DARK SHADOWS FORUMS
General Discussions => Current Talk Archive => Current Talk '24 I => Current Talk '02 II => Topic started by: scout75 on December 14, 2002, 11:23:16 PM
-
(cue the spooky voiceover music): It is Christmas at Collinwood--a magical time of year. While Doom still lurks around every shadowy corner, at Christmas, it dons a Santa cap and passes out candy canes...
And although it is the most wonderful time of the year, Barnabas Collins is embarking on a Christmas Eve quest that can only end in yet another family tragedy.
INT-OLD HOUSE-NIGHT
(The halls are decked and the stockings have been placed by the chimney with care--one each for Elizabeth, Roger, Carolyn, Mrs. Johnson, Julia, Quentin & Barnabas. NOTE: Everyone's stocking is red, except Julia's--which is white.
BARNABAS COLLINS enters, carrying a large stocking with David's name printed on it. Barnabas, as usual, is immaculate, and, on this night, is dressed in his very best suit. DR. JULIA HOFFMAN follows after him, looking hot in a black cocktail dress. As usual, she is very concerned about Barnabas.)
JULIA: You can't do this, Barnabas.
BARNABAS: I can and I shall. (carefully hanging David's stocking) This family will have a Christmas party, Julia. Either you're with me or against me!
JULIA (sighs): Fine. Whatever.
(Barnabas answers a knock at the door. ROGER COLLINS enters, shaking off the cold and removing his overcoat.)
BARNABAS: It's good of you to come, Roger. Where are the others?
ROGER: Oh, they'll be along shortly. David's head is spinning around and he's speaking in a tongue that Professor Stokes has identified as some kind of darkly Satanic language.
BARNABAS: Will he be all right?
ROGER: Oh, you know how David is when he's not getting enough attention. But that's Maggie's problem. It's Christmas, I've been doing brandy shots since noon, and I need to unwind and relax. Don't I deserve that?!
BARNABAS: Of course, Roger. And I think you'll be very happy with what's in your Christmas stocking.
(Roger is excited as he heads for the fireplace and looks inside his stocking.)
ROGER: Barnabas! (pulls out a bottle of brandy) How did you know that this is exactly what I wanted?!
BARNABAS: Oh...I suppose that I'm just intuitive.
JULIA (rolling her eyes): Yeah.
ROGER: So, tell me, Barnabas...perchance will there be any attractive, unattached women in attendance this evening with whom I can share a snifter of Christmas cheer?
JULIA: Trolling for wife #3 is a grand idea, Roger. Let's see...wife #1 was a phoenix, wife #2 was a witch. Maybe you'll get lucky the third time around and marry a succubus!
BARNABAS: Julia!
(Roger gives Julia a dirty look and goes inside to the party, grumbling under his breath about moochers as he exits. Barnabas looks deep into Julia's eyes, concerned by her sudden outburst.)
BARNABAS: That wasn't like you, Julia. Perhaps a spell has been been cast upon you.
JULIA: The only spell that's been cast on me is by Percodan.
BARNABAS: Julia!
JULIA: I may pass out sedatives-by-the-handful to the family. But I keep the good stuff for myself.
(Barnabas goes to answer the door again, revealing a smiling and pleasant CHRIS JENNINGS, who enters the Old House.)
BARNABAS: Jennings...so good to see you!
(Chris's smiles grows wider, revealing a set of fangs. Oh, no--it's actually TOM JENNINGS, who suggestively wiggles his tongue.)
JULIA: Now that's what I want for Christmas!
BARNABAS: My god, Jennings! Can't you just stay dead?
(Barnabas slips a stake out of his breast pocket and plunges it into Tom Jennings' chest; he falls dead instantly. Julia sighs in disappointment.)
BARNABAS: Ironic.
JULIA: What is?
BARNABAS: How it took a little piece of wood to bring down a bigger piece of wood.
(There is yet another knock at the door. Barnabas gives Julia a look.)
BARNABAS: Would you mind, Julia? I must be able to greet my guests.
(Julia rolls her eyes in annoyance and grabs Tom Jennings by the collar, dragging his body toward the cellar door.)
BARNABAS: Thank you, Julia.
JULIA: Get waxed, ya creepy mook!
(As she exits, Barnabas answers the door. ADAM is standing outside, holding a large fruitcake.)
BARNABAS: Adam. Come in. (as Adam enters) How have you been?
ADAM: Fine. I've been hiding out at this farmhouse in Woodstock, New York. Nobody ever comes up there.
BARNABAS: Adam, I've felt bad about what happened between us. You know, attempting to kill you on several occasions.
ADAM: It's my fault, Barnabas. Adam bad.
