Mr. Willie Loomis Mets Mrs. Cassandra Collins

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Dear Fellow Dark Shadows Fans,

You know, when I first saw yesterday's episodes air many years ago as a young and callow fellow (if I might borrow a phrase from The Fantasticks), I merely thought that friend Willie Loomis was just anxious to deliver Barnabas' note to Liz and to get the heck out of Collinwood.

However, in watching these same episodes as a somewhat older, hard-bitten individual, I have a new perspective on them.

When Cassandra Collins (dressed seductively in that striking floral print dress, a creation, no doubt by that world famous designer, Orville of Walmart's) met Willie at the door and invited him, saying that "she was all alone and wanted to talk to him in the drawing room," I think that old Willie must have thought that he was about to hit a "home run," and, in fact, that he could take his time as he "rounded all the bases."

Did you notice how quickly (and, almost instinctively) Willie crossed his legs as he sat across from Cassandra in the drawing room?  The poor fellow evidently wanted to maintain "control' over himself as he looked upon the desirable Mrs. Roger Collins.  (Boy, can you imagine the commotion that would have broken out if the intensely jealous Roger had shown up right at that exact moment?)

I'll tell you, that I was glad that Willie heard Mrs. Stoddard's car coming up the driveway when he did.  However, when Willie turned from the window, I almost expected the comely Mrs. Collins to say to him: "Why, Willie, I didn't know that you were THAT happy to meet me?"

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who will now say three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers, and an Act of Contrition for having been so boorish as to besmirch one perfectly innocent scene on Dark Shadows.

[Raineypark]

You incorrigible man.....how dare you imply that poor Willie was...ahem...."responding" to Mrs. Collins' charms?

If you'd paid more careful attention, you would have observed that the poor man's pants were so tight   he couldn't have "responded"  if he'd actively TRIED!!

Which begs the question....was John Karlen's return so sudden and unexpected.....("I'm baaaaaack!") that Wardrobe didn't have time to find a pair of black pants in his size?

Personally, I think it took an incredible act of courage to sit down (however awkwardly) in that scene at all!!

Rainey....who will politely ignore all snide comments about what aspect of the show SHE was watching carefully.

[Cassandra]

I'll tell you one thing though, The way Cassandra was "eyeing" that envelope, I was so glad when Willie FINALLY put it into his shirt pocket.     Both my parents love & watch the show. My dad, who is 80,  started clapping away when Willie did that!  

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Dear Raineypark,

You're right, upon second viewing of that specific episode, I'm surprised that those tight pants did not completely cut off poor Willie's circulation.

Of course, I think that we all have to remember that ol' Willie has been cooped up in that hospital for several months now.  And, judging by Willie's amazing recuperative powers, he is a remarkably healthy young man with all of the strength, stamina and virility of a man in his prime.  

Come to think of it, you know how former Sen. Bob Dole (Mr. "E.D.") and Texas Ranger first baseman Rafael Palmiero have done commercials extolling the "efficacy" of Viagra?  Well, wouldn't it have been cool to have seen the great Dr. Eric Lang do a commercial attesting to the potency of that product?  ("I even give it to my man-made creation, Adam!")

Maybe the Dark Shadows creators could have had Ezra Braithewaite and the Eagle Hill Cemetery caretaker both do PSA's, declaring how much better their social lives have become since Dr. Hoffman wrote them prescriptions for the "new, blue wonder pill"?

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who can't wait to see the Viagra commercial aired during Dark Shadows' timeslot on the Sci-Fi Channel.

[franimal]

Hello all!

I've been lurking, reading & giggling for a while now - I'm a long time DS fan.  But now you've gone and made me laugh out loud right in the office - so I just have to respond!! bwahahaha!  

You guys are great!  And you've made my day!

c'ya!

Franimal

[ROBINV]

My, my, my, Willie's tight pants and where on EARTH are you people looking?  For shame!  What would Sarah Johnson say?  

