Hey gang,

I seem to remember an earlier B&W episode of DS in which Vicky looks out of her bedroom window DOWN onto the grounds of Collinwood.  And, if I'm not mistaken in that same episode, Mr. Barnabas gazes dreamily UP at Vicky's bedroom window from the ground.

The point I'm getting at is why did it look as if Adam was standing on the ground, looking into Vicky's room?  I thought that he might be standing on the window sill or something.  But no, Adam seemed to be moving around on the ground.  So, what gives with Adam's perplexing position outside of Vicky's room?

Maybe Adam was standing on stilts like they use in the circus?  Or maybe, in addition to Adam's super-strength and super-intelligence, Adam can stretch up to Vicky's second floor window a la Reed Richards, better known as "Mr. Fantastic" of the Fantastic Four.  Can you think of any other explanations for Adam's seemingly impossible physical feat?

"Say It, Don't Spray It!"

I remember once seeing the great Al Pacino perform on stage.  Sitting in the orchestra section of the theater, I was struck at how much he (accidentally) spit into his fellow actor's face as Mr. Pacino forcefully delivered his lines.  Did you see John Karlen accidentally let KLS "have it" during their impassioned scene in the Collins mausoleum?  Similarly, Robert Rodan let Jonathan Frid "have it" during their highly emotional scene in the Old House.  To the actors' credit, no one even batted an eye!

Barnabas Collins:  Dark Shadows' Sergeant York

When I first saw Adam literally shatter Barnabas' rifle (made in Japan, no doubt) with one flick of his powerful wrist many years ago, my brothers and I were on the floor howling with laughter!  "Vicky, Maggie, er, Julia get out of here!"   You gotta love it!  

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who is grateful that Barnabas found the main door to Collinwood unlocked when he rushed to save Vicky from the explosive Adam.

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

That was some heck of an exciting second episode yesterday.  What an unrestrained  display of mucho machoism, as Adam and Jeff Clark tore up the scenery/laboratory  (literally and figuratively!)

Fortunately, the measured, dispassionate and cooly logical Prof. T. Elliot Stokes was there to lend a much-needed calming presence to the ongoing mayhem.

By the way, did you hear Adam (wallowing in self-pity) complain to the learned Stokes that, if he, Adam, died that night, that there would be no one to mourn for him?  Horse Hockey!!!  Carolyn would surely mourn Adam's passing, and so would Nicholas Blair.  (However, not for the same heartfelt reasons that Carolyn would cry for the big lug.)

Adam's self-pitying "complaint" to Prof. Stokes reminds me of an old Irish joke.   This tight-fisted, misanthropic Ebeneezer Scrooge-like old guy named "Sean" finally passes away after ninety years of unrelenting, crabby life.

At the guy's funeral mass (which is being attended by the village's entire population only under threat of excommunication by the village priest, Fr. Golden), the beleagured prelate does his best to eulogize poor "Sean."

Near the end of the mass, Fr. Golden asks his parishioneers, if any one of them would like to say some final, kind words for their dear, departed brother, "Sean"?....... Nothing, but dead silence.  You could hear the proverbial pin hit the floor.  Finally, to Fr. Golden's immense relief, one guy raises his hand in the back of the church and says: "Yeah, his brother was worse!"

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who reminds you all, that the love you take is equal to the love you make.  Right, Ringo?

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Sportwriter Phil Mushnick of the New York Post occasionally runs an amusing bit in his column in which he presents pictures of sports athlete/show business celebrity lookalikes.  For example, Mr. Mushnick once ran a picture of former NBA guard Bobby Hurley and Bart Simpsom of "The Simpsoms."  ( They look like twins!)

Another pair of Mr. Mushnick's lookalikes were the late, great sports announcer Howard Cosell and the late, great horror actor Bela Lugosi.  ( Like two peas in a pod!)

Well, I got to thinking.  If you took Dr. Lang's creation, Adam, and put a pair of dark sunglasses on him, and gave him a dark, shoulder-length wig to wear, you'd have the spitting image of the so-called King of All Media, Howard Stern!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, a lookalike for Malachy McCourt in "Ryan's Hope"!  

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

We've all probably noticed how sartorially splendid the vampiric Barnabas Collins looks in all of those snazzy suits and that cool Inverness coat of his.  Of course, Angelique, the lady vampire,  has also been quite the vision of loveliness in her stylish dresses and perfectly coiffed blonde hair.

And, then along comes good, old Tom Jennings, former local handyman, current drab, dismally-attired vampire.  I mean, have you checked out that depressing, Larry Talbotlike brown shirt that he's wearing?  And, what, not even a sports coat for the 24-year-old bloodsucker?

If Barnabas and Angelique are the Brooks Brothers and Neiman Marcus of vampirism, respectively, then good, old Tom Jennings has got to be either the Habands or Cost Cutters of creatures of the night.


While Barnabas and Angelique both have finely carved caskets, old Tom has a casket (which, you will soon see) that looks as if he picked it up on sale at the local Home Depot.


