It's good to see Angelique and her evil handmaiden plotting together. I love seeing Julia being the sociopathic spinster I know she can be--even if it is in parallel time! 

(cue the spooky voiceover music): It is Christmas at Collinwood--a magical time of year. While Doom still lurks around every shadowy corner, at Christmas, it dons a Santa cap and passes out candy canes...

And although it is the most wonderful time of the year, Barnabas Collins is embarking on a Christmas Eve quest that can only end in yet another family tragedy.

INT-OLD HOUSE-NIGHT

(The halls are decked and the stockings have been placed by the chimney with care--one each for Elizabeth, Roger, Carolyn, Mrs. Johnson, Julia, Quentin & Barnabas. NOTE: Everyone's stocking is red, except Julia's--which is white.

BARNABAS COLLINS enters, carrying a large stocking with David's name printed on it. Barnabas, as usual, is immaculate, and, on this night, is dressed in his very best suit. DR. JULIA HOFFMAN follows after him, looking hot in a black cocktail dress. As usual, she is very concerned about Barnabas.)

JULIA: You can't do this, Barnabas.

BARNABAS: I can and I shall. (carefully hanging David's stocking) This family will have a Christmas party, Julia. Either you're with me or against me!

JULIA (sighs): Fine. Whatever.

(Barnabas answers a knock at the door. ROGER COLLINS enters, shaking off the cold and removing his overcoat.)

BARNABAS: It's good of you to come, Roger. Where are the others?

ROGER: Oh, they'll be along shortly. David's head is spinning around and he's speaking in a tongue that Professor Stokes has identified as some kind of darkly Satanic language.

BARNABAS: Will he be all right?

ROGER: Oh, you know how David is when he's not getting enough attention. But that's Maggie's problem. It's Christmas, I've been doing brandy shots since noon, and I need to unwind and relax. Don't I deserve that?!

BARNABAS: Of course, Roger. And I think you'll be very happy with what's in your Christmas stocking.

(Roger is excited as he heads for the fireplace and looks inside his stocking.)

ROGER: Barnabas! (pulls out a bottle of brandy) How did you know that this is exactly what I wanted?!

BARNABAS: Oh...I suppose that I'm just intuitive.

JULIA (rolling her eyes): Yeah.

ROGER: So, tell me, Barnabas...perchance will there be any attractive, unattached women in attendance this evening with whom I can share a snifter of Christmas cheer?

JULIA: Trolling for wife #3 is a grand idea, Roger. Let's see...wife #1 was a phoenix, wife #2 was a witch. Maybe you'll get lucky the third time around and marry a succubus!

BARNABAS: Julia!

(Roger gives Julia a dirty look and goes inside to the party, grumbling under his breath about moochers as he exits. Barnabas looks deep into Julia's eyes, concerned by her sudden outburst.)

BARNABAS: That wasn't like you, Julia. Perhaps a spell has been been cast upon you.

JULIA: The only spell that's been cast on me is by Percodan.

BARNABAS: Julia!

JULIA: I may pass out sedatives-by-the-handful to the family. But I keep the good stuff for myself.

(Barnabas goes to answer the door again, revealing a smiling and pleasant CHRIS JENNINGS, who enters the Old House.)

BARNABAS: Jennings...so good to see you!

(Chris's smiles grows wider, revealing a set of fangs. Oh, no--it's actually TOM JENNINGS, who suggestively wiggles his tongue.)

JULIA: Now that's what I want for Christmas!

BARNABAS: My god, Jennings! Can't you just stay dead?

(Barnabas slips a stake out of his breast pocket and plunges it into Tom Jennings' chest; he falls dead instantly. Julia sighs in disappointment.)

BARNABAS: Ironic.

JULIA: What is?

BARNABAS: How it took a little piece of wood to bring down a bigger piece of wood.

(There is yet another knock at the door. Barnabas gives Julia a look.)

BARNABAS: Would you mind, Julia? I must be able to greet my guests.

(Julia rolls her eyes in annoyance and grabs Tom Jennings by the collar, dragging his body toward the cellar door.)

BARNABAS: Thank you, Julia.

JULIA: Get waxed, ya creepy mook!

(As she exits, Barnabas answers the door. ADAM is standing outside, holding a large fruitcake.)

BARNABAS: Adam. Come in. (as Adam enters) How have you been?

ADAM: Fine. I've been hiding out at this farmhouse in Woodstock, New York. Nobody ever comes up there.

BARNABAS: Adam, I've felt bad about what happened between us. You know, attempting to kill you on several occasions.

ADAM: It's my fault, Barnabas. Adam bad.

BARNABAS: No, you're not, Adam. Even I've had one or two ruthless moments.

JULIA (back from the cellar): More like one or two hundred. But who's counting?

BARNABAS: Adam, go inside and join the others. I have a special Christmas present that I'll give to you later.

ADAM (brightly): Really?

BARNABAS: Really.

ADAM: Goody!

(Adam shoves the fruitcake at Julia and joins the others in the next room.)

JULIA: What did you get him?

BARNABAS: A green sweater.

