Hey, gang,

I was looking at the DS Bloopers tape the other day, and I got a kick out of seeing all of those uninvited "guests," making life somewhat challenging for the DS actors.

There certainly were enough "gadflies" to pester and annoy the actors as they attempted to hit their marks and recite their lines flawlessly.  Here are a few of the more memorable flies:

1797 - Joshua discusses the "desirability" of Millicent as a wife with an extremely skeptical Jeremiah as a fly makes a perfect three-point landing on the tip of Louis Edmonds' nose.  (It is a tribute to Mr. Edmonds' great sense of sangfroid, that he was able to maintain his cool and deliver his lines perfectly.)   

1840 - Lamar Trask and Samantha Collins are involved in a serious discussion in the drawing room of Collinwood as a fly buzzes Lamar and then lands on the tip of Samantha's nose.  (Virginia Vestoff proves to be as good an acting trooper as Mr. Edmonds. In fact, I wonder if it was that same fly, who had attacked Mr. Edmonds in 1797?)

1967 - As Dr. Hoffman is checking out the basement of the Old House to see if it is suitable enough to use as a lab for her proposed experiment with Barnabas, Mr. B. and Willie are up in the drawing room, with Barnabas gravely informing Willie Loomis: "I will do away with her now."  Right at that very moment, an extremely persistent fly lands on Barnabas' face, repeatedly, forcing the somber vampire to keep swatting away at the pesky, little b@st@rd.  (At the soap opera celebration special back around 1995, the assembled audience of hundreds of daytime actors, including Jonathan Frid, KLS and Lara Parker, erupted into uproarious laughter at this classic "Dark Shadows" scene in a segment devoted to soap opera bloopers.) 

1968 - As the avenging ghost of the original Rev. Trask is attempting to exorcise Cassandra (whom the reverend has tied to a tree in the woods not far from Collinwood),  yet another determined and seemingly indefatigable fly acts like a kamikaze pilot, buzzing around the "good" reverend's head.  (I especially like this fly "cameo appearance," because actor Jerry Lacy is equally determined to deliver his dramatic and decidedly verbose rite of exorcism to the point that he starts blowing air out of the side of his mouth in an oh-so-vain attempt to get the little pain-in-the-@ss out of his closeup.  Kudos to Mr. Lacy!)

PT 1970 - While lying in bed and perusing a book ("The Poems and Songs of Robert Burns," I think?), new bride Maggie Evans-Collins is forced to swat at another seemingly tireless fly.  (I'm almost surprised that KLS did not just try to trap the little stinker in between a couple pages of that Robert Burns tome and squish the d@mned thing!)     

There are several more gadfly "aerial sorties" on the blooper tape, including Mrs. Stoddard being attacked in the drawing room of Collinwood, and a fly landing on the (ringing) telephone in Paul Stoddard's room at the Collinsport Inn.

You know, just once I would have like to have seen bartender Bob Rooney, trying to pulverize an annoying horsefly with a fly swatter on the top of the bar at the Blue Whale. Or, perhaps a scene in which Roger Collins is seen sitting by the fireplace in the Collinwood drawing room, enjoying a particularly fine brandy, and revelling in the utter civility of the moment as Mrs. Johnson suddenly storms into the room, with a can of Raid Flying Insect Spray in hand, attempting to spray the little b@st@rd to death.  (Do you think that Roger might say something pithy, like:  "Mrs. Johnson, will you stop spraying that odious cr@p all over the room, for Christ's sake!?!")   

So, do you have favorite "cameo appearance" by a fly on "Dark Shadows"?

Bob, who likes those sticky strips, that you can hang from from a lamp and try to catch the little "darlings."   

Hey, gang,

I don't know about you, but I've always enjoyed those television characters who seem to have their noses perpetually up in the air, and, then generally, rather abruptly, are given their just comeuppances.

Anyway, for what it's worth, in descending order, here are t.v.'s top ten greatest snobs:

10 - Chatsworth Osborne, Jr. - Dobie Gillis' extremely affluent and snotty rival (portrayed by actor Steve Franken) for all of the beautiful girls in town on "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis."

9 - Simon Brimmer - The supercilious radio host and sleuth (portrayed by the superb John Hillerman), who is always bested by the unfailingly polite and perspicacious Ellery Queen (portrayed by the greatly underrated Jim Hutton) in the 1970s mystery/comedy show, "Ellery Queen."

8 - Mrs. Margaret Drysdale - The wonderfully snooty, society lady (portrayed by Harriet G. MacGibbon) who is absolutely appalled by the next door presence of  new millionaire Jed Clampett and his country kinfolk on "The Beverly Hillbillies."

