The first storyline, all 124 episodes of "Dark Shadows Captions", the comedy photo-novel re-telling of the entire series is online in toto [Insert Wizard of Oz joke here].  No more only getting two episodes a week and having the old episodes disappear behind you.

I haven't released any more yet past this first storyline.  I've still got this mad idea that the whole thing might make a good subscription book on Kindle or something if it could only be licensed.  I'm joining Crazi Jenny in the Tower Room tomorrow.

http://graeme.50webs.com/dscaps/

Episodes 113 and 114 of Dark Shadows Captions, the comedy photocomic retelling of the original series are now online at:

http://graeme.t15.org/burkedevlin/current/


Widow's Hill Notes (like Cliff Notes, but better) to previous episodes can be found at

http://graeme.t15.org/burkedevlin/epguide/

EPISODE 78 (released 5/28/12)

SHORT VERSION:  Annoyed with Carolyn for standing him up, Joe considers finding a new girl, and invites Maggie to dance. 


LONG VERSION:  Sam wants to talk to Roger, but Roger refuses to talk over the phone. He insists that Sam meet him at the Blue Whale, and wear a pink carnation. Sam protests that that isn't necessary. Roger already knows what he looks like. Roger says that half the fun of having a deep dark secret is the all cloak and dagger. If you're not into that stuff, you might as well go straight.

Roger realizes he needs a cover story for meeting Sam, when along comes Old Instant Alibi herself, Vicki. Roger says he never made good on his promise to take Vicki out to dinner, and offers to take her now: to the Blue Whale. Vicki's not too wild about the idea. For one thing, she doesn't drink. One sip of alcohol turns her into a clueless ninny. Roger promises not to tell anyone if she doesn't.

At the Whale, Sam and Maggie are drinking, but both still perpindicular. Maggie seems to have had a few too many, though. She notices how good looking and unescorted Joe Haskell seems to be. Sam fears that Maggie has had too much, and so quickly downs the rest of her drink, in much the same way that a soldier might fall on a grenade to save his comrades.

Maggie drops a handkerchief, and Joe is right there to pick it up for her. This shows that he's interested in her too. Maybe TOO interested. Maggie had dropped the handkerchief in her lap!

It seems that Joe has been stood up by Carolyn (again), so the three of them propose a drinking game: They all have to take a drink every time one of them says the words "The Collins Family of Collinsport" (Sam wants it to be every time one of them breathes, but he's outvoted). In this way, they can kvetch about the Collins family and get plastered too. Joe explains his latest tiff with Carolyn. She had wanted him to drop everything and take her to the beach, but then ditched him for Burke Devlin. Maggie takes this opportunity to drop a few hints about how much she'd like to be taken to the beach. In fact, in her condition, she's almost ready to float there under her own power.

Joe excuses himself to play a quick phone prank on Vicki, but it backfires on him. It turns out that not only does the Collins family have Prince Albert in a can, they also have Barnabas Collins in a box.

Back at the table, Sam is telling Joe to show more backbone with Carolyn, and not be such a doormat. Joe agrees. He's decided that he's mad as heck... This is Television, in the movies he'd be even madder... and he's not going to take it any more. What he needs is a new girl. Sam says he's got one right here. Low mileage, intelligent, sassy, good company. She was previously used by a little old man who only used her to clean his paintbrushes on Sundays. Joe wants to know if she's a good cook, but Sam says let's come back to that one, shall we...

At Collinwood, Roger is ready to leave for the Whale. Vicki wants to stop and powder her nose first, but Roger asks her to keep it shiny. That's how he'd planned to navigate his car in the dark (Hey, if it works for Santa Claus...).