(Barnabas and Julia get spooked when they hear "Quentin's Theme" played with jungle bells. Barnabas is annoyed.)

BARNABAS: I was hoping he'd be too drunk to come here tonight. Or that he had turned back into a zombie.

JULIA: You're jealous of him!

BARNABAS: I am not! He just acts as if he's the only member of this family who lived in the past and is harboring a terrible secret affliction.

JULIA: But you two have so much in common, Barnabas. You're both rotten with women and you both terrorized David. There's a lot of common ground there.

BARNABAS: Perhaps you're right, Julia, but--

(A big whoosh comes from the fireplace; the flames grow higher--revealing the image of ANGELIQUE.)

BARNABAS: Angelique!

ANGELIQUE: Yes, Barnabas, my love, it is I. Did you think I would leave you alone at Christmas?

(Julia gets mad and hurls Adam's fruitcake at Angelique, hitting her square in the head.)

JULIA: Go back to Hell and stalk Nicky Blair, ya wig-wearing witch!

(Angelique screams as she is disappears, engulfed in flames. Barnabas turns to Julia.)

BARNABAS: You saved me from Angelique! Julia, how can I repay you?

(Julia lets loose with a coy smile as she holds a piece of mistletoe above her head. Barnabas hides his disapproval as he walks toward the door, grabbing his Inverness cape from the coat rack.)

JULIA: Barnabas, where are you going?

BARNABAS: I promised Willie a Christmas Eve beating with my cane. I can't disappoint him, Julia.

(Barnabas slips out the door, leaving Julia to get that scheming look on her face.)

JULIA: Wait'll he sees what I put in his stocking...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

-end-

What's the deal on Donnie Briscoe's hair? It looks like someone cut it with a weed whacker...

And everytime he's about to change into the werewolf, instead it always seems like he has some kind of gastrointestinal problem...

While introducing a friend to Dark Shadows last week, I offered up some sherry, which made it all the more of a cool experience.

After awhile, as my friend was getting the hang of the show and the characters, I decided we should make things more interesting...

While we watched the show, we sipped our sherry, but every time Vicki says "I don't understand", we had to down what we had in our glass.

Needless to say, my friend got drunk pretty quick and ended up crashing on my sofa!

So what's the deal with Joe Haskell's new hair color?

And why is he being so condescendingly stupid about the pentagram on his pretty boy face and the warning from Janet Findley? After all, it wasn't very long ago that he was Vampy Angelique's man-bitch!

What a good-natured simpleton!

INT/OLD HOUSE-NIGHT

(DR. JULIA HOFFMAN sits in Barnabas' wingback chair, nervously wringing her hands. BARNABAS COLLINS enters, looking immaculate and--for once--kind of happy. Julia jumps up when she sees him...)

JULIA: Barnabas! What happened?

BARNABAS: Nicky Blair is gone...consumed by a fireball on Widows' Hill.

JULIA (running to hug Barnabas): The danger's finally over!

BARNABAS: Get off me, woman! Where's Adam?

JULIA: He went out.

BARNABAS: And you just let him go?

JULIA: I suggested he join a dating service. You know...since the experiment was a bust-out.

(Barnabas runs for the door.)

JULIA (cont'd): Where are you off to now?

BARNABAS (gesturing dramatically with his cape): To Collinwood!

JULIA (as he exits): Could you bring back my other white stockings? I have a run in this pair...

FADE TO:

INT/VICKI'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

(Barnabas enters, finding CAROLYN STODDARD passed out; he revives her...)

BARNABAS: Carolyn, what happened to you?

CAROLYN: Oh, Barnabas! Adam's gone crazier than a sh**house rat! He choked me until I passed out and carried Vicki away.

BARNABAS: No, I mean what happened to your hair.

CAROLYN (suddenly self-conscious): I'm...I'm just parting it down the middle now.

BARNABAS: Well, I absolutely hate it! Get some granny glasses and a long quilted skirt and you'll look like one of those hippie girls I see running around Bangor.

CAROLYN (pissed): Thank you, Mr. Blackwell. You wanna go save Vicki now?

BARNABAS (gesturing dramatically with his cape): To the Old House!

(He exits.)

CAROLYN: Histrionic fop!

FADE TO:

INT/OLD HOUSE-NIGHT

(Barnabas enters, finding Julia waiting for him...)

JULIA: Oh, Barnabas, it's terrible! Adam's locked himself down in the cellar! He's going to do the experiment on Vicki!

BARNABAS (brandishing a pistol): Well, I'm going downstairs and put a pill in that man-made jackass!

JULIA: I offered him a sedative, Barnabas. He turned me down.

BARNABAS (with a heavy sigh): Not that kind of pill, Julia.

JULIA (noticing the gun): Oh.

INT/CELLAR OF THE OLD HOUSE-NIGHT

(THE NEW VICKI is strapped to a table, moaning and screaming as ADAM fiddles with switches and knobs. Barnabas and Julia run down the stairs, concerned and frightened...)