BARNABAS: No, you're not, Adam. Even I've had one or two ruthless moments.
JULIA (back from the cellar): More like one or two hundred. But who's counting?
BARNABAS: Adam, go inside and join the others. I have a special Christmas present that I'll give to you later.
ADAM (brightly): Really?
BARNABAS: Really.
ADAM: Goody!
(Adam shoves the fruitcake at Julia and joins the others in the next room.)
JULIA: What did you get him?
BARNABAS: A green sweater.
(Barnabas and Julia get spooked when they hear "Quentin's Theme" played with jungle bells. Barnabas is annoyed.)
BARNABAS: I was hoping he'd be too drunk to come here tonight. Or that he had turned back into a zombie.
JULIA: You're jealous of him!
BARNABAS: I am not! He just acts as if he's the only member of this family who lived in the past and is harboring a terrible secret affliction.
JULIA: But you two have so much in common, Barnabas. You're both rotten with women and you both terrorized David. There's a lot of common ground there.
BARNABAS: Perhaps you're right, Julia, but--
(A big whoosh comes from the fireplace; the flames grow higher--revealing the image of ANGELIQUE.)
BARNABAS: Angelique!
ANGELIQUE: Yes, Barnabas, my love, it is I. Did you think I would leave you alone at Christmas?
(Julia gets mad and hurls Adam's fruitcake at Angelique, hitting her square in the head.)
JULIA: Go back to Hell and stalk Nicky Blair, ya wig-wearing witch!
(Angelique screams as she is disappears, engulfed in flames. Barnabas turns to Julia.)
BARNABAS: You saved me from Angelique! Julia, how can I repay you?
(Julia lets loose with a coy smile as she holds a piece of mistletoe above her head. Barnabas hides his disapproval as he walks toward the door, grabbing his Inverness cape from the coat rack.)
JULIA: Barnabas, where are you going?
BARNABAS: I promised Willie a Christmas Eve beating with my cane. I can't disappoint him, Julia.
(Barnabas slips out the door, leaving Julia to get that scheming look on her face.)
JULIA: Wait'll he sees what I put in his stocking...
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
-end-
-
I loved it! Honestly, truthfully, hopefully... I loved it. Dr. H was her "I don't have anybody to spend Christmas with"self again......... Roger, poor Roger, David's the reason that he drinks you know.... Barnabas (sigh) he was wonderful and he got Dr. H off his back, for now.... Angelique will come back for the second round, so, Dr. H beware..Those Jennings boys, I never could get them straight...Barnabas was kinda mean giving Adam a GREEN sweater, yea right. [beer]
-
scout75, this was fantastic! I think it's exactly what we needed to brighten up the DS-less Christmas season too. Thanks for the laughs!
ProfStokes
-
GREAT! I NEEDED THAT!
MISTY
-
Very nice Christmas story... it would be nice if everyone would take quill in hand and post a lovely short story...
Thank you so much for sharing such a brilliant wit. :)
-
it would be nice if everyone would take quill in hand and post a lovely short story...
2. The purpose of these forums is to discuss DARK SHADOWS, its characters, actors and storylines. Role playing (putting oneself or another poster into the DS story) is discouraged, and repeated efforts to role play may result in removal of these posts from the board. This does not, however, refer to DS-related usernames or signatures. These forums also do not accept fan fiction and such works are subject to removal.
If anyone wants to write a Christmas or any other type of DS story, here's a link to just one of the numerous internet sites that host fan fiction:
http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/1/1851
Scout75 and I have discussed his humorous scripts on the board. I acknowledged that they're fan fic but I've allowed them because he has been a wonderful sport about not making them ongoing, and he has honored the request that they not exceed a single post; we've done the same for short poems, filk songs, storyboards, and other short DS-related fictional works. But the DS Forums staff just isn't large enough to take on moderating even the shortest of stories, sorry.
Thanks!
-
Scout75 and I have discussed his humorous scripts on the board. I acknowledged that they're fan fic but I've allowed them because he has been a wonderful sport about not making them ongoing, and he has honored the request that they not exceed a single post;
Usually, I keep them confined to the storyline being shown on Sci-Fi--which is hard to do when the show's not on! :(
But it's Christmas and all, so I made it a year-end thing, using characters seen in the past year...
-
That was so funny!! What a delight! :D
-
ROFL !! This gets funnier and funnier each time I read it. DS absurdity at its best! I love Scout75's take on these people. And ya know, it does well to remind us once in awhile how sickening Barnabas can be. LOL (I still love him though) (that idiot) (ducking)
Hey!! [uzi]
BARNABAS: How it took a little piece of wood to bring down a bigger piece of wood.
