Okay...

I'm glad this is finally settled.

You know, if all the countries of the world watched Dark Shadows and settled their misunderstandings in such a civilized manner...oh, never mind.

Seriously though: this has worn me out--and I need a nap before Angel.  

Isn't Julia Duffy the blonde girl who was on one of Bob Newhart's shows and also the latter eps of Designing Women?

Patti:

Julia Duffy was in Newhart (the one set at the Stratford Inn in Vermont) throughout the 1980s. From what I understand, that is where she met her husband, Jerry Lacy (Dark Shadows' Tony Peterson, Rev. Trask)--who was a writer on the show.

She was in the second to last year of Designing Women and in a shortlived sitcom called Baby Talk with Scott Baio, which was essentially a ripoff of those Look Who's Talking movies...

Was this more information than you really needed...?

...I always thought Barnabas came across as dimwitted and effete...

Barnabas?!

Dimwitted?!

Effete?!

The hell you say!!

Rainey....who wonders how we'd rehearse this great idea since we all live all over the freakin' country!!??

Funny you mention that, since I was wondering that myself--but then I thought that we'd be no less prepared that the actual cast was most days...

Actually, I figure everyone could learn the skit beforehand at home and we'd run through it together as many times as we possibly could before showtime. It's not like it would be anything too complicated.

And anyone who has ever watched the show knows the blocking: a lot of standing downstage, not facing the other actor.

Of course, we do have a whole year to worry about this...

You should write a sketch that a bunch of us on this board can perform (and steal the show with) at next year's Fest.

Will ya, please, will ya??
Ben

Ben:

I'd love to write a sketch for board members to perform next year--especially since I plan to be there in NYC for all the fun; I'm sure we can come up with a winner. We'll have a ball at the Fest!

However, I want to clarify to The Powers That Be that I am in no way trying to post "fan fiction" on this site; occasionally, I do find a scene in an episode that strikes my fancy enough that I want to comment on it by writing a parody--it is, at times, my chosen form of expression--nothing more, nothing less...

Aw, shucks...

You know, of course, all your kind comments only encourages me to persist in this type of behavior.

Seriously, though: I'm glad you enjoyed reading this goofiness as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Thanks!

INT/OLD HOUSE-DAY (yes, I said "day"!)

(BARNABAS COLLINS sits in his wingback chair, looking immaculate yet worried.  DR. JULIA HOFFMAN barges in like she owns the place.)

BARNABAS: Julia, you're out of Collinwood early this morning.

JULIA: Roger was having brandy with his Eggs Benedict, so I snuck out.  Have you been up all night?

BARNABAS: Yes. Adam came by again last night. With an ultimatum.

JULIA: Oh, is he still harping on that "I-want-a-mate" crap?!

BARNABAS: Yes, but now he has leverage. He's holding Vicki as his prisoner.

JULIA: So now, of course, you want to go traipsing through the cemetary, digging up parts of women to make him a significant other.

BARNABAS: Yes, I do. Julia, I'm aware of your jealousy toward Vicki--

JULIA: Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! "I don't understand". "I took a strange and frightening journey through space and time, back to the year 1795..." The girl's a basket case.

BARNABAS: But, Julia...surely you realize--

JULIA: I realize I couldn't come in here in the middle of the night buck naked with a bottle of Drambuie and make you notice me!

BARNABAS: Julia! When you speak in such a manner, it makes me wish I was still bricked up in that wall downstairs.

JULIA: It's always something with you, isn't it, Barnabas? "Julia, cure me of my affliction so I can stalk Maggie Evans!" "Julia, save me from Angelique and the frickin' Dream Curse!" "Julia, while you're in town, please drop off my Inverness cape at the cleaners!"

(Before Barnabas can reply, there is a knock at the door; Barnabas answers it, annoyed to see JEFF CLARK.)

BARNABAS: Clark! I'm in no mood for a real estate seminar...

JEFF: I'm not here about that. I'm here to speak to you about Adam.

BARNABAS: Adam?

JULIA: Adam West? TV's "Batman"?

JEFF: This Adam only goes by one name.

JULIA: Oh, like Lulu.

BARNABAS: Or Twiggy.

JULIA: Or that singer with the Velvet Underground.

BARNABAS: Nico.

JULIA: Yes, her...

JEFF (clutching his head): Will you two shut up?!

(Jeff runs out the door, leaving Barnabas and Julia perplexed.)

JULIA: He's just like those girls who called me up claiming to be from the phone company.

BARNABAS: Full of...uh, dung?

JULIA (rolls her eyes): Yes, Barnabas..."dung".

BARNABAS: What does Vicki see in him? And what kind of name is "Jeff"?

JULIA: This from a man named Barnabas. What's he see in her? I mean, if I see her in one more sleeveless dress from Ohrbach's...

BARNABAS: This from a woman who wore that atroscity of a dress yesterday...

JULIA: Hey, I happen to look great in black!

BARNABAS: But, really, Julia...a corsage with that dress?! I didn't know if you were going to a wake or a homecoming dance.

JULIA: Why you son of a--

BARNABAS: Julia, please! We must uncover who has put Adam up to this evil scheme.  What do we really know about Professor Stokes?

JULIA: Well, she graduated second in her high school class. Which is better than I did.

BARNABAS: I'll go see her at once.

JULIA: And what should I do?

BARNABAS: There's a shovel downstairs, Julia. Take Willie and start digging...

(Barnabas grabs his cape and cane and heads out the door; Julia looks confused...)

Welcome, Misty!