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« on: August 16, 2002, 06:40:32 AM »
INT/HOUSE BY THE SEA-NIGHT
(ANGELIQUE lounges on a big comfy divan in her flowing white gown. BARNABAS COLLINS kneels down before her, looking more disheveled than immaculate--puncture marks are on his neck.)
BARNABAS: I cannot believe that I have been reduced to this.
(Angelique looks down, making sure that Barnabas is doing a good job of painting her toenails.)
ANGELIQUE: You're doing a lovely job, my dear. And if you would have just done this occasionally when we were married, everyone you love would have lived long and happy lives.
BARNABAS: Really?
ANGELIQUE: Everyone but Joshua and Abigail...but, no--you couldn't get your mind off fragile little Josette. So now everybody's dead.
BARNABAS: All because I wouldn't paint your toenails in 1795?
ANGELIQUE: I was never really very good with rejection. Obviously. You know...the whole killing-your-family-and-cursing-you-to-walk-the-night-for-eternity thing.
BARNABAS: I wish I would have never come here tonight.
ANGELIQUE: Like Nicky didn't know your little dinner party wasn't just a lame excuse to get him out of the house...
BARNABAS: My plotting skills have went to mush since I've been cured of my affliction.
ANGELIQUE: They were never that good to begin with, my dear.
BARNABAS: Why can't you take up with Jeff Clark?
ANGELIQUE: I did for a while. But he tasted funny. And Joe Haskell just isn't foppish enough.
BARNABAS: How could he be? He isn't a Collins man.
ANGELIQUE: By the way, Barnabas...I have set a terrifying plan in motion to keep your friend, Julia Hoffman, busy for quite a while.
BARNABAS: What have you done?
ANGELIQUE: Like everything else I do, it's evil while at the same time fairly pointless. You see, I've recruited two girls from New Jersey. They will constantly hound the good doctor, claiming to be representatives of the telephone company. They will say that the doctor owes them money. She will say that they are full of shit.
BARNABAS: Well...it makes as much sense as the frickin' Dream Curse.
ANGELIQUE: Quiet, you! Now go out to the kitchen and fix me a Long Island Iced Tea.
BARNABAS (pained): Oh, why? Why must I spend eternity trapped as your--
ANGELIQUE: Man-bitch?
(Barnabas heaves a defeated sigh as he heads for the kitchen. Angelique stretches out on the divan, content and victorious.)
ANGELIQUE: Dear Barnabas...he'll come around and love me. Even if it kills us both. Oh, wait...it already did.
(Angelique breaks into diabolical laughter.)
END