Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

When I first saw Sam Evans' death of Dark Shadows many years ago, I was greatly saddened by his passing.  Sam and Maggie always seemed to be such fine and decent people.  Sam's untimely death unfortunately lends credence to the old adage" "Bad things happen to good people."

At Sam's funeral, I can envision Maggie's best friend, Vicky Winters, accompanying her into the church for the service.  Of course, Carolyn and young David (and, perhaps, Mrs, Johnson), representing the Collins family, would also attend.  (Mrs. Stoddard was too upset and fixated with death, thanks to you-know-who, to attend.  And, certainly, there was no love-lost between Roger and Sam for Roger to attend.)  Clearly, Dr. Hoffman, Prof. Stokes and Willie Loomis would also be in attendance.

Sam and Maggie originally came from Connecticut, and, I believe, that they also had relatives up in Canada.  So, perhaps there were other members of the Evans family at the funeral service.

Joe Haskell, along with Sam's good friends, Bob Rooney, Sheriff George Patterson and Mr. Wells from the Collinsport Inn, would be among the pallbearers at the funeral.

And, now to Mr. Barnabas Collins.  This is a man who put Maggie through pure, unadulterated hell several months before.  Of course, you may say that Barnabas was suffering under the curse of vampirism, and that he could not help himself from mistreating Maggie during that time.  However, Mr. B. was free from Angelique's curse when he decided to unwittingly enlist Sam Evans in his plan to eliminate Cassandra.  (We all saw how disastrously that turned out for Sam. didn't we?)

And, while I can't directly blame Barnabas for Adam's savage (and ultimately) fatal attack on Sam, I can't stop thinking that if Barnabas had not consented to Dr. Lang's wacky experiment, Sam might still be alive today.

I believe that Barnabas has demonstrated through his own actions that he treats Sam and Maggie as if they are "garbage."  (There's a stronger four letter word that I'd like to use, but I won't.)

For Barnabas, to go up to Maggie and say, "Please allow me to offer you my sincerest sympathies on the loss of your father," to me, is the ultimate example of hypocritical chutzpah!  I'm glad that Barnabas is now mortal, and can see his reflection in the mirror.  He can now reflect back on what he has done to both Maggie and Sam as he gazes upon his aquiline features.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender

Spoiler PS --











For further evidence of Barnabas' shabby and thoughtless treatment of Maggie, just wait until the boorish Barnabas arbitrarily decides to use Maggie as the life force when he repeats Dr. Lang's experiment.  The man is so shameless!  (At least, Willie Loomis, through his selfless actions,  showed some care and consideration for Maggie.)

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

(Sorry about the first posting, Bob was enjoying a "Dr. Pepper" when he inadvertently hit the wrong button!)

I noticed on Friday when the Rev. Trask was introducing the jurors in Barnabas' trial, that Maude Browning ( a definite brunette when Barnabas "offed" her several weeks ago) was now sporting a bright blonde coiffure.  Evidently, Ms. Browning had had some beauty work done in the great beyond.

Maybe this will start a new trend on Dark Shadows.  I can just see the lovely Josette returning to Mr. B. sporting a bright orange hairdo, sort of like Mrs. Slocombe on "Are You Being Served?"

Or perhaps, when we see the return of one of my Dark Shadows heroes, the venerable Dr. Eric Lang, instead of that "silver fox" look, Dr. Lang will have his formerly grey locks dyed ruby red just like America's new, favorite dad, Ozzy Osborne!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, former hair color consultant to Caspar Weinberger and Dennis Rodman.

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I believe, all told, that there are eleven Dark Shadows characters who experience Angelique's Dream Curse.  I got to thinking about other DS characters I would have liked to have seen "struggle" through Angie's orchestrated nightmare.  I can almost see it now...


(Blue Whale Bar Fly, this one's for you.)


Buzz Hackett sits slumped over the bar in a seemngly empty Blue Whale tavern.  Three slow knocks are heard on the front door.  Buzz rises from his barstool and stumbles over to the door, opening it slowly.

To Buzz's surprise and delight, the coolly beautiful Portia Fitzsimmons stands seductively in the doorway.  (Portia Fitzsimmons, art dealer extraodinaire, the classy kind of woman, who, ordinarily wouldn't even give a creep like Buzz Hackett the time of day on Christmas morning.)

Portia geatures with her hand for Buzz to follow her.  "Okay, baby, are we going to a party?" Buzz eagerly inquires.  A silent Portia smiles slighty and starts to walk away.

The lights begin to shimmer in psychedelic patterns and soft, tinkling music begins to play.  "Hey, baby, this music sounds like 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.'  I feel like we're in 'Beatlemania'!"

