Craig Slocum's TV credits list is like taking a walk through the Museum of Television & Radio.

And his films--especially Unwed Mother--seem like they'd be a kick to watch.

Nice job, Cheryl.

I'm with you on Sarah, Liz_Collins...

Welcome to the board!

INT/OLD HOUSE-NIGHT

(DR. JULIA HOFFMAN sits in Barnabas' wingback chair, nervously wringing her hands. BARNABAS COLLINS enters, looking immaculate and--for once--kind of happy. Julia jumps up when she sees him...)

JULIA: Barnabas! What happened?

BARNABAS: Nicky Blair is gone...consumed by a fireball on Widows' Hill.

JULIA (running to hug Barnabas): The danger's finally over!

BARNABAS: Get off me, woman! Where's Adam?

JULIA: He went out.

BARNABAS: And you just let him go?

JULIA: I suggested he join a dating service. You know...since the experiment was a bust-out.

(Barnabas runs for the door.)

JULIA (cont'd): Where are you off to now?

BARNABAS (gesturing dramatically with his cape): To Collinwood!

JULIA (as he exits): Could you bring back my other white stockings? I have a run in this pair...

FADE TO:

INT/VICKI'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

(Barnabas enters, finding CAROLYN STODDARD passed out; he revives her...)

BARNABAS: Carolyn, what happened to you?

CAROLYN: Oh, Barnabas! Adam's gone crazier than a sh**house rat! He choked me until I passed out and carried Vicki away.

BARNABAS: No, I mean what happened to your hair.

CAROLYN (suddenly self-conscious): I'm...I'm just parting it down the middle now.

BARNABAS: Well, I absolutely hate it! Get some granny glasses and a long quilted skirt and you'll look like one of those hippie girls I see running around Bangor.

CAROLYN (pissed): Thank you, Mr. Blackwell. You wanna go save Vicki now?

BARNABAS (gesturing dramatically with his cape): To the Old House!

(He exits.)

CAROLYN: Histrionic fop!

FADE TO:

INT/OLD HOUSE-NIGHT

(Barnabas enters, finding Julia waiting for him...)

JULIA: Oh, Barnabas, it's terrible! Adam's locked himself down in the cellar! He's going to do the experiment on Vicki!

BARNABAS (brandishing a pistol): Well, I'm going downstairs and put a pill in that man-made jackass!

JULIA: I offered him a sedative, Barnabas. He turned me down.

BARNABAS (with a heavy sigh): Not that kind of pill, Julia.

JULIA (noticing the gun): Oh.

INT/CELLAR OF THE OLD HOUSE-NIGHT

(THE NEW VICKI is strapped to a table, moaning and screaming as ADAM fiddles with switches and knobs. Barnabas and Julia run down the stairs, concerned and frightened...)

BARNABAS: Adam...stop! Stop I say! I want you to let Vicki-- (gets a look at the New Vicki) Wait a minute...this isn't Vicki!

ADAM: It is! I found her in Vicki's bedroom.

BARNABAS: So?! Tom Jennings was in that bedroom the other night. Does that make him Vicki?!

ADAM: Why do you say this isn't Vicki?

BARNABAS: Well, first of all, the hair's all wrong. And that shrill voice could make the dogs howl all by themselves!

ADAM: I do not care! This Vicki will pay for what you have done to me! For you have left me to roam this earth without a mate!

JULIA: Oh, wah, ya big crybaby! You think you're the only one roaming the earth without a mate? Look at me! (jabbing a thumb at Barnabas) I killed a guy for this creepy mook and he won't touch me!

ADAM (his hand on the big switch): When I pull this switch, Barnabas, your beloved Vicki will be as worthless as burnt toast!

BARNABAS (pointing the pistol at Adam): Do it, Adam, and I'll pop a cap in your man-made ass!

(Adam goes to pull the switch, but Barnabas fires the pistol, hitting Adam in the shoulder...)

ADAM (in pain): Damn! I thought that was another one of your idle threats!

(Adam runs up the stairs and disappears. Barnabas and Julia attend to Vicki.)

JULIA: You have to go after him, Barnabas!

(Suddenly, a YOUNG WOMAN appears out of nowhere, as if by some kind of strange magic...)

YOUNG WOMAN: That won't be necessary, Doctor Hoffman...

BARNABAS: Who are you? Where did you come from?

(Now, the young woman is revealed to be...PROF. STOKES!)

PROF. STOKES: My name is Professor Stokes. I'm from the 21st century. I've taken a strange and terrifying journey, back to the year 1968, to tell you that this storyline is over!

BARNABAS: The 21st century?

PROF. STOKES: It's involved. Anyway, the other Professor Stokes will take care of Adam. He'll call a guy named Carl to remove the bullet from Adam's shoulder...then he'll put him in a clinic somewhere to take care of the scars. And you're right about this Vicki...she isn't the Vicki you're in love with.

JULIA: Can you prove it?

PROF. STOKES: Of course. (shaking the New Vicki awake) Vicki...say something.

NEW VICKI (groggy): I don't understand...

PROF. STOKES: See what I mean? She's not nearly as clueless as the old one.

BARNABAS: So what do we do now?

PROF. STOKES: I have a friend in New Jersey...Julia's talked to her on the phone once...she says to bring on Quentin!

BARNABAS: Who?

PROF. STOKES: You'll meet him soon enough. (beginning to fade into the future) Oops! Gotta go! Tell Professor Stokes he's my favorite...!

(And as quickly as she appeared, Prof. Stokes has now vanished...)

BARNABAS: Well, that was odd.

JULIA: Yes. I think I need a sedative...

BARNABAS: I have a better idea.

JULIA: What's that, Barnabas?

BARNABAS: There's still five bullets in this gun. (gesturing dramatically with his cape) I'm off to shoot Jeff Clark!

JULIA: You mean Peter Bradford?

BARNABAS (exiting the cellar): Whoever. Damned hair toucher!

JULIA: God...I never knew he could be so sexy! He needs to go on shooting sprees more often!

END...

"The part of Victoria Winters is being played by Miss Betsy Durkin..."

Okay, we get it! Do we have to hear that in the opening credits of EVERY episode that she's in?!

DAVID: My mom was a Phoenix who tried to kill me and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!

JULIA: I just wanna be loved! Is that so wrong?

LIZ: Matriarchs do it in the drawing room!

VICKI: I don't understand. You got a frickin' problem with that?!

PROFESSOR STOKES: Ah, the power of cheese...

CHRIS JENNINGS: Werewolves do it under a full moon!

ADAM: Willie bad!

JOE HASKELL: I want to believe!

ROGER: Burke Devlin is dead and I'm not feeling that good myself...

WILLIE: Grave robbers do it with a shovel!

BARNABAS: Vampires suck!

Nicky Blair's dramatic gestures brought to mind Elvis in the 70s, when he wrapped up his Vegas shows with "Can't Help Falling In Love".

Thank you, thank you very much!

And she kept a straight face when Tom Jennings was in her room. I thought he was more funny than scary!

The way his vampy tongue was a-flailin', I thought the undead handyman was going to give the New Vicki what Anya on Buffy calls "the pleasure moment".