Raineypark,

Concerning your comment/complaint on the exorbitant cost of going to the movies, I hear you!  The last time that I saw a film at a movie theater was probably back in 1993, when William Jefferson Clinton became president of these United States.  So, as the 42nd President is wont to say: "I feel your pain."

Bob the Bartender, faithful Sony Beta-Max recorder user.

Hey Raineypark,

When you consider that in their lawsuit against that tabloid magazine for publishing unauthorized (read: unpaid for) photographs of their wedding, perhaps, Ms. Catherine Zeta-Jones, who said in court that $800,000 was NOt a lot of money to her and her seemingly ageless hubby, Michael Douglas (who also called the same amount, a "pittance"), will gladly refund the cost of your tickets to see "Chicago."  But, don't bet on it!

Bob the Bartender, who misses seeing a real actor like Joe "Willie" Namath emoting in "C.C. Rider" with the vivacious Ann Margaret.  A true cinematic masterpiece!     

Hey gang,

When I first saw Count Petofi pull off the old "switcheroo" with Quentin way back in 1969, I really could not relate to Quentin's predicament.

Nevertheless, with the passage of nearly thirty-four years, I now have a different "perspective" on Quentin's superannuated state.  Here, then, are ten change of life "adjustments," that Quentin is likely to experience:

-1-  You no longer order those  sleek and stylish gabardine trousers from the Lands' End  catalog, rather you now opt for a pair of those infinitely more practical (not to mention comfortable) polyester slacks with the s-t-r-e-t-c-h elastic waist from the Haband catalog.

-2-  You can now fully relate to the pithy words of former Sen. Bob Dole, who decared in that memorable commercial: "It takes courage to talk about E.D."

-3-  Instead of looking forward to receiving the next issue of Playboy Magazine in the mail, you now look forward to receiving the next issue of the AARP Modern Maturity Magazine in the mail.

-4-  While you used to take great joy in bounding up and down that long, steep staircase in the foyer of the great house of Collinwood (with much elan, I might add!), you now give serious consideration to installing one of those extremely helpful electric stair-lifts in the Collinwood foyer.

-5-  Now that you are sporting Count Petofi's long, flowing beard and will, no doubt, have to periodically trim those bushy whiskers, you will now also have to periodically trim all of those copious hairs, sprouting out of your one-hundred-and-fifty year old ears.  (You might want to buy one of those Sharper Image Turbo-Groomer Nose and Ear Trimmers.  They really work great!)

-6-  Instead of remembering to splash on some Grey Flannel Cologne before leaving for a fun-filled evening at the Blue Whale Tavern, you now strive to remember to take your daily dose of Metamucil, before sauntering off to the checkers tournament at the Collinsport "Young At Heart" Senior Citizens Club.

-7-  If you happen to "overdo" it with too many glasses of iced tea, you will now understand what former Vice President Al Gore was talking about, when, he spoke of taking frequent "bathroom breaks" during a prolonged White House meeting.

-8-  Instead of packing for a wild and crazy trip of uninhibited, bacchanalian excess at the Sandals Resort and Spa at Negril Beach in Jamaica, you now look forward to packing for an Elder Hostel-sponsored trip to Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland, to study the works of Joyce, Shaw and Wilde.

-9-  While you used to enjoy a late-night snifter of brandy, as you listened to the evocative sounds of "Shadows Of The Night" on your grammophone player, you now enjoy a late-night glass of prune juice, as you listen to the melancholy sound of Frank Sinatra crooning "It Was A Very Good Year."

-10-  When you take that increasingly longer siesta every afternoon, you will now take a nap just like the type that President Ronald Reagan used to enjoy in the Oval Office of the White House (specifically, a nap taken alone, and, most definitely, by yourself), and NOT the kind of "communal" nap, that other presidents have been rumored to have enjoyed in the Oval Office of the White House!

Can you think of any other change of life "adjustments," that Quentin is apt to experience in his new/old body?

Bob the Bartender, who thinks, that many of the celebrities at last night's Academy Awards telecast, are, no doubt, experiencing their own change of life "adjustments."

 

Dear Patti,

That was yours truly, Bob the Bartender, who commented on Halle Berry's shameless "kvelling" during her introduction of the wonderful and lovely Diahnn Carroll.  (The award wasn't about you, Ms. Berry, it was intended to honor Ms. Carroll.)

Did you notice that Academy Award winner Kathy Bates and Academy Award winner Mira Sorvino were so low-keyed in their gracious introductions for, respectively, Rob Reiner and Sally Struthers of "All in the Family," and William Shatner and the cast of "Star Trek"? (No crowing from either Ms. Bates or Ms. Sorvino about their own Academy Awards.)

Similarly, Emmy Award winner Ted Danson was also very gracious and understated in his introduction of Dick Van Dyke, Mary Tyler Moore and company, of "The Dick Van Dyke Show."  Ms. Bates, Ms. Sorvino and Mr. Danson quickly stepped aside as all of the actors to be honored came up on the stage.  (No ego at all, from these three extremely talented actors.)

Unfortunately, Ms. Berry stood right up there with Ms. Carroll, soaking up the applause and admiration intended only for this greatly respected, groundbreaking television actress.

