The 2013 L.L. Bean Christmas Catalog a la Collinsport, Maine!

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Hey, gang,

Well, we've reached that joyous time of year when we're all feverishly searching for that perfect Christmas and/or Hanukkah gift for those special people in our lives.

No doubt, many of us have already braved the throngs of fellow eager Yuletide shoppers at malls across America on Black Friday.  (By the way, do you think that Maggie, Willie, Carolyn and Quentin, among others, got an early headstart and were in Brewster's Department Store shopping for bargains at around 11:00 pm on Thanksgiving Day?  Perhaps except for ol' Willie, I think not.)  

I wonder if the residents of Collinsport were also making use of the super information highway to purchase gifts for the holiday season? Heck, I love using the internet and store catalogs to spare myself the drudgery and annoyance of schlepping from store to store, in search of that "perfect" gift.

So, what better place to look for Christmas gifts but in the catalog of the world famous store which has been based for over one hundred years in the home state of our favorite Gothic soap opera, the one-and-only L.L. Bean Company of Freeport, Maine!

To illustrate their excellent line of clothes and other outdoor items in their catalog, L.L. Bean has such wonderful photographs taken in the spectacularly beautiful state of Maine, a/k/a Vacation Land, USA!  (Incidentally, I wonder if all of the beautiful women and handsome men, who are seen as models in those great shots, are really all residents of Maine? But I digress.)     

So, in perusing this year's Christmas catalog, I wondered what it would look like if the real life residents of Collinsport were used as actual Maine models in the publication at various scenic sites in and around the great house of Collinwood?  Since I know that most (if not all) of you have the catalog at home for reference, here are a few thoughts I came up with:

Page 154 - The L.L. Bean Ultralight Down Outerwear  (warmest to -30 degrees) - In this photograph, we see a beautiful, fair-haired young woman, who is shown walking thoughtfully through a field as a gentle snow falls all around her.  Now, couldn't this be Carolyn Stoddard, taking one of her long walks through the woods on the way to Widow's Hill, to think things out and determine if she'll ever find the right man in her life? ( Will it be Tony Pertersen, Adam, Chris Jennings of Jeb Hawks?  You make the call on that one!)   

Page 98 - The L.L. Bean 850 Down Jacket (warmer to -25 degrees) - On a much happier note, we see an attractive couple, attired in lightweight down outerwear, and enjoying a sunny day in a Maine field.  Couldn't this comely couple be Maggie and Joe, out searching for just the perfect Christmas tree to put next to the large Bay window in the Evans cottage?

Page 109 - The L.L. Bean Kids'  3-in-1 Parka (warmer to -5 degrees) -  How about the youngest Collisport generation, represented by the always precocious David Collins and his good pal/accomplice Amy Jennings, attired in these verstile jackets with accompanying fleece hats, cavorting in the snow, and deciding just who will be the next adult to play "the game" with them in Collinwood?

Page 150 - The world-renowned L.L. Winter Boots for Ladies - Couldn't you envision Collinwood housekeper and acclaimed new England cook, Mrs. Sarah Johnson, trudging through the snowy, wet, and invariably muddy grounds of the Collinwood estate, as sees to the needs of all the occupants of the great house itself?  (Although, this notoriously frugal and lifelong Collinsort resident might justifiably balk at the cost of a pair of 8" felt boots at $129 a pair!) 

Page 31 - L.L. Bean's 1912 Corduroys - The casual good looks of these popular corduroys are available in six vibrant colors.   I can just see either the venerable Ezra Braithwaite or the almost equally venerable Eagle Hill Cemetery caretaker, slylin' down Main Street in Collinsport in a pair of these sharp looking cords.  By the way, how old do you think Mr. Braithwairte was in 1912 when L.L. Bean first came out with these pants?  In any event, as they say in Maine, Messrs. Braithwaite and the unnamed Eagle Hill Cemetery caretaker would look "wicked good" in these corduroys, especially in the Deepest Red ones, imo.  

Page 173 - The L.L Bean Tartan Flannel Sleepwear - In the photograph displaying these stylish ladies' pajamas, we see an extremely beautiful, blond woman, sitting happily by a Christmas tree.  Maybe I'm just an unrealistic romantic, but I can imagine that gorgeous woman being Angelique, attired in her Royal Stewart Victoria jammies, as she sits by the Christmas tree in the Old House drawing room with a fire burning in the fireplace on Christmas morning, and waiting for her beloved husband, Barnabas, to join her on this holiest and happiest of days!        (Do you think that his amorous couple will even need a piece of mistletoe, hanging from the drawing room chandelier?)
 

Page 14 - The L.L. Bean Scotch Plaid Shirt (The official shirt of Christmas) - What better model for L.L. Bean's trademark winter shirt than Mr. Bob Rooney, Blue Whale bartender extraodinaire, wearing one of his trademark flannel shirts, while mixing drinks for all of the joyous Collinsport Christmas revellers in Collinsport's classiest watering hole?     (I, for one, think that Bob would look especially sartorially splendid in Bean's Grey Stewart flannel shirt.)
 

