Hey gang,

In the past I have speculated whether the the residents of Collinsport were faithful members of a church in town or not.  Of course, we know that Abigail Collins was just "slightly" fervent in her religious beliefs.  Yet, I wonder if she was a devout member of an organized church in Collinsport?  Until the "righteous" Rev. Trask showed up in town we never saw any evidence of Abigail's steadfast religious piety.

Our insightful fellow cousin, Gerard, once commented that it would have been great fun to have seen Barnabas' fiancee Josette DuPree and her father Andre, and salt-of-the earth aunt, Natalie, leaving Collinwood at around 11:30 PM to attend Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.  (Wouldn't it have been terrific to have observed Barnabas' stuffy and hidebound father's reaction to that display of religious faith and commitment at that time of night?)

It's too bad that we never heard about any churches and their congregations in contemporary Collinsport either.  I would have loved to have seen the aptly named church of "Our Lady of Lost Souls," with possibly Blue Whale bartender Bob Rooney's older brother, Brendan F.X. Rooney, as the church's pastor.

As to the official patron saint of Collinsport, I can think of no better one than the revered and most holy St. Blaise.  Just think how much Barnabas, Aristede, Desmond and Bruno, among others,  would have appreciated the presence of some kindly priest or minister, following St. Blaise's example, and bestowing upon them the blessing of the throat by two candles as Angelique or Judah Zachary was trying to, literally, choke the life out of them?

Yes, I can definitely see Barnabas, Willie, Dr. Hoffman and the rest of the Collins family lining up to have Father Brendan F.X. Rooney blessing their throats with those holy candles of his.  (Heck, maybe even Buzz Hackett and Harry Johnson might stop by for the holy blessing by Father Brendan?)

Angelique's "shoulders" tonight!!

No kidding,  it was around eight degrees in the Big Apple today; I shudder to think what the thermometer hit up there in "balmy" Collinsport, Maine today!

Can you imagine how "warm" and "toasty" Barnabas and ol' Willie must be in the Old House, which does not, unfortunately, feature the thoroughly "modern convenience" of central heating?   The thought of poor Willie, schlepping outside to get some more firewood for the drawing room fireplace is just too painful to contemplate.  (And I don't even want to think of the "discomfort" Willie must have experienced, if he had to make a rather hasty 3:00 AM visit to the Old House outhouse.)

And how many prospective customers went out and braved the chilly Maine winds, coming in from Collinsport Bay, to hoist a few at the Blue Whale tonight?  I'll bet that Bob Rooney had to close the joint up early.

As the wonderful Dark Shadows novelist Dale Clark once pointed out, it's too bad that we never got to see winter depicted on Dark Shadows during its nearly five-year-run. What fun it would have been to have seen the eminent Prof. T. Elliott Stokes, arriving at Collinwood, attired in a L.L. Bean Baxter State Parka, and also wearing goose-down insulated mittens and an L.L. Bean "Mad Bomber Hat," just like the ones former President George H.W. Bush and his wife, Barbara, are said to wear when they're both out walking along the beach near Walker's Point in equally frigid Kennebunkport, Maine!

Hey gang,

I'll bet that you're all as big a fan of "Dancing with the Stars" as I am.   I can't begin to describe to you what a tremendous vicarious thrill I get, watching these noted celebrities distinguish themselves on the dance floor for all of America to see and marvel at.

And, isn't Tom Bargeron (sp?) absolutely suave and self-assured (if not incredibly oleaginous) as the "Dancing with the Stars'' host?

I got to thinking what if Collinsport held its own "Dancing with the Stars" event?  Wouldn't the smooth and unfailingly unctuous Nicholas Blair be the perfect master of ceremonies for Collinsport's own local dance contest?

And, for the panel of renowned and knowledgeable dance judges, how about these eminent and learned Collinsport jurists to judge the contestants: Crathorne, Matigan and Wiley?  (I think those are  their correct last names.)

As to possible competing couples at the event, I've come up with these dance team contestants:

1. Quentin Collins and his "beloved" wife, Jenny Racosi-Collins - Wouldn't it be something to see Quentin and Jenny, dancing cheek-to-cheek, and gracefully pirouetting across the dance floor,  with Quentin trying to strangle Jenny, and Jenny, returning the "favor," by trying to plunge a knife into her handsome hubby's back?

2. Count Petofi and Aristede -  Okay, I realize that May/December relationships rarely work out (except for possibly Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher).  Nevertheless, it would be fascinating to see the reserved and worldly-wise count dancing the tango with the younger and, decidedly, foppish Beau Brummell; think of La Cage Aux Folles, a la Collinsport, Maine!

3.Magda and Sandor Racosi - In stark contrast to the elegant and refined dance performances of both the Collinses and of the European count and the narcissistic dandy, we would be thrilled to see the Racosi's, engaged in a wild, uninhibited, and almost bacchanalian, gypsy dance.

Magda and Sandor would, no doubt, elicit approving oohs-and-ahhs from the enthusiastic audience as they swirled breathlessly around the dance floor, and tried to simultaneously pick each other's pockets to everyone's delight!

