DARK SHADOWS FORUMS
General Discussions => Current Talk Archive => Current Talk '24 I => Current Talk '02 II => Topic started by: scout75 on August 07, 2002, 02:05:40 AM
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INT/OLD HOUSE-NIGHT
(BARNABAS COLLINS is immaculate despite the look of grave concern etched across his face; he jumps out of his wingback chair when WILLIE LOOMIS runs inside breathlessly.)
WILLIE: Bahnabas! You gotta listen to me, Bahnabas! He's out there!
BARNABAS: What is it, Willie? Who's out there?
WILLIE (pointing at the front window): H-H-H-H-Him!!
(TOM JENNINGS is spread across the windows, his nose pressed against the glass.)
TOM: Julia!! Juull-ii-aaaa!!
BARNABAS (gesturing dramatically): Get away from this house, you undead handyman!!
TOM (runs into the night, howling): Julll-iii-aaa!!
WILLIE: What're we gonna do, Bahnabas?!
(DR. JULIA HOFFMAN runs downstairs, an eager boy crazy schoolgirl look in her eyes.)
JULIA: Barnabas, was that Tom I heard? He got us tickets to see the Monkees in Bangor!
BARNABAS (infuriatated): The Monkees?! (clenching his fists as he stares into space) Then Tom Jennings must be destroyed! Tonight!
JULIA: Oh, Barnabas! You can be so cruel!
(Julia bursts into tears and runs upstairs.)
WILLIE: She's right, Bahnabas...she's right about you being jealous.
BARNABAS (wistfully staring into space): Of course she is, Willie. How can I not feel something for Julia Hoffman? From the first time I grabbed her by the throat and threatened to kill her, I knew we would be friends. Dear, dear friends. Dear, dear platonic friends...
(Suddenly a DISEMBODIED VOICE shouts out--)
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Steve!!
WILLIE (frightened): W-W-W-W-W-What was that?!
BARNABAS: What are you talking about, Willie?
WILLIE: You didn't hear that?!
BARNABAS: Stop being hysterical, Willie. Now go fetch me a stake.
WILLIE: W-W-W-W-W-What're you gonna do, B-B-B-Bahnabas?!
BARNABAS (with grim determination): I'm going to make Tom Jennings into a daydream believer. And quite possibly a homecoming queen.
FADE TO:
INT/TOM JENNINGS' CRYPT-NIGHT
(Barnabas cautiously creeps inside the crypt, his bangs glistening perfection; Willie slinks behind him, acting as a stake caddy.)
WILLIE: So this is where Tom Jennings spends his days now...
BARNABAS: Yes, but look at the shoddy craftsmanship of his coffin. Sarah's pet rabbit died and we had a nicer coffin. That Joe Haskell is one cheapskate son of a--
WILLIE: Bahnabas! Look out!
(Barnabas turns dramatically and sees Tom Jennings enter the crypt, ready for an old-school Collinsport throwdown. Willie shoves the stakes at Barnabas and runs to the door.)
BARNABAS: Willie! Where are you going?!
WILLIE: Over to Maggie Evans'. I'm gonna stalk around in the bushes for a while before dawn. (to Tom): So long, bloodsuckah!
(Willie runs off into the darkness.)
BARNABAS: I've been too easy on Willie lately. He's been whiny ever since I made him dig up those graves...
TOM: Julia! Julli-iii-iiaaaa!!
BARNABAS (clutching a stake): You will never speak her name again, Jennings. Nor will you swoon over Davy Jones!
(A ROOSTER is heard in the distance: "Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!")
BARNABAS: The cock crows for you, Tom Jennings. And I have booked you passage on the last train to Stakesville!
(Barnabas lunges at Tom, who knocks away the stake; they go for each other's throats savagely, both locked in a death grip.)
BARNABAS: Boorish gigolo!
TOM: Histrionic fop!
(Rage burns in Barnabas' eyes as he tightens his grip on Tom's throat. Barnabas slips a stake out of his suit pocket and raises it high above his head...)
CUT TO:
INT/OLD HOUSE-DAWN
(Barnabas is worn and weary as he makes his way through the front door; he is annoyed to see ADAM making himself at home, playing solitaire.)
ADAM: Hello, Barnabas...
BARNABAS: For God's sake, Adam...what do you want from me now?! A pony?!
ADAM: It is a mate that I want from you, Barnabas...but a pony would be nice...
BARNABAS (annoyed): Well, you can have one or the other, Adam. A mate or a pony.
ADAM: But Adam want both!
BARNABAS: I don't think so, Adam. It is time that I set boundaries with you. Your behavior as of late has been completely unacceptable.
(Adam slumps and pouts.)
BARNABAS: Now you go back to the place where Carolyn hides you and think about what you've done, young man.
ADAM (walks toward the door): Yes, Barnabas...
BARNABAS: And no killing Vicki Winters!
ADAM (pouting): Okay.
(Adam slips out the door as Julia comes downstairs.)
BARNABAS: Julia...I trust you're feeling better.
