EPISODE 78 (released 5/28/12)
SHORT VERSION: Annoyed with Carolyn for standing him up, Joe considers finding a new girl, and invites Maggie to dance.
LONG VERSION: Sam wants to talk to Roger, but Roger refuses to talk over the phone. He insists that Sam meet him at the Blue Whale, and wear a pink carnation. Sam protests that that isn't necessary. Roger already knows what he looks like. Roger says that half the fun of having a deep dark secret is the all cloak and dagger. If you're not into that stuff, you might as well go straight.
Roger realizes he needs a cover story for meeting Sam, when along comes Old Instant Alibi herself, Vicki. Roger says he never made good on his promise to take Vicki out to dinner, and offers to take her now: to the Blue Whale. Vicki's not too wild about the idea. For one thing, she doesn't drink. One sip of alcohol turns her into a clueless ninny. Roger promises not to tell anyone if she doesn't.
At the Whale, Sam and Maggie are drinking, but both still perpindicular. Maggie seems to have had a few too many, though. She notices how good looking and unescorted Joe Haskell seems to be. Sam fears that Maggie has had too much, and so quickly downs the rest of her drink, in much the same way that a soldier might fall on a grenade to save his comrades.
Maggie drops a handkerchief, and Joe is right there to pick it up for her. This shows that he's interested in her too. Maybe TOO interested. Maggie had dropped the handkerchief in her lap!
It seems that Joe has been stood up by Carolyn (again), so the three of them propose a drinking game: They all have to take a drink every time one of them says the words "The Collins Family of Collinsport" (Sam wants it to be every time one of them breathes, but he's outvoted). In this way, they can kvetch about the Collins family and get plastered too. Joe explains his latest tiff with Carolyn. She had wanted him to drop everything and take her to the beach, but then ditched him for Burke Devlin. Maggie takes this opportunity to drop a few hints about how much she'd like to be taken to the beach. In fact, in her condition, she's almost ready to float there under her own power.
Joe excuses himself to play a quick phone prank on Vicki, but it backfires on him. It turns out that not only does the Collins family have Prince Albert in a can, they also have Barnabas Collins in a box.
Back at the table, Sam is telling Joe to show more backbone with Carolyn, and not be such a doormat. Joe agrees. He's decided that he's mad as heck... This is Television, in the movies he'd be even madder... and he's not going to take it any more. What he needs is a new girl. Sam says he's got one right here. Low mileage, intelligent, sassy, good company. She was previously used by a little old man who only used her to clean his paintbrushes on Sundays. Joe wants to know if she's a good cook, but Sam says let's come back to that one, shall we...
At Collinwood, Roger is ready to leave for the Whale. Vicki wants to stop and powder her nose first, but Roger asks her to keep it shiny. That's how he'd planned to navigate his car in the dark (Hey, if it works for Santa Claus...).
Back at the Whale, Joe has slammed Maggie's doors, kicked her tires, and taken her out for a test drive on the dance floor. It looks very much like Maggie is on the verge of getting out her branding iron and officially stamping Joe as HER boyfriend. They reminisce a bit about Joe's heroics on the High School Football Team. Maggie looks like she's about ready to jump on a table and begin a "Rickety Rack!" cheer for him right now, but Sam is contemptuous of the sport. In his day (Side Note: Any time an older person begins a sentence with the phrase "In my day", get out of there fast!), ...In his day, football wasn't a "profession", it was a GAME. Something they did to pass the time at Gettysburg waiting for the next Rebel attack. Sam says he never had the energy for football, he was always too tired out from walking 20 miles to school, in the snow, uphill both ways.
Roger and Vicki walk in. Sam not-too-subtly stops to chat with Roger, and sends Vicki over to talk with Maggie and Joe. Both Sam and Roger are confused by the recent turn of events. They've convinced each other that they didn't kill Malloy, but if they didn't, who did? Maybe it really was a lucky accident. Maybe they just live right... No, it couldn't possibly be that.
At the other table, Maggie and Joe have introduced Vicki to their drinking game. They're both too soused to even say the words "Collins Family of Collinsport" any more, and ask Vicki to say it for them. Vicki thinks they've had enough, but they say nonsense. This is a filler episode anyway, so fill 'er up!!
Maggie and Joe are also interested in the rumor that Liz might hire Mrs. Johnson. They agree Collinwood could use a housekeeper, but they hope she's not there to replace Vicki. Vicki says not to worry. Mrs. Johnson has neither the legs nor the mysterious past needed to handle the governess job.
The talk turns back to football. We learn that Collinsport has the only High School football team in the country where the cheerleaders were black and cry through all the cheers.
Roger comes back to the other table, fakes a headache, and tells Vicki he's ready to go back to Collinwood. For good measure, he tosses out a few gratuitously derogatory remarks about Joe and Maggie's meager working class lives on his way out the door. Joe is ready to follow Roger and have it out with him, but finds a ball and chain padlocked to his ankle. Maggie certainly works fast when she smells a date!
Back at Collinwood, Roger and Vicki ponder what cliffhanger they can end the show with. Roger says they'll have to settle for a hangover, and heads up to bed.
