Hey gang,

Did you notice the bus schedule that Jeff Clark/Peter Bradford was reading today?  It was a list of NYC area locations.  I know that Jeff/Peter told Vicky that he was going to NYC, but I really think that the upscale, suburban community of Tarrytown, NY was Jeff's true destination.

Jeff wanted to travel to this town just north of the Big Apple because he knew that the great house of Collinwood/Lyndhurst was located there.  Jeff could start all over there with a new persona.  Instead of being Jeff Clark/Peter Bradford, a guy who didn't know who he is/was, he's now Jeff Clark, aspiring and promising artist with a bright future.

Instead of having a fiancee named Vicky Winters (who doesn't even know her own family background), Jeff's fiancee is now the lovely Maggie Evans (a level-headed young woman, with a definite family background).  

I think that Jeff/Peter may best be described as the "Zelig of Dark Shadows," a man who wants to transform himself from a whining, hair-grabbing schlump to a self-assured, neurotic-free artist.  A brand new life, isn't that something that we all would like to have at some point in our lives?

Bob the Bartender, who immensely enjoyed Tony Curtis' performance as the wonderfully nonconformist Ralph DeMara in "the Great Impostor."  

Hey gang,

Or to be more precise, S & G come to the House by the Sea!  Man, that house must be crackling with some sexual tension.

Okay, I know that Adam is supposed to be bored out of his mind, sitting in that drawing room chair, staring at that seemingly ubiquitous 19th century DS portrait of that guy with the handlebar moustache.  But, I don't buy it for a second!

Adam is a guy who is supposed to be as strong as a lion, possess the intellect of an Einstein, and, no doubt, the libido of a stallion (more like ten times the horniness of, say, Hugh Hefner!).  Okay, Adam is watching an old Tarzan movie one lonely night.  The big guy sees Johnnie Weismuller's caveman like courtship of the lovely Irish actress, Maureen O'Sullivan: "Uun-gow-wah!  Me Tarzan, you Jane. Uuga-boogah!"  So, the sensuous Eve walks into the house after one of her long moonlit "walks" along the shore.  Adam stares at her and say:  "Me, Adam, you Eve,  Let's get it on!!!"  End of story.

Of course, with the alluring Angelique in residence (up until yesterday) there is even more "smoke" to add to the fire, should I say.  And, Nicholas, in that grey smoking jacket, looks like Hugh Hefner himself.  (All he needs is the obligatory pipe to complete the picture.)  Toss in Maggie and Carolyn, and you'd need that noted quantum physicist, Dr. Sam Beckett, to calculate all of the possible (and potential) erotic couplings.

So, take it from m, "sin city" is alive and well in Collinsport, ME, in that meretricious House by the Sea!!!

Bob the Bartender, defender of moral rectitude in Collinsport, ME.

Hey gang,

Which Sheriff Paterson look do you prefer: the chrome dome look of Dana Elcar and Vince O'Brien or the healthy head of hair look of Alfred Sandor?  (The mustachioed look of Angus Cairns does not count.)

Personally, I prefer my Sheriff Paterson to look like Col. Klink or "Santini," one of the singers from the seminal rock group, "Sha Na Na."

By the way, did actor Alfred Sandor (today's Sheriff Paterson) steal more furtive and fleeting glances at the teleprompter in one episode today, than Jonathan Frid stole during the entire four years he was on the show?

When Sheriff Paterson asked Barnabas if there could possibly be another woman (besides Maggie) who could have come between Mr. B. and Joe Haskell and caused some bad blood, I wondered just whom the Sheriff could possibly mean (besides Angelique, of course): Susie the waitress, Portia Fitzsimmons, Vicky Winters, Janet Findley, Anna Nicole Smith?  Can you think of any other ladies who might have caused this falling out between Barnabas and Joe?

Bob the Bartender, Collinsport's Number One Quidnunc

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,


(Here's a poll that I think I already know what the final outcome will be.)  Do you find Jeff Clark, with his seemingly perpetually angst-ridden, hair-grasping, and petulant "schtick" more annoying?  Or, like yours truly, are you absolutely sick and tired of seeing that geeky twenty-something with the seemingly unending leering smile on his kisser in those ubiquitous Dell Computer TV commercials?  (I tell you, I almost threw my cherished autographed Tom Seaver baseball at that blonde-haired nerd the other night!)

Incidentally, in defense of Jeff Clark's hair-grasping, I believe that Jeff is merely emulating the late, great Rod Steiger.  If you've ever seen the gritty film classic "On The Waterfront," (and I just know that you all have!), Mr. Steiger is seen to grab both his face and the hair on the sides of his head in that famous cab scene with Marlon Brando (or "Mr. Mumbles" as Frank Sinatra once described him).

