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For years, we all speculated on just what Dr. Hoffman was prescribing for all of those anxiety-ridden residents of both Collinwood and Collinsport. And, now we know: HOFFZAC!
Yes, beginning with the seminal case of Maggie Evans, Dr. Hoffman was able to discover how efficacious HOFFZAC could be in treating a patient, who was suffering the traumatic aftereffects of both a prolonged confinement and repeated vampiric hickeys. (Later, Dr. Hoffman was able to conduct research on how effective HOFFZAC could also be in treating the PTSD aftereffects on patients, who had not only been the victim of one vampire, but of two separate vampires, specifically Ms. Evans and even herself!!!)
Of course, Dr. Hoffman was also able to research how helpful HOFFZAC could be in treating the angst and severe amnesia a person could experience after undergoing a particularly violent physical attack, when she admitted poor Willy Loomis to her private hospital, Wyndcliff, after Mr. Loomis had been shot 47 times in the back by the Collinsport Police Department. Willy’s complete recovery from his amnesia and anti-social tendencies is a testament to both Dr. Hoffman’s kind and insightful medical talents and Dr. Hoffman’s new winter drug, HOFFZAC.
Dr. Hoffman also achieved great success when she combined prescribing HOFFZAC and psychological counseling in treating the deeply depressed Victoria Winters, who had become suicidal after her fiance, Burke Devlin, had apparently been killed in a plane crash near that city in Brazil, Belem, to be specific.
Nevertheless, there were several unfortunate cases, where even HOFFZAC could not provide psychological relief to some patients. When Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, the esteemed matriarch of Collinwood and CEO of the Collins Enterprises, developed severe anxiety and a morbid obsession with death and even of being buried alive, not even Dr. Hoffman’s constant medical ministrations and fulsome use of HOFFZAC could provide Mrs. Stoddard with relief from her overwhelming anxiety and obsession with death. Ironically, Mrs. Stoddard’s daughter’s, Carolyn Stoddard’s near fatal encounter with a wild animal was what snapped Mrs. Stoddard out of her perplexing deathlike coma, which saved Ms. Stoddard’s life.
The most puzzling failure of HOFFZAC’s effectiveness, was when the estimable Dr. Hoffman attempted to use her new wonder drug to treat 14-year-old Hallie Stokes, a young woman suffering from, arguably, the world’s most severe case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Ms. Stokes was dealing with the trauma of having lost both of her parents in an automobile accident. And after her uncle and legal guardian, Professor T. Elliot Stokes, inexplicably brought Hallie to Collinwood to “recover,” she
began to believe that the ghosts of two children from the mid-eighteenth century were trying to possess her and young David Collins. Not even tripling the usual dosage of HOFFZAC from 20 Mgs to 60 Mgs could lessen Ms. Stokes’ anxiety. It literally took an attack upon Collinwood by persons unknown and the curious disappearances of both Dr. Hoffman and her friend (and paramour?) Barnabas Collins to somehow alleviate Ms. Stokes’ severe case of GAD.
Nevertheless, many of Dr. Hoffman’s medical colleagues have attested to how remarkably effective Dr. Hoffman’s new prescription has been in treating their patients’ severe psychiatric disorders. For example, Dr. Jennifer Melfi of North Caldwell, NJ, has sung the praises of HOFFZAC in how it has been able to effectively treat the severe panic attacks of her longtime patient, a 42-year-old waste management consultant, dealing with constant problems at work, two difficult teenaged children, a nagging and materially obsessive wife, a scheming and duplicitous sister, and an aging and forgetful mother and uncle. Even Dr. Hoffman’s most challenging patients pale in comparison to her friend and colleague Dr. Jennifer Melfi’s angst-ridden middle-aged patient.
So, as that renowned medical doctor and mad scientist, Eric Lang, has declared:
“You can keep your Prozac, Zoloft, Xanax and Clonazepam. I only prescribe HOFFZAC to my patients and that includes Adam, my manmade monster, and Jeff Clark, my irrepressible and narcissistic former lab assistant!”