I wonder what Willie would say if he knew that his master, Barnabas, was once married to the dark-haired vixen?  Would the thought of sloppy seconds appeal?  

Oh, now *I* am going to have to discipline myself, and I have no idea what the Jewish equivalent to Bob's three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers, and an Act of Contrition would be!

Honestly, people, let's get our minds out of the gutters!

Love, Robin, thinking that on second thought, the gutter can be a mighty fun place to hang out!

[jennifer]

My, my, my, Willie's tight pants and where on EARTH are you people looking?  For shame!  What would Sarah Johnson say?  

I wonder what Willie would say if he knew that his master, Barnabas, was once married to the dark-haired vixen?  Would the thought of sloppy seconds appeal?  

Oh, now *I* am going to have to discipline myself, and I have no idea what the Jewish equivalent to Bob's three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers, and an Act of Contrition would be!

Honestly, people, let's get our minds out of the gutters!

Love, Robin, thinking that on second thought, the gutter can be a mighty fun place to hang out!

Heehee
we seem to have a thing about tight pants or trousers around here! But i missed that episode and forgot to tape it Boohoo! have to wait and see if he wears them again!

jennifer

[Raineypark]

Oh, I have a feeling you'll see them again, Jennifer.  Would Dan Curtis send a wardrobe assistant all the way to Orbachs just for one new pair of pants...especially if the actor was still managing to get himself into the old ones?!!  

I wonder....will Ringo Collins be displeased that we're discussing pants without him?  

Rainey

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Dear RobinV,

Concerning your comment that its's lot a fun to hang out in the gutter, I'm reminded of my high school history teacher, Brother Kevin Dominic, who was wont to say, "From your lips to God's ears!"

Sincerely.

Bob the Bartender, just another confused Catholic kid, who, when we got to the commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," just could not understand why Sister Cordes told all of us, "That particular commandment does not apply to you, children." (I wonder if it still does not apply to us?)

[Luciaphile]

Note to self:

Never, ever, read one of Bob's posts while drinking hot tea.

Luciaphil (who is still cleaning her keyboard ;-) )

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Dear Luciaphil,

Please don't sue me!  I want to limit (if not, completely remove) any possible liability on my account.  I tried to write these posts as a reasonably prudent (if not, completely mature) man would do.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who pleads nolo contendere!  

[Ben]

Please don't sue me!  I want to limit (if not, completely remove) any possible liability on my account.  I tried to write these posts as a reasonably prudent (if not, completely mature) man would do.

Hey Bob, in order to limit or eliminate potential liability, I would post appropriate warnings preceding your commentary, such as, "Warning!  Do not read this post while drinking hot beverages, cold beverages, eating, lighting matches, driving, or operating heavy machinery."  

Ben
(always happy to dispense friendly, helpful legal advice to the reasonably prudent man)

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Dear Conselor,

Thank you for your most excellent and perspicacious legal advice.  I will remember your admonition before expressing future thoughts on the Dark Shadows universe.

You know, the members of the Collins family (Roger and Barnabas, for example) might want to limit or eliminate any potential liability to Sam and Maggie Evans (not to mention Maggie's main squeeze, Joe Haskell) by stating:

"Warning! Do not have any intercourse with the members of the Collins family (social or otherwise), especially when it entails painting and/or defacing  portraits, visiting old houses on the grounds of Collinwood, or making the acquaintance of any of the ex-wives of the Collins men!

Sincerely,

Bob the Bobtender, Guardian Ad Litem for "Baby" Adam.

[Luciaphile]

Dear Luciaphil,

Please don't sue me!  I want to limit (if not, completely remove) any possible liability on my account.  I tried to write these posts as a reasonably prudent (if not, completely mature) man would do.

Sincerely,

Bob the Bartender, who pleads nolo contendere!  

LOL, not a problem, Bob.  I'm having enough trouble in my life without needing to resort to legal remedies  You keep on with the posts, I just will keep the beverages far away from the computer

Luciaphil