Page 77 - The L.L. Bean Double-Layer Thermal Underwear - These longtime L.L. Bean favorites feature two layers of cotton and merino wool to keep one warm on even the coldest of Maine winter nights.  Although, there is no model in the photograph for these ultra-warm undies, I can almost see the eminent Prof. T. Elliot Stokes in the photo, chilling out in a pair of the full body Union Suit thermals (preferably the bright Christmas red ones) as he sits at his desk in his living room, enjoying some sherry and cheese, and working on his latest monograph, a discussion of the accuracy of the depiction of supernatural entities in author and favorite Maine homestate boy, Stephen King.

Are there any other Dark Shadows characters, whom you'd like to see as a model in L.L. Bean's Christmas catalog?

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and perhaps even Bah Humbug,
 

Bob

     

[Uncle Roger]

Hey, Bob, can't you just picture Sam Evans, Burke Devlin or maybe even Roger making a  drunken trip to the LLC Bean headquarters in Freeport and trying to fish in the indoor trout pond?

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Hey, Bob, can't you just picture Sam Evans, Burke Devlin or maybe even Roger making a  drunken trip to the LLC Bean headquarters in Freeport and trying to fish in the indoor trout pond?

Uncle Roger, 

Wow, that would be some scene if those three prominent Collinsport residents were photographed by some newspaper reporter, who just happened to be in the L.L. Bean flagship store on that same day!  (Hey, do you think that a playfully devilish Burke might try to throw Roger in the trout pond?)  

And, can you imagine the scandal in Collinsport, when that trio's photograph was printed on page one of  "The Collisport Star"?  Mrs. Stoddard would be absolutely appalled!

Bob

[Uncle Roger]

Yes, I can certainty picture Burke "playfully" pushing Roger into the pond. And, as Roger emerged with his Botany 500 suit soaking wet, no doubt that Burke would say that he thought there were piranhas in the pond, not trout .

[Gerard]

It would be so difficult to buy Christmas gifts for the residents of Collinsport.  It's all in the timing.  Remember, they'd be wearing those down-filled things in July and in post-holiday January, they'd be running around in sleeveless things with no coats whatsoever.  I'm thinking most of what was purchased seasonally ended up in closets, the attic, the cellar, secret passages or even trucked off to Goodwill.

And while we're on it, I'm reminded of a scene from The Simpsons, when they're out Christmas shopping.  They're going to one of those huge mega-stores parodied by the show (I believe it was called "Sprawlmart").  The sign at the entrance read:  "Christmas Presents at Hanukkah Prices."  I never laughed so hard.

Gerard

[Bob_the_Bartender]

Yes, I can certainty picture Burke "playfully" pushing Roger into the pond. And, as Roger emerged with his Botany 500 suit soaking wet, no doubt that Burke would say that he thought there were piranhas in the pond, not trout .

Uncle Roger, 

And if Carolyn Stoddard just happened to be present when Burke dumped her Uncle Roger into that pond, do you think that, as a loyal member of the Collins family, Carolyn would express immediate and vociferous outrage with Burke's prank, or would Carolyn, still apparently smitten with the macho man Burke Devlin, have had to cover her mouth and attempt vainly to prevent her uncle from seeing her laughing out loud at his wet predicament?    

Incidentally, I wonder if the people of Maine ever honored the fictional character of Barnabas Collins as a favorite homestate son?  The reason I mention this was while watching a NY Met/Milwaukee Brewer game last summer from Milwaukee on television, Met announcer (and former big league first baseman) Keith Hernandez posed the question, "Hey, where's 'The Fonz,'?" as the TV camera panned the crowd in the Brewers' home stadium.  About an inning later, the Met announcers all laughed when a statue of actor Henry Winkler, in his Arthur Fonzarelli leather motorcycle attire, was shown apparently down by the Milwaukee waterfront,with Mr. Winkler/The Fonz flashing his trademark thumbs-up gesture, and, no doubt, saying "Ehhh!"

You would think that the fictional character of Barnabas Collins, being another one of American television's iconic figures, and probably also the state of Maine's greatest fictional character of all time, would merit a statue in his honor as well?  I can just see that statue of Barnabas, attired in his trademark Inverness coat and holding his trademark wolf's head cane, while staring out pensively out across Casco Bay, waiting for his beloved Josette to return to him once more.  

Heck, the city of Chicago honored its native son, the great Bob Newhart with a statue of him (as the inimitable  psychologist, Dr. Bob Hartley) sitting down and glancing through some papers in his brief case right in the middle of the Windy City.   And, in Paterson, New Jersey, the birthplace of the late, great Lou Costello, Paterson honored its most famous native son with a statue of Mr. Costello, attired in that baggy suit he wore so often, and also wearing that trademark derby of his, right there in beautiful Paterson.  So, I hope that the state of Maine, if it hasn't done so already, will honor the legacy of its most famous fictional native son, Mr. Barnabas Collins, with a statue in his great honor! 

Bob 

PS In the first posting of this thread, I meant to say that Prof. Stokes was working on his latest monograph, a discussion of the accuracy of the depiction of supernatural entities in author and favorite Maine homestate boy Stephen King's novels.   (Please forgive my Ezra Braithwaite "moment (at the end of that particular posting.)