Back at the Whale, Joe has slammed Maggie's doors, kicked her tires, and taken her out for a test drive on the dance floor. It looks very much like Maggie is on the verge of getting out her branding iron and officially stamping Joe as HER boyfriend. They reminisce a bit about Joe's heroics on the High School Football Team. Maggie looks like she's about ready to jump on a table and begin a "Rickety Rack!" cheer for him right now, but Sam is contemptuous of the sport. In his day (Side Note: Any time an older person begins a sentence with the phrase "In my day", get out of there fast!), ...In his day, football wasn't a "profession", it was a GAME. Something they did to pass the time at Gettysburg waiting for the next Rebel attack. Sam says he never had the energy for football, he was always too tired out from walking 20 miles to school, in the snow, uphill both ways.

Roger and Vicki walk in. Sam not-too-subtly stops to chat with Roger, and sends Vicki over to talk with Maggie and Joe. Both Sam and Roger are confused by the recent turn of events. They've convinced each other that they didn't kill Malloy, but if they didn't, who did? Maybe it really was a lucky accident. Maybe they just live right... No, it couldn't possibly be that.

At the other table, Maggie and Joe have introduced Vicki to their drinking game. They're both too soused to even say the words "Collins Family of Collinsport" any more, and ask Vicki to say it for them. Vicki thinks they've had enough, but they say nonsense. This is a filler episode anyway, so fill 'er up!!

Maggie and Joe are also interested in the rumor that Liz might hire Mrs. Johnson. They agree Collinwood could use a housekeeper, but they hope she's not there to replace Vicki. Vicki says not to worry. Mrs. Johnson has neither the legs nor the mysterious past needed to handle the governess job.

The talk turns back to football.  We learn that Collinsport has the only High School football team in the country where the cheerleaders were black and cry through all the cheers.

Roger comes back to the other table, fakes a headache, and tells Vicki he's ready to go back to Collinwood. For good measure, he tosses out a few gratuitously derogatory remarks about Joe and Maggie's meager working class lives on his way out the door. Joe is ready to follow Roger and have it out with him, but finds a ball and chain padlocked to his ankle. Maggie certainly works fast when she smells a date!

Back at Collinwood, Roger and Vicki ponder what cliffhanger they can end the show with. Roger says they'll have to settle for a hangover, and heads up to bed.

Episodes 79 and 80 of Dark Shadows Captions, the comedy photocomic retelling of the original series are now online at:

http://graeme.t15.org/burkedevlin/current/


Widow's Hill Notes (like Cliff Notes, but better) to previous episodes can be found at

http://graeme.t15.org/burkedevlin/epguide/

He also played Captain Esteban in Star Trek III.

Whoops, that "the calls are coming from inside the coffin" joke is actually from next week's stuff.  Nobody will be able to see it now.

Episode 664 of Dark Shadows Captions, the only caption novel you can get without a prescription is online.  And as long as you'll have to get used to a tongue-in-cheek version of DS once the new movie comes out anyway, you might as well start getting used to it now.  (And this one comes guaranteed to be closer to the original version than Burton's).  This week, our brief vacation from the thrilling Who Killed Bill Malloy and Shot JR? storyline continues.

Last week, as you'll recall, Barnabas had gone back in time to 1796 to save the lives of Vicki and Peter Bradford, and ended up batting .500.  Unfortunately, it was the WRONG .500, since it was Vicki, not Peter, that he'd hoped to make time with afterwards.  With Vicki's execution imminent, Barnabas retires to the study to ponder his options, only to find the body of a Dock Hooker he'd munched earlier that night sitting in a chair beside him.  He immediately rushes to Joshua yelling "She followed me home, can I keep her?"