4. Bathia Mapes and Ezra Braithwaite - Yes, in a nod to "Dancing with the Stars'" own ageless, senior citizen contestants, actress Cloris Leachman and astronaut Buzz Aldrin, we would see Collinsport's own version of the "Young-At-Heart" contingent, wow everyone as they segued seamlessly from the fox-trot to the funky chicken.  As the eternally-youthful Bathia and Ezra are wont to say: "Age is a state of mind!"

As to whom might be Barnabas Collins' dance partner, I'll leave it to you.  (There certainly are enough comely Collinsport women who could Mr. B.'s fellow contestant.)

Can you think of any other possible Collinsport "Dancing with the Stars" dance teams?

Bob the Bartender, President of the Denny Terrio "Dance Fever" Fan Club

PS Happy New Year!

Hey gang,

In watching the Parallel Time 1970 episodes recently, I was struck at how much Buffie Harrington's life seemed to be like that of the great actress Barbra Stanwyck's character's life in the memorable 1930s tearjerker, "Stella Dallas."

Poor Buffie, she works as a waitress in a dive like The Eagle, and she gets to date real losers like Steve-the-Longshoreman, Collinsport's "proud" answer to such "renowned" American Neanderthals as New Orleans' Stanley Kowalski or Long Island's Joey Buttafucco.   No wonder Buffie gets "no respect" like the late, lamented Mr. Dangerfield always did (or didn't?).

Sadly,  Buffie did not raise her social status appreciably when she started to date (or is that tolerate?) John Yeager, the epitome of evil and cruelty (and, not to mention an avid fan of exceedingly "understated" zoot suits).  And, what happens when Buffie finally meets an urbane gentleman of obvious breeding and savoir-faire? He puts the lousy bite on her!

Of course, Buffie did not help herself at all, what with the extremely garish selection of clothes she seemed to favor.  I mean,  in that cheap, imitation royal blue leather coat of hers, Buffie displayed all of the "style," "taste" and timeless "elegance" of Peg Bundy at a "blue light special" at K-Mart's (or possibly even Walmart's).

So, after Barnabas and Dr. Hoffman departed unexpectedly for 1995, what may have happened to the hapless Ms. Harrington?  Did Quentin and Maggie, in an act of selfless kindness, offer Buffie her old job back with the family as a maid at where ever the Collins family was now residing after the conflagration at Collinwood? Or did Buffie eventually relocate to "scenic" Seaside Park, New Jersey, where Ms. Harrington began life anew as a much-in-demand nail manicurist, and chilling out with such stylish and upscale yuppies as the comely "Snooky" Polizzi, the unfailingly convivial Paulie "Walnuts," the eternally young-at-heart Sen. Frank Lautenberg and  the rest of the beautiful literati  on the breathtakingly spectacular  New Jersey shore?

Bob the Bartender

Hey gang,

I was watching the Leviathan (or Leviathon?) episodes recently and I was mightily "impressed" with the great degree of "alacrity" and apparent "professionalism" which the Collinsport Fire Department employed in putting out the fire at the Todd antique shop, located conveniently in downtown Collinsport.

Heck, by the time that the, presumably, volunteer fire brigade arrived there, the Todd antique shop was completely finito.  Evidently, the C.F.D. was about as "on-the-ball" as were Sheriffs Patterson and Davenport (May he rest in peace/pieces.)  in their seemingly neverending and unfailingly fruitless searches  for the killer(s) of all of those Collinsport towns people over the years.  I venture to say that more residents of Collinsport were "offed" between 1968-to-1970 than were citizens of Philadelphia during a similar three-year time span!  

By the way, did the "crack" Collinsport homicide detectives really  believe that the meek and mellow Phillip Todd, looking ever-so-sharp in that ubiquitous cardigan sweater of his,  had knocked-off all of those people by somehow "sliming" and singeing them?  (Years later, when I saw Bill Murray get "slimed" in "Ghostbusters" by a malevolent entity, I thought that that evil entity might be a possible kindred spirit of Jeb Hawkes'.)
 
And, just who comprised the members of the Collinsport Fire Department?  There could not have been very many younger men on the force.  After all, most of the younger Collinsport men had either departed (usually violently) from this mortal coil or had simply blown town; Tom Jennings, Mr. Wells, and Bruno Hess falling into the former category, and Joe Haskell, Buzz Hackett (?), and possibly also Tony Petersen in the latter category.  (Who the heck knows what eventually happened to the hippie, Sebatian "Mr. Maine Moonbeam" Shaw, after Barnabas, Dr. Hoffman, and Prof. Stokes returned from 1840?) 

Do you think that the senior members of the Collinsport Volunteer Fire Depatment would allow Harry "Itchy Fingers" Johnson or even Willie "Light Fingers" Loomis on the force?  I don't think so!  No former jail birds allowed, thank you very much.