7 - Hyacinth Bucket  (pronounced "bouquet") - Great Britain's greatest social climber (portrayed by the remarkable Patricia Routledge); a woman who makes Madame DeFarge look like Mother Teresa in her dealings with and treatment of other people on "Keeping Up Appearances."

6 - Mr and Mrs. Thurston Howell III - arguably the most affluent shipwrecked castaways ever (portrayed by the terrific Jim "Mr. Magoo" Bachus and Red Bank, N.J.'s own Natalie Schaffer); how Thurston and "Lovey" managed to "keep up appearances" so stylishly on that tiny island for so long on "Gilligan's Island" is beyond me.

5 - Audrey fforbes-Hamilton - an upperclass, toffee-nosed British woman (portrayed by the indomitable Penelope Keith), whom Hyacinth Bucket dreams of one day eventually becoming (but never will) on "To the Manor Born."  (Ms. Keith was also superb as the ultimate stuck-up British yenta, Margo Leadbetter, on "The Good Neighbors.")

4 - Basil Fawlty - probably the most arrogant, albeit inept, hotel proprietor/manager in television history (portrayed by the always manic John Cleese) on the classic "Fawlty Towers."  (Think of Basil Fawlty as a cynical and misanthropic Mr. Wells.  I know it's hard to do.)

3 - Jonathan Higgins - the very proper British major domo  (also portrayed by the incredibly Texas born John Hillerman) of writer Robin Masters' magnificent estate on the island of Oahu, who seemingly is forever locking horns with the laidback (not to mention extremely sloppy) resident security man/estate guest, Thomas Magnum (portrayed by the terrific Tom Selleck), on "Magnum, P.I."

2 - Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester, III - the quintessential Boston brahim/U.S. Army surgeon  (portrayed by the wonderfully hubristic David Ogden Stiers), who considers his fellow screwball Korean War surgeons/officers, "Hawkeye" Pierce and B.J. Hunnicut (portrayed by Alan Alda and Mike Farrell) as common guttersnipes beneath his very contempt.

And, I think you know whom THE greatest television snob of all time is, the man close to the hearts of "Dark Shadows" fans near and far, the one-and-only:

1 - Roger Collins !!! - Yes, Collinsport, Maine's own "regular guy" (portrayed by the truly immortal Louis Edmonds), a man who must have been an inspiration and role model to both George Plimpton and the late, great William F. Buckley!

Kathryn Leigh Scott expressed it best when, in her first book, "My Scrapbook Memories of Dark Shadows." she described Roger Collins as "being arch and aristocratic played to delicious perfection by the arch and aristocratic Louis Edmonds."   I always enjoyed the brother/sister squabbles between Louis Edmonds and  Joan Bennett as (Collinwood matriarch Elizabeth Collins Stoddard).  Ms. Scott described those memorable scenes as a "study in icy disdain, no one could quite sneer like Louis Edmonds."

Remember when Roger, after having been out of town for several days, finds out that Carolyn has actually married the despicable Jeb Hawkes, Elizabeth reminds her younger brother that the family had not approved of her own marriage to Paul Stoddard, to which Roger, in his own inimitable and mordant style replies, "And, with disastrous results!"  Oh, I loved it! 

Perhaps the late Sam Evans, a true regular guy, hit the proverbial nail on the head, when he said to Roger, over a couple of drinks at the Blue Whale:

"Roger, you ARE a snob!"

So, kudos to the late, great Louis Edmonds, for his absolutely consummate performance as t.v.'s greatest snob.  

Hey, gang,

No doubt, many lifelong fans of Dark Shadows have fantasized at one time or another about actually living in the mythical New England fishing village of Collinsport, Maine.  (I know I have!)  And if you've ever travelled to Maine, you know what an incredibly beautiful state Maine truly is, especially at this time of year. 

However, if by some Twilight Zone-like twist of fate or fortune, you were able to become a resident of Collinsport, where would you like to set up digs?  I suppose many Dark Shadows fans/cousins would select the great house of Collinwood as their first choice of residence.  And, many others might want to settle down in the Collins family's first home, that of the Old House.

Perhaps other fans/cousins might opt for one of the smaller residences on the Collins estate, including Matthew Morgan's old cottage, the carriage house (where the newlyweds Jeb and Carolyn Hawks lived for a brief time); then there's the House-by-the-Sea (which warlock Nicholas Blair rented from the Collins family for several months), and I believe, Seaview, where Vicky and Burke were eventually going to move into after they were married.  (Alas, we know that that never happened.)

