "Cocktail."

Barnabas and Julia would have been shocked to have learned that the foppish bartender, Jared Clark, was the twenty-something progeny of an illicit Portsmith "rendezvous" between the now departed Jeff Clark and the late (and not to mention extremely "friendly") Donna Friedlander.

Perhaps Bob Rooney has long since retired to balmy Key West, Florida.  I can see Bob bartending occasionally at the world-famous Sloppy Joe's Tavern and also appearing nightly at sunset at the Mallory Square Dock on west Duval Street, as "Bartender Bob: America's Southernmost Down-East Saloon Keeper" along with the rest of the assembled and aging hippies, bag pipe players, contortionists, etc.

Heck, with a grey beard and a few extra pounds, the venerable Mr. Rooney might even enter (and, no doubt, win) the annual Ernest "Papa" Hemingway Lookalike Contest in Key West!

One final "haunt" that I wish that Barnabas and Julia had visited in 1995, was the always popular Collinsport Cinema.  Can you imagine, if in an attempt to familiarize themselves with the culture and mores of 1995, Mr. B. and Dr. H. just happened to attend an extremely early (and, I mean eight years early) sneak preview of the smash hit "Gigli," starring the beautiful Jennifer Lopez and the dashing Ben Affleck?

Somehow, after seeing just ten minutes of the film, I think Barnabas would have turned to Dr. Hoffman in the theater, and said: "My God, Julia,  this is excrutiatingly bad!  No wonder why everyone is so positively messed up in 1995!"

With that, Barnabas and Julia would probably race back to Angelique's East Wing room, in the desperate hope of returning to Parallel Time 1970, realizing that life there (even in a burned-out Collinwood) would be far better that actually living through this nightmare of a true scenario in Real Time 1995!

Bob the Bartender, who respectfully disagrees with the delightful Ms. Doris Day, by saying that "the future IS ours to see" (if you just happen to live in the mythical town of Collinsport, Maine!).

119
Current Talk '03 II / One Man's Misery Is Another Man's Good Fortune!
« on: August 11, 2003, 09:23:10 PM »
Hey gang,

Whew!  You can't tell the dead ballplayers without a scorecard.  (At least, in PT Collinsport, you evidently can't!)

I think that we've seen more DS characters killed in the space of sixty or so Parallel Time episodes than we did for the entire nine-month run of the 1897 DS storyline.

Can you imagine what the ramifications of all these deaths/homicides are?  Well, for starters, take the Eagle Hill Cemetery caretaker/archivist.  In the space of just a couple weeks, the poor, old guy has to find spaces to "plant" all of these recently deceased people.

Okay, he can place Liz and Carolyn in the Collins Mausoleum.  (What the heck, Angelique's "space" is now free for Carolyn to take over!)  Of course, Will Loomis, not being a blood member of the Collins clan, will have to buried out in the cemetery field with the rest of the riffraff.  (I think we can all agree that Quentin probably elected to have cousin Roger cremated, with his ashes being scattered over some particularly appropriate place, like the town dump or Buzz Hackett's pig farm!).

The Eagle Hill Cemetery caretaker would then have to find burial plots, for, by my count, a minimum of eight of the so-called "regular folk" of Collinsport (Cyrus Longworth, Sabrina Stewart, Larry Chase, Bruno Hess, Aldon Wickes, Fred the handy man, the other unnamed guy that Angelique "offed" and Claude North).

Perhaps, at the prospect of so daunting a task, the venerable Eagle Hill Cemetery caretaker would say: "Screw this!  I'm taking early retirement at age 84, and heading down to sunny North Miami Beach!"

Nevertheless, there are those "entrepeneurs" in PT Collinsport, who would find this sudden rash of mortality to be a veritable bonanza.  Of course, I'm referring to the morticians (or "corpse valets" as Vito Corleone once characterized them) of Collinsport.

Heck, they'd be battling each other to "scoop up" up all of the "stiffs," literally littering the fair streets of Collinsport!

A question of my own, however.  Let's say that Burke Devlin, owner and funeral director of the Burke Memorial Home, has the late Dr. Cyrus Longworth laid out in his coffin (attired in the doctor's best navy blue three-piece suit) for everyone to pay their final respects to, during visiting hours at the funeral home.  What happens if Dr. Longworth suddenly starts "morphing" into John Yaegar, right in front of the assembled bereaved, sitting there, in those uncomfortable metal folding chairs?

Does Burke slam the coffin lid down and say: "I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, but the viewing hours are now over for today!"?  And, after the stunned mourners depart the premises, does Burke proceed to undress and then clothe Dr. Longworth into one of those ugly-@ss suits of John Yaegar?  (Or does Burke just announce that, from here on in, this will be a "closed coffin" memorial for the good Dr. Longworth, until he's planted six-feet-under?)

As you can see, there are many unseen consequences of the unfettered bloodshed that has just taken place in PT Collinsport, circa 1970.  I shudder to think what may happen in other "less civilized" time periods of this other, concurrent band of time.

Bob the Bartender

120
Current Talk '03 II / Momentous, First Words!
« on: August 08, 2003, 10:04:27 PM »
Hey gang,

I'm sure that we all sat on the edge of our collective seats today, wondering what Roxanne's earth-shattering, first words might be.  Here are a few last-second ideas that came to me as the apple-of-Claude North's-eye was about to speak:

1. "Is the end-of-summer-sale at Brewster's Department Store still going on by any chance?"

2.  "I'm extremely sorry, Barnabas.  Of course, I couldn't tell you this myself before today.  But, you see, I'm saving myself for Bobby Sherman."

(Note on Bobby Sherman: The so-called Justin Timberlake of the early 1970s, for all of you Dark Shadows fans out there, who were not, yet, a gleam in your fathers' eyes.)

3.  "Hey, what's new with Erica Kane on 'All My Children'?"

4. "This bullet-bra is absolutely killing me!"

5.  "Claude, when you told me the happy news that you wanted me to meet your family, I never thought that you meant the ones who are buried in Eagle Hill Cemetery!"

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