My dear Scout75,
I had a feeling this was gonna show up somewhere, you maniac. And Briscoe is NOT an image carved from wood. At least he knows his lines unlike some people who shall remain nameless (JF) and by the way, how's my statue coming along???
Fondly,
-CLC :-*
-
Scout,
My sides are hurting!!!
This was so hilarious [thumb]
Happy Holidays :)
Julianka
-
Hysterical, Scout. This thing had me rolling. But perhaps I just need a sedative.
You think Julia would part with any of the good stuff she keeps in her personal stash?
--Mark[/glow]
-
Great job, Scout! [thumb] You have talent worthy of more stories. And will see more on the Scifi board?
Carol
-
My dear Scout75,
I had a feeling this was gonna show up somewhere, you maniac. And Briscoe is NOT an image carved from wood. At least he knows his lines unlike some people who shall remain nameless (JF) and by the way, how's my statue coming along???
I had the urchins working night & day on a statue of Donnie Briscoe, but then a roving gang of termites attacked the carving in a most inappropriate place...
[bawl][nuts][shckd][vryevl]
-
I had a feeling this was gonna show up somewhere, you maniac. And Briscoe is NOT an image carved from wood. At least he knows his lines unlike some people who shall remain nameless (JF) and by the way, how's my statue coming along???
and i still say he is the best damned looking piece of wood i've ever seen!
great story scout
fondly too
jennifer
-
2. The purpose of these forums is to discuss DARK SHADOWS, its characters, actors and storylines. Role playing (putting oneself or another poster into the DS story) is discouraged, and repeated efforts to role play may result in removal of these posts from the board. This does not, however, refer to DS-related usernames or signatures. These forums also do not accept fan fiction and such works are subject to removal.
If anyone wants to write a Christmas or any other type of DS story, here's a link to just one of the numerous internet sites that host fan fiction:
http://bboard.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/1/1851
Scout75 and I have discussed his humorous scripts on the board. I acknowledged that they're fan fic but I've allowed them because he has been a wonderful sport about not making them ongoing, and he has honored the request that they not exceed a single post; we've done the same for short poems, filk songs, storyboards, and other short DS-related fictional works. But the DS Forums staff just isn't large enough to take on moderating even the shortest of stories, sorry.
Thanks!
Ouch! :'( sorry.
-
Scout75 Wrote:
ROGER: Oh, you know how David is when he's not getting enough attention. But that's Maggie's problem. It's Christmas, I've been doing brandy shots since noon, and I need to unwind and relax. Don't I deserve that?!
Somehow I can picture this scene as being "normal" at Collinwood! [nuts]
JULIA: I may pass out sedatives-by-the-handful to the family. But I keep the good stuff for myself.
I knew it!!! I just knew it!! [sssh]
(As she exits, Barnabas answers the door. ADAM is standing outside, holding a large fruitcake.)
I wonder if he's as "creative" as his dad, (Dr.Lang) and made it himself? [idea2]
JULIA: What did you get him?
BARNABAS: A green sweater.
LOL!! The poor guy just can't seem to get a break![heh]
Scout, these were great! As I was reading along I can just imagine the whole senario playing in my mind. And the funny thing is that it all seems so normal! Only at Collinwood! [silly]
Thanks for the laughs! [thumb]
Cassandra[/font]
-
I had the urchins working night & day on a statue of Donnie Briscoe, but then a roving gang of termites attacked the carving in a most inappropriate place...
Yeah sure. A likely story. The statue was probably turning out real good and you decided you wanted it for YOURSELF!!
(http://members.aol.com/clchalifoux/images/carl-tim.jpg)
Carl: "I thought I told you to stay away from that guy!"
Tim: "I'm TRYING!"
:o
-
One word, Scout75 - HYSTERICAL!!!
-
Yeah sure. A likely story. The statue was probably turning out real good and you decided you wanted it for YOURSELF!!
You caught me.
Hey, did I tell you about being at a check-out at a bookstore and behind me I heard a voice that sounded exactly like Don Briscoe?
Alas, it wasn't him...
-
You caught me.
Hey, did I tell you about being at a check-out at a bookstore and behind me I heard a voice that sounded exactly like Don Briscoe?
Alas, it wasn't him...
Wow i would have fainted (like Annie when she meets The Q Man!)
jennifer
-
Brilliant! I always get a pleasurable tingle when I see something written by you, Scout, because I know I'm going to nearly guffaw myself silly!
Thanks so much!
With love and admiration,
Robin
-
Thanks for the laugh, Scout! I particularly enjoyed the part where Barnabas got Adam a green sweater. :-)