For Nicholas Blair: "Always wear your sporty hat (fastened with a strong pin) when standing at the top of Widow's Hill."
For Collinsport Inn Manager Mr. Wells: "Take that other job at Motel6, IMMEDIATELY!"
For Professor Stokes: "Refrain from acting as an academic mentor for comely, dark-haired graduate students with a devilish gleam in their pretty eyes."
For Roger Collins: "Next time you want to find a life companion, try the over forty singles dinner dance at the local Christian Science Reading Room."
For Paul Stoddard: "Next time you want to blow off some steam, try getting wasted at the Kit Kat Lounge in Rockport, rather than at the Blue Whale in Collinsport."
For bartender Bob Rooney: "To avoid the inevitable Friday night brawls in your tavern, try serving O'Douls, Sharp, Cutter, Claustholler, etc. along with the rest of the rot-gut that you offer in your establishment."
For Sheriff Paterson: "Even though you live in cloudy and chilly Maine, never forget to slap that Coppertone SPF 55 on the top of your head before you go out on patrol."
For Joe Haskell: "Consider a career as a Maine state trooper. It's infinitely safer than working as a fisherman at the Collins Cannery."
For Eve: "If you'd like to blend a bit more with the local female folk of Collinsport, try ordering some matronly clothing items from either the L.L. Bean Catalog or the Lady Brooks Brothers Catalog."
For Carolyn Stoddard: "Why don't you try meeting some nice young man in Prof. Stokes' class on satanic cults in America."
