DS Fan Club Newsletter from 1969!

[yendor]

Here are three pages of a MOCK Dark Shadows Fan Club newsletter, circa March/April 1969. I wrote it for an article I'm doing on Dark Shadows...and based it on actual newsletters of the day. Since the content has to do with 1897, I think you guys will enjoy this!

THE
COLLINSPORT
GAZETTE


Volume 1, # 1
April 1969


Editors:       Bob Finocchio, President - The Diana Millay Fan Club!
Dot Money, President - The Louis Edmonds Fan Club!
Rodney Labbe, President - The Dennis Patrick Fan Club!
           


Hey, all you groovy guys and chicks out there in Dark Shadows land!  Welcome to the very first edition of the DS Collinsport Gazette!  Ok, you're probably wondering "do we really need another Dark Shadows fan club?"  And the boss and far-out answer is "yeah, baby!"  Instead of concentrating on a single star, like Jonathan Frid, or Kathryn Leigh-Scott, The Collinsport Gazette will be covering the entire weird, wacky, wild and wonderful  world of Dark Shadows!  Isn't that super cool?  You bet your bippy!  This is THE rocking' place to be for the latest in DS happenings, and--as all of you know--Collinsport is one smokin' town!
Yep, that's right!  We'll fill you in on everything that's "goin' down" with your ultra-fave show, DARK SHADOWS!  Right now, the 1897 flashback is holding us entranced every day--isn't it great to finally hear David Selby talk?  He's sooooo menacing!  All those weeks of him just staring at David and laughing...brrr!  Dynamite Dave reminds us quite a bit of a young Henry Fonda, don't you think?  He towers over everybody on the show!  Keep your fingers crossed, cause we're working on an interview with Mr. Selby, right now!  He's new to all this fan stuff, but from what the Gazette hears, he's friendly and never turns down a request for an autograph.  That's what we call gear!  He's one kool kat!
Well, we could bend your ear all day, but hey, that would take away from what we've got in store for you...so, on with the show!

************

Happy Easter!

Hard to believe that Easter is here, already!  The year is just flying!  Wonder what 1969 will bring?  It's the last year of the Sixties, and we're all holding on for dear life!  We have a new President (Richard Nixon), the Vietnam war is still raging, Rodney bought his first pair of bell bottom pants (super-fab ones, with checks!), and Laugh-in is topping the Nielsen charts!  Talk about diversity!  Can you imagine what the 1970's will be like?!  We'll probably be living on Mars by the time 1980 rolls around!  Doesn't that sound weird?  1980?  Like something out of a science fiction movie or the Jetsons!    
A brand-new fan club has just been formed for marvelous Marie (Eve; Mad Jenny Collins) Wallace!  It's run by Cathe Horodowich, of Brooklyn, NY, and we predict this will be one hot club, so don't miss out!  For one dollar, you'll receive an 8 x 10 personally autographed photo of Marie, a year's worth of club bulletins, official club pencil, and several small photographs!  Thanks, Cathe!  Hugs and lots of kisses!    
Marie is making quite a stir on DS as "Mad Jenny Collins!"  Wasn't it wild when she began talking to her "babies," which are really just dolls!?  Zonked-out, man!  She's very scary, what with all that teased-up hair and weird make-up! It's a crazy look--just like her character!  Let's hope Marie stays in the storyline for months and months!  Wouldn't it be terrible if they killed her off?
There's lots in store for DS fans over the next few months!  The rumor mill has it that none other than David Selby and Nancy Barrett will be releasing a 45 rpm single together!  And here's an interesting tidbit:  "Quentin's Theme" has already been "cut" and should be hitting the radio waves in early summer!  It's an instrumental! The Selby/Barrett duet is called, tentatively "I Wanna Dance With You!"    
There are also definite plans for a long-playing album of DS music, so watch your record shelves!   Dashing Davey and jittery Jonathan Frid are currently laying down some "right-on" tracks for the album!  Groo--vee!  The Collinsport Gazette gives this its highest recommendation!  We're getting our turntables ready!
Also, we've just heard that the 1897 flashback won't resolve itself until November!  And you thought the 1795 storyline was long!  Watch for a strange new character called "Count Petoofi!"  We took a peek at future scripts and discovered that this Count Petoofi has only one arm!  And he has a henchman named Aristotle!  Wonder if he's related to Jackie O?  Sounds spooky!  
As you can see by our masthead, The Collinsport Gazette is edited by Bob Finocchio, of the Diana Millay Fan Club, Dot Money, of the Louis Edmonds Fan Club, and Rodney Labbe, of the Dennis Patrick Fan Club.  Everyone knows Diana is Collinwood's resident phoenix, and Louis Edmonds needs no introduction--his performance as Edward Collins really knocks our socks off!  
As for Dennis Patrick, keep an eye out for a return to DS, probably before the end of the year.  He caused a lot of trouble the last time he was around (remember Jason McGuire?), and you'll be surprised at his new character--somebody named (are you ready for this?) PAUL STODDARD!  That's right!  Paul Stoddard, Liz' supposedly "late" husband and Carolyn's dear-departed daddy.  How he's managed to stay alive and why he's returning to Collinsport will begin a whole new storyline, right after 1897 ends. We can't give you any details, except to say it's a mighty FISHY story!  Pee-yew!
Bob, Dot, and Rodney have taken the time from their own fan clubs to create, write, produce, edit, mail out and generally sweat over every issue of THE COLLINSPORT GAZETTE.  They'll be glad to answer any and all questions you might have about Dark Shadows!  All three are currently high school students.  Bob lives in St. Louis, Missouri; Dot calls Philadelphia, PA her home, and Rodney hails from the woods of Maine--right next to Collinsport!  In our next issue, we'll be printing a fax sheet on Bob Finocchio!  Find out what he has in common with a phoenix!  Does he like to burn things, too?  Wooooo!