Perhaps you've seen that other 1950's film, in which Mr. Steiger plays a condemned prisoner who crash lands with several other airline passengers in the Amazon jungle.  (I can't quite remember the flick's name, but it's on AMC quite often.)  Anyway, Mr. Steiger (who has the only gun) has to decide which passengers can take off in the damaged airliner to safety, and which passengers will stay behind with him to face certain, horrible death at the hands of the native head-hunters.

Well, it is a real tour de force for Mr. Steiger as he wrestles with the awful question of just who should live and who should be left to die.  I believe that Mr. Steiger takes a full minute, grasping his face and the hair on the top of his head (with no hat on this time!) before he arrives at his momentous decision.  I have believe that Roger Davis (Jeff Clark/Peter Bradford) had to be influenced by this brilliant dramatic actor.

By the way, I also believe that Mr. Steiger influenced another young and upcoming actor, John Travolta with his hair/head grasping routine as Vinnie Barbarino in "Welcome Back, Kotter." Surely you remember the great line, "I'm so confused!" by the greatest member of "The Sweathogs"?

So, while I'm sure that most of you will opt to give thumbs-down to Jeff Clark, I'll give the "Sicilian Salute" to that creepy Dell computer kid.

Bah Humbug!

Bob the Bartender, who still gets chills from Mr. Steiger's performance as that truly angst-ridden priest in "The Amityville Horror."

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

Seeing the phenomenal Eve on the Sci-Fi Channel brings back fond memories of 1968.  When, as a young boy, I first laid eyes on Adam's alluring intended, it was like an epiphany to me.  My eyes opened wide and I felt my pulse quickening.  I suppose it was then, looking at this truly stunning woman, that I realized that there was much more to life than baseball, Beatles music and pizza on Friday night with all of the toppings!

Ah yes, the sultry, albeit evil Eve was quite a sight for a young fellow.  I'm sure that Gerard and Ringo will agree with me that you always want to bring a lovely, young lady like Maggie Evans or Vicky Winters home to meet your mom and dad.  Nevertheless, Eve is the kind of woman who you would like to "rock your world," so to speak.  (I guess it's the male equivalent of women who are attracted to so-called "bad boys.")

As we will soon find out, Eve enjoys taking long, early morning walks along the beach.  Can you imagine if those two-early bird anglers, the honorable Cornelius Crathorne and saloon keeper Bob Rooney, are standing on the beach at Findley's Cove as Eve comes slinking up the shore line, dressed in that sexy black cocktail dress of hers?  I can almost see it now...

"Jesus Christ, Judge Crathorne!  Would you get a load of that one coming up the beach!"

To which Hancock County's finest jurist replies:  "Quick, Bob.  Get my digitalis out of my bag.  This could be the big one!"

Bob the Bartender, who will now walk around the corner one hundred times and then, take a cold shower!

Hey gang,

Did you notice in yesterday's episode, when Adam and Leona Eltridge entered the Old House and started to walk up the stairway to Josette's room, that, at one point, they just stopped on the stairs?  

I once observed Willie Loomis charge up the stairs to find Barnabas, only to obviously stop after about ten footsteps up the stairway.  Of course, in a house as large as the Old House, the stairway has to have more steps than that.

A future episode from the Parallel Time 1970 story line provides the solution to this oddity.  In one episode, Carolyn or Will Loomis comes charging out of the Old House basement.  The cameraman inadvertently swings the camera from the iron door of the basement to the foyer of the Old House.  There, but only for a brief moment or two, we get to see that the stairway just ends, with no access to the second floor.  

I believe there is also a photograph of David Selby standing at the top of the stairway that "leads to nowhere."  I wonder if any of the DS actors ever charged too quickly up that faux stairway, nearly flying off the top step?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender    

Hey gang,

We all know that Adam hasn't exactly been the most popular guy in Collinsport lately.  However, I like that kelly green turtleneck sweater that the big guy's been wearing.  

All Adam needs now is a green derby (also, the name of a great Irish bar/restaurant on the upper East side of Manhattan.  BTW, love the cottage pie and Guinness on tap!), a button pinned on Adam's sweater saying: "Kiss Me I'm Irish!," and, finally, Adam breaking out into song, intoning Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares To You!"

Erin Go Bragh!

Bob the Bartender, whose all-time favorite flick is "Darby O'Gill And The Little People."