JULIA: Yes...yes, I am. But we have another problem, Barnabas...
BARNABAS: What now?!
JULIA: Elizabeth is upstairs...
BARNABAS: Oh, is she still on that "Roger-plans-to-bury-me-alive" kick?
JULIA: I...I-I...I'm afraid so...
BARNABAS (turns away, stares into space): Oh, Julia...the summer of 1968 was supposed to be such a blessed time for me.
JULIA: I...I-I...I know, Barnabas...
BARNABAS: I'm cured of my affliction now. This summer was supposed to be all about me. This was to be...(dramatic pause)...the Summer of Barnabas. But it is not to be...
(Barnabas grabs his wolf's head cane and heads for the door.)
JULIA: Where are you going, Barnabas?
BARNABAS: Out to find Willie and beat him into a coma.
(Julia beams as Barnabas exits.)
JULIA: God, how I love that man!!
END...
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Hi, Scout75 thats a terrific obsevation of
Barnabas great writing !!!
Take Care Anne :o :o :o ;)
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Great writing! You really understand the characters. :D
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Bravo! [hello] [hello] [hello]
That was hysterical.
Bette [thumb]
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BARNABAS (infuriatated): The Monkees?! (clenching his fists as he stares into space) Then Tom Jennings must be destroyed! Tonight!
LOL! This totally cracked me up! Thanks for the great laugh!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
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LOL! This was great! Thanks for the laugh :)
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BARNABAS (with grim determination): I'm going to make Tom Jennings into a daydream believer. And quite possibly a homecoming queen.
LOL!!
How do you think of this stuff?
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[aprvb] Tee hee, :D giggle, [chkyy] chuckle, [lghy] LOL, [evily] guffaw, ;D snort
I can't believe how you NAILED everyone's character! :-*
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This would be a hilarious skit at the Dark Shadows Festival.
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Scout, your grasp of the satirical potential of DS is brilliant in the extreme! Bravo!
Let me give you a "hand," ;D
Petofi
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Har! [jester]....and a Monkees reference!! extra points! but now I'll always picture Tom, in full regalia, when I hear Daydream believer. If this gets presented at the next fest, I wanna be the rooster!
and the RPTBMA Kick! [that can be the Liz Disease - 'please give now..... this RPTBMA victim can't help herself']
Let me give you a "hand," ;D
Petofi
Hey Micky....where's that rimshot?
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The way my day went today...........I sure could use a good laugh and something interesting to read .........thanks! [wavey]
I missed DS this morning....this sorta made up for it. :)
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Another winner, scout75! Loved all the Monkees references! However, my favorite line must be:
BARNABAS: For God's sake, Adam...what do you want from me now?! A pony?!
Keep it up! :D
ProfStokes
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ROTFL!!!
Scout, that was priceless!! I loved it! [thumb]
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JULIA: What are you going, Barnabas?
BARNABAS: Out to find Willie and beat him into a coma.
(Julia beams as Barnabas exits.)
JULIA: God, how I love that man!!
END...
Oh God - what a giggle. Can't get the smile off my face.
This is funny as hell. (And alot more plausible than what I've seen of the show lately).
Great work!
-CLC
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V-e-r-y, v-e-r-y f-u-n-n-y!!!
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OMG! This is too, too funny. You summed up the summer so well ;D
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Hilarious, and so beautifully written! I, too, laughed out loud when Barnabas asked Adam what he wants now--a pony?
All the Monkees references were hysterical, too. I so appreciate the early-morning guffaws!
Love, Robin
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I think your reputation is made, scout75.... (What do you want now, a pony?)....but if you keep this up, how will we ever choose which one to perform at the next fest?
Rainey....who STILL wants to be Mrs Johnson on Sodium Pentathol. [lghy]
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Very funny Scout and much better than the current storyline!
jennifer( a pony heehee!)
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that was great! ;D truly funny
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;DOh yeah!!! You made my day!!
Misty (after I pick myself up from the floor)
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INT/OLD HOUSE-NIGHT
(TOM JENNINGS is spread across the windows, his nose pressed against the glass.)
TOM: Julia!! Juull-ii-aaaa!!
BARNABAS (gesturing dramatically): Get away from this house, you undead handyman!!
TOM (runs into the night, howling): Julll-iii-aaa!!
WILLIE: What're we gonna do, Bahnabas?!
ROTFLM<bleep>O!!!!![/glow]
This entire piece is absolutely hysterical. :D :D :D If they ever decide to spoof DS on The Rerun Show, I hope they let YOU write it.
If you're taking requests, I'd LOVE to see what you come up with for Roger, Liz, and Cassandra. :)
Cheers,
Linda
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If you're taking requests, I'd LOVE to see what you come up with for Roger, Liz, and Cassandra.
Liz and Cassandra nearly made appearances in "The Summer Of Barnabas", but it just didn't work out.
Maybe next time... :)
And thanks for everyone's kindly comments.
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Scout,
ROTFLOL!!!!!!!!
You sure can turn a phrase ;D
Keep up the great work!