FLASH!
       Philadelphia Gum Company has just released the second series of Dark Shadows cards, featuring Quentin, Mad Jenny, and all the characters from 1897!  They're super cool, and soooo boss, boss, boss!  Rumor has it that these cards will be framed in green--and, of course, a delicious piece of bubble gum is included with every pack!  Yum!  Collect the entire set!  We sure will!  Who knows? Twenty years from now, these could be worth a fortune!  Maybe even $25.00!  Isn't that a gas?
     
++++++++

[jennifer]

i feel like i just had a flasbback!

jennifer

[Cassandra Blair]

Yendor - that was way groovy!!!  Thanks for sharing, it was a great way to start the day!!!

[yendor]

Here are a few more pages!  Remember, this was written in 2001--and is NOT an actual newsletter from 1969 (I just have a good memory!)!  Rod

THE COLLINSPORT GAZETTE


Ever Notice?

Ever notice that Carolyn Stoddard always manages to hook up with every available stud who visits Collinwood?  From Chris Jennings to Adam to Tony Peterson--she certainly gets around!  And she also conveniently forgets about her former flings whenever a new guy walks through the door!  Know what we call that?  Well, it rhymes with shut!
Ever notice that Adam wore the same green sweater every time he appeared on the show?  Woo-eee, that sweater must have reeked!  He also had long sideburns and perfect teeth!  Guess Dr. Lang sure knew how to make the perfect man--but those scars!  Whoa!
Ever notice that when Dr. Lang left his message for Julia, that the tape recorder wasn't even on?  Addison Powell was fumbling with the switch!  What were they thinking?!  Haven't they ever heard of rehearsing?
Ever notice that Laura's cottage has the same fireplace that was in Reverend Trask's room in 1795?  
Ever notice that Barnabas oftentimes forgets his lines?  But, of course, you did--he does it in every episode!
Ever notice that Nicholas Blair wore the same suit and tie in every episode?  He and Adam had something in common, besides a big investment in Right-Guard!
Ever notice that people just disappear around Collinwood?  I mean, they're here one minute, and then the next, they're gone!   What's Sandor been up to?  Haven't seen him for a while!  And where's Rachel Drummond?  And aren't there any servants in Collinwood?  It's all very strange!
Ever notice that David Selby's sideburns went from being "pasted-on" to being real?  
Ever notice that Crazy Jenny's dollies are made of vinyl?  Did they even have vinyl in 1897?
Ever notice whenever Amy and David entered Quentin's secret room, Amy looked up at the ceiling?  What did she see up there?  Her lines?
Ever notice that DS has only one skeleton to its name?  It's doubled for Reverend Trask (1795); Eve; and Quentin!  Plus, someone hinged the top of its skull!
Ever notice how Quentin never gets tired of hearing "Shadows of the Night?"  How many times can someone play a piece of music before going insane? I don't even listen to my Fifth Dimension records that long!
Ever notice how every bed on Dark Shadows has colored sheets?  Even in the flashbacks? Did they have mustard yellow sheets in 1795?
Ever notice that whenever Julia Hoffman screams it sounds like a bull in heat?  And when she cries, it goes something like this "Bwahahahahahahaaaa!"  
Ever notice that Mrs. Johnson's hair looks like a dead beaver stuck to her head?  Roadkill alert!  We keep waiting for a strong wind to come along--woosh!  No more beaver!
Ever notice that David is the palest kid on television?  I mean, doesn't the sun ever shine in Collinwood?  That boy definitely needs a tan!
Now that we mention it, ever notice that the sun never shines in Collinwood?  It's always storming!  
Ever notice that "Ever Notice" has come to an end (until next month!)?

