Five nights ago, I had a vaguely erotic dream about Dr. Julia Hoffman.

What does it mean? I don't understand...

Anyone else have dreams about DS characters...?

INT/OLD HOUSE-NIGHT

(BARNABAS COLLINS is immaculate despite the look of grave concern etched across his face; he jumps out of his wingback chair when WILLIE LOOMIS runs inside breathlessly.)

WILLIE: Bahnabas! You gotta listen to me, Bahnabas! He's out there!

BARNABAS: What is it, Willie? Who's out there?

WILLIE (pointing at the front window): H-H-H-H-Him!!

(TOM JENNINGS is spread across the windows, his nose pressed against the glass.)

TOM: Julia!! Juull-ii-aaaa!!

BARNABAS (gesturing dramatically): Get away from this house, you undead handyman!!

TOM (runs into the night, howling): Julll-iii-aaa!!

WILLIE: What're we gonna do, Bahnabas?!

(DR. JULIA HOFFMAN runs downstairs, an eager boy crazy schoolgirl look in her eyes.)

JULIA: Barnabas, was that Tom I heard? He got us tickets to see the Monkees in Bangor!

BARNABAS (infuriatated): The Monkees?! (clenching his fists as he stares into space) Then Tom Jennings must be destroyed! Tonight!

JULIA: Oh, Barnabas! You can be so cruel!

(Julia bursts into tears and runs upstairs.)

WILLIE: She's right, Bahnabas...she's right about you being jealous.

BARNABAS (wistfully staring into space): Of course she is, Willie. How can I not feel something for Julia Hoffman? From the first time I grabbed her by the throat and threatened to kill her, I knew we would be friends. Dear, dear friends. Dear, dear platonic friends...

(Suddenly a DISEMBODIED VOICE shouts out--)

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Steve!!

WILLIE (frightened): W-W-W-W-W-What was that?!

BARNABAS: What are you talking about, Willie?

WILLIE: You didn't hear that?!

BARNABAS: Stop being hysterical, Willie. Now go fetch me a stake.

WILLIE: W-W-W-W-W-What're you gonna do, B-B-B-Bahnabas?!

BARNABAS (with grim determination): I'm going to make Tom Jennings into a daydream believer. And quite possibly a homecoming queen.

FADE TO:

INT/TOM JENNINGS' CRYPT-NIGHT

(Barnabas cautiously creeps inside the crypt, his bangs glistening perfection; Willie slinks behind him, acting as a stake caddy.)

WILLIE: So this is where Tom Jennings spends his days now...

BARNABAS: Yes, but look at the shoddy craftsmanship of his coffin. Sarah's pet rabbit died and we had a nicer coffin. That Joe Haskell is one cheapskate son of a--

WILLIE: Bahnabas! Look out!

(Barnabas turns dramatically and sees Tom Jennings enter the crypt, ready for an old-school Collinsport throwdown. Willie shoves the stakes at Barnabas and runs to the door.)

BARNABAS: Willie! Where are you going?!

WILLIE: Over to Maggie Evans'. I'm gonna stalk around in the bushes for a while before dawn. (to Tom): So long, bloodsuckah!

(Willie runs off into the darkness.)

BARNABAS: I've been too easy on Willie lately. He's been whiny ever since I made him dig up those graves...

TOM: Julia! Julli-iii-iiaaaa!!

BARNABAS (clutching a stake): You will never speak her name again, Jennings. Nor will you swoon over Davy Jones!

(A ROOSTER is heard in the distance: "Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!")

BARNABAS: The cock crows for you, Tom Jennings. And I have booked you passage on the last train to Stakesville!

(Barnabas lunges at Tom, who knocks away the stake; they go for each other's throats savagely, both locked in a death grip.)

BARNABAS: Boorish gigolo!

TOM: Histrionic fop!

(Rage burns in Barnabas' eyes as he tightens his grip on Tom's throat. Barnabas slips a stake out of his suit pocket and raises it high above his head...)

CUT TO:

INT/OLD HOUSE-DAWN

(Barnabas is worn and weary as he makes his way through the front door; he is annoyed to see ADAM making himself at home, playing solitaire.)

ADAM: Hello, Barnabas...

BARNABAS: For God's sake, Adam...what do you want from me now?! A pony?!

ADAM: It is a mate that I want from you, Barnabas...but a pony would be nice...

BARNABAS (annoyed): Well, you can have one or the other, Adam. A mate or a pony.

ADAM: But Adam want both!

BARNABAS: I don't think so, Adam. It is time that I set boundaries with you. Your behavior as of late has been completely unacceptable.

(Adam slumps and pouts.)

BARNABAS: Now you go back to the place where Carolyn hides you and think about what you've done, young man.

ADAM (walks toward the door): Yes, Barnabas...