By the way, is it me, or does Tom Jennings "speak" in a rather slow and ponderous manner when he telepathically communicates with Julia?  "Julia,....I....want....to ....be....with....you.  Come....to....me,....Julia."  Tom kind of reminds me of former Vice President Al Gore.  "I....want...to....be....your....next ....president.  Please....vote....for....me."

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, former clothing consultant to Yanos Skorzeny

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Do you think that Barnabas despises Vicky's fiance, Jeff Clark, more than Willie loathes Maggie's fiance, Joe Haskell, or vice versa?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who will soon start loathing a certain, oleaginous fop.

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Old Harry Johnson really distinguished himself today by his selfless, and, I must say, courageous action in stopping Adam from his suicide attempt.  When Harry first saw Adam brandishing that sharp knife, you'd have thought that Harry would have turned tail and gotten the heck out of that room.  But, no!  Harry tried to wrestle the knife away from the angst-ridden man/monster, and succeeded in retrieving it from him.

I remember how Adam once flung the solidly built, two-hundred-pound Joe Haskell across the living room of the Evans cottage like Joe was a Raggedy Ann doll.  So, I have to believe that the diminutive, yet, feisty Harry would have been thrown through the window, and ended up landing on the Collinwood garden fountain if Adam had persisted in his resistance!

You would think that the self-absorbed Caroyn Stoddard would have been grateful for Harry's quick and decisive action in preventing Adam from ending it all.  But, oh no, the poor, little rich girl had to give the greatly misunderstood Harry Johnson some sarcastic lip!

You know, I think that Harry could provide Adam with a lot of the "practical knowledge" of the world, that the eminent Prof. T. Elliot Stokes just could not convey to Adam.

I think that Adam could have learned some of this "down-to-Earth" information from William H. Loomis.  But there just wasn't enough time for Willie to impart this essential information to Adam at the Old House.

Harry could educate Adam in such important matters as how to play and win at poker, how to handle two kinds of liquor in one night, how to properly utilize male contraception, and what type of weed to insist on.

I can see Carolyn knocking on Adam's West Wing door and entering.  Adam is seated at his table, enjoying a "cigarette."  Carolyn detects an unmistakable, pungent odor in the room.  "What's up, Adam?" Carolyn apprehensively inquires.

Adam gazes languidly up at Carolyn and says, "Carolyn, I feel wonderful.  This is heavy grass.  Would you like a hit?"

"Oh, no thank you, Adam.  I just wanted to know if you need anything?"

Well, I do have a case of the munchies.  Would you mind getting me some Twinkies and a bag of potato chips?"

"I'll send Harry right up with those items.  Bye!"  The door quickly slams shut.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who, like former First Lady Nancy Reagan urges you all to "Just say no!"

This Is The Way We Wash Our Whites (At Collinwood), So Early In The Morning!


Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

You know, there have been times that I've taken a clean load of whites from the washing machine, and thrown them into the dryer, only to forget all about them and ticked off the next person who wants to use the dryer.  (I'll bet you've done it yourself out there.  Come on and admit it!)

Well, as we've all seen, Carolyn has been sneaking food up to Adam in the West Wing.  I got to thinking about how Carolyn also has the sole responsibility of providing Adam with clean pillow cases, bed sheets, clothes and underwear, etc.  (Just who else is going to do it?)

I can see Carolyn sneaking down to the Collinwood laundry room in the basement of the great house.  However, what with Carolyn having so much on her mind: her Mom is in the hospital, her uncle is down in the dumps over his second failed marriage in a row, and, let's face it, the nubile Collins heiress has lately been experiencing a largely lousy love life of her own, that it's not inconceivable that Carolyn absentmindedly left Adam's Jockey underwear in the dryer.

Okay, the seemingly perpetually querulous Mrs. Sarah Johnson goes down to the laundry room to put some wash in the dryer.  To Mrs. J.'s surprise, she spies some undies in the dryer.  Mrs. Johnson grabs a rather large pair of men's shorts with both hands, holds them up to the light for a better look, and exclaims incredulously, "Jesus Christ, whose freaking drawers are these!?!"

Mrs. Johnson tries to determine just who is the owner of these "king-sized" undies.  They're too big for Roger or young Davey.  And they're too big for her no-good-account son, Harry, she reasons.  (Mrs. Johnson eliminates Barnabas and Willie for the same reason.)  And, then, like an epiphany, it hits her!  "Vicky must be washing all of these shorts and t-shirts for that stout gentleman, Prof. Stokes, who she's recently become friendly with!"  And, so, an "uncomplaining" Sarah Johnson dutifully folds each and every piece of underwear, and leaves them neatly stacked on the nearby laundry table for Miss Vicky to pick up whenever she finds it convenient to do so.

It's like Dark Shadows' version of either "The Donna Reed Show, " or "My Little Margie."  

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, an avid admirer of that "Domestic Goddess," Roseanne Barr (or whatever her current last name is!).