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Author Topic: Meanwhile, at the Old House...  (Read 4730 times)

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Offline scout75

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Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« on: July 12, 2002, 08:57:32 AM »
INT/OLD HOUSE-DAY (yes, I said "day"!)

(BARNABAS COLLINS sits in his wingback chair, looking immaculate yet worried.  DR. JULIA HOFFMAN barges in like she owns the place.)

BARNABAS: Julia, you're out of Collinwood early this morning.

JULIA: Roger was having brandy with his Eggs Benedict, so I snuck out.  Have you been up all night?

BARNABAS: Yes. Adam came by again last night. With an ultimatum.

JULIA: Oh, is he still harping on that "I-want-a-mate" crap?!

BARNABAS: Yes, but now he has leverage. He's holding Vicki as his prisoner.

JULIA: So now, of course, you want to go traipsing through the cemetary, digging up parts of women to make him a significant other.

BARNABAS: Yes, I do. Julia, I'm aware of your jealousy toward Vicki--

JULIA: Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! "I don't understand". "I took a strange and frightening journey through space and time, back to the year 1795..." The girl's a basket case.

BARNABAS: But, Julia...surely you realize--

JULIA: I realize I couldn't come in here in the middle of the night buck naked with a bottle of Drambuie and make you notice me!

BARNABAS: Julia! When you speak in such a manner, it makes me wish I was still bricked up in that wall downstairs.

JULIA: It's always something with you, isn't it, Barnabas? "Julia, cure me of my affliction so I can stalk Maggie Evans!" "Julia, save me from Angelique and the frickin' Dream Curse!" "Julia, while you're in town, please drop off my Inverness cape at the cleaners!"

(Before Barnabas can reply, there is a knock at the door; Barnabas answers it, annoyed to see JEFF CLARK.)

BARNABAS: Clark! I'm in no mood for a real estate seminar...

JEFF: I'm not here about that. I'm here to speak to you about Adam.

BARNABAS: Adam?

JULIA: Adam West? TV's "Batman"?

JEFF: This Adam only goes by one name.

JULIA: Oh, like Lulu.

BARNABAS: Or Twiggy.

JULIA: Or that singer with the Velvet Underground.

BARNABAS: Nico.

JULIA: Yes, her...

JEFF (clutching his head): Will you two shut up?!

(Jeff runs out the door, leaving Barnabas and Julia perplexed.)

JULIA: He's just like those girls who called me up claiming to be from the phone company.

BARNABAS: Full of...uh, dung?

JULIA (rolls her eyes): Yes, Barnabas..."dung".

BARNABAS: What does Vicki see in him? And what kind of name is "Jeff"?

JULIA: This from a man named Barnabas. What's he see in her? I mean, if I see her in one more sleeveless dress from Ohrbach's...

BARNABAS: This from a woman who wore that atroscity of a dress yesterday...

JULIA: Hey, I happen to look great in black!

BARNABAS: But, really, Julia...a corsage with that dress?! I didn't know if you were going to a wake or a homecoming dance.

JULIA: Why you son of a--

BARNABAS: Julia, please! We must uncover who has put Adam up to this evil scheme.  What do we really know about Professor Stokes?

JULIA: Well, she graduated second in her high school class. Which is better than I did.

BARNABAS: I'll go see her at once.

JULIA: And what should I do?

BARNABAS: There's a shovel downstairs, Julia. Take Willie and start digging...

(Barnabas grabs his cape and cane and heads out the door; Julia looks confused...)
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BARNABAS: Here at Collinwood, old hates don't die. They lie in wait for the innocent and unsuspecting...

QUENTIN: We're guaranteed to make you believe (spells) exist. Our entire family can be explained in no other way...

Offline Josette

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2002, 09:08:29 AM »
;D ;D ;D

This is a riot!!
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Josette

Offline Nicole

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2002, 09:10:32 AM »
Oh my!  Very hilarious.   :D
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Offline ProfStokes

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2002, 09:39:58 AM »
I love it, scout75!   ;D  I'm going to have to print this one out.

ProfStokes
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Offline Cassandra

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2002, 11:59:57 AM »
Scout74  That was hilarious!!  LOL!!  Thanks for the laughs!  ;)
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"Calamity Jane"

Offline ROBINV

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2002, 12:21:14 PM »
Delicious!