BARNABAS: Adam...stop! Stop I say! I want you to let Vicki-- (gets a look at the New Vicki) Wait a minute...this isn't Vicki!

ADAM: It is! I found her in Vicki's bedroom.

BARNABAS: So?! Tom Jennings was in that bedroom the other night. Does that make him Vicki?!

ADAM: Why do you say this isn't Vicki?

BARNABAS: Well, first of all, the hair's all wrong. And that shrill voice could make the dogs howl all by themselves!

ADAM: I do not care! This Vicki will pay for what you have done to me! For you have left me to roam this earth without a mate!

JULIA: Oh, wah, ya big crybaby! You think you're the only one roaming the earth without a mate? Look at me! (jabbing a thumb at Barnabas) I killed a guy for this creepy mook and he won't touch me!

ADAM (his hand on the big switch): When I pull this switch, Barnabas, your beloved Vicki will be as worthless as burnt toast!

BARNABAS (pointing the pistol at Adam): Do it, Adam, and I'll pop a cap in your man-made ass!

(Adam goes to pull the switch, but Barnabas fires the pistol, hitting Adam in the shoulder...)

ADAM (in pain): Damn! I thought that was another one of your idle threats!

(Adam runs up the stairs and disappears. Barnabas and Julia attend to Vicki.)

JULIA: You have to go after him, Barnabas!

(Suddenly, a YOUNG WOMAN appears out of nowhere, as if by some kind of strange magic...)

YOUNG WOMAN: That won't be necessary, Doctor Hoffman...

BARNABAS: Who are you? Where did you come from?

(Now, the young woman is revealed to be...PROF. STOKES!)

PROF. STOKES: My name is Professor Stokes. I'm from the 21st century. I've taken a strange and terrifying journey, back to the year 1968, to tell you that this storyline is over!

BARNABAS: The 21st century?

PROF. STOKES: It's involved. Anyway, the other Professor Stokes will take care of Adam. He'll call a guy named Carl to remove the bullet from Adam's shoulder...then he'll put him in a clinic somewhere to take care of the scars. And you're right about this Vicki...she isn't the Vicki you're in love with.

JULIA: Can you prove it?

PROF. STOKES: Of course. (shaking the New Vicki awake) Vicki...say something.

NEW VICKI (groggy): I don't understand...

PROF. STOKES: See what I mean? She's not nearly as clueless as the old one.

BARNABAS: So what do we do now?

PROF. STOKES: I have a friend in New Jersey...Julia's talked to her on the phone once...she says to bring on Quentin!

BARNABAS: Who?

PROF. STOKES: You'll meet him soon enough. (beginning to fade into the future) Oops! Gotta go! Tell Professor Stokes he's my favorite...!

(And as quickly as she appeared, Prof. Stokes has now vanished...)

BARNABAS: Well, that was odd.

JULIA: Yes. I think I need a sedative...

BARNABAS: I have a better idea.

JULIA: What's that, Barnabas?

BARNABAS: There's still five bullets in this gun. (gesturing dramatically with his cape) I'm off to shoot Jeff Clark!

JULIA: You mean Peter Bradford?

BARNABAS (exiting the cellar): Whoever. Damned hair toucher!

JULIA: God...I never knew he could be so sexy! He needs to go on shooting sprees more often!

END...

My friend who had the crazy dream about Joe and Willie is at it again, and this one's a doozie:

Apparently Joshua Collins and Ben Stokes died shortly after the horrific events of 1795-96. Some villain stepped in and took over the running of the estate. He may've even married crazy Millicent. Or he may've been from yet another branch of the family tree. Suffice it to say he did not like his new pseudo-stepson, Daniel [mistakenly called David in the dream].

This villian told a servant to secretly kill Daniel and make it look like the boy had disappeared. The servant, possibly Ben Stokes' son, was very obedient and servile and all, but he couldn't bring himself to shed Collins blood. Instead, he arranged to send the boy far away to an orphanage or something like that.
When next we see Daniel, he is standing in a line with a huge group of new arrivals at this orphanage, which was almost a sort of work camp. He had been separated into a special group of children who came from wealthy families, but who, for one shady reason or another, were being sent to this camp. These kids were useful enough that they needed to be kept alive.

The kids were discussing how they were to keep entertained here. One kid with a red face said something about Pearl Harbor. At first I took it to mean the camp was in Hawaii, somewhere near Pearl Harbor. [but was it even called that in 1796? I doubt it.] Now I'm thinking that kid had been nabbed from a wealthy sugar planting family in hawaii.

Daniel was looking ragged. He had only a small carpet bag of clothes, plus one sailor's duffel bag load of books. I was apparently running out of time. I didnt get to see much more enacted--I just read ahead about it in a book.

Things continued on much the same at Collinwood--more Collins cousins moved in and weird shit continued to happen. Everyone assumed Daniel had disappeared, as per the official story. Daniel was worked and abused at this Dickensian orphanage. A young Collins couple married and went on the grand tour to Europe for two years. Shortly after they returned, Daniel Collins found out where in the country he was, escaped, and returned to Collinwood, a bit older, much wiser, and ready to exact his revenge.