Hey gang,

Man, that was some fiery and explosive scene between Aristede and C. D. Tate yesterday.

I know that Charles demanded that he speak with the count to find out why he had been summoned to the tiny village  of Collinsport, ME.  However, I think that was just balderdash and poppycock on the part of the immensely talented and temperamental artist.

There can be only one reason why Charles sought to speak with the omniscient and King Solomon-like Petofi.  Charles wanted the learned count to answer a question of earth-shattering importance.  And, what was that question, you may ask?  Just who has the groovier, more perfectly-coiffed head of hair, Charles Delaware Tate or Aristede?

Yes, Charles D. Tate, with that flowing mop of flaxen hair (a la Brad Pitt) or Aristede, with that shining mass of dark hair, combed down in an artfully-styled pompadour (very much like the pompadour the late, great  George Harrison sported in "A Hard Day's Night).

I tell you, it would be a tough call even for the sagacious count to choose between those two Salon Selective dandies.

And, did you catch that large black hat with the wide brim and matching black cape on Charles?  He looked like a taller, younger version of the late author, Truman Capote.

And, as for Aristede, in that snazzy suit with the colorful cravat, he looked like the 18th century's answer to P. Diddy Combs.

Wow, if bartender Bob Rooney wants to keep up with these two young Beau Brummels, old Bob will have to get some Donatella Versace designer flannel shirts to wear while tending bar at the Blue Whale!

Bob the Bartender, who will gladly wait on frigid 42nd Street, freezing off his "caboose," just to catch a fleeting glimpse of Donna Karan, entering those Bryant Park tents at the Fashion Week Show.  Long live the Style Channel!!!

PS  If today's knife fight with Quentin is any indication, as a so-called "tough guy," the spindly Aristede makes a great Casper Milquetoast!

Hey gang,

So far, we've seen Jamison Collins, his dad, Edward, and that "paragon" of legal ethics, Evan Hanley, Esq., become the recipients of Count Petofi's eye-opening, epiphanic smooch.

No doubt, there will be other men (and women) who will be afforded an opportunity to "see" themselves clearly and candidly (perhaps, for the first time ever) in the reflected mirror of their lives.

Here are a several other noteworthy individuals, who, I think would benefit enormously from a wet peck on their cheek(s) from that fuzzy-faced  nobleman:

Joey Buttafucco
Claudia Cohen
David Hasselhoff
Michael Jackson
Star Jones
Ricki Lake
Dr. Phil (McGraw)
Sinead O'Connor
Maury Povich - (a/k/a "Mr. Connie Chung")
George Steinbrenner
Gordon Sumner - (a/k/a "Sting")

Can you think of any other individuals who might also benefit from a revelatory "cow-lick" from Count Andrea Petofi (with the assistance of his young surrogate, Jamison Collins)?

Bob the Bartender, who endeavors to live by the philosophy: "To thine own self be true," also the philosophy of that savant/singing sensation, Anson "Potsie Weber" Williams

Hey gang,

I'm sure you've all seen those frequently-aired Sci-Fi promos featuring unclothed women.  There's the promo that shows a naked lady, crouched up in the fetal position, inside of an oversized infant (sort of a play on "2001: A Space Odyssey," I suppose).  That's bad enough.

But the Sci-Fi spot showing a beautiful young woman lying nude on her back, on top of some sort of satanic altar is just too much to take.  Talk about gratuitous nudity!  What am I watching, the Sci-Fi Channel or the Spice Channel?

And, what with the advanced state of the art digitalized video capabilities of today, I shudder to think what's coming next, Sci-Fi promos featuring beloved Dark Shadows characters in the buff!!!

I can see it now:  the eminent and tweedy Prof. T. Elliot Stokes, sprawled out au naturel on a bear skin rug, just like actor Burt Reynolds in that famous centerfold in Cosmo Magazine of many years ago.  Just try and imagine it, Prof. Stokes, sporting his trademark monocle (but sans his usual tweedy suit), declaring, "I must say, this is a most 'stimulating' experience."  Oh, the Dark Shadows shame!