Other possibilities include the quaint and cozy Evans cottage, which, I believe, was KLS' favorite set on the show.  You know, we never actually got to see the second floor of the Evans cottage.  (It always struck me as funny that Sam and Maggie had their bedrooms on the first floor of the cottage.  I'd have thought that their bedrooms would have been on the second floor?)

Of course, there's always the McGruder Mansion, which we got to see during Dark Shadows' final year on the air.  That place (and I mean the real one and not the replica in the playroom) always looked like a Ken & Barbie dollhouse.  And, then there were the apartment buildings in which Prof. Stokes, Joe Haskell, Tony Peterson and Jeff Clark lived in.  While Prof. Stokes and Tony Peterson's apartments didn't look bad, it looked to as if both Joe Haskell and Jeff Clark lived in flophouses.

As to my own preference, well, I think that Collinwood, as magnificent as it was, was just too darned big.  (And, I'd always be concerned that I might accidentally walk into one of Collinwood's many secret passage ways, and get hopelessly lost, when I was anxiously "searching" for a "water closet" at about four in the morning!)    And, let's not even talk about how much it must have cost to keep the lights, water, heating, etc., on in Collinwood!  

On the other hand, as cool as the Old House is, I don't think that I could ever handle the lack of electricity, hot-and-cold running water, central heating and air conditioning, but MOST of all, I don't think that I could EVER get used to "employing" the chamber pots and outdoor out house(s) which Banabas and Willie, no doubt, made frequent use of.  (I venture to say that the lack of "facilities" in the Old House had to have been the toughest thing for poor Willie to accept/adjust to after he went to "work" for Mr. B.)

Oh yeah, there is also the late, lamented Dr. Eric Lang's house, which looks incredibly like the late, unlamented Rev. Gregory Trask's boarding school of Worthington Hall.  (Dr. Lang's house also kind of reminds me of Herman Munster's homestead at 1313 Mockingbird Lane in Mockingbird Heights, USA, but I digress.)

So, I have to say that I like both the Evans cottage and the House-by-the-Sea, but I'd have to go with Nicholas Blair's former Collinsport residence.  The thought of living by the sea is very appealing to me (barring any future Hurricanes Katrina or Sandy hitting the East coast.)  And, the prospect of living in that isolated house with neither noisy nor nosy neighbors around to annoy me is EXTREMELY appealing!!!

So, which Collinsport/Collinwood house (or apartment) would you like to live in?

Bob   

       

Hey, gang,

Did you ever wonder what Barnabas did to pass the time of night on those occasions when he wasn't "quenching" his "thirst"?

Well, since we all know that Barnabas eschewed all of the "modern conveniences" in the Old House, maybe he spent a considerable amount of time by curling up in a chair in the Old House drawing room, and reading a good book by candlelight (just like he probably did during those cold winter nights in Maine during the late 18th century)?

Now, Barnabas did have a selection of books, albeit a rather small selection, in that bookcase in front of the secret room in the Old House.  So, perhaps he borrowed any number of books from Mrs. Stoddard's voluminous library in the great house of Collinwood?  Then again, perhaps he also sent Willie Loomis into town regularly, so that Willie could request the latest book releases at the Collinsport library or to purchase both books and magazines at Collinsport's local book store?  (Maybe Barnabas even became a regular subscriber to such respected magazines as National Geographic, Time and, possibly, National Lampoon?)

Of course, after being locked up in that coffin for so many years, Barnabas had a heck of a lot of catching up to do.  I'd have to think that Barnabas would want to read a cross section of works, encompassing history, fiction and world travel.

Here are a few titles I think that Mr. B. would enjoy reading at about three in the morning in the Old House:

1. "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy - coming in at 1388 pages long.

2. "Shogun: The Epic Novel of Japan" by James Clavell - coming in at 998 pages long.

3. "The Complete Works of Sherlock Holmes" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - with four novels and 56 short stories coming in at over 1000 pages.  (Note: The Strand Magazine began publishing Sir Arthur's stories about the world's most famous consulting detective in the late 19th century, so Barnabas might have read some of these works after he I-Chinged back to Collinwood in 1897, and Judith or Edward just happened to have the Strand Magazine lying about in the drawing room at Collinwood.) 

4. "Truman" by David G. McCullough - coming in at 1117 pages long.  Being an astute student of history, both American and European, perhaps Barnabas would enjoy reading Mr. McCullough's superb biography of "Give "Em Hell" Harry Truman.  (I venture to say that we could also use a truly great leader like Harry Truman today, but I digress.)