Portia stops in front of a heavy, wooden door. She opens it and motions for Buzz to enter.  Buzz flashes Portia a lascivious smile.  "It's just about 'party time,' isn't it, darling?" Buzz asks as he hurriedly enters the room.

Portia slams the door shut behind Buzz.  "Hey, momma, what are you trying to pull on me?" Buzz demands.  He tries to open the door but to no avail.  Buzz turns to view a dimly lit room with fog on the floor and three doors on the other side of the room.

At that moment, Portia's silken voice reverberates throughout the room:

"Through sight and sound and faceless terror,
 Through endless corridors by trial and error,
 Ahead a blazing light does burn,
 And one door leads to the point of return."

"That's beautiful poetry, baby.  It sounds like something Jim Morrison wrote for the Doors," Buzz declares, now nervously eyeing his somewhat eerie surroundings.

And, speaking of doors, Buzz approaches the first door on the right and cautiously opens it.  Buzz peers into the room and is puzzled to see a large, misty area inside.  Midway in the room, a man stands with his back to Buzz.  The mist clears and Buzz now sees an orchestra in front of the man.

Turning to his right, the man slowly waves his arms, and in a strange, foreign-sounding accent, says, "And a-one and a-two..."  At that moment, accordionist Myron Floren and the rest of the boys in the Lawrence Welk band start to play a peppy rendition of Wayne Newton's classic hit "Danke Schoen."

"Ooh, that's spooky!" Buzz exclaims, quickly closing the door.

Intent on exiting this frightening scenario, Buzz rushes to the second door and opens it.  Suddenly, a horrible, four-legged animal appears in the doorway, baring its teeth at Buzz as it rears up on its hind quarters.  Buzz is about to run from the door when the horrible creature suddenly fades from view.

Buzz is now surprised to see a woman and a man, each seated in front of what looks like an expensive piano inside of the room.  They both begin to play a soft melody.  The woman, a cute blonde with a perky smile, gives Buzz a sly, come-hither stare and starts to sing:

"And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed,
Singin' and jinglin' the tango,
Floatin' like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love."

"The Captain & Tennile!" Buzz shrieks in horror, slamming the door shut.  "Oh, man, I must be having a bum voyage. I gotta get out of here!"

Against his better judgment, Buzz opens the third and final door.  Through the mist, Buzz hears the unmistakable sounds of drums beating and a band marching in military precision.

The mist clears, and Buzz sees a tall, gray-haired man (evidently the drum major) leading a band in Buzz's direction.  The man glares at Buzz as he approaches the now absolutely terrified hippie-motorcyclist.  Why, it's Uncle Sam, who stops, points his baton at Buzz, and says in a Darth Vaderlike voice, "Buzz Hackett, I want you!"  The band, as if on cue, breaks into a spirited rendition of "You're In The Army Now!"

"Aaahh!" Buzz screams as everything abruptly turns to black.

Epilogue: Buzz finds himself back in the Blue Whale being shaken by the tavern's irritated proprietor, Bob Rooney.  Buzz decides that it was just a simple nightmare; it's time that he went on a road trip to Mardi Gras in New Orleans just like Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider."  Maybe the "Buzz-Man" will bump into the foxy Portia Fitzsimmons in the French Quarter.

"Great, Maine's loss is Louisiana's gain," quips Bob Rooney as he reminds Buzz not to let the door hit him in the rear end as he exits the Blue Whale.

                                     FINE

Hey, gang, can you envision any other Dark Shadows characters experiencing the Dream Curse (Liz, Roger, Harry Johnson)?  What would their dreams be like?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who will now groove to the happily harmonious sounds of "Love Will Keep Us Together."

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Well, I for one, was glad to see the return of the precocious David Collins.  Did you dig Davey's groovy Nehru suit?  (And, am I the only one who remembers when Johnny Carson and Doc Severinsen sported the same type Nehru suit on the Tonight Show?)

Did you catch the gleam in Roger's eye when he told Cassandra that they could now go on their oft-postponed one-month-long honeymoon.  The guy was positively ebullient!  (Hey, can you blame him?)

We learned an interesting tidbit of information today when Tony told Cassandra that, in addition to being Dr. Julia Hoffman's attorney, he was also the late Dr. Eric Lang's attorney.  

Remember, when Julia Hoffman, psychiatrist extraodinare, entrusted her so-called earth-shattering diary to Tony?  After reviewing Eric Lang's contracts/bills (as Lang's attorney) for all of those medical gizmos, gadgets and surgical equipment, Tony must have said to himself, "No wonder why the medical malpractice insurance rates for Collinsport are so proverbially right up through the roof!"