Of course, if the good folks at the Sci-Fi Channel wanted to assume a more serious approach, they could emulate the promotional tactics of PETA, the animal rights group that uses nude photographs of famous actresses and fashion models to further its cause.

Perhaps you've seen the PETA advertisement that features actress Charlotte Ross of "NYPD Blue"?  I can envision the bodacious Bathia Mapes in a similar spot:  Ms. Mapes standing in her birthday suit with her back to the camera, while holding a cute bunny rabbit close to her chest, and saying, "I'd rather show my buns than wear fur."  Minerva Trask would be appalled!

Perhaps, the most outrageous Sci-Fi Channel promo would feature Barnabas Collins in the buff, standing in front of the Old House drawing room fireplace, with Mr. B. holding his trademark wolf's head cane in profile, directly in front of him (thereby, providing him with a modicum of decent "coverage").  The caption would quote Barnabas with some appropriately pithy statement, such as: "Serenity is my favorite emotion."  However, the drafty conditions of the Old House might present the photographer with the inevitable "problems" of goose pimples and the like.

I realize that ABC (the network that originally aired everyone's favorite gothic soap opera) has been a pioneer in expanding the mature content of its prime time programming.  Who can forget that famous scene in which "NYPD Blue's" burly, macho Det. Andy Sipowicz is shown taking a shower, and is then joined by his slim and sexy wife, Sylvia, under the hot running water?

I just don't want to see the Sci-Fi Channel copy ABC's provocative style by showing Sandor Racosi singing some lusty gypsy love ballad in the shower, while his willowy and earthy wife, Magda, doffs her duds, and slips into the shower with her hubby, cooing: "Ah, Sandor, you big Romanian grizzly bear, you.  Let Magda scrub your broad and hairy back for you, eh?"  Magda and Sandor starkers.  Yeah...just picture that, if you dare.

Please, leave the bare body look to ABC and the Playboy Channel.  I prefer to see Prof. Stokes, Ms. Mapes and Mr. Barnabas with their pants and knickers on, respectively, so to speak!

Bob the Indignant Bartender, who asks the question: Did they even have hot running showers in 1897?

Hey gang,

Well, it didn't take long for Gregory and Judith to take the plunge, did it?  (I'd have thought that the reverend could have at least have waited until his first wife, Minerva, was settled in her grave for an entire month before tying the knot with Judith, IMHO.)

Nevertheless, the union of Gregory Trask and Judith Collins (a marriage truly made in Heaven!) is destined to join the pantheon of great romantic couples of history, timeless couples such as: Caesar and Cleopatra, Napoleon and Josephine, Liz and Dick, Joanie Cunningham and Chachi Arcola (and, possibly, even J.LO and Ben Affleck!).

Maybe the Romance Channel will produce a full-length movie on the blissful pairing of "Greg and Judy."  Possible titles mignt include "The Marriage of an Avaricious Vicar" or "The Taming of a Parsimonious Shrew."

Of course, the Rev. Trask must be delighted at his second chance for happiness (not to mention, a shot at Judith's hefty bank account) so late in life.  The reverend's "ninth inning" joie de vivre, is, perhaps, best expressed by one of the 20th century's greatest philosophers, Mr. Dino Crocetti, who observed:

"When you walk in a dream, but you know you're not    
 dreaming, signore.
 Scuse me, but you see, back in old Napoli,
 That's amore!"

Bob the Bartender, who asks the question if Judith Collins-Trask is the Martha Stewart (or more likely, the Leona Helmsley) of the 19th century?

Hey gang,

So far, we've seen the extremely narcissistic Mr. Evan Hanley, Esq., attempt to summon some hopefully, helpful evil spirits on two separate occasions.

The first time, Evan inadvertently conjured up the decidely, independently-minded Angelique Bouchard-Collins, who, promptly rendered Evan mute (something, I think we all wish Angelique would also do to Kelly Ripa!).