5. "Noble House" also by James Clavell  - coming in at 1370 pages.  Mr. Clavell's novel dealing with contemporary Hong Kong would probably keenly interest a former sea captain like Barnabas, who had traveled much of the known world in the 18th century.

Can you think of any other  books, preferably long ones, which might interest Barnabas and help him "make it through the night," so to speak?

Bob

Hey, gang,

I'm sure everyone has seen those highly informative reverse mortgage commercials on tv, featuring such popular celebrity spokespersons as James Garner, former U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson, Robert Wagner, Barbara Eden, and, of course, Mr. Henry Winkler.


Well, I wondered if Barnabas Collins, now that he'd be in his late seventies, at least, (or 243 years of age in "vampire years"), perhaps Barnabas might want to consider the benefits of a reverse mortgage as he approached his golden years?  After all, Mr. B. owns the house outright, and as he once proudly informed Vicky Winters: "This magnicent house was built to last for untold centuries to come."  (And, after nearly 220 years of existence, Barnabas was not just whistling Dixie about the structural soundness of the Old House!) 

Heck, maybe even Mrs. Stoddard or even Roger Collins and Carolyn Stoddard might want to inquire as to the financial advisability of securing a reverse morgage on the great house of Collinwood itself?  Maybe the Collins family might want to determine how much money they could receive on a reverse mortgage on some of the other smaller properties on their vast estate, including Matthew Morgan's old cottage, the carriage house, the House-by-the Sea (which warlock Nicholas Blair once rented from the family), and that charming Seaview House (which the apparently ill-fated Burke Devlin was going to purchase from Mrs. Stoddard as a wedding gift for Vicky)?

Perhaps Maggie Evans might also want to consider securing a reverse mortgage on the cottage which she and her late father, Sam, lived in for so many years?   

Somehow, I don't believe that Dr. Julia Hoffman could get a reverse mortgage on a medical facility like Windcliff.

Can you think of any other Collinsport residents who might reap the benefits of a reverse mortgage in their now senior years?

And as Henry Winkler/Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli is wont to say in those truly delightful reverse mortgage commercials of his: "Take control of your retirement To-day!"

       

Hey gang,

Did you think that the songs that director Tim Burton selected for his film, "Dark Shadows," were absolutely right on the mark?  I thought that Mr. Burton hit a grand slam in his selection, beginning with, of course, the great Robert Cobert's eerie "The Secret Room," and, then segueing into the classic scene of Vicky (or was that Maggie or Josette?) onboard the train on her way to Collinsport with The Moody Blues' Justin Hayward intoning, "Nights in White Satin." 

Mr. Burton perfectly captured the zeitgeist of the early 1970s with  such songs as Curtis Mayfield's "Superfly" and Steve Miller's "The Joker."  (Didn't Johnny Depp sound like Sir Ian McKellen, so seriously reciting the lyrics to Steve Miller's seminal hit song?)

Certainly, humor played a great part in Mr. Burton's film version of Barnabas Collins & company.  And, we certainly were provided with much laughter with the great Alice Cooper's appearance and musical performance in the film.  "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "The Ballad of of Dwight Fry" (with the able assistance of young Carolyn Stoddard)  set just the right tone for Mrs. Stoddard's "ball," don't you think? 

Incidentally, I believe that Dwight Fry was a character actor back in the 1930s, who appeared in both the original "Dracula" with Bela Lugosi (Mr. Fry portrayed Mr. Renfield, who was Dracula's victim and who also ate spiders, if my memory does not fail me after all these years), and as one of Dr. Frankenstein's "slightly" demented lab assistants, who has a particularly nasty and fatal confrontation with Boris Karloff on the roof of the Frankenstein castle/laboratory in the original "Frankenstein."   

And, how about that oh-so-energetic love scene between Johnny Depp and Eva Green (as Angelique) with the late, great Barry White singing "Your're the First, The Last, My Everything"!?!    I don't think that I've seen such a "spirited" love scene since I saw Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland get it on in romantic Venice in the film , "Don't Look Now," if I correctly recall that erotic thriller's title.

I think the song that I enjoyed hearing the most in the film, though, was "Top of the World," performed by the late and eternally lovely Karen Carpenter.  To hear that truly angelic voice while Mr. Burton provided us with a series of scenes with Barnabas, attempting to cope with life in the 20th century, was masterful!  As I sat in the theater, the audience (along with yours truly) erupted into paroxyms of laughter, seeing Barnabas supervising the restoration of both Collinwood and the Collins Fishing Cannery, attempting to find "suitable" sleeping accommodations, brushing his fangs in front of the mirror (with predictable "vampiric" results!), and reading Erich Segal's sappy novel, "Love Story," together with a starry-eyed Vicky while sitting romantically at the beach.   That sequence was easily my favorite scene in the film.