You know, Dark Shadows' only actor to appear on the awards program was the venerable Conrad Bain (the beloved Mr. Wells, night manager/desk clerk of the Collinsport Inn).  Mr. Bain presented an award with his co-stars from "Different Stokes," Todd Bridges and Mr. Gary Coleman.  The three actors did a bit where they faked throwing three cream pies at one another.  I tell you, I almost wished one of those men had tossed a pie at Ms. Halle Berry, to get her off the stage during Diahnn Carroll's moment of honor!

Bob the Bartender, aspiring grumpy old man.

Dear Miss Winthrop,

Oh yeah, I agree that George Hamilton is a very, funny almost self-deprecating kind of guy.  He was terrific as that somewhat preening, narcissistic vampire (sort, of like Nicholas Blair as a creature of the night).

I don't mean to get heavy about the impending US military action in Iraq, but I remember that Mr. Hamilton once requested that he get a deferment from military service during the Vietnam War on some grounds.  Anyway, I recall that Mad Magazine printed a gag letter from the local draft board to Mr. Hamilton in response to his request, essentially stating:

Dear Mr. Hamilton:

We have reviewed your request for a deferment from the draft due to your prior "service" in the Army.  Regretably, we must turn you down.  Your appearance as an infantry soldier in the 1963 movie, "The Longest Day," does NOT qualify as prior military "service."

Sincerely,

Your local draft board

You know, I don't know if Mad Magazine ever parodied Dark Shadows, but I'm sure that it would have been funny as all heck if they ever did!

Bob the Bartender, fortunate recipient of a relatively high draft number.

Hey gang,

That was some engrossing scene today when Lady Kitty awoke from her vivid dream to find those flowers and that book, The Love Sonnets of Robert Burns, on her night table (notwithstanding that pesky and seemingly omnipresent Dark Shadows Fly!).

However, I wonder what Lady Kitty's reaction would have been if she had awakened to find any of these other tomes on night table?:

Ectasy and Me - The autobiography of the late, sultry screen goddess, Hedy Lamarr.

Ball Four - The irreverent recollections of baseball pitcher Jim Bouton's tenure with the expansion (and now defunct) Seattle Pilots of the American League.

Tall, Dark and Gruesome - The autobiography of actor Christopher Lee, arguably the most terrifying Dracula ever to bare his fangs on the silver screen.

Fear of Flying - Author Erica Jong's novel, chronicling a woman's lifelong search for "liberation."

Yet, perhaps this following self-help book might prove to be the most inspiring and encouraging book for Lady Kitty Hampshire:

The Gold Diggers Guide to Landing a Spouse with Mucho Dinero - by Catherine Zebra-Johns and Michael Dowd, with a Foreword by Kathie Lee-Me .

Ms. Zebra-Johns and her apparently ageless, Dorian Graylike husband, Mr. Dowd, will explain, in detail, all of the subtle and artful techniques needed to attract that prospective, wealthy mate.

Kathie Lee-Me will lend her expertise on how a woman of a "certain" age can still successfully play the coquette, in order to reel in an "older" and very affluent man.

A subsequent chapter details how a successful gold digger, once married, can make a killing by negotiating a lucrative, albeit tacky deal, with a tabloid, to publish exclusive photographs of one's wedding day.

The book concludes with a section on how to maintain that gorgeous gold digger look with an informative discussion of the efficacy of Botox and Collagen injections, the desirabliity of maintaining an attractive, but still healthy tan (a la  Mr. George Hamilton's tawny tan), and, when it's time to finally go under the plastic surgeon's knife.

I just have an intuitive feeling that a self-help book like this might prove to be of enormous benefit to an aspiring gold digger such as Lady Kitty of Hampshire (formerly, no doubt, Ms. Kitty Kowalski of Pottstown, PA).  Hey, it couldn't hurt!

Can you think of any other books that may pique the interest of this former expatriate American "cultivator" of the English aristocracy?

Bob the Bartender, aspiring social climber and parvenu wannabe.

Anne,

As a result of this 1897 storyline, I find that I'm particularly interested in the ancient Chinese practice/discipline of the I Ching.  In fact, whenever I'm in Barnes & Noble, I always peruse the New Age section, looking for books on the I Ching.  (You never know, the lovely Amanda Harris might be standing there, checking out the paranormal titles!)

Of course, we all know that the 49th Hexagram, the hexagram of change, is frequently "selected," whenever a Dark Shadows character tosses those I Ching wands onto the table.  (You know, something does not seem kosher, what with the 49th Hexagram seemingly always turning up.  Maybe the Amazing Randi or the late Jimmy the Greek could have unearthed the apparent scam behind that particular hexagram?)

In any event, I once suggested that the 39th Hexagram, might, in fact, be the hexagram of indigestion (or the hexagram of "agita").  However, our very insightful and witty, friend and colleague, Gerard, speculated that, I believe, the 59th Hexagram was the hexagram of constipation.  (You know, I think that I like that hexagram the most!)

Can anyone speculate on any of the other many hexagrams that, apparently, no Dark Shadows character ever "selected" when they tossed those I Ching wands onto the table?

Bob the Bartender

PS After watching last night's TV Land's Award program, I'm inclined to believe that actress Halle Berry, who presented the Groundbreaking Award to the wonderful (and, most deserving) Diahnn Carroll, must have, at some point, tossed the I Ching wands herself, selecting the 19th Hexagram, specifically, the hexagram of unremitting narcissism!