++++++++++++++++
THE FUTURE!  What does it hold!

We'd all like Dark Shadows to go on and on and on, far into the 70's and maybe even beyond!  But have you ever wondered what Dark Shadows might be like in the year 2000?  I know, I know, it's a long way off, but I plan to be around when it comes!  Will Collinwood look the same?    
Let's imagine, shall we?
Well, by then, Barnabas should be a pretty old man.  Not that he's exactly young now, being 175 years old!  But if Adam manages to stay alive, Barnabas won't be a vampire, so he'll age (hopefully, gracefully)!  Jonathan Frid will be what, 70 or so? Social Security time!  Liz will probably be dead.  For real, this time. None of this being locked in a coffin stuff!  Roger will be gone, too.  Oh, and definitely Mrs. Johnson.  Yeah, she'll definitely be pushing up daisies--or should we say weeds (this is, after all, Eagle Hill Cemetery we're talking about!). David should be about 45 years old and will be Lord of the Manor.  We predict that he'll have married Amy, and they'll have three children--two boys and a girl.  David will be an alcoholic who likes to ride his space-mobile and go to the moon for vacations.  Amy will be a liberated woman, an artist, and a lesbian. She'll only use David for his money!  Way to go, Amy!    
Julia will have forsaken "Man's World" to become a nun.  She'll belong to the Sisters of Perpetual Lip Trembling, an Order that requires every nun to wear 5 inch-long fake eyelashes and lots of red lipstick, especially if they're Jewish.  Carolyn will be a congresswoman with several marriages under her belt.  She'll also have gained a considerable amount of weight.  Victoria Winters will have faded back from 1795 and will be living in the 21st century as a clone.  Maggie Evans will marry Joe Haskell, and they'll run a restaurant together. On the side, she'll try to sell her father's paintings, but they won't be worth a stale donut!  
Professor Eliot Stokes will have been cyrgenically frozen, but his head will be kept alive. By then, Elizabeth Taylor will be a cast member, and she'll play a gypsy named "Altuna."  Marie Wallace will return as the reincarnation of Mad Jenny, only now, she'll be an empowered woman. No more dolls for her--she'll be artificially inseminated and give birth at age 60! Doncha just love progress?


+++++++++
Help us out!
That's right, we need help!  In order to continue with our hip, up-to-the-groovy-minute newletter, we'll need you to reach down into your pockets, pull out an 8 cent stamp and send it to us!  Also, dues will be going up a whole quarter!  Now, we know that 25 cents is a lot--you can buy 5 candy bars with it--but we just might not be able to survive unless we replenish the treasury!  So dig down deep and help us survive!  Thanks!


Thanks and Happy Easter to everybody!

Dee, Bob, and Rod

[Julianka7]

Thanks for the flash from the past Yendor
It was waaaayyyy cool

[RingoCollins]

Har!!  pretty groovy!  C'port a smoking town!!    

but what's wrong with a newsletter devoted to one individual, say TLATKLS???

Rock on,
Ringo

[Cassandra Blair]

yendor -

The 'ever notice' section had me LOLROTF!!!  It needs to be it's own thread!

Ever notice that whenever Julia Hoffman screams it sounds like a bull in heat?  And when she cries, it goes something like this "Bwahahahahahahaaaa!"  

And this comment about Julia's screams/cries is just priceless! Bless her heart!

Love it!