The second time, while Evan was trying to contact Satan in a failed attempt to cure Quentin's really bad case of lycanthropy, who walks in, but the "righteous" Rev. Gregory Trask himself!  (You know, if Evan had any luck at all, it would probably be all bad.)

Of course, I won't go into Evan's next clumsy foray into an act of incantation (suffice it to say, that the attempt blows up in Evan's kisser, figuratively and literally!).

Let's hope that Evan is a far better litigator than he is a so-called "necromancer."  (Hey, check that word out in your Webster's Dictionary!)

You know, I don't believe that we ever get to see Evan present a case in court (as we did with the original Rev. Trask, among others, on Dark Shadows).  

I wonder where Evan received his legal education?  Perhaps Evan attended Harvard University or the equally-esteemed Yale University.  However, I suspect that Evan graduated from that other renowned school of law, the "sister institution" of the world famous Cleveland Institute of Electronics or C.I.E. (also a frequent commercial sponsor on the Sci-Fi Channel), the highly prestigious Cleveland Institute of Jurisprudence!

Yes, old C.I.J., a hallowed academic institution that can rightfully crow about its outstanding faculty, chosen from the finest legal scholars, litigators and legislators in our nation, men and women such as:

Leslie Abramson
Gloria Allred
F. Lee Bailey
Arnie Becker
Johnnie Cochrane
Al Damato
Charles Dawson
John Dean
Alan Dershowitz
Webb Hubbell
Robert Kardashian
Ally McBeal
John Mitchell
Janet Reno
Arlen Specter
and Robert Torricelli, to name but a few.

I believe that it can be confidently stated, that as a result of his formative years at C.I.J., Mr. Evan Hanley, Esq., upholds the highest standards of both moral probity and legal "ethics."

Bob the Bartender, who readily apologizes to any JD's or "necromancers," who I may have offended by this posting.

Hey gang,

It's been a few weeks since we've seen Collinsport's greatest strutting popinjay, "kvelling" for the benefit of Maggie Evans.  I wonder what punishments Diabolos has in store for Nicky B. (who, screwed up Big Time with the Adam and Eve experiment/fiasco)?

Maybe Diabolos has placed Nicholas in one of those cauldrons of boiling oil that were described in Dante's Inferno?  However, in this case, Diabolos has Nicholas standing upside down in that cauldron of boiling oil.  Of course, to twist the knife a bit more, so to speak,  Diabolos has Angelique stirring Nicholas' cauldron with a canoe-sized paddle to insure maximum heat production.

Then again, perhaps Diabolos has Nicholas' arms and legs (not to mention other body appendages, which we won't go into) stretched out on the always dependable 12th century rack.  For additional torture, Diabolos has installed one of those magical mirrors (just like the one Nicky had in the House by the Sea) for Nicholas' viewing "enjoyment."

Diabolos could possibly zoom into, say, a view of Maggie Evans on a recent date.  How about a shot of  Maggie and Barnabas walking hand-in-hand on a romantic stroll on the path leading to Widow's Hill?  

I'm sure Nicholas would get a big thrill out of seeing Maggie and Willie Loomis enjoying a quiet, intimate dinner at Bob Rooney's Blue Whale Tavern: "Hey, Willie.  Would you and Maggie like to 'supersize' those two bowls of clam chowder?"

But perhaps the most "heartening" scene for Nicholas to observe, would be to see Maggie in the back seat of Roger Collins' snazzy, striped 1966 Mustang.  Not with Roger Collins, mind you.  No, Maggie "canoodling" in the back seat of Roger's car with none other than Harry Johnson!

Of course, as Nicholas is witnessing this "happy" scene, stretched out on that rack, the sound of the late, great Harry Chapin is heard in the background, intoning his classic hit, "Taxi":  

"We learned about love in the back of a Dodge.  The lesson hadn't gone too far." ( Although, in this case, the lesson in the back of Roger's Mustang had gone to its full "completion.")

I think that Nicholas would have expressed Dr. Smith's frequent lament from "Lost In Space": "Oh, the pain!"