After seeing "Dark Shadows," I logged onto Youtube to view some of Karen Carpenter's past  television performances with her equally talented brother Richard and the other musicians in the group, The Carpenters.  After having seen her perform way back in the early 1970s, it was wonderful to see and hear  Ms. Carpenter and the band perform again.  Although, in watching these old videos, I had a sense of sadness, remembering how tragic and untimely  Karen Carpenter's death was, and that she will have been gone for thirty years, come this February.

However, I was extremely pleased in reading some of the comments following the musical videos, that some of the younger people, after having seen the film "Dark Shadows," were interested in checking out Ms. Carpenter's past performances on Youtube.  Many of these younger people, who had never even heard of The Carpenters before seeing the film, expressed great admiration for Ms. Carpenter's musical talent.  In fact, one young woman posted that her interest in Karen Carpenter was piqued after having heard her mother sing right along with Ms. Carpenter as she sang "Top of the World" during that wonderful scene in "Dark Shadows." 

So, I am grateful that Mr. Burton included Ms. Carpenter's song in his film and for providing the younger generation with an opportunity to become acquainted with a truly great singer, of whom composer Paul Williams once said: "Karen Carpenter, she sang like an angel."   

Bob             

Hey gang,

I was watching the new DS film again the other day, and I got to wondering about which version of Barnabas, specifically, Jonathan Frid's or Johnny Depp's version, violated the Fifth Commandment of "Thou Shalt Not Kill" (according to the Augustinian version ) more often.

Now, as best as I can remember, Mr. Frid's version of Barnabas "offed" around twenty people during the original series run on ABC back in the late 1960s/early 1970s.

After seeing the new Dark Shadows film several times, I believe that there were 11 hard hats, seven hippies (the same ones, who gave Vicky/Maggie/Josette a lift in that VW van at the beginning of the film), and, of course, one prominent member of the medical profession, who probably wished that they had not made Barnabas' acquaintance.   

So, which Barnabas do you think was more bloodthirsty, and what's worse (or possibly better): knocking-off twenty people (or so) over a span of nearly four years on television, or knocking-off twenty people (or so) over the span of a film lasting around 144 minutes?   

I'll let you decide.
 
Bob

Hey, gang,

Do you think that Sheriff George Patterson and the other members of the Collinsport Police Department ever got tired all of all those seemingly continuous and unending police emergency phone calls from the good folks who lived at Collinwood?

I mean, it seemed as if there was one crisis after another up there on the great house on the hill: [spoiler]Bill Malloy ends up floating on the water beneath the cliffs at Widow's Hill, Matthew Morgan is on the lam somewhere on the Collinwood estate after admitting that he knocked off Mr. Malloy, Vicky disappears while searching for David on the grounds near the Old House, Adam kidnaps (or abducts) Carolyn Stoddard from the drawing room of Collinwood, Donna Friedlander and Bruno Hess each end up being eviscerated in the woods surrounding Collinwood, and David Collins goes missing on the grounds of Collinwood, literally, far too many times to keep track of! [/spoiler]

I wonder if when the phone rang at the Collinsport Police Department, Sheriff Patterson would almost instinctively say to his deputies: "Jesus Christ, guys, I'll bet it's another one of those 'emergency,' 'life-or-death' phone calls from those pain-in-the @ss Collinses!!!"? 

Aside from ALL of the turmoil up at Collinwood, I'll bet that Sheriff Paterson's daily routine in Collinsport was about as "exciting" as Sheriff Andy Taylor's day was in folksy, homey, and unfailingly tranquil Mayberry, North Carolina.   

I'll venture to say that the most "serious" emergency calls Sheriff Patterson would get (aside from the "usual" catastrophes at Collinwood) would be to break up a fight between Buzz Hackett and Joe Haskell at the Blue Whale or to wait in his patrol car, waiting for drivers, to exceed the posted speed limit on Collinsport Bay Drive on Saturday night .  (By the way, I wonder where the Buzz-man actually lived in Collinsport?  Maybe Buzz lived "simply" and "hippie-style" in a root cellar, like the one Adam took Carolyn to at the old, abandoned Taylor's farm?)

In any event, perhaps Sheriff Patterson was merely counting the days until his retirement, so that he could move down to sunny and beautiful Key West, Florida, just like Gregory Hines' and Billy Crystal's Chicago policemen characters planned to do in the film, "Running Scared"?