Kudos galore!

Love, Robin
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Connie

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2002, 12:54:21 PM »
Quote

JULIA: It's always something with you, isn't it, Barnabas? "Julia, cure me of my affliction so I can stalk Maggie Evans!" "Julia, save me from Angelique and the frickin' Dream Curse!" "Julia, while you're in town, please drop off my Inverness cape at the cleaners!"

(Before Barnabas can reply, there is a knock at the door; Barnabas answers it, annoyed to see JEFF CLARK.)

BARNABAS: Clark! I'm in no mood for a real estate seminar...


ROFL ! [lghy]

That damned Barnabas!  What AILS him, anyway?

-CLC
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Offline TERRY308

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2002, 01:29:33 PM »
That was hilarious!  I got up at 6:00, see what was happening on the forum, and this was on.  I laughed and laughed.  That was great!
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Cassandra:  I have a potion.  You know it well.  As soon as she drinks it, within an hour, she will go to sleep and have the dream.
Nicholas:  I am much to talented to spend my time drugging drinks.

Offline Carol

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2002, 02:41:19 PM »
This was great! Please do more!
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carolinamooon

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Offline scout75

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2002, 04:48:10 PM »
Quote
Scout74  That was hilarious!!  LOL!!  Thanks for the laughs!  ;)


Tee-hee...Scout74.

My evil twin...or is he the good one?
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BARNABAS: Here at Collinwood, old hates don't die. They lie in wait for the innocent and unsuspecting...

QUENTIN: We're guaranteed to make you believe (spells) exist. Our entire family can be explained in no other way...

Offline Raineypark

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #10 on: July 12, 2002, 06:02:40 PM »
EXCELLENT, Scout75!

Gawd, we've got so much talent around here.....I'd bet we could produce a new version of DS ourselves....if only:
A)we could pry Dan Curtis' fingers off the rights to it!!....and
B) we could all afford to give up our day jobs!

"Say kids!  Let's stage a Dark Shadows Musical in the barn!!"

[lghy]

Rainey
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Offline RingoCollins

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2002, 07:28:37 PM »
Brilliant!

and a ref to the VELVETS!

[and the Bonzos, both on this board in the same week!  bravo!]

cheers,
Ringo, waiting for the man....
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We sing, we dance.....and we don't need pants!

Offline scout75

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2002, 08:46:56 PM »
Aw, shucks...

You know, of course, all your kind comments only encourages me to persist in this type of behavior.

Seriously, though: I'm glad you enjoyed reading this goofiness as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Thanks!
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BARNABAS: Here at Collinwood, old hates don't die. They lie in wait for the innocent and unsuspecting...

QUENTIN: We're guaranteed to make you believe (spells) exist. Our entire family can be explained in no other way...

Offline Ben

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2002, 04:48:03 AM »
Hi, Scout 75:

Wry, clever, droll, silly, and riotous -- all rolled into one!  Love the up-to-the-minute references to Roger Davis and our very own ProfStokes (who should be flattered to be mentioned), as well as the one-word one-liners ("Lulu," "Twiggy").  

You should write a sketch that a bunch of us on this board can perform (and steal the show with) at next year's Fest.

Will ya, please, will ya??
Ben
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Offline kuanyin

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Re: Meanwhile, at the Old House...
« Reply #14 on: July 13, 2002, 06:01:23 AM »
Quote
JULIA: I realize I couldn't come in here in the middle of the night buck naked with a bottle of Drambuie and make you notice me!


In all the hilarity, you hit me with this statement. I think I'm having a realization....I know someone who just turned 40 and really thinks that noone over 23 is worth even looking at. Now he's the last guy I would want, but the whole "sweet young thang" bit confuses me. What is wrong with someone that they can't appreciate a real woman? I don't expect a young guy to be attracted to me, but I sure don't see why someone my own age wouldn't be.

Could it be that they are so lowly motivated in their sex drive that they REQUIRE a SWT to get going? I always thought it was a sexual insecurity, but maybe it is more like a lack of sexuality.

BTW, this was great, It just got me to pondering after I got back up off the floor.
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"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly, rather than not at all." G.K. Chesterton
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