BARNABAS: And no killing Vicki Winters!

ADAM (pouting): Okay.

(Adam slips out the door as Julia comes downstairs.)

BARNABAS: Julia...I trust you're feeling better.

JULIA: Yes...yes, I am. But we have another problem, Barnabas...

BARNABAS: What now?!

JULIA: Elizabeth is upstairs...

BARNABAS: Oh, is she still on that "Roger-plans-to-bury-me-alive" kick?

JULIA: I...I-I...I'm afraid so...

BARNABAS (turns away, stares into space): Oh, Julia...the summer of 1968 was supposed to be such a blessed time for me.

JULIA: I...I-I...I know, Barnabas...

BARNABAS: I'm cured of my affliction now. This summer was supposed to be all about me. This was to be...(dramatic pause)...the Summer of Barnabas. But it is not to be...

(Barnabas grabs his wolf's head cane and heads for the door.)

JULIA: Where are you going, Barnabas?

BARNABAS: Out to find Willie and beat him into a coma.

(Julia beams as Barnabas exits.)

JULIA: God, how I love that man!!

END...

INT/OLD HOUSE-DAY (yes, I said "day"!)

(BARNABAS COLLINS sits in his wingback chair, looking immaculate yet worried.  DR. JULIA HOFFMAN barges in like she owns the place.)

BARNABAS: Julia, you're out of Collinwood early this morning.

JULIA: Roger was having brandy with his Eggs Benedict, so I snuck out.  Have you been up all night?

BARNABAS: Yes. Adam came by again last night. With an ultimatum.

JULIA: Oh, is he still harping on that "I-want-a-mate" crap?!

BARNABAS: Yes, but now he has leverage. He's holding Vicki as his prisoner.

JULIA: So now, of course, you want to go traipsing through the cemetary, digging up parts of women to make him a significant other.

BARNABAS: Yes, I do. Julia, I'm aware of your jealousy toward Vicki--

JULIA: Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! "I don't understand". "I took a strange and frightening journey through space and time, back to the year 1795..." The girl's a basket case.

BARNABAS: But, Julia...surely you realize--

JULIA: I realize I couldn't come in here in the middle of the night buck naked with a bottle of Drambuie and make you notice me!

BARNABAS: Julia! When you speak in such a manner, it makes me wish I was still bricked up in that wall downstairs.

JULIA: It's always something with you, isn't it, Barnabas? "Julia, cure me of my affliction so I can stalk Maggie Evans!" "Julia, save me from Angelique and the frickin' Dream Curse!" "Julia, while you're in town, please drop off my Inverness cape at the cleaners!"

(Before Barnabas can reply, there is a knock at the door; Barnabas answers it, annoyed to see JEFF CLARK.)

BARNABAS: Clark! I'm in no mood for a real estate seminar...

JEFF: I'm not here about that. I'm here to speak to you about Adam.

BARNABAS: Adam?

JULIA: Adam West? TV's "Batman"?

JEFF: This Adam only goes by one name.

JULIA: Oh, like Lulu.

BARNABAS: Or Twiggy.

JULIA: Or that singer with the Velvet Underground.

BARNABAS: Nico.

JULIA: Yes, her...

JEFF (clutching his head): Will you two shut up?!

(Jeff runs out the door, leaving Barnabas and Julia perplexed.)

JULIA: He's just like those girls who called me up claiming to be from the phone company.

BARNABAS: Full of...uh, dung?

JULIA (rolls her eyes): Yes, Barnabas..."dung".

BARNABAS: What does Vicki see in him? And what kind of name is "Jeff"?

JULIA: This from a man named Barnabas. What's he see in her? I mean, if I see her in one more sleeveless dress from Ohrbach's...

BARNABAS: This from a woman who wore that atroscity of a dress yesterday...

JULIA: Hey, I happen to look great in black!

BARNABAS: But, really, Julia...a corsage with that dress?! I didn't know if you were going to a wake or a homecoming dance.

JULIA: Why you son of a--

BARNABAS: Julia, please! We must uncover who has put Adam up to this evil scheme.  What do we really know about Professor Stokes?

JULIA: Well, she graduated second in her high school class. Which is better than I did.

BARNABAS: I'll go see her at once.

JULIA: And what should I do?

BARNABAS: There's a shovel downstairs, Julia. Take Willie and start digging...

(Barnabas grabs his cape and cane and heads out the door; Julia looks confused...)

And Thursday's Big Flub Award goes to....



After Cassandra puts Willie under her spell and questions him, she tells him to go back to Collinwood; trouble is that they're standing in front of Collinwood!

D'oh!

How cool was her take when Nicholas Blair introduced himself as Cassandra's brother?

Who plays equal parts horror and confusion better than Grayson Hall?