...I just can't see the 18th century, aristocratic Barnabas Collins deigning to perform hard, physical labor, can you?

Unless, of course, he's beating Willie Loomis with that wolf head's cane or building a wall downstairs for Rev. Trask.

But I guess that's really more recreation than labor...isn't it?

I shudder to think what he might decide to run his fingers through next!

I'll need electroshock therapy to get that imagery outta my head!
[shckd]
D'oh!

I've never had occasion to see Doc, but mention of it in this thread begs the question: has Dr. Billy Ray ever diagnosed one of his patients as having a terminal case of Achy Breaky Heart?

If Nicky Blair really wanted the most evil woman in the world for Eve's life force, then why didn't he get Martha Stewart?

Anya explains it all in dialogue from a season 6 Buffy episode, "Wrecked":

ANYA: Martha Stewart isn't a demon! She's a witch...

XANDER: Really?

ANYA: Of course. Nobody can do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness...

...there is a giant motorcycle rally going on in Sturgis, South Dakota right now.

Say hi to Buzz Hackett if you see him!

Oh, and if Julia's passing out goodies from her big bag of tricks, make mine Xanax!

So what would the good doctor have used on Leona as a pickup line?

"Hey, baby...wanna come back to my laboratory and be a part of my, uh...experiment?"

or

"Hootchie mama! You're just the life force I've been looking for!"

INT/OLD HOUSE-NIGHT

(BARNABAS COLLINS is immaculate despite the look of grave concern etched across his face; he jumps out of his wingback chair when WILLIE LOOMIS runs inside breathlessly.)

WILLIE: Bahnabas! You gotta listen to me, Bahnabas! He's out there!

BARNABAS: What is it, Willie? Who's out there?

WILLIE (pointing at the front window): H-H-H-H-Him!!

(TOM JENNINGS is spread across the windows, his nose pressed against the glass.)

TOM: Julia!! Juull-ii-aaaa!!

BARNABAS (gesturing dramatically): Get away from this house, you undead handyman!!

TOM (runs into the night, howling): Julll-iii-aaa!!

WILLIE: What're we gonna do, Bahnabas?!

(DR. JULIA HOFFMAN runs downstairs, an eager boy crazy schoolgirl look in her eyes.)

JULIA: Barnabas, was that Tom I heard? He got us tickets to see the Monkees in Bangor!

BARNABAS (infuriatated): The Monkees?! (clenching his fists as he stares into space) Then Tom Jennings must be destroyed! Tonight!

JULIA: Oh, Barnabas! You can be so cruel!

(Julia bursts into tears and runs upstairs.)

WILLIE: She's right, Bahnabas...she's right about you being jealous.

BARNABAS (wistfully staring into space): Of course she is, Willie. How can I not feel something for Julia Hoffman? From the first time I grabbed her by the throat and threatened to kill her, I knew we would be friends. Dear, dear friends. Dear, dear platonic friends...

(Suddenly a DISEMBODIED VOICE shouts out--)

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Steve!!

WILLIE (frightened): W-W-W-W-W-What was that?!

BARNABAS: What are you talking about, Willie?

WILLIE: You didn't hear that?!

BARNABAS: Stop being hysterical, Willie. Now go fetch me a stake.

WILLIE: W-W-W-W-W-What're you gonna do, B-B-B-Bahnabas?!

BARNABAS (with grim determination): I'm going to make Tom Jennings into a daydream believer. And quite possibly a homecoming queen.

FADE TO:

INT/TOM JENNINGS' CRYPT-NIGHT

(Barnabas cautiously creeps inside the crypt, his bangs glistening perfection; Willie slinks behind him, acting as a stake caddy.)

WILLIE: So this is where Tom Jennings spends his days now...

BARNABAS: Yes, but look at the shoddy craftsmanship of his coffin. Sarah's pet rabbit died and we had a nicer coffin. That Joe Haskell is one cheapskate son of a--

WILLIE: Bahnabas! Look out!

(Barnabas turns dramatically and sees Tom Jennings enter the crypt, ready for an old-school Collinsport throwdown. Willie shoves the stakes at Barnabas and runs to the door.)

BARNABAS: Willie! Where are you going?!

WILLIE: Over to Maggie Evans'. I'm gonna stalk around in the bushes for a while before dawn. (to Tom): So long, bloodsuckah!

(Willie runs off into the darkness.)

BARNABAS: I've been too easy on Willie lately. He's been whiny ever since I made him dig up those graves...

TOM: Julia! Julli-iii-iiaaaa!!

BARNABAS (clutching a stake): You will never speak her name again, Jennings. Nor will you swoon over Davy Jones!

(A ROOSTER is heard in the distance: "Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!")

BARNABAS: The cock crows for you, Tom Jennings. And I have booked you passage on the last train to Stakesville!

(Barnabas lunges at Tom, who knocks away the stake; they go for each other's throats savagely, both locked in a death grip.)

BARNABAS: Boorish gigolo!

TOM: Histrionic fop!

(Rage burns in Barnabas' eyes as he tightens his grip on Tom's throat. Barnabas slips a stake out of his suit pocket and raises it high above his head...)

CUT TO:

INT/OLD HOUSE-DAWN

(Barnabas is worn and weary as he makes his way through the front door; he is annoyed to see ADAM making himself at home, playing solitaire.)

ADAM: Hello, Barnabas...

BARNABAS: For God's sake, Adam...what do you want from me now?! A pony?!

ADAM: It is a mate that I want from you, Barnabas...but a pony would be nice...

BARNABAS (annoyed): Well, you can have one or the other, Adam. A mate or a pony.

ADAM: But Adam want both!

BARNABAS: I don't think so, Adam. It is time that I set boundaries with you. Your behavior as of late has been completely unacceptable.

(Adam slumps and pouts.)

BARNABAS: Now you go back to the place where Carolyn hides you and think about what you've done, young man.

ADAM (walks toward the door): Yes, Barnabas...

BARNABAS: And no killing Vicki Winters!

ADAM (pouting): Okay.

(Adam slips out the door as Julia comes downstairs.)

BARNABAS: Julia...I trust you're feeling better.

JULIA: Yes...yes, I am. But we have another problem, Barnabas...

BARNABAS: What now?!

JULIA: Elizabeth is upstairs...

BARNABAS: Oh, is she still on that "Roger-plans-to-bury-me-alive" kick?

JULIA: I...I-I...I'm afraid so...

BARNABAS (turns away, stares into space): Oh, Julia...the summer of 1968 was supposed to be such a blessed time for me.

JULIA: I...I-I...I know, Barnabas...

BARNABAS: I'm cured of my affliction now. This summer was supposed to be all about me. This was to be...(dramatic pause)...the Summer of Barnabas. But it is not to be...

(Barnabas grabs his wolf's head cane and heads for the door.)

JULIA: Where are you going, Barnabas?

BARNABAS: Out to find Willie and beat him into a coma.

(Julia beams as Barnabas exits.)

JULIA: God, how I love that man!!

END...