Finally, you had to love the conversation between the somewhat spacy Cassandra and the no-nonsense, feet-on-the-ground Mrs. Johnson.  "Do you have very vivid dreams?  Do you know why Dr. Hoffman went to Dr. Lang's house, Mrs. Johnson?"  "No, it's none of my 'bleeping' business!" Mrs. Johnson probably would have liked to replied.  

You know, Mrs. Johnson, in a private moment, probably said to herself, "Prince Roger, really picked himself another winner-for-a-wife!"  The late Clarice Blackburn was simply fantastic in this wonderful Dark Shadows episode.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, former Marraige-Encounter Counselor.

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

I'm sure we all waited with bated breath as Jeff was about to tell the lovely Vicky just what were those "three words that could change my life" in Dr. Lang's medical report on Jeff.  The tension was almost unbearable, and for the life of me, I expected young Mr. Clark to repeat the earth-shattering and life-altering words:

"I LOVE YOU!"

By the way, did you notice the sharp gray three-piece suit and snazzy rep tie that Jeff was sporting at 8:00 AM?  (Apparently, Jeff likes to always walk around in a suit, twenty-four hours a day just like Mr. B.)  Evidently, that vest must have been too uncomfortable for Jeff, because after he left Vicky at Collinwood, you could see that Jeff had unbuttoned that cumbersome article of clothing.

You know, for a guy who, how should I put this politely, is an itinerant drifter, Jeff's got some nifty, expensive threads.  Old Sam Evans must be wondering why Jeff can't afford the top floor of the Collinsport Inn like the apparently, late, lamented Burke Devlin?

Finally, I was somewhat puzzled when Julia said to Barnabas that he might have made a mistake in confiding to Prof. Stokes that Cassandra was the witch.  Excuse me, but didn't the good Dr. Hoffman spill her own guts out to the learned professor?  

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, executor of Dr. Lang's estate.

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

The seemingly all-too-abrupt release of Willie Loomis from Windcliff today bothered me somewhat.  Sure, I was delighted to see the return of Barnabas' partner-in-crime, but something just did not seem right.

Wouldn't the residents of Collinsport be rather upset about Willie's return to town?  I'm sure that Liz and Roger would be none-too-pleased about their cousin's decision to bring Willie back to the grounds of Collinwood.  And, Sam Evans, Joe Haskell, and especially, Maggie Evans would be screaming bloody murder to everyone in town!

No doubt, Sheriff Paterson would be burning rubber out to the Old House to read the riot act to Barnabas.  I'm sure the mayor of Collinsport (a man or woman, who we unfortunately never got to see) would utilize any means to prevent Willie's return to Collinsport.

I realize that Barnabas told Joe that Willie's release was perfectly legal, but I just don't buy it.  As much as I admire the estimable Dr. Hoffman, I don't believe that she could arbitrarily order Willie's release from Windcliff.  Perhaps our friend and legal expert, Ben, would care to explain the complicated legal and procedural steps needed to release an apparent sociopath (like ol' Willie) from an institution.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender. Collinsport's amicus curiae

PS I think the Julia looked smashing in her stylish black suit dress today.  (It's probalbly an Evan Picone creation.)  And, did you catch Dr. Lang, arms flailing about wildly, during his dream curse?  He looked like the great Joe Cocker performing the song "The Letter" on Saturday Night Live!

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Let's get this straight, Barnabas (with the "help" of the esteemed Dr. Lang) will remove Jeff Clark's head and place it on the new body for Barnabas.  So, Barnabas/Jeff Clark shows up at Collinwood (now weighing in at about 240 lbs., and standing-up straight at about six-foot-five), and Miss Vicky is NOT supposed to notice anything different about this guy?  I know that Vicky is usually naive and ingenuous, but this really strains credulity!!!

When the Dark Shadows writers conceived this particular plotline, were they tripping out on tabs of sunshine?  (Tabs of Sunshine - a term for LSD for all of you Dark Shadows fans who were not yet a gleam in your father's eyes back during the swinging Sixties.)

During the course of two episodes, Dr. Lang anesthesized Jeff a total of three, count 'em, THREE times!  Poor Jeff must have had the grandfather of all hangovers as he was "coming down" the next day!

As an unabashed fan of Lang & Clark, I just loved their dialogue today:

Dr. Lang: "Jeff, give me that knife (scalpel)."  

Jeff C.: "Yeah, I'll give you the knife, doctor, right between your ribs!"

Dr. Lang: "Jeff, let me give you a treatment for your problem."

Jeff C.: "Yeah, doctor, THE treatment!"

Another example of Lang & Clark's classic comedic schtick for everyone to enjoy!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender

PS Jeff C.: "Dr. Hoffman, you've got to believe me that Dr. Lang wants to cut off my head."

Dr, H.: (In a moment of inner dialogue) "Jeff, you're #@*%ing crazy!!!"