(cue the spooky voiceover music): It is Christmas at Collinwood--a magical time of year. While Doom still lurks around every shadowy corner, at Christmas, it dons a Santa cap and passes out candy canes...
And although it is the most wonderful time of the year, Barnabas Collins is embarking on a Christmas Eve quest that can only end in yet another family tragedy.
INT-OLD HOUSE-NIGHT
(The halls are decked and the stockings have been placed by the chimney with care--one each for Elizabeth, Roger, Carolyn, Mrs. Johnson, Julia, Quentin & Barnabas. NOTE: Everyone's stocking is red, except Julia's--which is white.
BARNABAS COLLINS enters, carrying a large stocking with David's name printed on it. Barnabas, as usual, is immaculate, and, on this night, is dressed in his very best suit. DR. JULIA HOFFMAN follows after him, looking hot in a black cocktail dress. As usual, she is very concerned about Barnabas.)
JULIA: You can't do this, Barnabas.
BARNABAS: I can and I shall. (carefully hanging David's stocking) This family will have a Christmas party, Julia. Either you're with me or against me!
JULIA (sighs): Fine. Whatever.
(Barnabas answers a knock at the door. ROGER COLLINS enters, shaking off the cold and removing his overcoat.)
BARNABAS: It's good of you to come, Roger. Where are the others?
ROGER: Oh, they'll be along shortly. David's head is spinning around and he's speaking in a tongue that Professor Stokes has identified as some kind of darkly Satanic language.
BARNABAS: Will he be all right?
ROGER: Oh, you know how David is when he's not getting enough attention. But that's Maggie's problem. It's Christmas, I've been doing brandy shots since noon, and I need to unwind and relax. Don't I deserve that?!
BARNABAS: Of course, Roger. And I think you'll be very happy with what's in your Christmas stocking.
(Roger is excited as he heads for the fireplace and looks inside his stocking.)
ROGER: Barnabas! (pulls out a bottle of brandy) How did you know that this is exactly what I wanted?!
BARNABAS: Oh...I suppose that I'm just intuitive.
JULIA (rolling her eyes): Yeah.
ROGER: So, tell me, Barnabas...perchance will there be any attractive, unattached women in attendance this evening with whom I can share a snifter of Christmas cheer?
JULIA: Trolling for wife #3 is a grand idea, Roger. Let's see...wife #1 was a phoenix, wife #2 was a witch. Maybe you'll get lucky the third time around and marry a succubus!
BARNABAS: Julia!
(Roger gives Julia a dirty look and goes inside to the party, grumbling under his breath about moochers as he exits. Barnabas looks deep into Julia's eyes, concerned by her sudden outburst.)
BARNABAS: That wasn't like you, Julia. Perhaps a spell has been been cast upon you.
JULIA: The only spell that's been cast on me is by Percodan.
BARNABAS: Julia!
JULIA: I may pass out sedatives-by-the-handful to the family. But I keep the good stuff for myself.
(Barnabas goes to answer the door again, revealing a smiling and pleasant CHRIS JENNINGS, who enters the Old House.)
BARNABAS: Jennings...so good to see you!
(Chris's smiles grows wider, revealing a set of fangs. Oh, no--it's actually TOM JENNINGS, who suggestively wiggles his tongue.)
JULIA: Now that's what I want for Christmas!
BARNABAS: My god, Jennings! Can't you just stay dead?
(Barnabas slips a stake out of his breast pocket and plunges it into Tom Jennings' chest; he falls dead instantly. Julia sighs in disappointment.)
BARNABAS: Ironic.
JULIA: What is?
BARNABAS: How it took a little piece of wood to bring down a bigger piece of wood.
(There is yet another knock at the door. Barnabas gives Julia a look.)
BARNABAS: Would you mind, Julia? I must be able to greet my guests.
(Julia rolls her eyes in annoyance and grabs Tom Jennings by the collar, dragging his body toward the cellar door.)
BARNABAS: Thank you, Julia.
JULIA: Get waxed, ya creepy mook!
(As she exits, Barnabas answers the door. ADAM is standing outside, holding a large fruitcake.)
BARNABAS: Adam. Come in. (as Adam enters) How have you been?
ADAM: Fine. I've been hiding out at this farmhouse in Woodstock, New York. Nobody ever comes up there.
BARNABAS: Adam, I've felt bad about what happened between us. You know, attempting to kill you on several occasions.
ADAM: It's my fault, Barnabas. Adam bad.
BARNABAS: No, you're not, Adam. Even I've had one or two ruthless moments.
JULIA (back from the cellar): More like one or two hundred. But who's counting?
BARNABAS: Adam, go inside and join the others. I have a special Christmas present that I'll give to you later.
ADAM (brightly): Really?
BARNABAS: Really.
ADAM: Goody!
(Adam shoves the fruitcake at Julia and joins the others in the next room.)
JULIA: What did you get him?
BARNABAS: A green sweater.
(Barnabas and Julia get spooked when they hear "Quentin's Theme" played with jungle bells. Barnabas is annoyed.)
BARNABAS: I was hoping he'd be too drunk to come here tonight. Or that he had turned back into a zombie.
JULIA: You're jealous of him!
BARNABAS: I am not! He just acts as if he's the only member of this family who lived in the past and is harboring a terrible secret affliction.
JULIA: But you two have so much in common, Barnabas. You're both rotten with women and you both terrorized David. There's a lot of common ground there.
BARNABAS: Perhaps you're right, Julia, but--
(A big whoosh comes from the fireplace; the flames grow higher--revealing the image of ANGELIQUE.)
BARNABAS: Angelique!
ANGELIQUE: Yes, Barnabas, my love, it is I. Did you think I would leave you alone at Christmas?
(Julia gets mad and hurls Adam's fruitcake at Angelique, hitting her square in the head.)
JULIA: Go back to Hell and stalk Nicky Blair, ya wig-wearing witch!
(Angelique screams as she is disappears, engulfed in flames. Barnabas turns to Julia.)
BARNABAS: You saved me from Angelique! Julia, how can I repay you?
(Julia lets loose with a coy smile as she holds a piece of mistletoe above her head. Barnabas hides his disapproval as he walks toward the door, grabbing his Inverness cape from the coat rack.)
JULIA: Barnabas, where are you going?
BARNABAS: I promised Willie a Christmas Eve beating with my cane. I can't disappoint him, Julia.
(Barnabas slips out the door, leaving Julia to get that scheming look on her face.)
JULIA: Wait'll he sees what I put in his stocking...
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
-end-