Okay, that's NOT what happens.  To find out what does happen, you'll have to read it yourself.  (Hint:  Who's your favorite witch?  Not Wendy, keep guessing...)

http://graeme.t15.org/burkedevlin/1796/0664/

PREVIOUS EPISODES IN THIS STORYLET

EPISODE 661
http://graeme.t15.org/burkedevlin/1796/0661/

EPISODE 662
http://graeme.t15.org/burkedevlin/1796/0662/

EPISODE 663
http://graeme.t15.org/burkedevlin/1796/0663/

EPISODE 56 (released 1/16/12)
Liz reports that Joe Haskell found Carolyn's watch at the bottom of Widow's Hill (fortunately, the watch took a licking but kept on ticking). Carolyn apologizes to Liz for her and Vicki's behavior. She realizes that Vicki was a real idiot, and that she was something less of an idiot, but still slightly blameworthy, for letting Vicki convince her that there was a body down there. Liz says that Carolyn is an idiot, but not for the reason she thinks. It turns out there was a body down there, so Carolyn is an idiot for talking herself out of it.

Carolyn wants to know how Matthew could have mistaken a body for a clump of seaweed. That's dim-witted even for him. Liz explains that he was just trying to cover up what he assumed was another deep, dark family secret. Carolyn hopes that maybe Matthew really did push a piece of seaweed out to see, and only imagined that it was a body (which would mean he was telling the truth even and only thought he was lying, if you're following this), and that maybe Bill is safe. Liz says no such luck. Bill's body washed ashore in the lagoon of an outdoor restaurant called Joe's Crab Shack, down the coast. There's definitely no mistake; half the patrons are in therapy and the other half have become vegetarians.

Roger finds Sam getting plastered at the Blue Whale. There was some disturbance at Joe's Crab Shack, involving a lot of screams and sirens and the like, so he came here for dinner instead. Sam tells him that was the body, and wonders how on earth Roger can be so cavalier about human life. Roger asks Sam how he can be so roundheaded about it. Nobody laughs, proving that jokes about the English Civil War just don't get over in Collinsport.

At Collinwood, Carolyn and Vicki are making Vicki's bed. Vicki takes the opportunity to bore Carolyn with tales of how she made beds at the Foundling Home. (There's not much to tell, other than that vicki made beds at the Foundling Home. Somehow, she just thought that everyone would be fascinated with that tidbit of her live, which proves that Vicki is going to fit in just fine when Facebook is invented). Carolyn lets slip that Bill Malloy is dead. Vicki can't understand how that could be. According to Art Wallace's Story Bible, Malloy is still around when Jason McGuire comes to town. Carolyn regretfully concludes that the Story Bible isn't gospel.

Back at the Whale, Roger is vowing revenge on whoever killed Malloy... if anyone killed Malloy. Sam says that won't bring poor Bill back. Roger says of course not. If it would bring Bill back, he wouldn't do it. "You know what he was about to reveal about us! Use your head, Evans!"

At Collinwood, Carolyn is telling Vicki the sad story of how Bill's body was found, for the benefit of any viewers who missed yesterday's episode.

At the Whale, Roger is instructing Sam as to what new lies to tell the Police to help cover up the old lies they've already told. Sam is getting cold feet, but the ever-practical Roger points out that if telling the truth would have meant a prison sentence before, that it would mean being held on suspicion of murder now. All they can do is stand together. Sam wants to know how they can stand together when they can't stand each other. Roger suggests that they stand together several feet apart.

At Collinwood, Carolyn finds the Family Bible (not to be confused with the Story Bible). Vicki wonders if Malloy will be honored by having his name inscribed in it, after what happened to him. Carolyn says probably not. Merit has nothing to do with it, the book is reserved only for members of the family, both the Holy and the Damned. Vicki is shocked. ("YOU have holies??")

Vicki asks Carolyn what she knows about a man named Sam Evans. Not much, she explains. They're married in real life, but have had absolutely no association with each other so far on the show.

Later, Roger comes in, all smiles and jokes, and even suggests giving the cannery workers the day off in honor of poor Bill (they can always make up the time on Christmas Day). He's shocked to hear that Vicki went to see Sam Evans, but tries to downplay it. He only looked upset when he heard the news because he was still thinking about Poor Bill. And that musical stinger only played when he heard the news because he'd stepped in a piece of David's chewing gum on the floor. As cliffhangers go, it's not much, but you take what you can get.