So, who was left to make up the members of the C.F.D.? Possibly, such "spry" and "still-active" local citizens as the Eagle Hill Cemetery Caretaker ("This is a frightening, evil place," this faithful, Geritol-using senior citizen might have said about the Todd antique shop.),  the venerable Prof. T. Elliott Stokes (still endeavoring to remain on Dr. Irwin Stillman's world-famous water diet) and the professor's fellow academic and, yet, still frisky, colleague, Prof. Henry (?) Osmund; and how about the fire squad's "baby" member,  the fifty-something, bartender/proprietor of the Blue Whale himself, the inimitable Bob Rooney?   (I can envision Bob calmly lighting up his stogie from the flames engulfing the antique shop, courtesy of Barnabas "The Pyromaniac" Collins.)  No wonder the God-d@mned place burned completely to the ground!!!  

So, here's to the brave and selfless members of the Collinsport Volunteer Fire Department; may their fire axes always be sharp, may their 1920 fire engine always be running in tip-top condition, and may their copious supplies of Flomax, Depends and Aricept never run out!!!  

Bob the Bartender

PS In Memoriam (such former hallowed C.F.D. members as):
 
Ezra Braithwaite, Matthew Morgan, Charles Delaware Tate, Sam Evans and Bill Malloy  

Hey gang,

Watching some of the wild and frenetic 1968 Dark Shadows episodes the other day, I wondered if the local glass repair guys could keep up with the unexpected increase in business that apparently occurred at that time.

I mean, first, Chris Jennings (in his lycanthropic "state") smashed though the large Blue Whale Tavern glass window just before he tragically "offed" that poor, unnamed waitress, who was in the process of closing-up for the night.

Next, "Chris" crashed through that magnicent, large slanted window overlooking Sam Evans' art studio in the Evans cottage (much to Joe Haskell's great surprise and chagrin!). 

Of course, both the Blue Whale and the Evans cottage were crime scenes, meaning that it would take months for Sheriff Patterson and his "crack" band of police officers to fully investigate those two crime scenes.   (Maybe the local repair guys had to wait interminably for Collinsport's "answer" to CSI Miami to complete their criminal inquiries?) 

However, what about the third time, when "Chris" bashed through Barnabas' front window at the Old House in pursuit of Jeb Hawkes?  Do you think that Barnabas schlepped over to Collinwood to use the telephone and called the local glass repair guys to fix his window?  (Remember, Willie Loomis, Barnabas' handyman extraordinaire, was not yet around to fix Mr. B's widow.  Willie showed up at Collinwood later, after Jeb had sicced that bat on Barnabas.) 

So, just how did Barnabas explain the "mundane" nature of his broken window to the repair guys?  Did Barnabas possibly tell them that his irrepressible, young nephew, David, had accidentally thrown a baseball or kicked a soccer ball through the Old House drawing room window, hoping that they woudn't inform Sheriff Patterson of, yet, another smashed window incident in Collinsport?

Bob the Bartender 

PS It's too bad that "Chris"never crashed through those two long glass windows in the drawing room of Collinwood just as Roger was enjoying his fifth fine snifter of brandy!       

Hey gang,

Of all of the most disagreeable members of the Collins family (and with PT1970 Quentin Collins and 1840's Gabriel Collins there have been more than just a few of them), I  find Judith Collins-Trask, the late-19th century mistress of Collinwood, the most difficult to figure out.

When we first see Judith during the start of the 1897 storyline, Judith almost seems to revel in locking horns with her younger brothers, uppity Edward and Carl "The Comedian" Collins, for control of the family fortune.  When perpetual bad-boy Quentin Collins shows up, Judith wastes no love on the youngest and, aguably, most charming Collins sibling either.

Of course, Judith is "slightly" less than thoughtful and generous towards the members of the Collinwood staff as well; Judith treats Collinwood head groundskeeper Dirk Wilkins like the proverbial peon (but, then again, Dirk does eventually even the score with his bumptious boss), and, the shameles way that Judith treats the long-suffering, but, ever-faithful Beth Chavez is way beyond the pale.

In addition, being the inveterate nasty-yenta that she is, Judith tries (unsuccessfully) to convince Collins family matriarch Grandmama Edith Collins to evict Edith's friend/fortuneteller, Magda Racosi and Magda's picaresque husband, Sandor, from the Old House.  In short, Judith Collins is an extremely parsimonious and cynical individual, who probably wouldn't give her own loving mother the time of day on Christmas morning.

And, yet, after Edith dies and leaves virtually everything in her will to Judith and in sole charge of Collinwood, what does "Miss Misanthrope of 1897" do?  She proceeds to fall in love with the shifty Rev. Gregory Trask, a true Tartuffe, and a man I like to think of as "The Eliot Spitzer of Collinsport, Maine"!  I mean, how could someone as suspicious and  judgmental as Judith fall for a pious con man like the Rev. Trask?  (And Judith marries the oily and sanctimonious creep about a week, maybe, after the "reverend" has his "beloved" wife Minera "offed." Go figure!)

So, is Judith the shrew to end all shrews or is she a poor, misunderstood and, ultimately, lonely soul, looking for love in, most decidely, the wrong place?

Bob the Bartender

Hey gang,

As I was watching "The DaVinci Code" the other night , I was struck at how much the stunningly beautiful French actress, Audrey Tautou, looks like Alexandra Moltke of Dark Shadows.

PS That self-flagellating monk in the flick reminded me of a masochistic Diabolos!