Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I loved it when Vickie, standing in the Collins mausoleum, accused Julia of knowing all about the secret room there.  Of course, Dr. H. vehemently (and convincingly) denied any knowledge of the room.

You have to hand it to Julia.  She maintains a great poker face even when confronted with the truth.  They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul.  Yet, Julia, whose veins must be coursing with anti-freeze, remains as cool as cucumber, never betraying her emotions.

If I might paraphrase a famous, former politician who once made a comment about another famous, former politician, "That Julia Hoffman, she's an especially good liar."  John Lovitz's "Liar Man" would, no doubt, be  impressed  by the good doctor's ability to equivocate.

Bob the Bartender, who believes that Julia never heard George Washington's famous words, "I cannot tell a lie."

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

That nurse in Vicki's hospital room today looked very familiar.  You know when you have someone's name on the tip of your tongue and you just can't quite remember the darned name?  

Let's see, I'll try and think of all the angels of mercy that I can think of.  Florence Nightingale, Margaret Houlihan, Dianne Carroll, Julie London, no, it's none of those famous nurses.  Wait a second.  I think that I have it...  Oh, my God!  Vickie's "angel of mercy" is Nurse Ratched from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"!!!

Bob the Bartender, who reminds you that an apple a day keeps Nurse Ratched away.

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I was glad to see that there were no wardrobe continuity bloopers/blunders on today's first episode.  Everyone appeared to wearing the same outfits they had on when Vicki first "departed" on her sojurn into the past several months ago.

Liz still had on her yellow dress.  Roger was still sporting his grey checked sportscoat.  Carolyn was wearing that same blue Nancy Drew dress.  Ms. (now Dr.) Hoffman still had on the same drab brown dress.  And, Mr. B., as always, was sartorially spendid in his navy blue three-piece Brooks Brothers suit.

I think that today's first episode was one of the most compelling episodes of Dark Shadows.  Nancy Barrett's straightforward, yet, profound introductory comments set the right tone for this memorable episode.  Kudos to writer Sam Hall for his superb dialogue and to all of the actors for their wonderful performances.

That being said, I was puzzled by Julia's explanation to Mrs. Stoddard for her coming to Collinwood under false pretenses:  "I came to Collinwood because my medical duties and responsibilities at Windcliff had become too much for me.  I thought that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown," or words to that effect.

Oh yeah, and trying to help a nearly two-hundred-year-old vampire to find a cure for his "disease," (not to mention aiding that same vampire in the plot to murder your lifelong friend and colleague) is NOT enough to drive you over the edge?  Mama mia!  Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that Miss Vicki is not the only one who can traverse time!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who lives by the ancient Taiwanese maxim, "Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see."

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

As far as I'm concerned, the selection of Miss America came five months early.  The great Bathia Mapes, as portrayed by the wonderful Anita Bolster, has become a Dark Shadows icon.

Ms. Bolster was an accomplished film actress before her all-too-brief appearance on Dark Shadows.  Who could ever forget her role as the elegant lady at the dinner party in the occult classic, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"?

Of course, Ms. Bolster was one of the great Alfred Hitchcock's favorite character actresses.  I just loved her role as the bearded circus lady in the renowned British director's film, "Saboteur."

A note on the character of Bathia Mapes.  The good witch's "departure" from the Old House may have been the first known case of spontaneous human combustion.  Perhaps, Tim White, the eloquent host of "Sighting," might want to host an upcoming segment on Ms. Mapes' "unique" exit from Dark Shadows.

By the way, do you think that the ultra-suave Mr. White really believes all of those tales of poltergeists, psychics, and alien abductions?

Bob the Bartender, who reminds you that no mind is closed to an open mystery.  

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

During the last few minutes of today's second episode, I witnessed a feat of estraordinary strength.  As Peter Bradford finished digging up Angelique's "grave," an obviously angst-ridden Ben Stokes leaned up against a mighty oak tree.  Lo and behold, the mamoth tree began to shake as if struck by a bulldozer!  I mean it was incredible to see Ben literally tear the tree up from its roots.  (I thought that the tree was about to come tumbling down on Vickie's attorney/inamorata.)

I always knew that Ben was as strong as an ox, but this feat was positively Herculean.  I think that Angelique made a major mistake when she rejected the romantic overtures of Big, Bad Ben Stokes.  Why, I'd even go so far as to say that Ben Stokes makes the Terminator look like a "girly-man" by comparison.

I can see it now: "ESPN presents Muscle Up with Benny 'The Biceps' Stokes."

Excuse me while I attempt the next Pilates maneuver.  Oh the pain, the pain!!!

Bob the Bartender  

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans:

The Rev. Trask made the following statement to the nefarious Nathan Forbes today: "I'm afraid that physical love is beyond my comprehension."  Oh yeah, then I have one question to ask.  How did little baby Lamar Trask become a gleam in his daddy's eye?

Come to think of it, I wonder what Mrs. Rev. Trask looks like?  Somehow, I envision her as looking remarkably like the wife of Major Frank Burns a/k/a "Ferret Face" on M*A*S*H.   Then again, Rev. Trask's better half might be a dead ringer for that hot blonde on Lexx.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, a closet heterosexual

PS Kudos to Sam Hall for that inspired Rev. Trask line today!

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Although she appeared in only a few episodes, Suki Forbes made an indelible impression on us all.  I admired the way that, even in her last moments on Earth, Suki had the presence of mind to hold on to her wig as Barnabas let her slip down to the floor.

At least, Suki had more air time to demostrate her feminine wiles than that other Dark Shadows vixen, Pansy Faye(but much more about the vocally "talented" Ms. Faye next year).  Thankfully, we have not quite seen the last of Mrs. Forbes, for:


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the ghost of Suki will reappear as a witness for the prosecution in the case against Barnabas Collins, with the ghost of the dishonorable Rev. Ian Trask presiding.  

Say so long to Ruby Tate, the first (but, certainly not the last) slattern to end up floating off the docks in Collinsport Bay.

So, with apologies to Keith Richard and the late Brian Jones:

"Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday,
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you."