Haute Cuisine With Chef Willie Loomis

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Hey gang,

It's too bad that we didn't get to see what epicurean feast "Chef" Willie Loomis prepared for Barnabas' guests the other night at the Old House.  I'm sure you'll agree with me that it was a candlelight supper that that renowned British hostess, Mrs. Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced "Bouquet"), would glowingly approve of.

Let's see, Willie might begin with a fresh tossed salad that he picked up at the local Pathmark, Giant, Von's, Publix (take your pick).  Willie might then serve either some fine Progresso lentil soup or Campbell's all-time-favorite, tomato soup.  

The first course of Willie's feast would be Chef-Boy-Ardee Raviolis from a can.  (Yummy!)  However, Nicholas Blair, a true gastronome, who has traveled the world in search of fine dining, would be positively ecstatic about Willie's main course dish of beef goulash.  "Why, Willie, I haven't had beef goulash this exceptional since I was last in Budapest.  Where ever did you get the recipe for this wonderful dish?"

To which a diffident Willie replies, "Hamburger Helper, helps you make a great meal!!!"

I'm sure we all wish we had been able to break bread with Barnabas, Julia, Elliot (a man with a positively Herculean appetite!) and Nicholas at this truly sumptuous meal.  Bon Appetit, or as my grandfather used to say, "Mangia!!!"  (Eat your heart out, Julia Child!)

Bob the Bartender, who always brings red wine when I dine at White Castle.

[Gerard]

I kinda picture Willie at the back door, doing his usual nervous pacing, rubbing his hand over his hair followed by that palm-up arm pumping, that anguished expression on his face, popping his head outside, saying with gritty intent:  "C'mon, c'mon!  Where the hell is that damn pizza guy!"

Gerard

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Gerard,

What do you think would have happened if that pizza delivery guy mistakenly knocked on the front door of the Old House, and, a cautious Barnabas walked over to the door, asking who it was, and the fellow, a la that guy who knocked on Spicoli's high school classroom door in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" replies, "It's the pizza man!"?  What a contretemps for Mr. B. in front of his distinguished guests!

Bob the Bartender

PS After the dinner party, I think that Barnabas would have acquainted ol' Willie with that "useful" kitchen appliance, the rolling pin.  (A most excellent "tool" for disciplining wayward servants!)

[Annie]

Very Funny Gerard and Bob i loved both
your posts!!!     Love Anne

[Annie]

Me again guys or maybe the menu might consist
of Fliet of Vampire Steak?  Topped with that
famous A1 Vampire Barbacue Steak Sauce???
              Love Anne
( ANNE IS REALLY GETTING READY TO SEE HER Q-MAN
YUMMY)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tanis]

They would have had grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.  Willie could probably handle that.

Tanis

[VAM]

Are you sure he is capable of boiling water?

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Hey gang,

Maybe Willie's main dish was the same as the one Woody Allen served at the last scene in "Broadway Danny Rose" to his guests, Thanksgiving frozen tv turkey dinners?

However, instead of pizza, maybe Willie ordered food from George Chang's Authentic Chinese-American Restaurant in Collinsport.  (Now, how Willie phoned in that order from the Old House is quite another matter.)

Can you imagine that Chinese delivery guy bicycling his way out to the Old House over that extremely bumpy dirt road (and through the truly frightening grounds of Collinwood )?  It was probably the first and only time that Barnabas and Willie were ever cursed out in Mandarin!

Bob the Bartender, who believes that Jeff Clark's fortune cookie must say, "Beware of tall, raven-haired women in black cocktail dresses."

[CandleLighter]

I think he would have served fish sticks and hamburger patties

[Tanis]

How about a sack of chips and a can of pork and beans.
Paper plates etc.

Tanis

[Julian]

If this was a true candlelight supper ala Hyacinth BOOKAY, there would have to be some musical highlights afterwards.  Perhaps Barnabas accompanied Julia on the piano as she sang a few select pieces.

[Dr. Eric Lang]

Hey gang,

It's too bad that we didn't get to see what epicurean feast "Chef" Willie Loomis prepared for Barnabas' guests the other night at the Old House.  I'm sure you'll agree with me that it was a candlelight supper that that renowned British hostess, Mrs. Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced "Bouquet"), would glowingly approve of.

I agree with Julian - if this had been a true Bucket affair, Willie would have been obliged to throw together a Bon Vivante Buffet w/al fresco monchetes. Either that or a waterside supper with riparian entertainments provided by the nearby sea.

The first course of Willie's feast would be Chef-Boy-Ardee Raviolis from a can.  (Yummy!)

I was once taken to a "famous" Italian restaurant where people were lined up around the block to get in. I was shocked to find that their sauce tasted exactly like Chef Boyardee's. And I've eaten enough Chef Boyardee in my life to recognize it. What some people won't buy!

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Julian,

That's a great idea about some accompanying musical entertainment at Barnabas' candlelight supper.  It's too bad that Roger was not invited to the soiree.  Heck, he could have wowed them with some songs from his "Nobody Loves Langley" CD, I mean, LP album.

Dr. Eric Lang,

You're right on with your suggestion of riparian entertainment.  Perhaps Barnabas could have held the waterside supper from on top of Widow's Hill.  Barnabas could have regaled everyone with tales about how Josette, Bill Malloy and Adam all bungee-jumped from the precipice without the aid of a safety rope.  Geronimo!!!  

[Gerard]

The scene from "Mrs. Doubtfire", wherein Robin Williams is at his first attempt at cooking a "gourmet" meal, and sets his "additionals" on fire, comes to mind when I think of Willie trying to cook, especially in a kitchen which obviously used a wood-burning stove.

When Barnabas had abducted Maggie and tried to wine-and-dine her in the drawing room, I could just see it.  There's Barnabas, sitting across from her, telling her to keep repeating her name:  "Josette.  Josette."  Maggie, trance-like, does it accordingly.  Finally, Willie walks in, covered with soot, his hair still smoldering, and he plops two plates down with peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches on them.  Barnabas gives him a you're-going-to-die-Willie look, but quickly backs off when he sees Willie's expression, made all the more pertinent when Willie intones:  "Don't even say a damn word and be grateful you got at least this,", and walks out.

Gerard

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Gerard,

Do you think that ol' Willie could at least fix Barnabas up a hot toddy, just the way Ben Stokes used to make one for Mr. Barnabas?

Bob the Bartender, who wistfully reflects, if the baseball players go on strike on Aug. 30, we're going to have a lot more time to contemplate the culinary talents (or lack of them) of one Mr. William Hollingshead Loomis.