The Top Ten List...

...Of Television Programs To Watch, Now That The Sci-Fi Channel Has Pulled The Plug On Dark Shadows:

(1) Tune into Carleton Sheets' "Get Rich Through Real Estate Purchases Infomercial." (If Burke Devlin could make his first million that way, why can't any of us do it too?)

(2) Watch both ABC's "Good Morning America" and NBC's "Today Show." (See who can affect more "sincerity" and "empathy" while interviewing a guest, Diane "The Ice Queen" Sawyer or Katie Couric, the undisputed "Queen of Perkiness.")

(3) Check out C-Span's "Washington Journal" with the always equable Brian Lamb. (Familiarize yourself with the political platforms of both Congressman Dennis Kucinich and the Rev. Al Sharpton before their respective presidential campaigns, not to mention their respective political careers, fade into oblivion a la Harold Stassen and Ross Perot.)

(4) Turn on the Weather Channel. (See if that perpetual thunderstorm front over Hancock County, Maine, home county of the mythical and beloved town of Collinsport, Maine, has, in fact , ever shown any sign of moving out to sea like even Bill Malloy's corpse eventually did.)

(5) Tune into ESPN's "Body Shaping Show." (Endeavor to get in shape by getting off of that couch and forcing your overweight and over-aged body to do all of those aerobic and body building exercises along with Kiana, Mary-Jean, Page, Rick, Jennifer, Kendall and the rest of the gang on the show!)

(6) Put on the morning repeats of "Nash Bridges" on the USA Network. (Check out how cool Don Johnson still is, and marvel at how that perfectly-tailored vest under his suit almost conceals that late, fifty-something paunch of his. Come to think of it, the aging, former star of "Miami Vice" might want to check out ESPN's "Body Shaping Show" too!)

(7) Turn on MSNBC's "Imus In The Morning Show." (See if the "I-Man" can stay awake, let alone sentient, for the entire program.)

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Watch the Ronco Rotisserie Grill Infomercial in its entirety. (Of course, the host/inventor of this wonderful product is the esteemed Ron Popeil, who also invented the renowned "GLH-9 Hair Treatment," which many of the male characters/actors in the recent 1840 story line, apparently, took "full" use of!

While watching Mr. Popeil painstakingly explain and demonstrate, how quickly and effectively the Ronco Rotisserie Grill can cook even a large Thanksgiving Day turkey in less than half the time of an ordinary conventional oven, think of how Willie Loomis could have used one, plugged via extension cord from the Old House, into the cigarette lighter of Barnabas' Cadillac Eldorado, cooking Willie's nightly meal of hot dogs and a can of B&M Baked Beans.

And, just imagine how quickly Mrs. Johnson could have butchered the much-anticipated ham dinner at Collinwood on Easter Sunday. Yes, Mrs. Johnson brings new meaning to the famous Ronco Rotisserie Grill motto: "Just Set It and Forget It!" like, "Just Set It and Ruin It!").

(9) Detemine whether "Live With Regis and Kelly" or "Living It up With Ali and Jack" routinely gets the vaunted "A-List" guests on their show, such as Bill Murray, Beyonce Knowles and Shirley MacLaine or the dreaded "B-List" guests, such as Antonio Sabato, Jr., Salt N' Peppa and the always irrepressible Mario Cantone. (My money is on Mr. Philbin and Ms. Ripa for getting the "numero uno" guests on their show!)

(10) Finally, tune into "Simply Quilts" on HGTV. (See if you can follow the nice lady's directions so that you can finally sew your own God-damned version of that unbelievably ubiquitous patterned quilt, that appeared even more frequently than either dirtbag Buzz Hackett or that always convivial bartender, Bob Rooney, ever did, on four-plus years of Dark Shadows!!!)