Can you think of any other diversions/games that Diabolos might have in store for Nicholas during his time of "penance"?

Bob the Bartender, who, like Jenny and Oliver in "Love Story," reminds you that: "Love means never having to say that you're sorry."

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

From time to time, we've caught glimpses of the front page of the Collinsport Star.  I believe when Maggie Evans disappeared, the headline of the newspaper read: "LOCAL GIRL STILL MISSING."  You have to wonder how extensively (and persistently) the reporters of the Collinsport Star covered/investigated  all of the truly amazing "occurrences" in that tiny New England fishing village.

To briefly recap, Adam is wanted for the assaults on Joe Haskell, Jeff Clark and Sam Evans (which resulted in the death of Collinsport's finest artist).  A striking woman's (Eve) body was found strangled to death in the now-departed Jeff Clark's apartment.  Of course, local handyman Tom Jennings died after apparently being "afflicted" with the same disease that Maggie had "contracted" several years before.

The recent brutal murders of Collinsport Inn night manager Mr. Wells and of the unnamed Blue Whale Tavern barmaid have caused Sheriff Paterson to lose whatever remaining hair that he still had on the top of his head.  The sudden, unexpected deaths of millionaire Burke Devlin and the beloved town doctor, Dave Woodard, have only added to the air of mystery and dread swirling about the town.

Are there no aspiring Woodwards and Bernsteins on the staff of the Collinsort Star who will indefatigably investigate and track down the facts surrounding all of these perplexing stories?  You'd think that a reporter named Woodward would want to look into the untimely death of Dr. Dave Woodard?  (Okay, I realize that the last names aren't exactly the same, but, they're close enough!)

The Collinsport Star really needs a hardened, nose-for-news veteran reporter like the great Carl Kolchak to  relentlessly pursue all of these incredible news stories.  Kolchak would leave no stone unturned as he tracked down leads.  If Roger Collins thought that Tony Petersen, Esq. was a pain-in-the-tuches representing aggrieved Collins Cannery employees, Roger would have experienced the ultimate pain-in-the-caboose after having to contend with the seemingly tireless Mr. Kolchak in pursuit of a story.  (Kolchak would seem like a permanent fixture at the front door of Collinwood, not to mention the entrance to the Collins Cannery.)  You can bet that Kolchak would have found a way to investigate Nicholas Blair and sneak into that spooky pad of his, the House by the Sea.

I suppose that the editor of the Collinsport Star is content to have his/her reporters cover light-hearted, local interest stories.  The headline of a "really big" news story would probably read: "THE BIG SECRET BEHIND SARAH JOHNSON'S PRIZE WINNING RECIPE IN THE HANCOCK COUNTY FAIR BLUEBERRY PIE CONTEST!"  Of course, if the editor wanted to adopt a more sensational, salacious style of journalism (ala The New York Post), the headline might proclaim: "ROGER & CASSANDRA COLLINS: IT'S SPLITSVILLE!"

Donald Fagen and Walter Becker of Steely Dan fame, may have expressed it best in their song, "Barrytown", in how we should regard newspaper coverage of the days events:

"Don't believe I'm taken in by stories I have heard,
I just read the Daily News and swear by every word."

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, whose day just isn't complete without reading the news/gossip from those two great ladies of the fourth estate, Liz Smith and Cindy Adams.  "Only in New York, kids, only in New York!"

Hey gang,

Did you notice when Nicholas pointed his finger at and rubbed it against Adam's chest today, Nicholas used his middle finger rather than his forefinger to make the gesture?

You know, the use of that particular finger has been politely described as giving someone, the "half-a-peace-sign" gesture.  (It's also impolitely described as just plain giving someone "THE" finger!)

Do you think that Nicholas was sending some subliminal message to both Adam and Mr. B.?  It may have been the only time on Dark Shadows that someone allegedly flashed another person an obscene gesture.  I pray that I'm wrong about this.  So, what do you think?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who, now, symbolically flashes everyone the FULL peace sign.